One thing we can count on in this life is that, despite our best efforts, we will hurt the ones we love and they will hurt us. Most of this hurt will be unintentional, but painful nonetheless. We all have things to learn, and we make mistakes. Therefore, heavy doses of patience and forgiveness are required for any relationship to survive and thrive long-term.
We often think of forgiveness as freeing the person who is being forgiven. However, it is not only the person being forgiven, but also the person who forgives that is freed. When we forgive others, we free ourselves from the pain and disappointment of the past and allow ourselves to move forward toward a better future. We free ourselves from the burden of bitterness, resentment, and contempt. We free ourselves from allowing our pain to define us or to dictate our future. We can be whole again.
Each one of us has only a limited amount of time and emotional resources. Forgiveness makes it possible for us to devote our time and emotional resources, as well as all our other resources (financial, spiritual, intellectual) toward creating the present and future we desire. The inability to forgive wastes our limited and valuable resources on ruminations about the past and how we wish things had been different. We waste our emotional energy on wishing the person who wronged us would suffer to pay for how deeply they have hurt us.
This is not to say that we should ignore the pain we are feeling or pretend that we are not hurting. I am not advocating that we pretend like the wrong was not committed or that we never try to understand how it happened. We must make some meaning of our experiences in order to move forward in peace. However, we can and must learn from the past without remaining in it.
This is accomplished by 1) acknowledging how we wish things could have been different, 2) acknowledging the pain that we have felt because of how things didn’t turn out the way we had hoped they would, 3) accepting that things are as they are, and 4) ultimately refusing to believe that a painful past inevitably means a painful present or future. We must refuse to be defined by our pain and channel all of our resources and efforts toward living a fulfilling life from this point forward.
Relationships are only as strong as they parties’ ability to forgive. Many relationships end because one or both parties are not able to forgive. Other relationships may not end, but are permanently altered due to the severity of the break in trust. In this case, people may continue to love and care for one another, but are unable to fully trust in the way that they had prior to the fateful break in trust.
There are relationships in which the person who has hurt their loved one is able to patiently re-earn the trust of the person who is hurting. This regaining of trust is accomplished with great efforts on the part of both partners, and it requires the patience of both. However, when two people are able to muster the courage and strength necessary to rebuild the trust, they often emerge from the process more deeply bonded to one another and more appreciative of each other and their relationship than they have ever been before.
Forgiveness and the regaining of trust are processes that are intimately intertwined in a dance between partners who are trying to heal. These processes ebb and flow over time. Healing does not occur as a steady progression without any setbacks. The process is more similar to the manner in which the ocean tide rises upon the shore. With each wave, the water progresses further toward its ultimate destination on the shore. However, the tide does not reach its ultimate destination without returning back from where it came. Each time the tide returns to the shore, it progresses further up toward its goal until it has ultimately reached it.
Couples need to realize that any attempts to enact positive change in their relationship will follow the pattern of the tide. In the best of relationships, as we are trying to progress, there are setbacks and times of questioning as to whether we or our partner will ever “get it right.” Interspersed with these moments of frustration and fears that “nothing is changing,” we are blessed with glimpses of breakthroughs and peace. The trick is to focus on the times that we are succeeding at making progress instead of getting mired in all the times we continue to struggle. We must try to focus on noticing even the smallest evidence that the desired change is becoming more of the rule instead of the exception.
To the extent that each partner is able to give what they are able, and take in what the other is offering, a couple can get back in sync with one another and develop an even stronger emotional bond than they enjoyed prior to the breach in their trust. “When you heal a relationship, you create a relationship that heals (Susan Johnson, 2007).”
Unlike the tide, however, our lives and our relationships do not have a definitive “end” goal. It is impossible for our relationships to be fixed and static: they are ever-changing. Couples must continue to put their efforts toward nurturing their relationship so that it will continue to grow. They must continue to strengthen the bond of trust they share. It is essential, therefore, that we cease putting our efforts toward mourning the past or maintaining resentment. Creating the present and future we desire requires all our attention and efforts. We must forgive and move on.
Whether or not a relationship can be healed, we must forgive in order for us to heal and move forward with our lives. Unless we can come to peace with our past and the person who has hurt us, we run the risk of defining ourselves and our futures by that past pain. There is no peace in holding on to bitterness, resentment, contempt, or rage. We must relieve ourselves of this burden, and let it go in order to move forward to better times. We must do so to find peace and create a better future.
