If you ask most parents about what it was like the first time they left their toddler at daycare or with a babysitter whom their child did not know well, they will tell you that it was not easy. They will probably describe their child’s response to their departure as consisting of crying, clinging, screaming or some combination of these behaviors. Developmental psychologist, John Bowlby, refers to this behavior seen in babies and young children as “separation protest.” Around nine months of age, children tend to develop a solid sense of who the people are in their life. They seem to identify those with whom they can trust to provide them with consistent warmth, reassurance and care. These people are the child’s attachment figures; they are the people to whom the child is securely attached.
We continue to form attachments to people throughout our life. The most significant attachment figure for an adult is ideally their spouse. Couples in romantic relationships form attachments to each other, similar to the attachment bond formed between children and their parents. The same patterns of interaction and responses seen between parents and their children are also seen between couples. The quality of the interaction and the particular responses demonstrated are usually predicted upon the quality of the attachment bond: that is, whether the bond is secure or insecure.
Children who are securely attached to their parents, may initially protest being separated from them, but resume playing or being otherwise occupied once the parents leave. Securely attached children will also greet their parents warmly and happily when they return. In contrast, children who are insecurely attached to their parents respond with very different behaviors.
When parents are inconsistent in their ability to respond with warmth and accurately identify and meet their children’s needs, those children tend to continue being distressed long after the parent had left and are unable to resume play. When their parent returns, these children usually vacillate between clinging to the caregiver and ignoring or showing anger at the parent.
These children are confused. They want to trust their parent, but they are not sure they can. They therefore go back and forth between clinging to the parent to keep the parent close, and distancing themselves from the parent to shield them from the pain they anticipate once the parent is inevitably unavailable. This pattern describes children with an anxious ambivalent attachment to the parent. These children have learned that the parent can not be trusted to consistently be available. Even though the parent may be physically present, he or she may be emotionally unavailable to the child and therefore misinterpret or fail to acknowledge the child’s attempts to get his or her attention. Children who have an anxious ambivalent attachment to their parents therefore demonstrate a confusing set of behaviors that demand the parent’s attention: “Come here! I need you!” and behaviors that refuse the parent’s attempt to be close “Go away. I don’t need you.”
Although these children desperately desire their parent to be close and responsive, they are afraid to trust their parent’s attempt to do so because the parent’s behavior is so inconsistent. They then protect themselves from accepting when their parent does attempt to nurture them, these children often protect themselves from accepting that nurturance because of their fear: fear that they will be enjoying this closeness to the parent, only to feel abandoned again when the parent is unable to deliver the next time they need them.
The other most prevalent type of insecure attachment is termed “avoidant attachment.” Children who have developed an avoidant attachment to their parents demonstrate no distress at all at the parent’s departure. They usually ignore the parent prior to the departure or may even stiffen up their bodies in resistance to receiving a hug from the departing parent. When the parent returns, these children are as uninterested in connecting with the parent as they were when the parent left.
Children who securely attached have developed a bond of trust between themselves and their parents. Due to the consistent warm responses of the parents, their children have come to trust that they can depend on them to be there when they need them. This trust in their parents allows securely attached children to explore the world confidently. They use their parents as a secure base to return to in the event that they become scared, overwhelmed or upset in any way. They return to the parents for comfort, protection, safety, reassurance, and love. They take in this cocktail of warmth and responsiveness and are then ready to return to their play- their wounds having been cared for, their fears called and their confidence renewed.
For securely attached children, their relationship with their parents is their “safe haven” from the stresses of the world. They feel more confident to take on challenges because they know that if they get in an unsafe situation or take on more of a challenge then they really can handle, their parent will be there to alert them any dangers, assist them in finding alternative solutions to meeting the challenge and offer support in matters where they are unable to accomplish the task alone. They feel confident in their own abilities to make it to make it in the world on their own, even if the parent is not right there by their side, because they have confidence that there is nothing they can not accomplish without the parent’s help if they need it.
So what does this have to do with couple relationships? Take a look again at the descriptions and replace the words “parent” and “children,” with “partners.” Then reread the description of attachment behaviors and asks yourself if you have seen any of these same patterns in couple relationships. Researchers have confirmed that these same attachment patterns we see between parents and their children also exist between partners in romantic relationships. A secure attachment bond, whether it be between parent and child or partners in a couple relationship, provides a foundation from which the children or couples draw a sense of confidence that allows them to successfully meet challenges in their lives.
Children who securely attached to their parents, and partners who are securely attached to each other, enjoy greater emotional, psychological and even physical health than their insecurely attached peers. There is no greater gift than the blessing of knowing you are loved by and safe with the person upon whom you depend above all others in your life.
