It’s the event most of us dream about at some point. We all hope that we will only have one of them in our lifetime. Whether it is a large event, a small gathering of close friends and family, or a romantic elopement, your wedding can be a beautiful moment that the two of you can reflect upon fondly with one another throughout the course of your marriage.
As a marriage counselor, I often ask couples to tell me about their wedding as a strategy for assisting them in recalling any positive memories they have of their spouse. Usually, even the most conflictual of couples will warm up at the memory of the moment they looked at their spouse and said, “I do.” In fact, if they don’t warm up, tear up, or at least giggle impishly with the slightest bit of delight, I get worried about whether or not the couple can pull through. It isn’t what the dress looks like, or what was served for dinner that matters to these couples, and as their counselor, it is of very little importance to me. What matters is how the couple felt toward one another that day as they committed to share their lives.
So how do you plan a wedding to remember? Plan your marriage. Open up to one another about your greatest hopes and fears regarding the life you would like to create together. Be honest and take responsibility for the areas in which you know you need to improve. Maybe the groom is excellent at finances and a wiz at Quicken but the bride never balances her check book. These are challenges that can be overcome but they must be identified honestly in order to do so. For some reason, it is easier to resolve these types of issues and concerns in an effective manner before the wedding than after it.
Before you say “I do”, take some time to think about what you will really be committing to. Saying “I do” does mean a firm commitment to actively loving your spouse. It means committing to work through challenges together: to do your part, come what may, and to show your love for the spouse in the process. It means committing to appreciate all that your spouse does for you…especially the small things. It means committing to forgive your spouse, to take responsibility for your own personal growth, and do what you can to promote the growth of your spouse. It means being dedicated to your spouse above and beyond your dedication to any other person or pursuit.
Each spouse should also commit to themselves and each other to maintain a baseline of kindness and respect in the marriage relationship and to alert each other to things that they are doing that are hurtful. There is bound to be conflict in planning the wedding, even if the couple has not experienced significant conflict in their relationship up to this point. Planning a wedding can be a good time to learn how to effectively solve problems together: to find compromises you both feel good about and to do so in a way that each person continues to feel loved and respected.
When attempting to resolve conflict, whether it be in planning the wedding festivities or in planning your marriage, here are a few tips to keep in mind. Most pain in a marriage is unintentional. Please do not expect your spouse to read your mind and know when you are hurting because of something they have done. Share your feelings with them in a non defensive manner as possible. Give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they will want to work with you to make the necessary changes to rectify the problem.
Try to understand the other person’s point of view even if you don’t agree with their conclusions or share their concern. You can agree to disagree and still understand the other person’s point of view. If at all possible, find a way to accomplish what you both want, perhaps by coming up with an option together that integrates your two desires.
Despite how difficult this may sound, it is the bedrock upon which many happy marriages are founded. To the extent that each person is truly dedicated to furthering the growth and happiness of the other person and they have the communication and conflict resolution skills to do so, marriage can be a deep and richly happy experience, despite inevitable ups and downs in life.
If discussing the topics of finances, childrearing, in-laws, or sexuality are difficult for you and your fiancée, or if you tend to have difficulty handling conflict or communicating openly with one another, I strongly urge you to get comfortable with these issues before saying “I do”. This is not to say that you should not get married if you struggle with these issues as a couple, but rather that your marriage will be stronger to the extent that you are able to improve in these areas prior to marriage and be committed to working on them throughout your marriage.
If you love each other enough to get married, please love each other enough to face any fears you may have about these areas I have mentioned and address them with one another. By doing so, the moment you say “I do”, can be the beginning of a lifetime of love that grows deeper throughout the years.
You can find therapists that are trained in working with couples on these issues by contacting AzAMFT.org or AAMFT.org (the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy). My colleagues and I would be happy to work with you on helping your wedding be one to remember…and hopefully make it a once in a lifetime event. You can reach us at contactus@azri.org or 480-788-5069 if you have any questions about this or other articles or wish to schedule an appointment for counseling.
