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Category: Couples Therapy

Blogs on Couples Therapy from counselors and therapists at Arizona Relationship Institute.

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The Five Types of Intimacy

When couples come to see me for relationship counseling, they often say they’re struggling with “intimacy.” Most of the time, they mean sex. But intimacy is so much more than the sexual connection we share with a partner (or partners). It’s built through countless small moments across all kinds of relationships—romantic or otherwise. Let’s dive into the five key types of intimacy and why they’re essential (or not!) for deepening connection in your relationships.

    1. Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy is not sexual intimacy! Physical intimacy is all the ways we engage in physical touch that don’t involve or lead to sex. Think about holding hands, hugging, massages, kisses, resting a hand on the small of someone’s back, your feet touching under the table, or brushing against each other when sitting side by side. If you’re feeling disconnected in your relationship, ask yourself: How often do I touch my partner without the intention of sex? 

Touch is essential in a healthy, secure relationship. Non-sexual touch builds safety, security, trust, and connection in relationships. Cheryl Fraser, PhD, has written and researched on the importance of non-sexual touch. She teaches couples in her Become Passion classes that there are three 3 “keys to passion:” 

      1. Three-Breath Hugs: Hug your partner and breathe deeply together for three breaths. Hugs are a powerful tool for calming the vagus nerve, which helps regulate your body’s stress response. 
      2. Naked Bedtime Cuddles: Just as skin-to-skin contact is vital for newborns, it’s equally important for adults. Snuggling naked—without the expectation of sex—builds comfort and emotional safety. 
      3. Holding Hands: Something as simple as holding hands for as long as possible can strengthen your bond. 

These small acts of physical intimacy may seem insignificant, but they have a profound impact on creating a secure, connected partnership. 

 

    1. Sexual Intimacy

Sexual intimacy refers to all the ways we engage in sexual activity, including foreplay and arousal. Sex is deeply personal and varies widely from person to person. What feels like sex to one person might not feel the same to another. (Remember when a certain U.S. president claimed he “did not have sexual relations with that woman”? It made many of us stop and ask: What even counts as sex?) 

The definition of sex is something to explore together. Ask your partner questions like: 

      • “What does sex mean to you?”
      • “What do you enjoy most about sexual intimacy?”

While sexual intimacy is central for some, it’s not a necessity for everyone. Asexuality, for example, exists on its own spectrum, ranging from “sex-averse” to “sex-neutral.” Many loving, intimate relationships thrive without sexual intimacy. 

For those who want to nurture or rebuild sexual intimacy, consulting a sex therapist can be transformative. Sex therapists are trained to help individuals and couples understand and embrace their sexuality through tailored interventions, exercises, and open conversations. We work hard to stay educated on kink, BDSM, sexual minorities, non-traditional relationships, and more so we can compassionately and respectfully help our clients and meet them where they’re at. We’ve heard it all and if you think you’re going to surprise us, you’re probably not. 

    1. Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy asks: 

      • Do I feel safe sharing my feelings with my partner(s)?
      • Can I trust them with my vulnerability?
      • Am I a safe space for their emotions, too?

True emotional intimacy is reciprocal. It requires both authenticity and the willingness to hold space for one another’s feelings. In my practice, I’ve often observed that when emotional intimacy is lacking, physical and sexual intimacy suffer as well. 

To foster emotional intimacy, start by building it within yourself. This means: 

      • Recognizing and naming your emotions. 
      • Understanding the ways your body expresses those emotions. 
      • Practicing mindfulness to stay present. 
      • Journaling or seeking a trusted confidant to help you process your experiences. 

In a relationship, emotional intimacy grows through storytelling, curiosity, honesty, and shared experiences. Also, consider working together on projects, housework, volunteering, learning a new skill together, or (and maybe especially) being really terrible at something together. Whether you’re laughing at an inside joke or supporting each other during tough times, these moments weave the fabric of emotional connection. 

    1. Intellectual Intimacy

Intellectual intimacy thrives on curiosity, attentiveness, and shared excitement. It’s about being engaged in each other’s passions, even if you don’t share the same interests. Intellectual intimacy is an essential part of secure attachment in any kind of relationship – romantic, familial, platonic, etc. 

For example, one of my children, a math and computer wizard, once showed me a complex equation he’d written. While I couldn’t follow it at all, I stayed curious and celebrated his enthusiasm. His excitement became my excitement. 

This concept is what John and Julie Gottman, renowned relationship researchers, call “bids for connection.” Every time someone shares something they’re excited about, they’re offering a chance to connect. Intellectual intimacy is built when we respond to these bids with genuine curiosity and attention. 

To nurture intellectual intimacy, pay attention when your partner shares something. Ask questions, celebrate their enthusiasm, and stay present in their world, even if it’s outside your own interests. 

    1. Spiritual Intimacy

Spiritual intimacy is a bonus type of intimacy—it’s not essential for everyone, but it’s deeply meaningful for those who value spirituality or religion in their lives. It involves sharing and respecting each other’s beliefs, practices, and views on life, death, morality, and the meaning of existence. 

I’ve worked with countless people navigating relationships where spiritual beliefs differ. What I’ve seen is this: When there’s mutual respect and curiosity, spiritual intimacy can become one of the strongest bonds in a relationship. Without it, the relationship may struggle to feel truly secure. 

If spirituality is important to you, explore ways to share it with your partner. Whether it’s meditating together, discussing ethical dilemmas, or attending religious services, spiritual intimacy grows when both parties feel honored and respected. 

Final Thoughts 

Each type of intimacy plays a unique role in creating secure, loving relationships. While some types may matter more to you than others, nurturing multiple forms of intimacy can create deeper connections, foster trust, and bring joy into your relationships. 

What type of intimacy do you want to focus on in your relationships? Start small—one moment of connection at a time—and watch your relationships flourish. 

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Couples Grief Counseling: Strengthening Bonds While Grieving

Couples Grief Counseling - Strengthening Bonds While Grieving - AZRI

 

Grief Counseling For Couples in Arizona - AZRI - The Arizona Relationship Institute

Grief is an overwhelming and sneaky emotion — it’s symptoms are similar to sadness and depression, but permeates every facet of your life including parts of your life you wouldn’t normally expect. Grief can also have a significant impact on your relationships with others; with family, friends, and especially your significant other. A couple that grieves together in a positive way can achieve new heights in their relationship, while improperly grieving can cause problems or exacerbate relationship problems to a breaking point.

Grief and Loss Counseling and Therapy in Mesa Gilbert Arizona

How To Grieve In A Positive Way

Death is a natural part of life, and those who have a healthy outlook-on and acceptance-of death tend to grieve more easily, productively, and positively, than those with unresolved issues-with or a fear-of death. Allowing the symptoms of grief (sadness, intense sorrow, isolation, guilt, self-blame, etc.) to overcome you is NOT dealing with grief in a positive way.

What Are The Phases of The Grieving Process - ARZI Grief Therapy

The Grieving Process

The grieving process is the expected routine that a person will go-through after suffering an intense loss. The loss could be the death of a loved one, a pet, a close friend, or it could even be the loss of a job/opportunity, the loss of a home, or any traumatic loss. After the initial shock of the loss, a person usually goes through the stages of grief.

What Are The Stages of Grief

Therapists and professionals use a 5 or 7-stage model for the stages of grief. The 5-stage model for grief is as follows:

      1. Denial
      2. Anger
      3. Bargaining
      4. Depression
      5. Acceptance

The 7-stage model for grief is as follows:

      1. Shock and Denial
      2. Pain and Guilt
      3. Anger and Bargaining
      4. Depression
      5. The Upward Turn
      6. Reconstruction and Walkthrough
      7. Acceptance

Professional Grief Therapists tend to like the 7-phase grief model because it shows that there are 2 steps between Depression and Acceptance. These steps outline what needs to happen for depression to turn to acceptance, and for the phases to complete with closure.

There are certainly some cases of complex grief that last a lifetime, and this is primarily because the person grieving is never able to get out of their depression and reconstruct their life. For this reason, it is so important to recognize the “hidden steps” of the 7-step model of the grief process, and to do the work to turn things upward and start reconstruction and rebuilding.

How Death Grief and Loss Affects Couples - AZRI Grief Therapy

How Death, Grief, and Loss Affects Couples

Couples are 2 parts of 1 unit. They live-together and breathe-together… all experiences are shared between the couple; both the good and the bad. When grief and loss hit a couple, it hits them both very hard individually, and it hits them hard as a couple. As an individual, a person needs to go through a personal grieving process; but as a couple, there is a separate grieving process where you mourn the loss of a person and what they meant to you as a couple.

The loss of parents and friends can hit couples especially hard; and have an impact on the entire family: kids, extended family, etc. These added stresses put even more pressure on the couple, and even the those couples with iron-strong bonds can bow to the pressures.

Some couples may have needed couples therapy before grieving, simply for the marital or spousal issues they are encountering. When you add grief on top, the need for counseling and therapy becomes urgent. Too many couples wait to deal with their own intimacy problems until something dramatic and shocking wakes them up to the need for help. By then, the emotions have built up even higher.

Separating Grief Issues From Intimacy & Relationship Issues

Separating Grief Issues From Intimacy & Relationship Issues

It is difficult to try and fix 2 problems at once. It is easier to focus on just 1 problem, fix that problem, then move onto the next problem. This is how relationship problems need to be attacked: one by one, while still looking at the big picture. Whether the relationship is with a family member, a friend, or an intimate relationship, it is always important to separate the grief issues from the relationship issues.

Family Relationship Issues and Grief

Another common problem that arises after a death in a family is that familial problems that have been sitting silent for years may come back to the surface. Tensions may run high between family members, and the emotions caused by the grief can be overwhelming; family members may say or do things they regret, and arguments can start or re-start.

Family Issues After The Death of a Loved One are some of the most heartbreaking and intense emotions a human being can experience. Grief and loss are hard enough without added pressures from family, friends, or family and friends of the deceased. It is very important to work these problems out and not let them sit and fester; or else a person is in danger of becoming stuck in the “Anger and Bargaining” phase of the process of grief.

Anger Issues, Grief, and Loss

Anger and temper issues are often associated with grief, loss and death — particularly unresolved feelings and emotions associated with grief, loss and death. Again, it is so important for humans to go through all the steps of the grieving process for them to finally find closure, mental clarity, and to free themselves from guilt and other negative feelings. Those that are not able to overcome their anger, are in-turn overcome by their anger.

It is important for couples to not let their anger overcome them in the relationship. Anger must be controlled and overcome by your unconditional love for each other. Couples may need to seek couples anger therapy if they are only arguing and not making and progress in their arguments. This uncontrolled anger is like poison and needs to be bled-out, or diffused. Couples Anger Management Therapists can help couples to resolve differences enough to let-go of the anger and to start working together again.

Unresolved Loss and Grief Therapy for Individuals and Couples

Unresolved Loss and Grief Therapy for Individuals and Couples

For widows and widowers who have been working to rebuild and start a new life, the negative emotions of grief can always come back to haunt them. Starting a new relationship after the death of a significant other is a positive process, but can be sabotaged by unnecessary feelings of shame or guilt from unresolved grief.

It is so important to move-on with your life after the death of a loved one, because you HAVE TO. You are still alive and cannot just lay down and die. Couples Therapists can help you to build a new life after experiencing the greatest of losses.

Grief Therapy for Couples Individuals and Families in Arizona

Grief Therapy for Couples, Individuals, and Families in Arizona

There are so many in Arizona suffering with loss and grief. The Grief Therapists at The Arizona Relationship Institute can help you to understand your personal emotional losses, deal with the stages of guilt, and rebuild our life into a positive one after overcoming grief.

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Understanding Narcissism: Why Self-Reflection is Key to Healthier Relationships

Understanding the Narcissist Label

I can’t tell you how many people sit down in my office and say, “I’ve been reading online about narcissists, and [x] fits the textbook definition of one!” Everyone seems to know at least one or two. As your counselor, I’m an advocate for you. I’m on your team. So when you bring up that narcissist in our session, I’m going to hold so much compassion and empathy for you and what you went through with that person because your experience is important. It matters.

However, as an advocate for you, I think it’s also important to consider your own fighting styles, behaviors, and thought processes that went into the results of those outcomes, whether it be continued stress at a job from your employer, separation from a relationship that you never felt peace in, or teetering back-and-forth between inviting your parents to their grandchildren’s birthday parties or refraining from inviting them to anything ever again.

Debunking the Myths About NPD

Contrary to popular belief, if we are following the “textbook definition” of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), then it’s likely that [x] wouldn’t actually meet the clinical requirements for that diagnosis given that only 1-2% of the population actually qualifies for a clinical diagnosis, according to the American Psychiatric Association (2024).

Social media pop culture perpetuates this idea that if someone does not like you, disagrees with you, treats you disrespectfully, or constantly fights with you, then the “reason” for that is because they are grade-A narcissists, do not have it in their nature to see your point of view, nor do they care about your point of view, and you’re just an innocent bystander in the burning path of the wrath of someone who is not capable of compassion in the slightest. They’re too self-absorbed, full of themselves, and busy believing they are always right, no matter what, to lend even an ounce of empathy.

Identifying Unhealthy Communication Patterns

I’ve been in a tumultuous relationship. I can tell you, that while that relationship was not the right one for me, I also was not completely innocent. Looking back, I expressed myself in ways that I’m not proud of. I also don’t judge myself too harshly for reacting in the ways I only knew how at the time.

If you got into an argument with your partner and they yelled at you while you sat there zoning out on the couch, then I know we can all agree that yelling is not going to be the most effective in resolving whatever the conflict is. That is a vastly inappropriate way to communicate anger. That’s not how anyone deserves to be treated.Conversely, If you got into an argument with your partner and they yelled at you while you sat there on the couch and smiled at them to their face to egg them on and instigate a further escalated reaction. Which is way more subtle and covertly aggressive, but you omitted that information from others when sharing the details of the conflict. All you are doing is owning a victim mentality and ignoring your contribution to the fight, which is going to give you the same results you’ve only ever gotten.

Neither of those ways, overtly or covertly, aggressive or passive-aggressive, are healthy and effective ways to communicate negative emotions, which we all experience as human beings and are entitled to express in a safe space.

Addressing Abuse and Maintaining Boundaries

In no way, shape, or form am I or will I ever condone abuse of any type (mental, physical, or emotional). It is your responsibility to treat others with respect and care. If you are being abused or believe you might be being abused, we can get you the help you need and work with you through the traumatic experiences you’ve endured. NPD is a serious concern and will be treated as such.

The Person-Centered Approach to Therapy

As an advocate for mental health and each individual’s story, I use a person-centered therapeutic approach in sessions, which means you as the client bring what you need to the table and that I do not judge it or criticize you, but rather BELIEVE you and your story, then work as a guide or resource to support you while YOU do your own work.

Taking Accountability and Recognizing Boundaries

Judgment (for both others and ourselves) usually doesn’t work too well. Part of doing the work for all of us is recognizing and taking accountability for ourselves, including owning shortcomings and contributions to conflicts. It is perfectly healthy to have boundaries and to abide by the boundaries of others. It is also normal to view the opposing force in a negative light when conflict ensues. Their negative qualities will be emphasized because our own bodies are trained to respond to danger in order to protect ourselves.

What I will encourage is to own your piece of it, whatever that is. Everyone’s “piece” looks differently, and we as counselors are not here to judge it, we just want to help you observe it to incite the changes you need and want.

The Power of Emotionally Focused Therapy

The counselors at AZRI are trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, which is a therapeutic approach that hones in on underlying emotions and relational needs by identifying what is called a “negative communication cycle.” The negative communication cycle is represented by an infinity loop (each side of the loop is each person in the dynamic), and on the surface level, consists of behaviors and interpretations, while the deeper level is comprised of the felt emotions and attachment needs.

Being able to practice mindfulness and minimally take ownership of your side of the cycle is the first step in changing the negative feedback loop so that you can improve your relationships. The couples/individuals that are willing to practice mindfulness, take ownership of their part in the relationship distress, and move with intentionality in their communication usually come out on the other side with additional perspective, healthy, assertive communication skills, and more compassion/empathy for themselves and others.

Empowerment Through Self-Awareness

I ask that before you diagnose your ex, your mother-in-law, your boss, or your partner with NPD, try first to focus your energy on developing an awareness of the work you can do, what boundaries you need to establish to protect yourself, and communication tools that are going to serve you in the long term. That way, moving forward, you can control the change that you actually HAVE control of, and that will help you have healthier relationships with others and with yourself.

If you still land on the other person being a Narcissist, then worst-case scenario, you would have acquired some self-care strategies and tools to keep yourself safe, happy, and healthy.

Therapy for Narcissistic Personality Disorder in Arizona

The Arizona Relationship Institute in Mesa, Arizona has counselors and therapists that specialize in treating personality disorders like NPD. Start your free 15 minute consultation with AZRI to begin…

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American Psychiatric Association. (2024). What is narcissistic personality disorder?. Psychiatry.org – What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder? https://www.psychiatry.org/news-room/apa-blogs/what-is-narcissistic-personality-disorder 
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What To Consider When Scheduling Emergency Marriage Therapy

Arizona Marriage Counseling Therapists - AZRI - Arizona Relationship Institute Mesa Gilbert

 

Emergency Marriage Counseling Near Me - Arizona Relationship Institute

When a marriage goes from bad to critical, many couples need Emergency Marriage Counseling & Therapy. Emergency therapy for married couples in times of a crisis can offer one or more benefits:

    1. It gives couples a “pause” on the current fights/arguments/unhealthy behaviors. A timeout on the escalation of your emotions can keep fights from going “nuclear” (saying devastating things you can’t take back or making mistakes in the heat of the moment). This allows couples to save all that energy until later when a therapist can act as a “referee” and mediate the communication.
    2. It gives couples a neutral setting where both individuals can outline: their issues with the relationship, their goals for their life and the relationship, and all the reasons to save/end the relationship.
    3. For couples who are seriously considering a divorce, separation, or breakup, Emergency Marriage Counseling & Therapy can either help to save the relationship, or help all parties to come to terms with ending the relationship as amicably as possible.

Marriage counseling can be incredibly beneficial for you and your spouse at any phase of your marriage (from newlywed to closure therapy for ending a marriage), but there are a few things you should consider before scheduling your appointment for marriage counseling.

Marriage Therapist Near Me - Arizona Relationship Institute - AZRI

Tips For Successful Marriage Counseling Experience

Counseling and therapy can be a wonderful experience, or it can be a terrible experience — just like any other experience. In order to ensure that it is a positive experience, you must enter into therapy fully prepared for what it takes and what to expect to give. At AZRI, we strive to help all of our guest couples have a positive life experience through marriage counseling, and there are several tips that can help you to have an equally satisfactory time.

Tips for Choosing A Marriage Counselor Therapist in Arizona - AZRI

Finding the Right Marriage Counselor Therapist

A therapist needs to be the right fit for the individual, couple, or group that is attending therapy sessions. This is very true marriage counseling therapists; the couple must be a good fit for the therapist, and the therapist must be the right fit for both parties.

    • If the therapist is not right for BOTH parts of a married couple, the balance can become lopsided. One partner in the marriage may feel that the therapist and other partner are “Ganging-up” on them, or other uncomfortable symptoms of imbalance may show. It is important for the  therapist and both partners to all form 3 strong sides of a pyramid of healthy communication.
    • If one or both partners do not feel comfortable being completely open and truthful with the therapist, problems may arise. It will take time (sometimes a few minutes or a few sessions) for couples to become fully comfortable with their therapist, but it is important to choose the match that gives you the best shot at adjusting quickly. People have their own quirks, and may not feel as comfortable opening up with a male versus a female therapist, or vice-versa, for example. It is important to consider personalities, behaviors, and quirks when choosing a therapist so that you can have the best chance of success.

Male Therapists or Female Therapists - Which Is Better For Your Needs - AZRI - Arizona Relationship Institute

Male Versus Female Therapist – Which is Better for Your Needs?

Read our exclusive blog on choosing a therapist and whether a male versus a female therapist is best for your personal situation.  Click Here to read the blog >>

Types of Marriage Counselors and Therapists for Couples Counseling in Arizona - AZRI

Types of Marriage Counselors and Therapists

There are lots of different credentials and certifications for therapists and counselors, so what should you be looking-for if you want a good counselor or are looking for the best marriage therapist? You should look at both “credentials” and “areas of focus.”

Credentials — credentials are important to show that the therapist or counselor is “competent.” Credentials show that they have studied the basic required education for a level of therapy, and are not just some random person claiming an expertise without anything to back up those claims. Credentials are important in finding a legitimate counselor and therapist; however, “areas of focus” is a more important factor in deciding on a marriage counselor.

Licensed therapists credentials include:

      • Licensed professional counselors (LPCs)
      • Licensed mental health counselors (LMHCs)
      • Licensed marriage and family therapists (LMFTs)
      • Licensed clinical social workers (LCSWs)
      • Psychologists (PhDs or PsyDs)
      • Psychiatrists (MDs or DOs)

Areas of Focus — therapists and counselors all have their own specialties, or “areas of focus” that primarily work-with. Some counselors specialize in trauma or PTSD, while others focus on individuals or family counseling. Marriage and couples counselors usually focus on the complex relationships between two or more individuals in a love, sexual, or intimate relationship.

Arizona Marriage Counselors - AZRI

Many of the therapists at AZRI.org have their “areas of focus” listed right on their bio pages. These areas of focus are vast and range from childhood issues to sexual identity issues. Certain areas of focus can be a good match for couples, or can be a better fit for the unique problems a certain couple is facing. A therapist specializing-in infidelity may be a good fit for married couples facing infidelity, cheating and trust issues.

Visit the “Meet the Team” page of AZRI to browse through our currently available therapists and see their “areas of focus” for yourself. Familiarize yourself with our team, and this may help streamline the process of booking your consultation with a marriage counselor.

Choosing A Therapist - Tips for Marriage Counseling

Important Notes on Choosing A Therapist
    • Not all therapists will accept all types of insurance. The therapist conducting your therapy sessions will need to accept the type of insurance you plan to use, if you do plan to use insurance to pay for marriage counseling and therapy.
      • If you must use a certain type of insurance for payment, you must also match with a therapist that accepts that form of insurance.
    • Be mindful of therapist’s schedule. All therapists get very busy, and everyone must work to find the best times slots available for therapy sessions.
    • Be open-minded. Accept everyone’s unique personalities and perspectives.

Christian Marriage Counseling Therapists - AZRI - Arizona Relationship Institute Mesa Gilbert JPG

Christian Marriage Counseling Therapists

For those of Christian Faith, we have Christian Non-Denominational therapists, LDS therapists, and therapists of various other faiths and spiritual backgrounds. We also offer Christian Pre-Marital Therapy for engaged couples and those Christian couples who are looking to get married within the scope of their Christian creeds.

How to Schedule an Appointment for Emergency Marriage Counseling

There are many factors to consider when choosing an Emergency Marriage Counselor in Arizona, but chances are that you and your spouse want to act fast. At The Arizona Relationship Institute, we make the first step easy. Just schedule your FREE 15 Minute Consultation, and we will take care of the rest. An intake specialist will schedule your initial call and get the process moving forward.

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We Are Love

We Are Love - Relationship Tips and Advice from Donnella Lincoln - AZRI Couples Therapist

Growing up, I changed my mind about what I wanted to be a few times. My earliest career choice was as a singer/performer. Then it changed to President. Then journalist, actress, teacher and finally, counselor.

I was very active and involved in high school. I was on my school’s newspaper, the theater state board and high school board, was the school’s news anchor, on yearbook, was student teaching a 1st grade English Language Learners class, was in advanced/pre-college courses, etc. I lived and breathed school. I was also in a serious relationship.

That relationship took a lot of my energy and focus. He did not have a supportive, healthy family, had eventually dropped out of school, and did not want me to go to college. After high school, I hadn’t applied to the university I wanted to go to, and we moved in together. I became pregnant with our son and eventually dropped out of the community college I was attending to focus on working and taking care of our household. Around a year after our son was born, our situation became dangerous and, to protect our son, I ended the relationship.

So, he left. And I was left to pick up the pieces. Our circumstances were highly traumatic—but I leaned on my supports and worked hard to provide for us. We sacrificed a lot. His dad was legally obligated to help, but didn’t, and I didn’t pursue it. Our son didn’t deserve that.

I wasn’t even angry for myself. I probably should have been. I was just so heartbroken for my son. But here, I let love win. Because that’s what we needed.

I went back to school. Associate’s to Bachelor’s to Master’s. Worked multiple jobs to make ends meet. Spent time with my son, tried to balance my social life/relationships, slept where I could. Moments of sadness transformed sometimes into spirals of anger.

Somehow, I stayed living in love. It kept me from resorting to attacks, pursuing “justice”, and inviting chaos back into our lives. I was deeply hurt but recognized that my desire to “do” something other than focus on my own relationship with my son and our well-being would have been BECAUSE I was hurt. So the saying goes that “hurt people hurt people.” It wouldn’t have served a purpose. It would have clouded my judgement and blocked love in my heart.

How to Not Be Spiteful After A Bad Relationship

There are so many times, even now, where a specific Game of Thrones scene pops into my head. The Queen of Dragons, who wishes to change the world, end slavery, and protect the lives of innocent people, lets a moment of deep pain and trauma trigger her into violating her own values and beliefs—which are grounded in love. She calls upon her dragon, Dracarys, to burn a whole city filled with innocent lives in order to avenge her most trusted confidant and advisor’s murder.

Moving On After Ending A Relationship

After starting graduate school, I knew that I wanted to specialize working with relationships. Shortly after, I met the loves of my life. My son and I are now a part of a beautiful, blended family. My son now has siblings and I have a teammate. A man that loves and protects us, that is a loving partner and father. I do the work that I do because I believe in love so much. It is always there. It’s our natural state. We are all born full of love and just hoping to have that need fulfilled; we need to be connected for literal survival. We just have to allow it to show itself.

While hurt people may hurt people, hurt people may also love people. Hurt people may also heal people. We are able to break the cycles of pain and instead, move with love. You are Love. We are Love.

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Using Couples Therapy as a Marriage Coach

Using Couples Therapy as a Marriage Coach - The Arizona Relationship Institute - AZRI

 

Too many couples wait until it is too late to seek help with their relationship problems. Like any problem; the longer you ignore the problem the worse it becomes, and the harder it is to fix it. The best relationship advice a therapist can give is to work on the little problems and solve them together, before those little issues grow into bigger, unreconcilable differences.

Marriage Coach in Arizona - AZRI - Arizona Relationship Institute Mesa Gilbert

When is the Best Time to Seek Couples Therapy and Marriage Counseling?

At the earliest signs that there is an issue. When your opinion of your relationship goes from a positive view to a negative one, this is the point where a person can get mentally disillusioned. At this point it is important to ensure that both individuals are engaged in the relationships and committed to growing the relationships together.

Marriage Coach for Strengthening Relationships - The Arizona Relationship Institute - AZRI

Is it too early in the relationship to suggest couples therapy and counseling?

No, it is never too early. Yes, many couples wait until the problems become too big to ignore to seek couples therapy; but most couples take a proactive approach to their relationships and try to strengthen and grow their relationship from the early stages.

Marriage and Couples Therapy in Mesa Arizona - AZRI

Couples Therapy to Strengthen and Grow Relationships

AZRI offers Couples Therapy to Strengthen and Grow Relationships because this is the best way to build a relationship that can withstand the test of time, and not crumble under the weight of any future marital or relationship problems.

You cannot foretell what future weather disasters are going to happen where you live, so you build a strong home to withstand fire, flood, winds, and other problems that are out of your control. This is exactly how you should also build your relationship.

Marriage Coach and Marriage Counseling Arizona - AZRI

How to Build a Relationship

First, you must be ready and committed to building your relationship and doing the work that it takes to strengthen the bonds between you and your partner. Building a relationship is much like building muscle by exercise. You must strengthen the small, individual strands that make up the muscle mass – this means strengthening the small bonds between you and your partner.

Accept Small Relationship Challenges

Exercise is a test, and so are the exercises that test the bonds of relationships. Challenge yourself and your partner to endure the tougher aspects of the relationships.

Advice for Relationship Challenges - AZRI - Arizona Relationship Institute

Relationship Tests

Meeting Family — Are you nervous about meeting each others parents? Don’t avoid the test, embrace it and see it as a wonderful exercise to test your bonds. Dive into the situation together as a couple; face the challenges that come from first meetings and introductions and strive to get through the challenge as best as you (both) can as a couple.

Explore Each Others Interests — you and your partner are not going to be into the same things; you will each have your own hobbies, likes, dislikes, and activities. This is a point where weak individuals can let their partners differences get to them, or where a schism between your personalities can occur. Even if you don’t particularly like or share an interest-in your partner’s likes and hobbies, you should respect their interests and learn how to allow your partner their own personal “things” (likes, hobbies, goals, etc.)

If you and your partner’s differences in interests cause you strife or are too much to get over,” then you have just discovered a “weak point” in the relationship. This weak point can either be dealt with and fixed early in the relationship; or. if allowed to linger, it can eventually be a failure point — causing the relationship to crumble later.

Overcoming Time Apart from Your Partner — some people let their negative feelings and thoughts overcome them, when they are “alone” or without their partner for extended periods of time. Your partner is your “rock” and your support system, but it is a great test of your relationship to see how you function apart for a short period of time. Distance should make the heart grow fonder, and the time apart should strengthen your bonds.

If the time apart brings you to desire other things (goals, qualities from your partner, experiences), then this is a great point where you can together decide whether the relationship can survive these desires for change. Again, this test can discover a weak point in the relationship that can either 1.) be repaired, or 2.) cause both partners to re-evaluate their long term goals for the relationship.

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Marriage Coaching for Relationship Tests

A coach is simply someone who brings out the best in you and your actions. A Marriage coach is someone whose input and insight will help you and your partner to engage in relationship tests to bring out the best in you as a couple and in your relationship actions.

Marriage coaches can help in two ways: A.) Proactive Marital Coaching, and B.) Remedial Marital Coaching.

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Proactive Marital Coaching

A Proactive Marital Coach works on a healthy relationship, before any major relationship problems arise, with the goal of strengthening and making the relationship bonds better.

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Remedial Marital Coaching

A Remedial Marital Coach works on a relationship that is in trouble, where major relationship problems are arising, and with the coal of saving the relationship from ending.

Proactive marriage coaches can help to relieve issues between partners that may eventually evolve into relationship-ending issues. These proactive marriage coaches also help to keep the relationship in a healthy state by challenging the couples with healthy relationship tests whenever the relationship gets “stale” or if the stability of the relationship begins to waver.

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Finding Arizona Marriage Coaches

All of our Couples Therapists at AZRI are well-versed in the practices of marriage coaching. It is the overall goal for a couples therapist to strengthen all relationships — even during “Discernment Therapy” where the goal is to END a relationship on “Good Terms.” Our Arizona Marriage Coaches and Couples Therapists can help couples to sort through the noise in a relationship and discover the true underlying problems . Together with your Marriage Coach, couples either strengthen their relationships and become committed to saving the marriage, or will prove that their problems are truly irreconcilable.

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What is Discernment Therapy for Couples Counseling?

 

When couples are stuck in deciding whether or not to break-up, Discernment Counselors can offer a way to sort through the pros and cons of a decision in either direction.

What is Discernment Therapy for Couples Counseling?

Discernment Therapy is recommended for couples who are “ambivalent” about breaking up or divorcing. This means that they are unsure of whether or not they want to break up or stay together. Ambivalent couples tend to “lean-in and -out of their desire to break-up.

Couples needing discernment therapy and counseling are unsure of how to move-forward and are at a stalemate. A discernment relationship counseling can help couples to break the stalemate and move-forward with a decision confidently (whether that decision is to break-up or stay-together).

Discernment Therapy for Couples Looking to Make A Big Step Forward

Couples do not only use discernment therapy for the decision to end a relationship; couples can also discern whether or not to make a big step forward in the relationship: either getting engaged, married, having kids, or other life events.

What Are The Core Principles of Discernment Counseling?

Bill Doherty, a University of Minnesota counselor, developed the principals of Discernment Counseling as a way for couples to clarify whether or not their relationship problems can be fixed. The principals are based of 4 core questions that couples should ask each other and themselves:

      • What happened in the relationship that caused us to consider ending it?
      • What has been done to try and fix the relationship?
      • How do children factor in the the decision to end the relationship?
        • Either existing children or hopes for future children
      • What were the best best times we experienced in our relationship?

These 4 questions start the framework for looking-at the foundation of their relationship in the past, present and future. This foundation is the groundwork on-which the discernment of the relationship rests.

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Discernment Therapy Before Marriage Counseling

Often times, marriage counseling can begin with a lot of arguing and non-productive fighting and bickering. In these cases, discernment counseling BEFORE the marriage counseling can help to clear away many of the small issues that do not play a big part in the relationship, but cause a lot of arguments.

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By clearing away the  mess, and getting the couple to ask themselves if the want to continue, the couple and the counselor start marriage counseling with the ability to get directly to the core issues.

When Should You See A Discernment Counselor?

When you are thinking about ending your relationship or taking a big step forward is the best time to see a discernment counselor. A Discernment Therapist will help couples to organize their thoughts, ideas, worries and goals. This organization helps couples to confidently make decisions about moving-forward or ending a relationship.

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Separating The Decision to Save the Relationship from the Work to Save The Relationship

Not only does saving the relationship take a lot of work, but simply deciding whether or not to save the relationship is a big step. Discernment Therapy breaks it down into 2 separate phases: First, decide whether or not the relationship is worth saving. Then start building a path forward in the second phase; either a path forward together, or separately.

What Is The Difference Between Marriage Counseling and Discernment Counseling?

Couples in marriage counseling have already agreed to save their marriage. Couples in Discernment Counseling are weighing whether they want to save the marriage.

A big problem in marriage counseling is when 1 partner wants to save the marriage and the other has already decided to give up on the marriage. Marriage counseling will never be successful if the two partners have not yet agreed on whether to save the marriage — and technically,  these couples are still stuck in discernment therapy, not marriage counseling.

“Is My Marriage Worth Saving?”

The 3 Conclusions of Discernment Therapy

There are 3 conclusions, or outcomes, from discernment therapy:

      • Both partners commit to the work of couples therapy (commit to fix the problems).
      • Both partners agree to proceed with a separation.
      • The partners maintain the status quo (stay stuck in the stalemate and not commit to separating or working on the relationship)

It is important to understand that the third outcome (Maintaining the Status Quo) can be maintained for years… Like Tic-Tac-Toe, it will always end in a stalemate unless the two partners both allow the game to end.

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Discernment Counseling in Mesa, Arizona

At The Arizona Relationship Institute, Discernment Counseling is an integral part of all of our couples therapy and marriage counseling services. All couples must first decide whether or not the relationship is worth saving, and commit to saving the relationship — or no progress will be made.

Our therapists have a wide range of backgrounds, education, and specialties in their therapeutic backgrounds. Making us capable of successfully assisting with individuals, couples, and families in dealing with an equally wide range of issues.

Our integrated team of medical professionals, nutritional wellness technicians, behavioral health technicians, and nurses give us the ability to address numerous life-concerns that play a part in relationships.

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What Are The Four Horsemen of Bad Relationship Communication Habits?

 

When speaking with a relationship counselor, the therapist may mention “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” They are referring to the  4 toxic communication habits that hurt relationships — not to the biblical harbingers of doom. This article is designed to educate you about the 4 horsemen, so you understand what your counselor or therapist is talking about…

Dr. John Gottman

Dr. John Gottman studied couples and how they approach issues in their relationship in a groundbreaking study in 1984. Based on what he observed, he categorized couples into those who were able to “Master” their problems, and those whose relationships turned into “Disasters.”

Masters and Disasters of Relationships

Dr Gottman studied the communication styles of couples and was able identify 4 behaviors in the “Disasters” group that all shared:

      • Criticism
      • Defensiveness
      • Contempt
      • Stonewalling

By simply looking for these 4 communication styles, Dr Gottman was able to accurately predict (within 90%) which couples would not be able to work-out their problems, and would end their relationship in a divorce or separation.

Further, Gottman found that helping couples to intervene in these 4 negative behaviors would increase the likelihood that the problems would be worked-out and the couple would stay together. He found that these four horsemen indicated the 4 points of communication that make-or-break the relationship. Couples that master these points can overcome even the bleakest of situations. — while those that let these points overcome them, end in disaster.

Criticism Between Couples

It is important to understand the difference between a “complaint,” and a “criticism.” A complaint – is something (like an annoying behavior or action) that partner points-out to another, with the hopes of fixing it together. A criticism is usually not specific to one action or behavior that is used more as an attack than pointing-out to help fix it.

The best example that everyone can understand, is a local store that you have shopped at for a while. As time goes by and your relationship with this store changes, you might have complaints or criticisms.

EXAMPLE #1: A Company

Example of a Complaint:

Your store used to offer loyalty rewards points, where I would get my 10th cup of coffee for free. You don’t do that anymore, and I really miss it. Will you be bringing it back?

Example of a Criticism:

This store has gone downhill! Don’t you even care about your customers anymore? I much prefer the way it used to be. I hope the management gets it together soon, or I will not be shopping here anymore!

EXAMPLE #2: A Person

Example of a Complaint:

You used to come home and kiss me first thing when you got home. Now you come home and the first thing you do is unload your problems from the day on me.  That snowballs into the rest of the night being about our problems and not about us. Maybe we should try to change our first priority in the evenings, and that will help the rest of our issues.

Example of a Criticism:

You’ve changed! Your not the same person you used to be any I don’t like who you are turning into. All you care-about and focus-on is our problems. I can’t keep going on this way and I don’t want to live like this with you.

With the above examples, it is clear to see how your attitude toward the situation can how you communicate can completely change the likely outcome. There are problems in every relationship, and couples need to address those problems; but, if you choose to communicate your issues as a criticism instead of a complaint, you will likely make the problem worse.

Defensiveness Between Couples

Everyone has the right to defend themselves, but much like “Complaint VS Criticism,” there is a right way and wrong way to go about it. Interestingly enough, the First Horsemen (Criticism) also usually leads to the Second Horsemen (Defensiveness). This creates a cycle that the couple cannot seem to get out of — a criticism leads to a defense and/or a criticism back at the other.

The best way to avoid defensiveness is to avoid criticism. However, once the fight has been started, it takes 2 cool heads to prevail, and both need to back down from their positions atop the first two horsemen. Otherwise, it will continue on its cycle between the two until one or both unleash the Third Horseman: Contempt.

Contempt Between Couples

This is a scary place for people to reach — and often the point where couples reach out to a Couples Therapist. The definition of “Contempt” says it all…

“Contempt: the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.”

Contempt is actually a natural reaction when we feel we have been attacked. It not a good feeling or a positive reaction, but it is a natural defense mechanism, nonetheless.

Contempt for our partners and the ones we care-for is not good, however. And the situation needs to be dismantled just like a ticking time bomb — before it dismantles the relationship.

When couples have contempt for one another, the criticisms and attacks continue. You will often hear couples say things like, “He/she doesn’t care about me anyway so I am doing what I need to do  focusing on myself, and doing what makes me happy.”  – This statement is stuffed full of criticism, defensiveness, attack AND places the partner as worthless and beneath their happiness.

The best way to avoid contempt in a relationship is to once-again avoid the first horseman: Criticism. Work on the problems at their roots — don’t wait until the blossom into a thorny bush, deeply anchored.

Stonewalling Between Couples

At this point the arguments and relationship is almost not salvageable. Stonewalling is when a person “shuts down” and refuses to acknowledge the situation or respond. They sit there, like a stone wall, and let words just bounce right off of them. Again, this is another natural defense mechanism — that the body triggers to avoid further stress on the body and mind.

Stonewalling happens in the short-term and the long-term. During an argument or an intense conversation, a person might shut down temporarily to avoid furthering the argument. However, stonewalling can happen in the long-term as well. This is when huge problems are living just below surface of the relationship, but one or both partners refuse to acknowledge them or bring them up again. The problems have not been addressed or solved, but hidden away while to couple keeps living day-to-day.

Why Do Some People Refuse to Believe Their Partner is Cheating on them?

An example of long-term stonewalling is when 1 partner is cheating, or having multiple affairs, and the other partner refuses to believe it or refuses to address the problem — hoping that the relationship can be saved and go on by pretending the problems don’t exist. This refusal to believe their partner is cheating is simply them stonewalling themselves.

Avoiding the Four Horsemen of Relationship Problems

As we have said multiple times in this article — the best way to avoid any and all of the 4 horsemen is to avoid the first horsemen: Criticism. Criticism in a relationship is like poison. This is easier-said-than-done, however. And this is why we strongly recommend couples therapy when couples get into problems that they cannot work out themselves. Most often, it is the four horsemen that are making their issues “unresolvable.” Therapists are trained to look for these negative behaviors and communication styles, and can help both partners to learn what they are and learn how to avoid them.

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How Faith-Based Couples Therapy Can Help Your Relationship

 

How Faith-Based Couples Therapy Can Help Your Relationship

The benefits of faith-based couples therapy are miraculous, and it is no wonder that the institution of marriage has its roots in a number of different religions. Whether Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Atheist, or Agnostic, every soul on earth can benefit from couples therapy that draws from faith and spirituality.

All couples are invited to bring their own beliefs and spiritual ideas to to a faith-based couples therapy session; the point is not to press religious teachings or values on a person, but rather to educate couples on what different faiths say about relationships and relationship problems.

Faith-Based Couples Counseling Offers Thousands Of Years of Experience

Religious scriptures (like the Bible, The Talmud, or Quran) are the main source of what we know about the lives of people who lived hundreds or thousands of years ago.  These books tell parables and stories about problems that people faced throughout history, including marital issues, infertility issues, jealousy issues, cheating spouses, and betrayal.

Nothing New Under The Sun

“Nothing New Under the Sun” is a phrase that simply means anything a person can think or do as already been done by another human being before them. Even though it feels like we are the first and only ones to experience our problems in love and loss, every aspect of every possible relationship has already happened to someone before.

So, when it comes to your own situation, it helps to recognize there is nothing new under the sun, and another relationship has experienced the exact same issues as yours. This is a good thing — this means that a solution and process to get you to that solution has already been invented. These processes are called faith-based couples counseling techniques.

Faith-Based Couples Counseling for Grief and Loss

We often turn to faith and spirituality in times of grief and loss, because grief transcends our daily understanding of the world. Grief reminds us of the fragility of life, and how quickly it can be lost.

When a person has lost someone close to them — through death, mental illness, or through separation — it hurts. The pain is mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual. This pain and trauma must be treated mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Those who heal physically and mentally, but fail to heal spiritually, may leave an open wound that causes pain or negative issues later in life.

Helping to bring spiritual closure to people in times of extreme grief is the main job of a Faith Based Couples Counselor.

Faith-Based Couples Counseling for Life Changing Events

There are a lot of life changing events that come throughout the phases of life. Remember, there is nothing new under the sun, and someone else has been through the exact situation before. Therefore, we can learn valuable lessons from those who came before us.

    • Birth of a First Child
    • Growing Family
    • Relationship Issues With In-Laws
    • Relationship and Money Issues
    • A Family’s Big Move
    • Changing a Job or Career Path
    • Kids Moving Away
    • Divorce or Separation
    • Transitioning to Retirement
    • Death or Loss

For all of the above situations, there are also stories of spiritual guidance from our ancestors. Many written years ago, some written more recently, but all timeless in their validity to relationships.

Faith-Based Couples Counseling for Interfaith Couples

We all have different beliefs and creeds, which is a beautiful freedom that allows us to live our lives in a way that makes sense to us, and brings us fulfilment.

Even those of us in the closest of relationships will have different ideas and beliefs when it comes to spirituality and philosophy; but, it is important to not let these differences drive a wedge between us. That wedge will grow and separate close couples before they even realize what is happening.

When couples have a hard time dealing with life changing events, the spiritual differences may be too much to bear, and could prove to be the proverbial ‘straw that breaks the camel’s back.’ These couples desperately need the help of Interfaith Couples Counseling.

Interfaith Couples Counseling is provided by a therapist that helps both individuals in the relationship to sort through religious differences and differences of faith and practice (as they relate to the couple’s relationship and surrounding issues).

How The Arizona Relationship Institute Helps Couples with Faith-Based Therapy

At AZRI, we specialize in relationship therapy and the complex issues surrounding couples and their lives together. Faith, spirituality, religious upbringing, social customs, and practices play a much larger part in our lives than we realize — especially in relationships and marriages.

Our therapists are all from diverse backgrounds and spiritual beliefs, and have a wealth of education and experience that allows us to help couples with a wide range of issues and concerns. As the saying goes. “There’s nothing new under the sun…” Let us help you to understand how that saying can help you and your significant other.

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How To Deal with Jealousy in a Relationship

 

How To Deal with Jealousy in a Relationship

Jealousy can be one of the biggest issues and tests in an intimate relationship. One person’s jealousy can put strain on a relationship, just as the other person’s reaction to the jealousy can cause further issues. These issues of jealousy often cause one or both partners to question the foundation of their relationship and seek counseling for jealousy issues.

What is Jealousy?

There are 3 common “definitions” or meanings for the word “Jealousy.”

    1.  “hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage” (ENVY)
    2.  “intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness” / “disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness” (RELATIONSHIPS)
    3.  “vigilant in guarding a possession” (SAFE IN ASSUMPTION / GUARD)

SOURCE: Merriam-Webster Definitions for The Word Jealous

What Does the Bible Say About Jealousy?

The bible speaks more on “Envy” than “Jealousy”, that is to say the first definition for the word jealousy. The bible calls “Envy” a mortal sin because it causes hostility and rivalry. Envy is considered a reaction a person has to another person’s possessions, family, or perceived advantages.

See Another: Resource on “Jealousy in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints”

Why is The Bible Important When Talking About Jealousy?

We mention the biblical definitions of jealousy and the 3 different definitions for a very good reason… there are 3 different types of jealousy and the circumstances around them differ greatly. When speaking about jealousy in a relationship, one must speak about the traditional views on monogamy, which are also rooted in biblical tradition.

Is There A Good Kind of Jealousy?

Merriam-Webster’s 3rd Definition for “Jealousy” is about as close to a “Good” kind of jealousy as you can get.  This version of the word was much more common in past centuries, but can still be understood today by the quote by Scott Buchanan – “…new colonies were jealous of their new independence.”

The above quote give a “justification” for jealousy, and is more likened to the word “Prideful” — though, in the use of the word like this, a strong defense (of the possession / object of desire and jealousy) is implied.

Misunderstanding of the Definition of Jealousy Itself Causes Relationship Issues

Which of the 3 definitions do you think of when you hear the word “Jealousy?” This varies drastically between different people, and the most confusion lies between 1 person who believes their jealousy is “Good Jealousy” (Definition #3, prideful and ready to defend your possessions, family, object of jealousy), and another person who believes the jealousy to be more of definition 1 or 2 (not valiant, but envious or overly suspicious).

With this simple misunderstanding or miscommunication on how one defines their own (Jealous) actions, 2 people can quickly feel like they don’t understand each other.

Just Because One Person Believes Their (Jealous) Actions Are Valiant or Warranted, Does Not Mean They Truly Are

1 single person can also misunderstand their own jealousy, believing they are being noble, valiant, sticking up for the relationship and their partner, and still be acting out feelings of hostility and (bad) jealousy. Humans are complex emotional machines, with lots of quirks like this.

Insecurity and Jealousy

Jealousy that stems from your own insecurity or lack of self confidence is an example of the most negative forms of jealousy. The problem does not lie in your partner or perceived threats from others, but the problem lives inside you. Until you face the problem and fix it inside yourself, this type of jealousy is like a poison that will rot away at your own sanity and happiness until it ruins the relationship as well.

How to Overcome Insecurity and Jealousy

Insecurity can be overcome, and you can be confident and happy. At this point, jealousy issues seem to dissolve away, because they no longer matter. The only problem is that it is a problem that lives inside you and only you can take the steps to fix it. Many cannot get themselves going toward building their own confidents, and end up stuck in a rut. Working with a therapist can help you to build confidence and sort through the issues that accompany lack of confidence and insecurity.

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Don’t Let an Impasse With Jealousy Ruin The Relationship

“Irreconcilable Differences” is the leading cause of divorce and relationships ending. It means that the two parties were simply not able to get over their differences or miscommunications, to the point where the relationship needs to be ended.

All too often, couples are eager to give-up and call something  “Irreconcilable,” without seeking to understand more about why the problem exists or persists. Some problems NEED a counselor or relationship therapist to intervene and help to rectify. Jealousy issues are the perfect example of marital and relationship problems that require counseling.

Jealousy Treatment from Relationship Therapists

A relationship in the midst of jealousy problems is an urgent case for relationship therapists. Jealousy issues push couples quickly toward frustration and extreme pressures that put the relationship to the test.

It is important that couples — that truly want to save their relationship — seek help from a counselor or therapist for jealousy issues before it is too late.

Jealousy Issues and Relationship Counseling and The Arizona Relationship Institute (AZRI)

At AZRI, we employ therapists with a wide range of personal, educational, and professional backgrounds. Our caring therapists and staff are as diverse as those individuals, couples, and families who come to us and trust us for their counseling and therapy needs.

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