When couples come to see me for relationship counseling, they often say they’re struggling with “intimacy.” Most of the time, they mean sex. But intimacy is so much more than the sexual connection we share with a partner (or partners). It’s built through countless small moments across all kinds of relationships—romantic or otherwise. Let’s dive into the five key types of intimacy and why they’re essential (or not!) for deepening connection in your relationships.

1. Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy is not sexual intimacy! Physical intimacy is all the ways we engage in physical touch that don’t involve or lead to sex. Think about holding hands, hugging, massages, kisses, resting a hand on the small of someone’s back, your feet touching under the table, or brushing against each other when sitting side by side. If you’re feeling disconnected in your relationship, ask yourself: How often do I touch my partner without the intention of sex? 

Touch is essential in a healthy, secure relationship. Non-sexual touch builds safety, security, trust, and connection in relationships. Cheryl Fraser, PhD, has written and researched on the importance of non-sexual touch. She teaches couples in her Become Passion classes that there are three 3 “keys to passion:” 

1. Three-Breath Hugs: Hug your partner and breathe deeply together for three breaths. Hugs are a powerful tool for calming the vagus nerve, which helps regulate your body’s stress response. 
2. Naked Bedtime Cuddles: Just as skin-to-skin contact is vital for newborns, it’s equally important for adults. Snuggling naked—without the expectation of sex—builds comfort and emotional safety. 
3. Holding Hands: Something as simple as holding hands for as long as possible can strengthen your bond. 

These small acts of physical intimacy may seem insignificant, but they have a profound impact on creating a secure, connected partnership. 

2. Sexual Intimacy

Sexual intimacy refers to all the ways we engage in sexual activity, including foreplay and arousal. Sex is deeply personal and varies widely from person to person. What feels like sex to one person might not feel the same to another. (Remember when a certain U.S. president claimed he “did not have sexual relations with that woman”? It made many of us stop and ask: What even counts as sex?) 

The definition of sex is something to explore together. Ask your partner questions like: 

• “What does sex mean to you?”
• “What do you enjoy most about sexual intimacy?”

While sexual intimacy is central for some, it’s not a necessity for everyone. Asexuality, for example, exists on its own spectrum, ranging from “sex-averse” to “sex-neutral.” Many loving, intimate relationships thrive without sexual intimacy. 

For those who want to nurture or rebuild sexual intimacy, consulting a sex therapist can be transformative. Sex therapists are trained to help individuals and couples understand and embrace their sexuality through tailored interventions, exercises, and open conversations. We work hard to stay educated on kink, BDSM, sexual minorities, non-traditional relationships, and more so we can compassionately and respectfully help our clients and meet them where they’re at. We’ve heard it all and if you think you’re going to surprise us, you’re probably not. 

3. Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy asks: 

• Do I feel safe sharing my feelings with my partner(s)?
• Can I trust them with my vulnerability?
• Am I a safe space for their emotions, too?

True emotional intimacy is reciprocal. It requires both authenticity and the willingness to hold space for one another’s feelings. In my practice, I’ve often observed that when emotional intimacy is lacking, physical and sexual intimacy suffer as well. 

To foster emotional intimacy, start by building it within yourself. This means: 

• Recognizing and naming your emotions. 

• Understanding the ways your body expresses those emotions. 

• Practicing mindfulness to stay present. 

• Journaling or seeking a trusted confidant to help you process your experiences. 

In a relationship, emotional intimacy grows through storytelling, curiosity, honesty, and shared experiences. Also, consider working together on projects, housework, volunteering, learning a new skill together, or (and maybe especially) being really terrible at something together. Whether you’re laughing at an inside joke or supporting each other during tough times, these moments weave the fabric of emotional connection. 

4. Intellectual Intimacy

Intellectual intimacy thrives on curiosity, attentiveness, and shared excitement. It’s about being engaged in each other’s passions, even if you don’t share the same interests. Intellectual intimacy is an essential part of secure attachment in any kind of relationship – romantic, familial, platonic, etc. 

For example, one of my children, a math and computer wizard, once showed me a complex equation he’d written. While I couldn’t follow it at all, I stayed curious and celebrated his enthusiasm. His excitement became my excitement. 

This concept is what John and Julie Gottman, renowned relationship researchers, call “bids for connection.” Every time someone shares something they’re excited about, they’re offering a chance to connect. Intellectual intimacy is built when we respond to these bids with genuine curiosity and attention. 

To nurture intellectual intimacy, pay attention when your partner shares something. Ask questions, celebrate their enthusiasm, and stay present in their world, even if it’s outside your own interests. 

5. Spiritual Intimacy

Spiritual intimacy is a bonus type of intimacy—it’s not essential for everyone, but it’s deeply meaningful for those who value spirituality or religion in their lives. It involves sharing and respecting each other’s beliefs, practices, and views on life, death, morality, and the meaning of existence. 

I’ve worked with countless people navigating relationships where spiritual beliefs differ. What I’ve seen is this: When there’s mutual respect and curiosity, spiritual intimacy can become one of the strongest bonds in a relationship. Without it, the relationship may struggle to feel truly secure. 

If spirituality is important to you, explore ways to share it with your partner. Whether it’s meditating together, discussing ethical dilemmas, or attending religious services, spiritual intimacy grows when both parties feel honored and respected. 

Final Thoughts 

Each type of intimacy plays a unique role in creating secure, loving relationships. While some types may matter more to you than others, nurturing multiple forms of intimacy can create deeper connections, foster trust, and bring joy into your relationships. 

What type of intimacy do you want to focus on in your relationships? Start small—one moment of connection at a time—and watch your relationships flourish.