The desire to feel a sense of belonging or a sense of “home” is an instinctual desire within all of us. The holidays tend to bring this yearning to a peak. This underlies the reason why so many people look forward to the holidays and why so many others dread the holidays. The extent to which we feel we have a “home” to go to –somewhere we belong during the holidays- may influence how much we look forward to the holidays. Being “home” for the holidays reminds us of cherished times as, as well as filling us with anticipation of creating new experiences with that same great feeling of belonging. There is great comfort that comes from being able to be “home” during the holidays. For those who do not feel that they belong or those who have lost the place where they once belonged, the holidays can intensify their loneliness and unmet yearnings to have a place they call “home.” Some may be haunted by happier days past when they did have a home. Others may ache from never knowing the joy of coming home that they see in the eyes of others.  

 A true home for the holidays does not require a large group of people nor do those people need to be related by blood or legal commitments. The feeling of “home” is created anytime at least two people have made room in their hearts for one another. Home is loved ones creating a sanctuary for each other. It is a place where we can turn to the people who matter most to us during the times that matter most to us.  

Traditions help to create a home. Grandma’s pumpkin pie recipe, opening pajamas on Christmas Eve, lighting candles to mark the days of Chanukah, counting down to ring in the New Year: each of  these traditions have different meanings to all of us depending on our experiences and the ways that our families have celebrated these holidays. The smells, sounds, and sights of the holidays all have a unique blend of memories associated with them for each of us. When “it just doesn’t feel like the holidays” to us, it is usually because there is something missing. There are certain cues that have been consistently present throughout the years specific to that holiday. The combination of all these cues make it “feel like” that holiday. When certain associated cues are missing. “it just doesn’t feel like” that holiday. These cues are embedded in our traditions. Our traditions, therefore, serve the function of helping us remember the past and connect these memories to the present.  

 When a couple enters into a relationship, they create traditions together that help to create their unique sense of “home.” Traditions may be developed out of the couple’s conscious efforts. Or they may evolve out of a desire to preserve a memory that occurred without any particular planning. It is important for couples, and the families they create together, to recognize and establish traditions that are meaningful to them as a way of creating and sustaining their “home.” Traditions enhance our enjoyment of our home during the holidays by triggering memories and feelings associated with pleasant memories of the past. By eliciting these positive memories and associated feelings, hearts that have become hardened are more easily softened. People who had begun to turn away from each other are more likely to regain the desire to try to turn toward each other instead. The memories of better times past are conjured as our senses are overwhelmed with the associated cues of meaningful holidays we have enjoyed with our loved ones. The scent of cinnamon and pine, the Christmas ornaments from “our first Christmas together,” the familiar songs that are sung only at this time of year, all of these cues flood our brains with a symphony of memories that remind us how it felt to belong and to truly be “home for the holidays.” The desire to return “home” is heightened, as is the desire to let go of whatever it was that may be keeping us from doing so. Whether or not we choose to reconcile with estranged loved ones or to remain rigid in our isolation from them is up to us. Sometimes, the only way to find our way home is to accept that the home from which we came no longer exists and that attempts to return there are futile. In accepting this, however, we must also accept responsibility for beginning anew and creating a new home according to what we want and need.  

 There are those for whom a sense of “home” was never created for them by their parents. For various reasons their parents were either unwilling or unable to create this safe sense of belonging for them. However, regardless of our past, a determined and willing soul will usually find a way to create the home for which they have always longed. Remember, “home” is created when at least two people make a place for each other in their hearts. It requires patience and tenderness. It is usually developed over time, especially when it is being built from scratch or extensive renovations are required. The key ingredient is a continued willingness to open one’s heart to the possibility of giving and receiving love. Although it may not be the home we envisioned initially, as long as we remain firm in our resolve to create the home we desire and refuse to close ourselves off to love despite any pain we may suffer along the way, eventually, even the loneliest of us will find our way home. Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, and Happy New Year to you all. May this be the year you find your way “home.”