I remember the first time I held my son. A wave of love rushed over me, one like I had never felt before. This love carried me through the terrible twos, trying threes and the terrifying fours. Once we were over those developmental humps, I started to develop a real relationship with my son. Not a relationship that only consisted of me being able to produce fruit snacks at a moment’s notice. We had become real pals. We talked, listened to music, sang in the car together, laughed and attended sporting events together. I felt like…dare I say we became friends.

Dealing with Rude Teenagers

Then it happened. The teen age years. Now to be completely honest this didn’t just happen overnight, there were signs. The preteen years, or as I like to refer to them as the beginning of the end. As a parent you begin to see some moodiness but usually can explain it away with; it’s their changing bodies, being tired, or hungry. Perhaps I was slacking on my fruit snack skills. Those little blips in my sons – usually charming personality – were becoming more and more the norm until the moodiness, rudeness, and eye rolling consumed our every interaction.

My heart sank. The once precious, fun, loving child who I loved spending time with had become someone I did not even want to be around.

How Can I Change My Teen’s Behavior?

I had to make a plan of action. I had to engage this child – sorry teen – and keep him talking. Even though this was not what he wanted, and I wasn’t completely sure it was what I wanted either.

So I set forth to make him like me again. I would listen to his music. I would make him talk to me. I mean I knew I was a cool mom, I just needed to remind him. Every bid for attention was met with eye rolls, slammed doors, and sometime not very nice words.

I was devastated to say the least. The love of my life the one who thought the sun and moon rose and set with me, the one who would beg for my attention – especially when I was one the phone – no longer wanted me.

How Do You Discipline a Teenager that Doesn’t Care?

I found myself deeply saddened by the change in our relationship. I was positive that our bond and friendship that had been nurtured since day one would carry us through the teenage years, but it didn’t. What had I done wrong? Where had all the parenting books failed me? Was I not worthy of being one of those moms who posted smiling or funny face pictures with their teen? You know the kind of picture that assures you that their relationship is perfect, and there is no yelling or rolling of eyes in their house.

Disciplining a Defiant Teenager

So what was I going to do? How was I going to salvage this relationship and my sanity. I did have an ace in my pocket. Thinking back to my – what seemed like endless – hours in school I remembered a class called child development. I also recalled this class went into the teenage years. Looking back over the literature it assured me that my teens pulling away and trying to assert their independence was a normal part of their childhood development. Not only was it normal it was also healthy. These teenage years were much like those very early years, where my son would move away from me but would look back for a check in or run back into my arms because I was his secure base.

Challenges of Parenting a Teenager

The difference? When he was little, he offered a sweet smile with the check in or ran back into my arms when he needed reassurance he was safe. Now I may only receive the occasional quick conversation or even better the blow up of emotions that typically left me feeling overwhelmed and battered.

What Parents of Teens Need to Know

The teenager just like the toddler needs to know they can explore their world but will always have a safe place to fall. A place where they will feel understood and loved.

In my work with teens, they would often say to me, “I could never talk to my parents about this because they won’t just listen.” So why with all this knowledge and life experience was I unable to get my own teen to speak to me.

Because… it was me… I was mom. The mom who felt – no believed with every fiber of my being – that every moment I had with my son was a moment where I needed to share my wisdom with him. If my son even hinted about relationship issues, wasn’t my duty as a mother and a therapist to cram down his throat everything I knew about red flags and healthy communication?

Well ethical obligation or not this was exactly what I had been doing to my son. Even though it was the exact opposite of what he needed want.

Family Counseling for Teens and Parents in Phoenix, AZFamily Counseling for Teens and Parents in Phoenix, AZ

Changing Parenting Styles

So armed with this new information I set out to change the way I interacted with my son.

I no longer chased him down to see how his day went. I started to wait for him to come to me. And I waited, and waited, and waited. And guess what it happened? He came to me. Now it usually occurred when I was cooking dinner, reading a book, or driving. In other words when I was busy with something else. Excited as I was, I did not drop everything I was doing to turn all my attend to him. Instead, I would continue what I was doing and listen to what he was telling me. That it the KEY, but also the hardest part. No matter what he said I JUST LISTENED, I didn’t ask to many questions and I did not give any of my advice. Even when asked, I would throw the question back and provide him the space to talk out his ideas and feelings. I gave him as much time as he needed to talk and he did… he talked. He talked and talked and kept talking.

Trust me this had to have been the hardest exercise in self-control I have ever experienced. Mainly because I knew if I imparted my vast knowledge upon him, he would never have to feel the pains of first loves and friendships gone wrong. But those were lessons he needed to learn. I needed to learn to just listen.

Parental Boundaries and Questioning Your Teens

Now does that mean I never asked any questions, discussed expectations or life lessons? No it does not. There were times where the stakes were to high and the consequences would have been to big. At these times I did step in. But since this was no longer the norm, I could handle the eye rolls during these discussions and he could handle listening to my advice – which he will one day appreciate, I am sure.

So what did I learn? I learned to listen without expectations, without judgment, but instead with understanding and most importantly LOVE.

Help for Parents & Family Therapy in Phoenix, Arizona

The Arizona Relationship Institute works with families to overcome numerous family problems through family counseling, group therapy and individual therapy.