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Author: Dr. Lisa Gold

Arizona’s first certified EFT Therapist and Certified EFT Supervisor AAMFT Clinical Fellow and Approved Supervisor AASECT Certified Sex Therapist
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Attachment Intentions Underlying Affairs: An EFT Perspective On Treating Infidelity

From an attachment perspective every behavior and emotional response is understood as an attempt to get attachment needs for love and security met.  Even when partners’ actions are destructive to their relationships and don’t seem to correspond with a desire to connect, looking for the attachment intention underlying the destructive behavior provides a clearer picture as to the ontological etiology of those actions.  When we understand the irrational and detrimental behavioral and emotional responses as an activation of the amygdala and limbic system to protect against pain and isolation, that which makes no sense at all actually does make sense.  The tragedy is that operating on fear, shame, hurt and sadness with a desperation to avoid the pain of isolation, often leads to greater suffering than that which was initially feared.   It is from this perspective that we invite couples and therapists to examine the attachment intentions underlying affairs.  Doing so provides an opportunity to identify the processes that culminated in reaching outside the primary relationship to meet attachment needs.

These Processes Include:

1) the underlying emotional processes and corresponding unmet attachment needs, as well as

2) the mis-attunement that activated these emotional responses and contributed to the distorted views of self and other as not desiring or capable of meeting each others needs.

In our clinical work, we have found that underlying attachment intentions of affairs can be understood as attempts to:

1) re-engage a partner

2) protect the existing connection with the partner,

3) protect against feared potential abandonment,

4) defend against the pain of potential rejection and negative view of self,

5) exit from pain being experienced as a result of perceived abandonment or rejection from the partner,

5) numb painful primary emotions unrelated to the primary relationship partner,

6) emotionally or physically exit the relationship after losing all hope of creating the desired connection with the primary partner,  and

7) prevent becoming dependent or vulnerable with the primary partner.

These underlying attachment intentions cluster into six identifiable patterns or types of affairs:

1) the Angry Protest Affair,

2) the Come and Get Me Affair,

3) the Burned Out Affair,

4) the Hedge Fund Affair,

5) the Fantasy Escape Affair, and

6) Power Player Affair.

These types of affairs differ in terms of the attachment strategies and the partners’ patterns of interaction prior to the affair.  Understanding these differences can help the couple and the therapist to have a more accurate map of where the couple has been, but also of where they want to go and how they can effectively get there.

We intentionally did not create a type of affair to address whether or not the affair was emotional, sexual or both.  Nor did we create a type of affair that addresses sexual compulsivity, trauma or domestic violence.   The reality is that the degree of emotionality, sexuality, sexual compulsivity or abuse are all dimensions of each type of affair, rather than being types in and of themselves.  It is important to assess for and address these dimensions.  We recommend assessing and treating these dimensions within the framework of understanding the attachment intention and the corresponding behavioral and emotional responses of the particular type of affair.  In our work with our clients, we have found that this framework provides a more effective way of identifying and treating the multi-dimensional aspects of partners individual and relational patterns of emotional processing and action tendencies.  It provides a more detailed map with an understanding of how all the parts of the puzzle interact and have culminated into the couples’ present day relationship patterns.  It provides a map of where each partner has been, where they have been together, where they are now and how to help them get where they would like to go from here.

The constructs of these different types of affairs can assist couples and their therapists with developing a cohesive narrative about how the unfaithful partner became vulnerable to and eventually succumbed to having an affair.  Both partners need to have a shared understanding of this in order for the betrayed partner to take the risk of developing trust in the unfaithful partner.  This shared narrative is also important in assisting the betrayed partners continue to deepen their trust in their partners.  Developing a shared understanding of how the affair happened helps couples to establish mutually agreed upon strategies for actively protecting their relationship from further breaches of trust. Their relationship becomes safe because they develop a pattern of turning to one another to meet their needs for connection, instead of turning outside of their relationship.

Without understanding how the affair happened, it is difficult for the betrayed partner to develop trust in the unfaithful partner’s ability to promise that it will never happen again.  It can also be difficult for the unfaithful partner to feel confident promising that it won’t happen again if the unfaithful partner doesn’t understand how or why the affair happened.  Without understanding the hows and whys of the affair, partners are likely to adopt the most common narratives our culture offers about how and why people cheat.   These popular narratives are likely to perpetuate the partners’ distorted views of themselves, one another, and relationships that contributed to their relationship being vulnerable to infidelity.

Not only are these narratives inaccurate, but they are damaging since they usually pit men and women against each other and portray one or both of the partners as being fundamentally untrustworthy or unworthy of love.  Believing these inaccurate and destructive narratives not only makes it more difficult for couples to heal and develop trust in one another after an affair, it also makes couples more vulnerable to future infidelity and perpetual distrust in each other’s love.  Trust cannot be established if one or both partners view the other as fundamentally untrustworthy by virtue of that partner’s gender or fixed character, or if one or both partners subscribe to the myth that infidelity is an inevitable part of a relationship.  Unless couples are assisted to extract these popular cultural narratives from their own narrative, they are at risk for clinging to their fears rather than taking the risk of reaching for connection.   Anchoring them in an attachment perspective facilitates their ability to create safety in their relationship and move forward with a secure attachment bond.

Can A Marriage Survive Infidelity WITHOUT Counseling?

Some relationships can not survive an affair.  Other couples are able to repair their relationships with couples counseling for infidelity or on their own.  When one partner cheats on the other, it may leave the partner that has been cheated on feeling confused, betrayed, emotionally crushed, and alone.

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New Year’s Resolution: Turning Around and Getting Back on Track

I was driving back to Mesa from a professional conference in Long Beach, California when something happened to me that made me think a bit about my life. I had carefully planned by trip using an online map program, and I was set on my way. I thought I had done everything necessary to prepare for my journey. I was sure about where I wanted to go, and I had researched the best path to take. I was careful to stay alert to the signs along the way that would indicate I was on the right path. I was vigilant about looking for the sign designating the turn I needed to make in order to stay on the path I needed to follow to take me to the ultimate destination. 

Despite all my efforts to stay on course, I somehow missed the turn I was supposed to make. I got off track and was headed a whole other direction than I had planned. I was getting further and further away from my planned destination. “How could I have missed it?” I asked myself in disbelief. “I was watching so carefully, and I had planned so well. What went wrong?” I remained in disbelief for a while and continued along the wrong course even though I knew in my gut that I was not on the course I planned on going. I just couldn’t believe that I got off course when I was trying so hard to stick with my plan. “How is that possible?” 

Finally, I turned off to a rest stop, I got some lunch, re-evaluated my map, and I took some time to think through things. I still couldn’t see how I got off course, but I figured what I needed to do in order to get back to my desired path. I took a deep breath and swallowed my pride. I felt better after the short rest and the nourishment. I turned around and did what I needed to do to get back on track. 

As I turned back, I felt frustrated that I had wasted all that time driving on the wrong course. “But what good does it do to feel bad about that?” I asked myself. “It won’t get me there any faster. It will only make me feel more miserable and interfere with my ability to enjoy the ride from here on out. It is what it is. I can’t do anything about it now but get back on course and enjoy the rest of my journey as much as possible.” So, I took a deep breath and let it out. I let my shoulders relax and put on some of my favorite music. I took in the scenery and thought about how good it felt to just be on the open road with nothing really to worry about at the moment but moving forward. Worrying about the past would not do me any good, and I couldn’t do anything about the future at that moment, except do my best to stay on course. As all of these thoughts flooded my brain, I couldn’t help but see this experience and the thoughts I had about it, as a metaphor for life. I encourage you to reread what you’ve just read, but this time, instead of reading it as being about my drive home from California, read it as if it about your life. Read it as if it is about how you somehow got off course from accomplishing a goal you had set, and apply these ideas to getting back on track toward succeeding in accomplishing the goal. Life is not a destination, it is a journey. Despite our best efforts, we all get off course at different times along our journey. Sometimes, we may not be paying enough attention to the signs that will keep us on course: other times, we really are doing our best, but we still somehow missed the signs. 

When we get off track, the only thing we can do is to get off the wrong track as soon as we realize we have done so. Sometimes it takes a while as we may be in denial or lying to ourselves before we are ready to turn around. We tell ourselves that we must be on the right course, even though in our gut, we know we are going in the wrong direction. Sometimes, we may stay on the wrong course for a while because we don’t want to face the reality of how long it will take us to get on the right track once we do turn around.  

Denial, or ignoring what we know to be true deep inside ourselves, will never help us get where we really want to go. Once we are able to be honest with ourselves and listen to our gut, we need to turn around. Often times, in order to face the longer journey that we must embark upon to get back on track it can be wise to make a pit stop. During this pit stop, it is wise to take some time to honestly reflect on where we were going, how we got off track, where we want to go, and what we have to do to get to where we want to be. Nourishment for the body and soul can help promote healing and give us the jump start we need to face the road ahead. 

Once we have turned around and we are embarked upon the necessary road back to our intended path, we must try to focus on the present more. We must learn from the mistakes of the best but then be willing to let go of any regret, sadness, or guilt associated with it. Regret and guilt serve the purpose of bringing our attention to things that we need to change. Once we have acknowledged our need to change and we have embarked on our new path, regret and guilt only serve the purpose of slowing us down. They keep us from focusing on the present moment and distract us from taking action that will enhance our future. They mire us in fears that we are not capable of staying on course or teaching our desired goal. 

Sadness and pain from the loss of something or someone we loved or from the loss we have seen others we love experience is a topic for a whole other article. But suffice it to say, for the purpose of this article that we must work toward acknowledging and honoring our pain as a means of promoting our healing. Holding on to our pain and incorporating into a lasting part of our identity, will only unnecessarily prolong our suffering. There is a future to be had and no matter how bleak the past or even the present may be, nothing will improve in the future by continuing to mourn the past or dread the future. The present is the only moment in which we can truly make a difference. It is actions in the present that ultimately determine our future. Therefore, anything that interferes with us being fully focused on doing our best in the present moment inevitably interferes with our future being the best it can be.  

It seems to me that a lot of us spend far too much time worrying about the past and worrying that our future will either be like our past or be worse. We often spend our limited time and emotional resources consumed with thoughts of worse case scenarios, devising plans to prevent those scenarios from happening, and/or devising plans of how we would handle those worse case scenarios. By doing so, we are only failing to take advantage of the only sure thing we have in this life: the present. The actions we take in the present are the only true power we have over ensuring that our future will be the best that it can possibly be.  

We have no real control over the details of our future, except through 1) the visions we create in the present about our future, and 2) the actions we take toward making those dreams a reality. I repeat: the present is the only dimension of time in which we truly have any power to make a difference. Our thoughts and actions in the present can help us and others learn and heal from the past as well as enhancing the possibilities of a better tomorrow. 

So here is my New Year’s Challenge to all of you and to myself: let’s make a resolution to live more fully in the present. Let’s take action in the present that promotes growth and healing in the future. Let’s take action in the present that honors the past, acknowledges past pain and mistakes but does not anchor us there. Let our thoughts be of things we hope for, instead of things we fear. Let us relish in the joys and sweetness of the present. Let us take heart in knowing that any pain we are now experiencing will not always be with us. 

Once the pain has served its purpose, and we have allowed ourselves to grieve whatever we may have lost, let’s let it go and be free of it. Let’s stop wasting our limited resources of time and energy clinging on to 1) negative feelings about our past not being what we wanted it to be, 2) worst case scenarios of what the future may hold, or 3) how we might prevent and/or deal with those worst case scenarios. Let’s just live each moment the best that we can. Let’s focus on what we can do in the present to contribute to reaching our desired destination and enjoying the journey along the way. Let’s make it a Happy New Year! 

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Thanksgiving: Celebrating What Matters Most

In many homes, it is a tradition to go around the table just before enjoying the Thanksgiving meal, and say what you are most grateful for. Good health and relationships with loved ones usually top the list. Given the choice between good health and good relationships with the people we love, I think most of us would actually choose the latter. Whether it is the relationships we have with our children, our spouse, close friends, or other family members, what matters most to us is the people we love.

I recently visited a dear friend of mine in the hospital. He has been fighting cancer for a little over one year. As we talked, he mentioned over and over again how much his wife and daughter mean to him.

Despite the fact that his body has been weakened by this disease, it seemed to me that his spirit had never been stronger. He knows what and for whom he is fighting.

He is fighting cancer, but his wife and daughter are who he is fighting for. He is fighting to live out his life with them. He is fighting to be there for them in the ways that they need him and want him to be. There is nothing that matters more to him. I believe that it is his love for his wife and daughter, as well as their love for him, that have sustained him this far and helped him beat the medical odds.

Dr. Bernie Siegel, the author of Love, Medicine and Miracles, believes that “unconditional love is the most powerful known stimulant of the immune system. If I told patients to raise their blood levels of immune globulins or killer T cells, no one would know how. But if I can teach them to love themselves and others fully, the same changes happen automatically. The truth is: love heals”.

The opposite is also true. That is, when we are deprived of love or separated from the ones we love most, our immune systems plummet. Loneliness and loss contribute to serious health problems, such as high blood pressure and heart disease. There are even documented cases of people suffering heart attacks as a result of their grief from losing a loved one. Infants in orphanages in Eastern Europe after WWII who had their nutritional and medical needs met, but were not held regularly by caregivers died in significantly higher numbers than those infants who received regular physical and emotional nurturing from their caregivers.

The research is clear: are emotional needs are inextricably connected with our physiology and our ability to thrive in this world. We need each other. That may a difficult thing for some people to admit, because in order to survive, they have had to convince themselves that they do not need anyone else. But we are all born with an innate desire to connect to other human beings: to turn to them for comfort, reassurance and support. We need to know that we matter to someone.

The problem is that for some people, when they reached out for support, no one was there. For too many, the lesson that “I can’t rely on any one to really care about me or to really be there for me when I need them” is a lesson that was learned early. In order to survive, they then shut down those needs or seek to fulfill those needs in ways that are destructive to themselves and/or others.

Studies on people who have been able to be resilient and defy the odds by rising above the negative circumstances of their childhood, have found that these resilient people all have one thing in common: they all had at least one person who believed in them and was there for them. This person could be a coach, a teacher, a grandparent, a friend…it didn’t matter what the relationship was. What mattered was that despite the rough beginnings of not having any one to turn to, these resilient people had found at least one person to whom they could turn for comfort in their adolescence or early adulthood. They had

found at least one person who loved them and who they could feel safe enough to love back. As Dr. Siegal say, “love heals”.

This Thanksgiving, my thoughts and my heart have been filled with gratitude for the gift that my friend and his wife gave me of being able to spend that time with him in the hospital. I am grateful for the tender moments of life like this that God grants us to focus on what matters most. I am grateful for the opportunity I was given to see first hand that “love heals”. I do not know how long my friend has left in this life, no more than I know how long I or anyone of us has left. What I do know is that the love of his wife and daughter have healed him in ways that no therapy or medical treatment could have. His body may be weakened, but his spirit has been made whole from his love for his family and their love for him.

I am so thankful for the people in my life who I love and who love me back. I am grateful for the people who have been there for me through the years for me to turn to for comfort when I had trouble believing in myself. I am grateful for the people in my life today who allow me into their lives and into their hearts.

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Love Types: How Personality Influences Attraction 

According to Dr. Alexander Avila, our personality type determines the people to whom we are mot attracted. It also determines which people will be most attracted to us. Essentially, when two people’s personalities are well matched, they are more likely to experience passion for one another, enjoy each other’s company, and work well at creating a life together. In his book, “Love types: Discover Your Romantic Style and Find Your Soul Mate (Avon Books,1991),” Dr. Avila explains how the 16 personality types from the Myers-Briggs personality profile impact our love lives.  

There are four main dimensions of personality: 1) Energizing, 2) Focusing, 3) Deciding, and 4) Organizing. Each of these dimensions is divided into two opposite styles. Each person tends to operate predominantly in one of these two styles more than the other style. The unique combination of your styles on each of these 4 dimensions is your personality type. For instance, someone who is predominately introverted, intuitive, feeling and perceiving would be type INFP. The theory is that of the 16 possible personality types, certain types pair well with other types and have a greater chance of being happy together in a long-term committed relationship. So which personality type are you? And which personality types are most likely to be a successful match with you?   

There really is a science to why we are attracted to certain people. Dr. Avila believes that the more we understand about our own personality and the personalities to which we are most likely to be attracted, the more we can put ourselves in situations that will increase the odds of us meeting our match. (For instance, if you are trying to meet an Idealistic Philosopher (INFP), Dr. Avila recommends attending “activities that involve a crusade or mission,” bookstores, museums, the theater, or “working behind the scenes for political and charitable causes”).  

For more information about these personality types and the dynamics created by certain personality matches, I recommend you read “Love Types” by Alexander Avila. Who knows…it just might help you find your perfect match! 

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All Is Fair In Love and War? 

It often seems that many people feel more honor bound by certain rules and protocol of engagement when fighting a war than they feel regarding any protocols for love. We debate the ethical treatment of enemy combatants, yet the very people we profess to love the most, are often discarded recklessly and traded for “better options.” Broken bones may be more visible, but few things are as painful as a broken heart.  

Even the most decent and ethical people aren’t above disregarding any sense of civility or respect for their “ex” when it comes to the breakup and thereafter. Is all fair in love and war, or is it possible to break up with integrity and class? I would like to make an argument for the latter. 

I am certainly not suggesting that people marry or stay with people who they do not love or who are mistreating them in anyway. Nor am I even making any judgment about a person deciding to end a relationship. Of course, there are situations in which ending the relationship is best for everyone involved. I am merely exploring the idea that perhaps it is possible to break someone’s heart. This being done while maintaining our own integrity, honoring what we shared with that person during the course of our relationship, and demonstrating respect for the rejected loved one’s feelings. 

It is never easy to deal with the fact that someone whom you love no longer wants to be with you. However, the healing process for the person being left behind is greatly impacted by the way in which the person leaving handles the process of breaking up. For example, breaking up over a text message or calling your partner on the phone while he or she is on their way to work is NOT, I repeat, NOT a respectful way to end a relationship if you value that person at all. You do not have to stay with your partner, but if you have even an ounce of caring for your soon-to-be ex, you can at least attempt to handle the break up in a manner that will assist that person is moving forward with life. Assuming that you really did care at some point about the person you are breaking up with and assuming that this person has not betrayed your trust or hurt you in anyway, the least that you can do is to break things off in a manner that is respectful. So what would it look like to break up with someone in a way that preserves that person’s dignity and self-esteem as you break their heart? Let me offer some possible guidelines for “breaking up with class.” 

If after having made a commitment to someone, you find yourself unable to continue with the relationship, I believe that these guidelines will help minimize the damage to your own integrity and the other person’s feelings as well as optimize the ability of you both to move forward with your lives. 

ONE: Break up in person (not the phone, text, or email) 

TWO: Do not break up with someone right before they are going to work 

THREE: Do not break up with someone on a significant day (a holiday or birthday) 

FOUR: Do not date your ex’s close friends (shame on the friend who would date your ex) 

FIVE: Do not make up a reason for the breakup: to be honest but with candor 

SIX: Take your time in committing to a new relationship (for your sake as well) 

NUMBERS ONE THROUGH FOUR: Are pretty self-explanatory, but unfortunately many people fail to follow these guidelines due to their own cowardice or their inability to tolerate their own feelings or distress. They often blurt out their feelings without considering what the impact of what they are saying will have on the other person. 

NUMBER FIVE: Far too often, people break-up with their significant other and give a false reason for the break up. Sometimes a false reason is given out of the misguided belief that it will protect the other person’s feelings. The biggest reason why people give false reasons is to spare themselves from having to tolerate seeing the other person hurt or angry. They may also want to avoid feeling guilty. Although it requires more courage, it demonstrates more integrity to honestly explain your reasons for the break up. Doing so will help the other person to make sense of what went wrong with the relationship and offers that person a greater chance to make peace with moving on. It is not your job to help your ex heal from your break up, but it is certainly more mature and more honorable to leave the person with a sense of your perspective. This offers your ex an opportunity to draw upon your view about the relationship as she takes responsibility for her own healing. Use candor: honesty doesn’t mean cruelty. Don’t criticize the person, but instead point out dynamics in the relationship that didn’t work for you. Own your feelings and reasons for the break up. The use of “I” messages can help. For instance, “I’ve realized that I need to be with someone who deals with conflict more directly,” or “I have felt for a long time that you don’t stand up for me, when your family is rude to me, and I don’t think that this will ever change.” Take responsibility for identifying the ways in which the relationship no longer works for you. 

NUMBER SIX: For your own sake, as well as for the sake of your forsaken partner, don’t rush into a new relationship (especially marriage) right after a break up. Taking your time before committing to a new relationship does not mean that you shouldn’t begin dating. It does mean that you should take time before getting serious and committing to an exclusive relationship, especially marriage. You are much less likely to break hearts (including your own) if you refrain from rushing into a commitment prior to actually knowing who you are committing to.  

Before committing to a new relationship, you should experience being with the new person in a variety of settings and know that person for at least three months. We now know that within at least the first three months of a relationship, the brain chemistry of two people who are romantically attracted to one another is similar to that of someone who is high on cocaine. You should no more make a commitment to marry within the first three months of knowing a person that you should make a commitment to anything serious when you are high. This is not to say that this psychological response of falling in love ends after three months. Some researchers suggest that it is only after two years that the brain chemistry does not interfere with our ability to view our romantic partner’s flaws honestly. Perhaps that is where the saying, “Go into marriage with your eyes wide open and stay in the marriage with your eyes half closed” comes from.  

A word of caution about relationships that have begun out of infidelity: they often end in infidelity. The partners in these relationships are often shocked that their partner would cheat on them, but history has a sad way of repeating itself. If you and your partner did not have the emotional maturity and ethical restraint to refrain from beginning a new relationship prior to ending an ongoing relationship, you are kidding yourself to believe that the two of you will never deal with issues of jealousy, flirting with others, and other boundary issues, even if you never actually breach the fidelity of the new relationship.  

If your current relationship began out of infidelity to your prior relationship, get to therapy now if you want this new relationship to succeed. Take advantage of the momentum you are now enjoying in the early stages of your relationship and work on creating healthier relationship patterns so that you won’t have to repeat the past. 

I am a firm believer that when we act with integrity, we not only benefit others but also we personally benefit. The inverse is also true: you cannot hurt others without also damaging your personal integrity to some degree, even if the pain you caused was out of ignorance or negligence. So when it’s time to say good-bye, remember all that the person you are leaving has added to your life and honor their humanity by treating them humanely. Leave them if you must, but at least try to leave them with their dignity intact. 

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The Bonds that Set Us Free. Love and Attachment 

If you ask most parents about what it was like the first time they left their toddler at daycare or with a babysitter whom their child did not know well, they will tell you that it was not easy. They will probably describe their child’s response to their departure as consisting of crying, clinging, screaming or some combination of these behaviors. Developmental psychologist, John Bowlby, refers to this behavior seen in babies and young children as “separation protest.” Around nine months of age, children tend to develop a solid sense of who the people are in their life. They seem to identify those with whom they can trust to provide them with consistent warmth, reassurance and care. These people are the child’s attachment figures; they are the people to whom the child is securely attached.  

We continue to form attachments to people throughout our life. The most significant attachment figure for an adult is ideally their spouse. Couples in romantic relationships form attachments to each other, similar to the attachment bond formed between children and their parents. The same patterns of interaction and responses seen between parents and their children are also seen between couples. The quality of the interaction and the particular responses demonstrated are usually predicted upon the quality of the attachment bond: that is, whether the bond is secure or insecure. 

Children who are securely attached to their parents, may initially protest being separated from them, but resume playing or being otherwise occupied once the parents leave. Securely attached children will also greet their parents warmly and happily when they return. In contrast, children who are insecurely attached to their parents respond with very different behaviors.  

When parents are inconsistent in their ability to respond with warmth and accurately identify and meet their children’s needs, those children tend to continue being distressed long after the parent had left and are unable to resume play. When their parent returns, these children usually vacillate between clinging to the caregiver and ignoring or showing anger at the parent.  

These children are confused. They want to trust their parent, but they are not sure they can. They therefore go back and forth between clinging to the parent to keep the parent close, and distancing themselves from the parent to shield them from the pain they anticipate once the parent is inevitably unavailable. This pattern describes children with an anxious ambivalent attachment to the parent. These children have learned that the parent can not be trusted to consistently be available. Even though the parent may be physically present, he or she may be emotionally unavailable to the child and therefore misinterpret or fail to acknowledge the child’s attempts to get his or her attention. Children who have an anxious ambivalent attachment to their parents therefore demonstrate a confusing set of behaviors that demand the parent’s attention: “Come here! I need you!” and behaviors that refuse the parent’s attempt to be close “Go away. I don’t need you.” 

Although these children desperately desire their parent to be close and responsive, they are afraid to trust their parent’s attempt to do so because the parent’s behavior is so inconsistent. They then protect themselves from accepting when their parent does attempt to nurture them, these children often protect themselves from accepting that nurturance because of their fear: fear that they will be enjoying this closeness to the parent, only to feel abandoned again when the parent is unable to deliver the next time they need them. 

The other most prevalent type of insecure attachment is termed “avoidant attachment.” Children who have developed an avoidant attachment to their parents demonstrate no distress at all at the parent’s departure. They usually ignore the parent prior to the departure or may even stiffen up their bodies in resistance to receiving a hug from the departing parent. When the parent returns, these children are as uninterested in connecting with the parent as they were when the parent left. 

Children who securely attached have developed a bond of trust between themselves and their parents. Due to the consistent warm responses of the parents, their children have come to trust that they can depend on them to be there when they need them. This trust in their parents allows securely attached children to explore the world confidently. They use their parents as a secure base to return to in the event that they become scared, overwhelmed or upset in any way. They return to the parents for comfort, protection, safety, reassurance, and love. They take in this cocktail of warmth and responsiveness and are then ready to return to their play- their wounds having been cared for, their fears called and their confidence renewed.  

For securely attached children, their relationship with their parents is their “safe haven” from the stresses of the world. They feel more confident to take on challenges because they know that if they get in an unsafe situation or take on more of a challenge then they really can handle, their parent will be there to alert them any dangers, assist them in finding alternative solutions to meeting the challenge and offer support in matters where they are unable to accomplish the task alone. They feel confident in their own abilities to make it to make it in the world on their own, even if the parent is not right there by their side, because they have confidence that there is nothing they can not accomplish without the parent’s help if they need it.  

So what does this have to do with couple relationships? Take a look again at the descriptions and replace the words “parent” and “children,” with “partners.” Then reread the description of attachment behaviors and asks yourself if you have seen any of these same patterns in couple relationships. Researchers have confirmed that these same attachment patterns we see between parents and their children also exist between partners in romantic relationships. A secure attachment bond, whether it be between parent and child or partners in a couple relationship, provides a foundation from which the children or couples draw a sense of confidence that allows them to successfully meet challenges in their lives.  

Children who securely attached to their parents, and partners who are securely attached to each other, enjoy greater emotional, psychological and even physical health than their insecurely attached peers. There is no greater gift than the blessing of knowing you are loved by and safe with the person upon whom you depend above all others in your life.   

 

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The Wedding to Remember

It’s the event most of us dream about at some point. We all hope that we will only have one of them in our lifetime. Whether it is a large event, a small gathering of close friends and family, or a romantic elopement, your wedding can be a beautiful moment that the two of you can reflect upon fondly with one another throughout the course of your marriage. 

As a marriage counselor, I often ask couples to tell me about their wedding as a strategy for assisting them in recalling any positive memories they have of their spouse. Usually, even the most conflictual of couples will warm up at the memory of the moment they looked at their spouse and said, “I do.” In fact, if they don’t warm up, tear up, or at least giggle impishly with the slightest bit of delight, I get worried about whether or not the couple can pull through. It isn’t what the dress looks like, or what was served for dinner that matters to these couples, and as their counselor, it is of very little importance to me. What matters is how the couple felt toward one another that day as they committed to share their lives. 

So how do you plan a wedding to remember? Plan your marriage. Open up to one another about your greatest hopes and fears regarding the life you would like to create together. Be honest and take responsibility for the areas in which you know you need to improve. Maybe the groom is excellent at finances and a wiz at Quicken but the bride never balances her check book. These are challenges that can be overcome but they must be identified honestly in order to do so. For some reason, it is easier to resolve these types of issues and concerns in an effective manner before the wedding than after it. 

Before you say “I do”, take some time to think about what you will really be committing to. Saying “I do” does mean a firm commitment to actively loving your spouse. It means committing to work through challenges together: to do your part, come what may, and to show your love for the spouse in the process. It means committing to appreciate all that your spouse does for you…especially the small things. It means committing to forgive your spouse, to take responsibility for your own personal growth, and do what you can to promote the growth of your spouse. It means being dedicated to your spouse above and beyond your dedication to any other person or pursuit. 

Each spouse should also commit to themselves and each other to maintain a baseline of kindness and respect in the marriage relationship and to alert each other to things that they are doing that are hurtful. There is bound to be conflict in planning the wedding, even if the couple has not experienced significant conflict in their relationship up to this point. Planning a wedding can be a good time to learn how to effectively solve problems together: to find compromises you both feel good about and to do so in a way that each person continues to feel loved and respected. 

When attempting to resolve conflict, whether it be in planning the wedding festivities or in planning your marriage, here are a few tips to keep in mind. Most pain in a marriage is unintentional. Please do not expect your spouse to read your mind and know when you are hurting because of something they have done. Share your feelings with them in a non defensive manner as possible. Give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they will want to work with you to make the necessary changes to rectify the problem. 

Try to understand the other person’s point of view even if you don’t agree with their conclusions or share their concern. You can agree to disagree and still understand the other person’s point of view. If at all possible, find a way to accomplish what you both want, perhaps by coming up with an option together that integrates your two desires. 

Despite how difficult this may sound, it is the bedrock upon which many happy marriages are founded. To the extent that each person is truly dedicated to furthering the growth and happiness of the other person and they have the communication and conflict resolution skills to do so, marriage can be a deep and richly happy experience, despite inevitable ups and downs in life. 

If discussing the topics of finances, childrearing, in-laws, or sexuality are difficult for you and your fiancée, or if you tend to have difficulty handling conflict or communicating openly with one another, I strongly urge you to get comfortable with these issues before saying “I do”. This is not to say that you should not get married if you struggle with these issues as a couple, but rather that your marriage will be stronger to the extent that you are able to improve in these areas prior to marriage and be committed to working on them throughout your marriage.  

If you love each other enough to get married, please love each other enough to face any fears you may have about these areas I have mentioned and address them with one another. By doing so, the moment you say “I do”, can be the beginning of a lifetime of love that grows deeper throughout the years. 

You can find therapists that are trained in working with couples on these issues by contacting AzAMFT.org or AAMFT.org (the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy). My colleagues and I would be happy to work with you on helping your wedding be one to remember…and hopefully make it a once in a lifetime event. You can reach us at contactus@azri.org or 480-788-5069 if you have any questions about this or other articles or wish to schedule an appointment for counseling. 

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The Freedom from Forgiveness

One thing we can count on in this life is that, despite our best efforts, we will hurt the ones we love and they will hurt us. Most of this hurt will be unintentional, but painful nonetheless. We all have things to learn, and we make mistakes. Therefore, heavy doses of patience and forgiveness are required for any relationship to survive and thrive long-term.  

We often think of forgiveness as freeing the person who is being forgiven. However, it is not only the person being forgiven, but also the person who forgives that is freed. When we forgive others, we free ourselves from the pain and disappointment of the past and allow ourselves to move forward toward a better future. We free ourselves from the burden of bitterness, resentment, and contempt. We free ourselves from allowing our pain to define us or to dictate our future. We can be whole again. 

Each one of us has only a limited amount of time and emotional resources. Forgiveness makes it possible for us to devote our time and emotional resources, as well as all our other resources (financial, spiritual, intellectual) toward creating the present and future we desire. The inability to forgive wastes our limited and valuable resources on ruminations about the past and how we wish things had been different. We waste our emotional energy on wishing the person who wronged us would suffer to pay for how deeply they have hurt us. 

This is not to say that we should ignore the pain we are feeling or pretend that we are not hurting. I am not advocating that we pretend like the wrong was not committed or that we never try to understand how it happened. We must make some meaning of our experiences in order to move forward in peace. However, we can and must learn from the past without remaining in it.  

This is accomplished by 1) acknowledging how we wish things could have been different, 2) acknowledging the pain that we have felt because of how things didn’t turn out the way we had hoped they would, 3) accepting that things are as they are, and 4) ultimately refusing to believe that a painful past inevitably means a painful present or future. We must refuse to be defined by our pain and channel all of our resources and efforts toward living a fulfilling life from this point forward. 

Relationships are only as strong as they parties’ ability to forgive. Many relationships end because one or both parties are not able to forgive. Other relationships may not end, but are permanently altered due to the severity of the break in trust. In this case, people may continue to love and care for one another, but are unable to fully trust in the way that they had prior to the fateful break in trust. 

There are relationships in which the person who has hurt their loved one is able to patiently re-earn the trust of the person who is hurting. This regaining of trust is accomplished with great efforts on the part of both partners, and it requires the patience of both. However, when two people are able to muster the courage and strength necessary to rebuild the trust, they often emerge from the process more deeply bonded to one another and more appreciative of each other and their relationship than they have ever been before. 

Forgiveness and the regaining of trust are processes that are intimately intertwined in a dance between partners who are trying to heal. These processes ebb and flow over time. Healing does not occur as a steady progression without any setbacks. The process is more similar to the manner in which the ocean tide rises upon the shore. With each wave, the water progresses further toward its ultimate destination on the shore. However, the tide does not reach its ultimate destination without returning back from where it came. Each time the tide returns to the shore, it progresses further up toward its goal until it has ultimately reached it. 

Couples need to realize that any attempts to enact positive change in their relationship will follow the pattern of the tide. In the best of relationships, as we are trying to progress, there are setbacks and times of questioning as to whether we or our partner will ever “get it right.” Interspersed with these moments of frustration and fears that “nothing is changing,” we are blessed with glimpses of breakthroughs and peace. The trick is to focus on the times that we are succeeding at making progress instead of getting mired in all the times we continue to struggle. We must try to focus on noticing even the smallest evidence that the desired change is becoming more of the rule instead of the exception.  

To the extent that each partner is able to give what they are able, and take in what the other is offering, a couple can get back in sync with one another and develop an even stronger emotional bond than they enjoyed prior to the breach in their trust. “When you heal a relationship, you create a relationship that heals (Susan Johnson, 2007).” 

Unlike the tide, however, our lives and our relationships do not have a definitive “end” goal. It is impossible for our relationships to be fixed and static: they are ever-changing. Couples must continue to put their efforts toward nurturing their relationship so that it will continue to grow. They must continue to strengthen the bond of trust they share. It is essential, therefore, that we cease putting our efforts toward mourning the past or maintaining resentment. Creating the present and future we desire requires all our attention and efforts. We must forgive and move on. 

Whether or not a relationship can be healed, we must forgive in order for us to heal and move forward with our lives. Unless we can come to peace with our past and the person who has hurt us, we run the risk of defining ourselves and our futures by that past pain. There is no peace in holding on to bitterness, resentment, contempt, or rage. We must relieve ourselves of this burden, and let it go in order to move forward to better times. We must do so to find peace and create a better future.  

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The Art of Loving Well

To love and to be loved is more than a nice idea that keeps greeting card companies and jewelry stores in business.  It is a biological need wired into our DNA as part of our emotional and physical survival.  The survival function of love goes far beyond reproduction of the species.  This is evident from research on orphans in post-WWII Romania and in more recent studies on the physical health of adults. In the study on the orphans, one group of infants was bottle fed but was deprived of human touch and attention. The other group of infants were held and cuddled while they were fed. Those infants deprived of touch and human interaction actually ended up becoming sick and a significant number of them died. And more recent studies on adults have found that people who are happily married experience less incidence of depression, anxiety, hypertension and cardiovascular disease than their counterparts who are either single or unhappily married. 

Consider that there are people who have been so emotionally hurt that they have cut themselves off from their need to love and be loved. There is a wide range of degrees to which people are closed off or open to the possibility of loving others and allowing others to love them. To truly be open to the possibility of loving and being loved requires courage. The extent of courage required is equal to the degree to which our attempts to love and be loved have been met with disappointment and pain in the past. For many people, the risk of opening themselves to the possibility of loving and being loved requires tremendous courage. 

 There are also those who have given up on love. They have come to believe that the only safe way of surviving this life is to tightly lock up and wall of their heart: to neither extend themselves to others nor to allow anyone else in. With Valentine’s Day on the horizon, I would like to extend an invitation to all of you to re-examine your need to love and be loved. I recognize that our need to love and be loved does not have to be fulfilled through a romantic relationship. I am also not suggesting that a person cannot be truly happy without being in a romantic relationship. What I would like to propose, however, is that life is always more rewarding when we have the courage to be open to opportunities that may present themselves to us.  

Whether you are already married and your romantic feelings toward your spouse have waned or you are single and discouraged about ever finding the love you desire, I want to encourage you to simply open yourself up to the possibility of finding  the love you want. The decision to risk being hurt by opening yourself up to the possibility of love coming into your life may feel like jumping into cold water: exciting and terrifying all at the same time. There is no promise that opening your heart will not result in pain. In fact, being human pretty much guarantees that you will experience pain. It is simply your choice as to what type of pain you want to experience: the pain of isolation from closing your heart to love or the pain that comes from opening your heart to love. Opening your heart to love will inevitably mean dealing with some variety of the following types of pain: rejection, abandonment, disappointment, loneliness, longing when separated from the loved one, and/or the pain of seeing those we love in pain.  

There is no life without pain, but we do have a choice as to which type of pain we are willing to open ourselves up to. To risk exposing ourselves to the pain that comes from loving and being loved is to open ourselves up to the type of pain that offers the opportunity for growth. To accept the pain of isolation is to wall ourselves off to growth as a human being. There is an art to loving and being loved.  

The masters of this art know that the secret to greatness lies in their ability to experience and learn from the wide spectrum of emotion: our own emotions and those of our loved ones.  

The art of loving entails a delicate interplay between intellectual and empathic understanding. It requires patients with ourselves and each other. 

We must exercise great patience and sensitivity to our own needs and the needs of our loved ones as we muddle along together and try to find mutually beneficial solutions that promote each others’ growth.  

The art of loving requires us to connect with ourselves and be more fully aware of who we are and what we want so that we can articulate, express and share ourselves with our loved ones. It requires us to set aside our own preconceived notions and perceptions long enough to inhabit the thoughts and feelings of our loved ones in order to understand how they are experiencing the world.  

We need to be solid enough in ourselves to recognize the difference between their perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and needs and our own so that we can be full partners in developing a life together: a life that weaves together the hopes and fulfills the deepest desires of both partners. Much as the sound of a symphony is fuller and richer than any solo instrument, so too is the life of two people engaged in harmonizing their lives with each other as compared to one person shining on their own.  

From my heart to yours, I invite you to open yourself up to possibilities. Be aware of what it is that you want and need most. Find the courage to express that to others and allow others to express their needs and wants to you. I cannot promise that you will not encounter pain in so doing, but I can promise that life will be richer and more purposeful. I truly believe (and scientific research supports the premise) that love, whether it be romantic or platonic is as vital to our emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health as the very air we breathe. 

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What Is Love?

For example, a relationship characterized by passion and friendship, would be predominately a relationship of romantic love. 

One of my favorite answers to the age old question has been offered by the psychologist Robert Sternberg in his triangular theory of love. He asserts that there are different types of love (e.g. parent-child love, romantic love, companionate love) and that each type of love is distinct from the other due to varying degrees of three distinct aspects of love, These three aspects of love are what Sternberg refers to as compromising the love triangle; Passion (sexual attraction), Friendship (genuinely liking, enjoying, and concern for the person’s well-being) and Commitment. 

A long term, loyal friendship would be characterized by a love composed of friendship and commitment but devoid of sexual passion. Passion with commitment, but not friendship is said by Sternberg to be a “fatuous” love; that is, the persons involved have made a commitment prior to taking the time to develop their connection to one another as friends. 

Sternberg describes the love that is established on a foundation of equal measures of passion, friendship, and commitment as “consummate love”. Consummate love does not mean that there is not conflict or differences of opinion. It means that despite the challenges that life may throw at a couple, they are committed to finding a solution that works well for the two of them. The friendship they feel for one another will not allow them to take a course of action that would intentionally hurt their loved one or in anyway, diminish that person’s dignity or dreams. The passion they feel for one another is something they view as a gift that they share with each other rather than en entitlement. There is a deep respect for the loved one as an individual separate from one’s self, as well as a deep respect for the commitment they each have made to nurture their relationship. 

Sound idealist or Pollyannaish? It isn’t. It is rare, but I’ve seen it in action. It requires the following: 1) humility (willingness to admit you are wrong & gratitude for your loved one), 2) flexibility (willingness and ability to create a shared vision for the future), and 3) healthy emotional boundaries (genuine respect for self and your loved one as well as the skills to effectively demonstrate that respect). 

Consummate love requires much of each partner in order to attain it, but it’s also a great gift and a blessing: no one, no matter how hard they might work on their relationship, can develop this kind of love on their own. It takes two people committed to improving themselves and giving of themselves to their partner. If you are lucky enough to have a partner willing to engage in the journey of creating such a love, be grateful and bask in the joy of how blessed you are. Recommit each day to one another and to yourself to live your life in a manner that will perpetuate the development of this love…this is the only way of sustaining it over a lifetime. 

Romantic Date Idea: Make a candlelight dinner for two at home. Cook your loved one’s favorite dinner (or order take out if you must) and dine while listening to a custom made soundtrack of music that reminds you of the person you love. 

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