When the Children Grow Up
When children are grown, there seems to be a misconception that blended family life is easier and stress-free. After all, there are no custody schedules, bedtime routines, school pickups, or questions about who gets to discipline whom. There are no obligations regarding meal preparations, extracurricular activities, and disputes over who is paying for what. Family stressors may look different with adult children, as they do with nuclear families, but they don’t necessarily disappear.
It doesn’t matter if you blend families while the children are minors and then they grow into adults, or if they were already adults when you became an established couple, there are unique tensions that come with “blending” adult children.
When the Stepparent Was There From the Beginning
Complications can vary depending on whether the stepparent was present during childhood or became part of the picture later, after the children entered adulthood. When a stepparent becomes a part of the family while the children are still being raised, children becoming adults is oftentimes seen as the light at the end of the tunnel.
I know some families still have adult children residing in the home, so that’s a topic for another blog.
Here, we are talking about a parent/stepparent who has been involved in a child’s upbringing and has some sort of established history and now, that child is an adult.
Big sigh of relief…or so you thought.
New Independence, New Challenges
Adult stepchildren, no longer bound by household rules, scheduled time with parents, and/or financial constraints, are able to decide when and where they would like to spend their time.
Even if a parent/stepparent and adult child have good relationships, there are natural life stressors that can take a toll on the relationship dynamics.
The adult children may be focusing on school, work, or creating their own families. They may also experience additional pressures now that court orders and custody disputes between parents don’t have the final say as to where to spend holidays or who to have present for major life events, like weddings, vacations and child births.
Of course, the best outcomes will always be if all adult children, parents/co-parents and new partners/spouses can all get along, but every family is different.
When a Parent Starts a New Relationship
When a parent remarries or enters a new relationship, several important factors can influence the development and ongoing dynamics of relationships within adult-child and blended-family systems.
That adult child already has an established history and relationship with their parent(s). Even though they are adults and the new partner was not a part of their childhood, the adult child may still have some ambivalence.
They might be skeptical or even jealous of the newcomer. Those feelings might create resistance to developing a relationship with their parent’s new partner or in continuing the relationship with their parent.
Grief, Jealousy, and Changing Family Traditions
Jealousy or skepticism might emerge from family traditions changing, their parent spending less time with them, or feeling like their parent has changed since the new relationship/marriage.
This experienced grief can be a two-way or three-way street, since parents and new partners might hope to have healthy relationships with the kids.
Building Relationships Takes Time
Stepparents of adult children may not have the same opportunities to build a relationship over time, as adult children are not bound by custody schedules and can choose how and where they spend their time.
They are also not given multiple opportunities to work through conflicts to establish closeness, respect, and resiliency since there really is no requirement to do so.
All adults have the independence and autonomy to decide if they want to work on things or not. Everyone is free to spend their time and energy as they please.
Getting to Know a Parent’s New Partner
Each person might have different expectations of what the relationship(s) look like.
For adult children whose parents have a new spouse, investing some time to try to get to know the new partner could prove worthwhile. You may be surprised to discover that you enjoy their company or find unexpected points of connection when you approach the relationship with curiosity and openness.
It’s understandable that there might be some hesitancy. If you don’t know them that well and are not sure if you’d get along, or even if there has already been some friction, it might be beneficial to give it some effort before completely giving up.
Finding Common Ground While Maintaining Boundaries
As is true with any relationship, relationships are work. It might help to try and focus on what the two of you have in common versus what makes you so different.
If it doesn’t seem like there is going to be any common ground or the relationship suffers too many difficulties, it’s always okay to have some boundaries.
Making Space for a New Stepparent
As a new partner or spouse of someone with adult children, the same concept can be applied to you.
Recognizing that, for blended families, even if you’re not technically doing any child-raising or co-parenting, it takes time to establish rapport and trust with children, of any age.
Setting Expectations in a Shared Family Home
Even though you and your partner/spouse may be living together, the adult children likely grew up with a certain understanding or expectations of the home with their parent.
For example, walking right into the house might be a normal thing for the adult child and parent, without realizing it may be uncomfortable or disrespectful for a new spouse/partner in their home.
You are allowed to establish boundaries/expectations for your relationship(s) with your new partner and their adult children, but giving time and opportunities to grow those relationships can be incredibly rewarding and fulfilling.
One Garden, Many Roots
In blended families, one “garden” can hold many different histories, relationships, and experiences, yet still grow alongside one another.
When we make room for the differences, rather than expect all of the relationships to look the same, we cultivate a cornucopia of fruits.
The goal isn’t to completely change the garden, but to make room for new relationships while honoring the roots that were already there.
Written 9/25/26