Day: January 16, 2025

Why We Need Boundaries (Yes, Even YOU) 

Ever invited a friend for a last-minute coffee or karaoke session, only to hear a polite but firm ‘no’? Ouch. It feels like rejection, doesn’t it? But here’s the truth: their ‘no’ isn’t about rejecting you—it’s about honoring their boundaries. Rejection is tough, whether if it’s someone we just met or a friend we’ve known for ages. But the rejection of a declined invitation, the “no” of “Do you have time for this?”, or even the cutting short of time together are not rejection! These are all ways that we and others manage our boundaries. Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships! Both in the setting of them and in respecting them. Hearing “no” from someone is actually a relationship green flag and a sign of emotional safety. 

Let’s start with an unpopular truth: boundaries are not mean. Boundaries are not rude. Boundaries are not personal. In fact, boundaries are one of the most loving, honest, and trust-building things we can offer each other. 

So, why do they feel so hard—whether we’re setting them or hearing them? 

We are going to talk about why boundaries matter, how to set your own, and (deep breath) how to handle it when someone else tells you “no.”  

Spoiler alert: people who say no are safe people. 

What Boundaries Are (and What They Aren’t) 

At their most evolved point, boundaries are the point at which I am able to love, honor, respect, and celebrate YOU, while doing the same for ME. Boundaries are the invisible rules we set to protect our energy, time, and emotional well-being. Boundaries might include things like, rules about yelling, turning a phone to “Do Not Disturb” after 8 pm, not responding to work emails on the weekend, taking breaks when we need them, saying no when we aren’t feeling up to it, and many more things. Boundaries aren’t barriers—they’re tools for preserving energy, protecting emotional health, and fostering mutual respect. 

A boundary is like a personalized instruction manual for how to interact with someone. Think of it as a friendly guide that says, “Here’s how to connect with me without accidentally draining my battery or pushing my self-destruct button.” 

What boundaries aren’t is rejection. They aren’t about pushing people away or being selfish. In fact, boundaries help us show up as our best selves in relationships, because we’re not running on empty or pretending to be OK when we’re not. 

Unfortunately, boundaries have a bit of a PR problem. Somewhere along the line, we started to associate saying “no” with being unkind. (Let’s blame the people-pleasing epidemic.) But think about it—how kind is it, really, to say yes to something you don’t have the time, energy, or capacity for? Have you ever known someone who says “yes” to everything because they want to be known as the “nice” one but clearly hates it? Maybe it’s the coworker that never says “no,” but complains about all the extra work they must do; or the friend or family member that shows up at all the social gathering but won’t stop talking about how much they hate social gatherings. These are not ways to be “nice.” Stop trying to be “nice” at the expense of your well-being! 

Why People Who Say No Are Actually Safe People 

Let me share a personal example to show you how saying no builds trust and safety in relationships. 

I have two friends that I met in school, while we were studying to become therapists. These two amazing people have taught me the beauty and safety of being told “no.” They are two people that often tell me no – they cancel plans when they’re not feeling well, they tell me they don’t have the mental or emotional resources to help when they’re drained or burned out, and when they do show up, I know that they are ready, willing, and genuinely happy to be there for me in whatever capacity that I need. They know their limits are honest about them. I know with absolutely surety that their yesses are genuine because they are comfortable telling me no. It is a transformative experience to feel that kind of assurance. 

It might feel counterintuitive, but people who say no are some of the safest people you can have in your life. 

Here’s why: 

1. They’re Honest: When someone tells you no, they’re being real with you. They’re not saying yes just to avoid conflict or because they feel obligated. Their yeses are authentic, and you can trust them to mean what they say.
2. They Value Themselves—and You Too: A no often means, “I care enough about myself to protect my energy—and I care enough about you to be honest.”
3. They’re Predictable: Safe people are consistent. They don’t overcommit and then flake out. They don’t say yes and secretly resent you. They’re clear, and that clarity creates trust.

Think of it this way: Would you rather have a friend who occasionally says no, or one who says yes to everything and then ghosts you when it matters? 

Managing Your Own Boundaries Like A Pro 

Setting boundaries isn’t easy, especially if you’re used to saying yes to everything and everyone. But it’s a skill worth practicing – and anything worth doing, is worth doing poorly, including managing boundaries. Here’s how to get started: 

1. Know Your Limits

Take a moment to reflect on what drains your energy. Is it saying yes to too many social plans? Overcommitting at work? Spending hours in group texts about what to order for dinner? Start noticing where you feel stretched too thin. 

2. Start Small

You don’t have to start by saying no to your boss or your in-laws. Practice in low-stakes situations, like declining an invite to a random Tuesday night event or leaving said event early. And keep practicing! You can build up to the big things. 

3. Use Friendly Phrasing

Boundaries don’t have to sound harsh. You can say, “I’d love to help, but I don’t have the bandwidth right now,” or “Thanks for thinking of me, but I’ll have to pass this time.” Adding warmth to your delivery can help soften the blow for both you and the other person. 

4. Expect Discomfort

Here’s the truth: setting boundaries can feel awkward, especially at first. You might worry about disappointing people or feel a twinge of guilt. That’s OK. Discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you’re growing. It’s ok to be nervous. I teach people how to set boundaries all day, every day, and I still get nervous on occasion when I have to set a boundary or tell someone no. You can do it! 

Respecting Others’ Boundaries Without Taking It Personally 

Someone else’s boundaries are not a reflection of you or of your important to them. Now say it out loud: “Other people’s boundaries are not a reflection of me or my importance to them.” The boundaries that other people set are about them – it’s about what they need to feel safe and secure in this world. And how lucky are you that they trust you help them with that!  

It’s natural to feel a little hurt or disappointed when you hear a no, but that doesn’t mean you’re unimportant—it just means the other person is taking care of themselves. Let’s be real: hearing “no” can sting. Our inner toddler immediately wants to stomp their foot and yell, “But whyyyyy?” Know this: Learning to handle someone else’s boundaries gracefully is just an important as setting your own. I’m going to repeat that for you, because I want you to remember it: 

Learning to handle someone else’s boundaries gracefully is just an important as setting your own. 

Here’s how to navigate it like a champ: 

1. Pause Before Reacting

When someone sets a boundary, take a moment to process it. Resist the urge to take it personally—it’s not about you, even if it feels that way. 

2. Ask for Clarity (If Needed)

If the boundary isn’t clear, it’s OK to ask for clarification. Just don’t pressure the person to change their mind. For example, “Got it—thanks for letting me know. Let me know if there’s a way we can adjust this in the future.” 

3. Show Gratitude

Thank the person for their honesty, even if their no is disappointing. A simple, “Thanks for letting me know,” goes a long way in showing you respect their needs and creates a safe place for both of you for more boundary setting. Gratitude is a magical little thing that we can do that literally changes our brains. It sets us for success in the future by reminding us that the honesty associated with healthy boundaries is how we build safety and security in our relationships. 

4. Move On Gracefully

Don’t dwell on it, guilt-trip them, or make it weird. Accept the boundary and adjust your expectations. And remember, just because your coworker doesn’t want to join your trivia team doesn’t mean they’re plotting your demise! 

The Big Picture – Boundaries Build Better Relationships 

Here’s the magic of boundaries: they strengthen relationships, they don’t weaken them. When people feel safe to say no, they’re more likely to show up authentically. And when you respect someone’s no, you show them that their needs matter to you. 

Imagine a world without boundaries. Everyone says yes to everything, all the time. Chaos ensues. Resentments build. Relationships fall apart. Boundaries are what keep us from imploding—and they pave the way for trust, respect, and connection. 

So, the next time someone tells you no, try reframing it. Instead of seeing it as rejection, see it for the beautiful thing it is : a sign that this person respects themselves—and you—enough to be honest. Every “no” someone says makes their “yes” more meaningful—and isn’t that what we all want? 

Becoming a Boundaries Cheerleader 

Boundaries aren’t walls that shut people out; they’re bridges that help us connect in healthier, more sustainable ways. 

Your challenge for the week: 

1. Say no—just once. Start small and notice how empowering it feels to honor your needs.
2. When someone sets a boundary with you, thank them for their honesty. Let them know you respect their courage to prioritize themselves. 

Every no paves the way for more authentic yeses, and that’s the foundation of any great relationship. 

And remember, people who say no are safe people. Celebrate their boundaries—and yours.