Infidelity Archives | Arizona Relationship Institute

January 1, 2024December 25, 2023

Overcoming The Trauma of Infidelity And Betrayal

Anyone who has been cheated-on knows the deep pain that infidelity causes. Cheating is a betrayal that cuts deep and scars a person mentally and emotionally for years. In 2024, we now know the importance of treating trauma and traumatic experiences in order to keep positive mental health. We also know that betrayal and trauma caused by cheating and infidelity is extremely important to treat, as it can spiral into worsening emotional and mental problems if left untreated.

Cheating: The Ultimate Betrayal

Some individuals (both men and women) can take a nonchalant look at cheating, considering it “not a big deal” or a part of their own open sexuality. But even in open sexual relationships, feelings can get hurt, messages can get mixed, and people develop a feeling of betrayal.

Some serial-cheaters themselves are deeply racked with their own feelings of betrayal, and sub-consciously or consciously tie their own infidelities with negative feelings of resentment, remorse, and regret.

Overcoming Soft Infidelity

So-called “soft infidelity” is a rising trend in the social media age. Men and women alike can put way too much personal info or intimate images out onto Facebook, Instagram, Tik Tok, and other platforms. Jealousy issues from Instagram and Social Media can arise between couples leaving 1 or both partners feeling betrayed.

In an over-sexualized society like we have today, many social media influencers, artists, models, and content producers may feel pressured to sexualize themselves more in their art, photos, dress, and behaviors. If your job is to sell your sexiness, beauty, image, or appeal, your significant other may develop negative feelings in-time.

These feelings can lead to infidelity from both sides, with one or the other partner cheating. Overcoming these challenges in a relationship is NOT impossible, but takes work and communication. Work and communication is aided with the help of a sex therapist or couples therapist.

When Should You See A Therapist After Being Cheated On?

If the issues are causing you any mental strain at all, and you cannot deal with it yourself, you should consider the help of a therapist. That is what therapists are here for, to assist you in dealing with your thoughts and feelings. The thoughts and feelings that erupt after the betrayal of infidelity are quite immense and usually quite negative. Dealing with so many negatives at once is difficult for even the soundest of people; so, don’t be ashamed to reach out for help.

Taking Friends Advice On Infidelity

Our blog on “Taking Relationship Advice From Friends and Family” does a great job of explaining why friends and family are not certified, trained therapists and not the best answer for your therapeutic needs. In general, don’t take relationships advice from your friends and family, or at least take it with a large grain of salt.

Dealing with the Trauma of Infidelity

The first order of business is to treat the initial trauma of infidelity in the person being cheated-on. The feelings of shock, disgust, disbelief, and grief can take an emotional toll on the individual and cause them to make rash decisions, lose control of their emotions, or engage in unhealthy behaviors themselves.

No “Eye For An Eye” Cheating

The worst idea you can have in response to infidelity is to think that you “deserve” to cheat also, or that cheating yourself will also cause your significant other the same pain you are feeling. This is a rash decision that can have significant negative repercussions on your mental and physical health.

Also, be very careful about immediately pursuing other relationships or sexual encounters immediately after experiencing the betrayal of infidelity and being cheated-on. Once again, you may think you “deserve” the new encounter or relationship, but that is not a healthy way to start a relationship.

Overcoming Trust Issues After Infidelity

The biggest therapy issue facing those who have been cheated-on is learning to trust again. Men and women alike identify a lack of trust in their partner as the longest-lasting of the negative symptoms of trauma from infidelity. Many cheaters themselves also are acting out of their own long-term symptoms of trauma, including deep trust issues.

Ironically it is often a lack of trust that makes many individuals cheat; a lack of trust that they are loved or cared for, or lack of trust that anyone will be sexually faithful to them.

Trauma-Informed Therapists in Mesa Arizona

At the Arizona Relationships Institute (AZRI) in Mesa, we focus on overcoming the hardest of challenges in relationships, especially infidelity. Additionally, many of our therapists are expertly trained in the latest trauma-informed therapies and trauma-focused education. As an institution, we recognize the large part that trauma plays on the human psyche and the importance of treating trauma for a healthy and sound mind, body and soul.

Therapy for Overcoming Cheating and Infidelity

If you have experienced a particular devastating betrayal in your life that has caused you significant trauma, we invite you to reach out to the Arizona Relationship Institute or other Competent Trauma Therapists to start the healing process.

Without overcoming infidelity, many individuals let the effects of trauma last for months or even years, and allow the trauma to negatively affect positive relationships with good people. AZRI wants to help you rebuild connections in your life and rebuild yourself into someone who can safely and comfortably build new relationships.

March 3, 2022March 3, 2022

Attachment Intentions Underlying Affairs: An EFT Perspective On Treating Infidelity

From an attachment perspective every behavior and emotional response is understood as an attempt to get attachment needs for love and security met. Even when partners’ actions are destructive to their relationships and don’t seem to correspond with a desire to connect, looking for the attachment intention underlying the destructive behavior provides a clearer picture as to the ontological etiology of those actions. When we understand the irrational and detrimental behavioral and emotional responses as an activation of the amygdala and limbic system to protect against pain and isolation, that which makes no sense at all actually does make sense. The tragedy is that operating on fear, shame, hurt and sadness with a desperation to avoid the pain of isolation, often leads to greater suffering than that which was initially feared. It is from this perspective that we invite couples and therapists to examine the attachment intentions underlying affairs. Doing so provides an opportunity to identify the processes that culminated in reaching outside the primary relationship to meet attachment needs.

These Processes Include:

1) the underlying emotional processes and corresponding unmet attachment needs, as well as

2) the mis-attunement that activated these emotional responses and contributed to the distorted views of self and other as not desiring or capable of meeting each others needs.

In our clinical work, we have found that underlying attachment intentions of affairs can be understood as attempts to:

1) re-engage a partner

2) protect the existing connection with the partner,

3) protect against feared potential abandonment,

4) defend against the pain of potential rejection and negative view of self,

5) exit from pain being experienced as a result of perceived abandonment or rejection from the partner,

5) numb painful primary emotions unrelated to the primary relationship partner,

6) emotionally or physically exit the relationship after losing all hope of creating the desired connection with the primary partner, and

7) prevent becoming dependent or vulnerable with the primary partner.

These underlying attachment intentions cluster into six identifiable patterns or types of affairs:

1) the Angry Protest Affair,

2) the Come and Get Me Affair,

3) the Burned Out Affair,

4) the Hedge Fund Affair,

5) the Fantasy Escape Affair, and

6) Power Player Affair.

These types of affairs differ in terms of the attachment strategies and the partners’ patterns of interaction prior to the affair. Understanding these differences can help the couple and the therapist to have a more accurate map of where the couple has been, but also of where they want to go and how they can effectively get there.

We intentionally did not create a type of affair to address whether or not the affair was emotional, sexual or both. Nor did we create a type of affair that addresses sexual compulsivity, trauma or domestic violence. The reality is that the degree of emotionality, sexuality, sexual compulsivity or abuse are all dimensions of each type of affair, rather than being types in and of themselves. It is important to assess for and address these dimensions. We recommend assessing and treating these dimensions within the framework of understanding the attachment intention and the corresponding behavioral and emotional responses of the particular type of affair. In our work with our clients, we have found that this framework provides a more effective way of identifying and treating the multi-dimensional aspects of partners individual and relational patterns of emotional processing and action tendencies. It provides a more detailed map with an understanding of how all the parts of the puzzle interact and have culminated into the couples’ present day relationship patterns. It provides a map of where each partner has been, where they have been together, where they are now and how to help them get where they would like to go from here.

The constructs of these different types of affairs can assist couples and their therapists with developing a cohesive narrative about how the unfaithful partner became vulnerable to and eventually succumbed to having an affair. Both partners need to have a shared understanding of this in order for the betrayed partner to take the risk of developing trust in the unfaithful partner. This shared narrative is also important in assisting the betrayed partners continue to deepen their trust in their partners. Developing a shared understanding of how the affair happened helps couples to establish mutually agreed upon strategies for actively protecting their relationship from further breaches of trust. Their relationship becomes safe because they develop a pattern of turning to one another to meet their needs for connection, instead of turning outside of their relationship.

Without understanding how the affair happened, it is difficult for the betrayed partner to develop trust in the unfaithful partner’s ability to promise that it will never happen again. It can also be difficult for the unfaithful partner to feel confident promising that it won’t happen again if the unfaithful partner doesn’t understand how or why the affair happened. Without understanding the hows and whys of the affair, partners are likely to adopt the most common narratives our culture offers about how and why people cheat. These popular narratives are likely to perpetuate the partners’ distorted views of themselves, one another, and relationships that contributed to their relationship being vulnerable to infidelity.

Not only are these narratives inaccurate, but they are damaging since they usually pit men and women against each other and portray one or both of the partners as being fundamentally untrustworthy or unworthy of love. Believing these inaccurate and destructive narratives not only makes it more difficult for couples to heal and develop trust in one another after an affair, it also makes couples more vulnerable to future infidelity and perpetual distrust in each other’s love. Trust cannot be established if one or both partners view the other as fundamentally untrustworthy by virtue of that partner’s gender or fixed character, or if one or both partners subscribe to the myth that infidelity is an inevitable part of a relationship. Unless couples are assisted to extract these popular cultural narratives from their own narrative, they are at risk for clinging to their fears rather than taking the risk of reaching for connection. Anchoring them in an attachment perspective facilitates their ability to create safety in their relationship and move forward with a secure attachment bond.

Can A Marriage Survive Infidelity WITHOUT Counseling?

Some relationships can not survive an affair. Other couples are able to repair their relationships with couples counseling for infidelity or on their own. When one partner cheats on the other, it may leave the partner that has been cheated on feeling confused, betrayed, emotionally crushed, and alone.

January 8, 2020March 27, 2020

All Is Fair In Love and War?

It often seems that many people feel more honor bound by certain rules and protocol of engagement when fighting a war than they feel regarding any protocols for love. We debate the ethical treatment of enemy combatants, yet the very people we profess to love the most, are often discarded recklessly and traded for “better options.” Broken bones may be more visible, but few things are as painful as a broken heart.

Even the most decent and ethical people aren’t above disregarding any sense of civility or respect for their “ex” when it comes to the breakup and thereafter. Is all fair in love and war, or is it possible to break up with integrity and class? I would like to make an argument for the latter.

I am certainly not suggesting that people marry or stay with people who they do not love or who are mistreating them in anyway. Nor am I even making any judgment about a person deciding to end a relationship. Of course, there are situations in which ending the relationship is best for everyone involved. I am merely exploring the idea that perhaps it is possible to break someone’s heart. This being done while maintaining our own integrity, honoring what we shared with that person during the course of our relationship, and demonstrating respect for the rejected loved one’s feelings.

It is never easy to deal with the fact that someone whom you love no longer wants to be with you. However, the healing process for the person being left behind is greatly impacted by the way in which the person leaving handles the process of breaking up. For example, breaking up over a text message or calling your partner on the phone while he or she is on their way to work is NOT, I repeat, NOT a respectful way to end a relationship if you value that person at all. You do not have to stay with your partner, but if you have even an ounce of caring for your soon-to-be ex, you can at least attempt to handle the break up in a manner that will assist that person is moving forward with life. Assuming that you really did care at some point about the person you are breaking up with and assuming that this person has not betrayed your trust or hurt you in anyway, the least that you can do is to break things off in a manner that is respectful. So what would it look like to break up with someone in a way that preserves that person’s dignity and self-esteem as you break their heart? Let me offer some possible guidelines for “breaking up with class.”

If after having made a commitment to someone, you find yourself unable to continue with the relationship, I believe that these guidelines will help minimize the damage to your own integrity and the other person’s feelings as well as optimize the ability of you both to move forward with your lives.

ONE: Break up in person (not the phone, text, or email)

TWO: Do not break up with someone right before they are going to work

THREE: Do not break up with someone on a significant day (a holiday or birthday)

FOUR: Do not date your ex’s close friends (shame on the friend who would date your ex)

FIVE: Do not make up a reason for the breakup: to be honest but with candor

SIX: Take your time in committing to a new relationship (for your sake as well)

NUMBERS ONE THROUGH FOUR: Are pretty self-explanatory, but unfortunately many people fail to follow these guidelines due to their own cowardice or their inability to tolerate their own feelings or distress. They often blurt out their feelings without considering what the impact of what they are saying will have on the other person.

NUMBER FIVE: Far too often, people break-up with their significant other and give a false reason for the break up. Sometimes a false reason is given out of the misguided belief that it will protect the other person’s feelings. The biggest reason why people give false reasons is to spare themselves from having to tolerate seeing the other person hurt or angry. They may also want to avoid feeling guilty. Although it requires more courage, it demonstrates more integrity to honestly explain your reasons for the break up. Doing so will help the other person to make sense of what went wrong with the relationship and offers that person a greater chance to make peace with moving on. It is not your job to help your ex heal from your break up, but it is certainly more mature and more honorable to leave the person with a sense of your perspective. This offers your ex an opportunity to draw upon your view about the relationship as she takes responsibility for her own healing. Use candor: honesty doesn’t mean cruelty. Don’t criticize the person, but instead point out dynamics in the relationship that didn’t work for you. Own your feelings and reasons for the break up. The use of “I” messages can help. For instance, “I’ve realized that I need to be with someone who deals with conflict more directly,” or “I have felt for a long time that you don’t stand up for me, when your family is rude to me, and I don’t think that this will ever change.” Take responsibility for identifying the ways in which the relationship no longer works for you.

NUMBER SIX: For your own sake, as well as for the sake of your forsaken partner, don’t rush into a new relationship (especially marriage) right after a break up. Taking your time before committing to a new relationship does not mean that you shouldn’t begin dating. It does mean that you should take time before getting serious and committing to an exclusive relationship, especially marriage. You are much less likely to break hearts (including your own) if you refrain from rushing into a commitment prior to actually knowing who you are committing to.

Before committing to a new relationship, you should experience being with the new person in a variety of settings and know that person for at least three months. We now know that within at least the first three months of a relationship, the brain chemistry of two people who are romantically attracted to one another is similar to that of someone who is high on cocaine. You should no more make a commitment to marry within the first three months of knowing a person that you should make a commitment to anything serious when you are high. This is not to say that this psychological response of falling in love ends after three months. Some researchers suggest that it is only after two years that the brain chemistry does not interfere with our ability to view our romantic partner’s flaws honestly. Perhaps that is where the saying, “Go into marriage with your eyes wide open and stay in the marriage with your eyes half closed” comes from.

A word of caution about relationships that have begun out of infidelity: they often end in infidelity. The partners in these relationships are often shocked that their partner would cheat on them, but history has a sad way of repeating itself. If you and your partner did not have the emotional maturity and ethical restraint to refrain from beginning a new relationship prior to ending an ongoing relationship, you are kidding yourself to believe that the two of you will never deal with issues of jealousy, flirting with others, and other boundary issues, even if you never actually breach the fidelity of the new relationship.

If your current relationship began out of infidelity to your prior relationship, get to therapy now if you want this new relationship to succeed. Take advantage of the momentum you are now enjoying in the early stages of your relationship and work on creating healthier relationship patterns so that you won’t have to repeat the past.

I am a firm believer that when we act with integrity, we not only benefit others but also we personally benefit. The inverse is also true: you cannot hurt others without also damaging your personal integrity to some degree, even if the pain you caused was out of ignorance or negligence. So when it’s time to say good-bye, remember all that the person you are leaving has added to your life and honor their humanity by treating them humanely. Leave them if you must, but at least try to leave them with their dignity intact.

January 8, 2020January 8, 2020

The Freedom from Forgiveness

One thing we can count on in this life is that, despite our best efforts, we will hurt the ones we love and they will hurt us. Most of this hurt will be unintentional, but painful nonetheless. We all have things to learn, and we make mistakes. Therefore, heavy doses of patience and forgiveness are required for any relationship to survive and thrive long-term.

We often think of forgiveness as freeing the person who is being forgiven. However, it is not only the person being forgiven, but also the person who forgives that is freed. When we forgive others, we free ourselves from the pain and disappointment of the past and allow ourselves to move forward toward a better future. We free ourselves from the burden of bitterness, resentment, and contempt. We free ourselves from allowing our pain to define us or to dictate our future. We can be whole again.

Each one of us has only a limited amount of time and emotional resources. Forgiveness makes it possible for us to devote our time and emotional resources, as well as all our other resources (financial, spiritual, intellectual) toward creating the present and future we desire. The inability to forgive wastes our limited and valuable resources on ruminations about the past and how we wish things had been different. We waste our emotional energy on wishing the person who wronged us would suffer to pay for how deeply they have hurt us.

This is not to say that we should ignore the pain we are feeling or pretend that we are not hurting. I am not advocating that we pretend like the wrong was not committed or that we never try to understand how it happened. We must make some meaning of our experiences in order to move forward in peace. However, we can and must learn from the past without remaining in it.

This is accomplished by 1) acknowledging how we wish things could have been different, 2) acknowledging the pain that we have felt because of how things didn’t turn out the way we had hoped they would, 3) accepting that things are as they are, and 4) ultimately refusing to believe that a painful past inevitably means a painful present or future. We must refuse to be defined by our pain and channel all of our resources and efforts toward living a fulfilling life from this point forward.

Relationships are only as strong as they parties’ ability to forgive. Many relationships end because one or both parties are not able to forgive. Other relationships may not end, but are permanently altered due to the severity of the break in trust. In this case, people may continue to love and care for one another, but are unable to fully trust in the way that they had prior to the fateful break in trust.

There are relationships in which the person who has hurt their loved one is able to patiently re-earn the trust of the person who is hurting. This regaining of trust is accomplished with great efforts on the part of both partners, and it requires the patience of both. However, when two people are able to muster the courage and strength necessary to rebuild the trust, they often emerge from the process more deeply bonded to one another and more appreciative of each other and their relationship than they have ever been before.

Forgiveness and the regaining of trust are processes that are intimately intertwined in a dance between partners who are trying to heal. These processes ebb and flow over time. Healing does not occur as a steady progression without any setbacks. The process is more similar to the manner in which the ocean tide rises upon the shore. With each wave, the water progresses further toward its ultimate destination on the shore. However, the tide does not reach its ultimate destination without returning back from where it came. Each time the tide returns to the shore, it progresses further up toward its goal until it has ultimately reached it.

Couples need to realize that any attempts to enact positive change in their relationship will follow the pattern of the tide. In the best of relationships, as we are trying to progress, there are setbacks and times of questioning as to whether we or our partner will ever “get it right.” Interspersed with these moments of frustration and fears that “nothing is changing,” we are blessed with glimpses of breakthroughs and peace. The trick is to focus on the times that we are succeeding at making progress instead of getting mired in all the times we continue to struggle. We must try to focus on noticing even the smallest evidence that the desired change is becoming more of the rule instead of the exception.

To the extent that each partner is able to give what they are able, and take in what the other is offering, a couple can get back in sync with one another and develop an even stronger emotional bond than they enjoyed prior to the breach in their trust. “When you heal a relationship, you create a relationship that heals (Susan Johnson, 2007).”

Unlike the tide, however, our lives and our relationships do not have a definitive “end” goal. It is impossible for our relationships to be fixed and static: they are ever-changing. Couples must continue to put their efforts toward nurturing their relationship so that it will continue to grow. They must continue to strengthen the bond of trust they share. It is essential, therefore, that we cease putting our efforts toward mourning the past or maintaining resentment. Creating the present and future we desire requires all our attention and efforts. We must forgive and move on.

Whether or not a relationship can be healed, we must forgive in order for us to heal and move forward with our lives. Unless we can come to peace with our past and the person who has hurt us, we run the risk of defining ourselves and our futures by that past pain. There is no peace in holding on to bitterness, resentment, contempt, or rage. We must relieve ourselves of this burden, and let it go in order to move forward to better times. We must do so to find peace and create a better future.

May 16, 2018

Attachment Intentions Underlying Affairs: An EFT Perspective on Treating Infidelity

From an attachment perspective every behavior and emotional response is understood as an attempt to get attachment needs for love and security met. Even when partners’ actions are destructive to their relationships and don’t seem to correspond with a desire to connect, looking for the attachment intention underlying the destructive behavior provides a clearer picture as to the ontological etiology of those actions. When we understand the irrational and detrimental behavioral and emotional responses as an activation of the amygdala and limbic system to protect against pain and isolation, that which makes no sense at all actually does make sense. The tragedy is that operating on fear, shame, hurt and sadness with a desperation to avoid the pain of isolation, often leads to greater suffering than that which was initially feared. It is from this perspective that we invite couples and therapists to examine the attachment intentions underlying affairs. Doing so provides an opportunity to identify the processes that culminated in reaching outside the primary relationship to meet attachment needs.

These processes include: