When couples are stuck in deciding whether or not to break-up, Discernment Counselors can offer a way to sort through the pros and cons of a decision in either direction.
What is Discernment Therapy for Couples Counseling?
Discernment Therapy is recommended for couples who are “ambivalent” about breaking up or divorcing. This means that they are unsure of whether or not they want to break up or stay together. Ambivalent couples tend to “lean-in and -out of their desire to break-up.
Couples needing discernment therapy and counseling are unsure of how to move-forward and are at a stalemate. A discernment relationship counseling can help couples to break the stalemate and move-forward with a decision confidently (whether that decision is to break-up or stay-together).
Discernment Therapy for Couples Looking to Make A Big Step Forward
Couples do not only use discernment therapy for the decision to end a relationship; couples can also discern whether or not to make a big step forward in the relationship: either getting engaged, married, having kids, or other life events.
What Are The Core Principles of Discernment Counseling?
Bill Doherty, a University of Minnesota counselor, developed the principals of Discernment Counseling as a way for couples to clarify whether or not their relationship problems can be fixed. The principals are based of 4 core questions that couples should ask each other and themselves:
-
-
- What happened in the relationship that caused us to consider ending it?
- What has been done to try and fix the relationship?
- How do children factor in the the decision to end the relationship?
- Either existing children or hopes for future children
- What were the best best times we experienced in our relationship?
-
These 4 questions start the framework for looking-at the foundation of their relationship in the past, present and future. This foundation is the groundwork on-which the discernment of the relationship rests.
Interfaith Pre-Marital Counseling >>
Discernment Therapy Before Marriage Counseling
Often times, marriage counseling can begin with a lot of arguing and non-productive fighting and bickering. In these cases, discernment counseling BEFORE the marriage counseling can help to clear away many of the small issues that do not play a big part in the relationship, but cause a lot of arguments.
Pre-marital Counseling Services >>
By clearing away the mess, and getting the couple to ask themselves if the want to continue, the couple and the counselor start marriage counseling with the ability to get directly to the core issues.
When Should You See A Discernment Counselor?
When you are thinking about ending your relationship or taking a big step forward is the best time to see a discernment counselor. A Discernment Therapist will help couples to organize their thoughts, ideas, worries and goals. This organization helps couples to confidently make decisions about moving-forward or ending a relationship.
Separating The Decision to Save the Relationship from the Work to Save The Relationship
Not only does saving the relationship take a lot of work, but simply deciding whether or not to save the relationship is a big step. Discernment Therapy breaks it down into 2 separate phases: First, decide whether or not the relationship is worth saving. Then start building a path forward in the second phase; either a path forward together, or separately.
What Is The Difference Between Marriage Counseling and Discernment Counseling?
Couples in marriage counseling have already agreed to save their marriage. Couples in Discernment Counseling are weighing whether they want to save the marriage.
A big problem in marriage counseling is when 1 partner wants to save the marriage and the other has already decided to give up on the marriage. Marriage counseling will never be successful if the two partners have not yet agreed on whether to save the marriage — and technically, these couples are still stuck in discernment therapy, not marriage counseling.
“Is My Marriage Worth Saving?”
The 3 Conclusions of Discernment Therapy
There are 3 conclusions, or outcomes, from discernment therapy:
-
-
- Both partners commit to the work of couples therapy (commit to fix the problems).
- Both partners agree to proceed with a separation.
- The partners maintain the status quo (stay stuck in the stalemate and not commit to separating or working on the relationship)
-
It is important to understand that the third outcome (Maintaining the Status Quo) can be maintained for years… Like Tic-Tac-Toe, it will always end in a stalemate unless the two partners both allow the game to end.
Discernment Counseling in Mesa, Arizona
At The Arizona Relationship Institute, Discernment Counseling is an integral part of all of our couples therapy and marriage counseling services. All couples must first decide whether or not the relationship is worth saving, and commit to saving the relationship — or no progress will be made.
Our therapists have a wide range of backgrounds, education, and specialties in their therapeutic backgrounds. Making us capable of successfully assisting with individuals, couples, and families in dealing with an equally wide range of issues.
Our integrated team of medical professionals, nutritional wellness technicians, behavioral health technicians, and nurses give us the ability to address numerous life-concerns that play a part in relationships.
