It often seems that many people feel more honor bound by certain rules and protocol of engagement when fighting a war than they feel regarding any protocols for love. We debate the ethical treatment of enemy combatants, yet the very people we profess to love the most, are often discarded recklessly and traded for “better options.” Broken bones may be more visible, but few things are as painful as a broken heart.
Even the most decent and ethical people aren’t above disregarding any sense of civility or respect for their “ex” when it comes to the breakup and thereafter. Is all fair in love and war, or is it possible to break up with integrity and class? I would like to make an argument for the latter.
I am certainly not suggesting that people marry or stay with people who they do not love or who are mistreating them in anyway. Nor am I even making any judgment about a person deciding to end a relationship. Of course, there are situations in which ending the relationship is best for everyone involved. I am merely exploring the idea that perhaps it is possible to break someone’s heart. This being done while maintaining our own integrity, honoring what we shared with that person during the course of our relationship, and demonstrating respect for the rejected loved one’s feelings.
It is never easy to deal with the fact that someone whom you love no longer wants to be with you. However, the healing process for the person being left behind is greatly impacted by the way in which the person leaving handles the process of breaking up. For example, breaking up over a text message or calling your partner on the phone while he or she is on their way to work is NOT, I repeat, NOT a respectful way to end a relationship if you value that person at all. You do not have to stay with your partner, but if you have even an ounce of caring for your soon-to-be ex, you can at least attempt to handle the break up in a manner that will assist that person is moving forward with life. Assuming that you really did care at some point about the person you are breaking up with and assuming that this person has not betrayed your trust or hurt you in anyway, the least that you can do is to break things off in a manner that is respectful. So what would it look like to break up with someone in a way that preserves that person’s dignity and self-esteem as you break their heart? Let me offer some possible guidelines for “breaking up with class.”
If after having made a commitment to someone, you find yourself unable to continue with the relationship, I believe that these guidelines will help minimize the damage to your own integrity and the other person’s feelings as well as optimize the ability of you both to move forward with your lives.
ONE: Break up in person (not the phone, text, or email)
TWO: Do not break up with someone right before they are going to work
THREE: Do not break up with someone on a significant day (a holiday or birthday)
FOUR: Do not date your ex’s close friends (shame on the friend who would date your ex)
FIVE: Do not make up a reason for the breakup: to be honest but with candor
SIX: Take your time in committing to a new relationship (for your sake as well)
NUMBERS ONE THROUGH FOUR: Are pretty self-explanatory, but unfortunately many people fail to follow these guidelines due to their own cowardice or their inability to tolerate their own feelings or distress. They often blurt out their feelings without considering what the impact of what they are saying will have on the other person.
NUMBER FIVE: Far too often, people break-up with their significant other and give a false reason for the break up. Sometimes a false reason is given out of the misguided belief that it will protect the other person’s feelings. The biggest reason why people give false reasons is to spare themselves from having to tolerate seeing the other person hurt or angry. They may also want to avoid feeling guilty. Although it requires more courage, it demonstrates more integrity to honestly explain your reasons for the break up. Doing so will help the other person to make sense of what went wrong with the relationship and offers that person a greater chance to make peace with moving on. It is not your job to help your ex heal from your break up, but it is certainly more mature and more honorable to leave the person with a sense of your perspective. This offers your ex an opportunity to draw upon your view about the relationship as she takes responsibility for her own healing. Use candor: honesty doesn’t mean cruelty. Don’t criticize the person, but instead point out dynamics in the relationship that didn’t work for you. Own your feelings and reasons for the break up. The use of “I” messages can help. For instance, “I’ve realized that I need to be with someone who deals with conflict more directly,” or “I have felt for a long time that you don’t stand up for me, when your family is rude to me, and I don’t think that this will ever change.” Take responsibility for identifying the ways in which the relationship no longer works for you.
NUMBER SIX: For your own sake, as well as for the sake of your forsaken partner, don’t rush into a new relationship (especially marriage) right after a break up. Taking your time before committing to a new relationship does not mean that you shouldn’t begin dating. It does mean that you should take time before getting serious and committing to an exclusive relationship, especially marriage. You are much less likely to break hearts (including your own) if you refrain from rushing into a commitment prior to actually knowing who you are committing to.
Before committing to a new relationship, you should experience being with the new person in a variety of settings and know that person for at least three months. We now know that within at least the first three months of a relationship, the brain chemistry of two people who are romantically attracted to one another is similar to that of someone who is high on cocaine. You should no more make a commitment to marry within the first three months of knowing a person that you should make a commitment to anything serious when you are high. This is not to say that this psychological response of falling in love ends after three months. Some researchers suggest that it is only after two years that the brain chemistry does not interfere with our ability to view our romantic partner’s flaws honestly. Perhaps that is where the saying, “Go into marriage with your eyes wide open and stay in the marriage with your eyes half closed” comes from.
A word of caution about relationships that have begun out of infidelity: they often end in infidelity. The partners in these relationships are often shocked that their partner would cheat on them, but history has a sad way of repeating itself. If you and your partner did not have the emotional maturity and ethical restraint to refrain from beginning a new relationship prior to ending an ongoing relationship, you are kidding yourself to believe that the two of you will never deal with issues of jealousy, flirting with others, and other boundary issues, even if you never actually breach the fidelity of the new relationship.
If your current relationship began out of infidelity to your prior relationship, get to therapy now if you want this new relationship to succeed. Take advantage of the momentum you are now enjoying in the early stages of your relationship and work on creating healthier relationship patterns so that you won’t have to repeat the past.
I am a firm believer that when we act with integrity, we not only benefit others but also we personally benefit. The inverse is also true: you cannot hurt others without also damaging your personal integrity to some degree, even if the pain you caused was out of ignorance or negligence. So when it’s time to say good-bye, remember all that the person you are leaving has added to your life and honor their humanity by treating them humanely. Leave them if you must, but at least try to leave them with their dignity intact.
