For example, a relationship characterized by passion and friendship, would be predominately a relationship of romantic love.
One of my favorite answers to the age old question has been offered by the psychologist Robert Sternberg in his triangular theory of love. He asserts that there are different types of love (e.g. parent-child love, romantic love, companionate love) and that each type of love is distinct from the other due to varying degrees of three distinct aspects of love, These three aspects of love are what Sternberg refers to as compromising the love triangle; Passion (sexual attraction), Friendship (genuinely liking, enjoying, and concern for the person’s well-being) and Commitment.
A long term, loyal friendship would be characterized by a love composed of friendship and commitment but devoid of sexual passion. Passion with commitment, but not friendship is said by Sternberg to be a “fatuous” love; that is, the persons involved have made a commitment prior to taking the time to develop their connection to one another as friends.
Sternberg describes the love that is established on a foundation of equal measures of passion, friendship, and commitment as “consummate love”. Consummate love does not mean that there is not conflict or differences of opinion. It means that despite the challenges that life may throw at a couple, they are committed to finding a solution that works well for the two of them. The friendship they feel for one another will not allow them to take a course of action that would intentionally hurt their loved one or in anyway, diminish that person’s dignity or dreams. The passion they feel for one another is something they view as a gift that they share with each other rather than en entitlement. There is a deep respect for the loved one as an individual separate from one’s self, as well as a deep respect for the commitment they each have made to nurture their relationship.
Sound idealist or Pollyannaish? It isn’t. It is rare, but I’ve seen it in action. It requires the following: 1) humility (willingness to admit you are wrong & gratitude for your loved one), 2) flexibility (willingness and ability to create a shared vision for the future), and 3) healthy emotional boundaries (genuine respect for self and your loved one as well as the skills to effectively demonstrate that respect).
Consummate love requires much of each partner in order to attain it, but it’s also a great gift and a blessing: no one, no matter how hard they might work on their relationship, can develop this kind of love on their own. It takes two people committed to improving themselves and giving of themselves to their partner. If you are lucky enough to have a partner willing to engage in the journey of creating such a love, be grateful and bask in the joy of how blessed you are. Recommit each day to one another and to yourself to live your life in a manner that will perpetuate the development of this love…this is the only way of sustaining it over a lifetime.
Romantic Date Idea: Make a candlelight dinner for two at home. Cook your loved one’s favorite dinner (or order take out if you must) and dine while listening to a custom made soundtrack of music that reminds you of the person you love.
