Understanding the patterns behind divorce, and how intentional healing can create lasting connection.
It’s no secret that the divorce rates are high in the United States, with approximately 43% of first marriages ending in divorce, according to Kennedy and Ruggles (2022).
What may be more surprising to learn is that second, third, and so forth, marriages continue to increase in probability of ending in divorce. So much for old cliches (“fool me once, shame on you…” and “third time’s a charm.”) Roughly 60-67% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages end in divorce (Forbes Advisor, 2025).
The rates are pretty astounding and let’s just say I wouldn’t be placing any high bets in Vegas hoping for favorable results if marriage tokens keep getting put in the penny slot machines on impulse.
Why Do Second (and Third) Marriages Fail More Often?
Why is this the case? It seems that lessons would be learned, and I certainly do not have expectations that someone be willing to forego one of the most beautiful feelings of the human experience (AKA love), especially given our innate and biological need for it. It’s a big question and not one that has been explored very much; however, a good place to start is looking to the biggest contributors to divorce in the first place.
According to Forbes Advisor (2025), the top five contributors to divorce are 1) lack of commitment (75%), 2) infidelity (60%), 3) excessive conflict/frequent arguing (58%), 4) married too young (45%), and 5) financial problems (38%). Domestic abuse and substance abuse are also noteworthy contenders (Forbes Advisor, 2025).
What Makes Love Last?
Conversely, reasons for long-term successful marriages (because we need to know what we’re doing RIGHT, not just what we’re doing wrong!) include shared religious beliefs and spirituality, commitment/loyalty, intimacy (not just sexually, but that’s important, too!), effective communication/problem-solving skills, and alignment in values and beliefs (Systematic Review, 2022).
Both the reasons for divorce and longevity/success in marriage are nuanced and complicated. Commitment, for example, is not just agreeing to not engage in infidelity, but to dedicate a concerted effort to the marriage’s welfare on a daily basis. Infidelity, while devastating, also can be overcome with high success rates if intentionally worked on and through in couple’s therapy or workshops.
These contributors, while not exclusively the responsibility of only one partner in the relationship, need to be taken into serious consideration and thoroughly explored before diving right into another marital relationship to avoid becoming a part of these disheartening statistics.
How Long Should You Date Before Marriage?
I understand we oftentimes are hoping for a future within our relationships and would like the commitment piece now. We want to be reassured that it’s all going to work out and our efforts aren’t for naught. No one that wants to get married envisions dating or being engaged forever.
So then how long really is long enough to date someone to truly gauge success in marriage? This isn’t something with a distinct, correct answer; however, research shows that dating for at least a year can decrease the risk of divorce by 20% (Business Insider, 2017) and dating for at least three years can decrease the risk of divorce by 50% (Couples Analytics, 2025).
The “Honeymoon Phase” and Hidden Red Flags
That’s helpful to know if you have genuinely done the work to heal your attachment patterns, but if you struggle with feelings of loneliness, shame, or self-doubt, then enter into another relationship right away, you might go and trigger what’s called a “honeymoon phase”, which engages the brains reward response, potentially blurring any “red flags” in your new partner and abruptly shifting the focus to the idealizations of a relationship instead of yourself and own patterns.
As a result, our love goo-goo eye goggles are tinted red, masking our relational triggers, and thus preventing the imperative need for improved boundaries, better communication skills, or genuine authenticity in being ourselves, which will ultimately lead to the inevitable: if not divorce, then high dissatisfaction and potential symptoms of depression/anxiety.
Preventative Steps: Building Healthier Relationships
So let’s talk about some preventative measures that can be played strategically from our hands instead of just rolling the dice and hoping for the best:
Start With Self-Reflection and Therapy
Therapy, both individually and/or with your partner, can be incredibly helpful and insightful. Pre-marital or relationship counseling can encourage healthy communication, help you to develop a plan and discuss combined previous patterns by a professional that is an advocate for you as a team.
Individually, being willing to delve into your own history and patterns with someone who is as objective as possible, but again, an advocate for you, can bring to light important work that can be done on your own behalf.
Seek Honest Feedback From Loved Ones
Reaching out to trusted friends and family for support. What do the people that care about you and love you think and feel about your potential spouse?
We do want to be careful with this. All too often our own blind spots are generational or enabled by our surrounding circle by blind loyalty, and we don’t necessarily want that, either, but if people in your life that you know have your best interests at heart are telling you to pay attention, we can be curious about what it is that they are trying to say, without giving them final authority on the decision being made.
Learn From Your Own History
Reading previous journal entries, letters or texts about or to previous partners can also be incredibly insightful as well, if possible. I want to emphasize that here, I don’t mean re-reading or re-living your previous trauma and harboring on all the negative things that your ex contributed to the relationship.
This is supposed to be with the intention of looking at your own communication styles, your own behaviors, how you reacted or responded to things, how you felt in scenarios, etc. This isn’t meant to be dismissive of your experiences or emotions, but more so intentional in identifying what sort of strategies you employ when you are hurt, in conflict, or desiring in order to give you a leg up on what you do have the power to change and control, without harping on all the wrong-doings of others.
Moving Forward With Hope
It’s always okay that we make mistakes because that’s how we learn and grow. Just because someone had been married previously does not mean that something is wrong with them, or that they are incapable of being amazing spouses. Anyone can find happiness, love and security in subsequent marriages as long as they are willing to do the work.
Works cited
Business Insider. (2017). How long you should date before you get married. https://www.businessinsider.com/how-long-you-should-date-before-you-get-married-2017-10
Couples Analytics. (2025). How long should you date before marriage. https://couplesanalytics.com/science/how-long-should-you-date-before-marriage
Forbes Advisor. (2025). Revealing divorce statistics in 2025. In Forbes Advisor. https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/divorce-statistics/
Kennedy, S., & Ruggles, S. (2023). First marriage dissolution by gender and education, 2023 (Family Profile No. FP-23-02). National Center for Family & Marriage Research. https://www.bgsu.edu/ncfmr/resources/data/family-profiles/fp-23-02.html
Systematic Review. (2022). Protective factors of marital stability in long-term marriage globally: A systematic review.BMC Psychology. Retrieved from PubMed Central.
Written 9/30/2025