Keeping the Spark Alive
By Donnella Lincoln
I’ve always thought of butterflies as a mixture of excitement and anxiety. Butterflies flutter when you’re standing onstage right before performing in a big show, right before jumping out of an airplane, or right before going on a first or second date with someone you really, really like.
The Honeymoon Phase of Relationships
A real butterfly’s lifespan lasts about 2-5 weeks, but when it comes to new relationships, those butterflies in your tummy can last just a little bit longer. It seems like, in the beginning, you and your partner can do no wrong—everything is amazing, carefree, and fun. This is typically known as “the honeymoon phase.” It lasts anywhere from a few months to a few years. At some point, however, that newness fades, relaxation sets in, and maybe even irritability or anxiety presides more often, prompting conflict to arise.
And that’s okay–we can work through some conflict. It’s alright if, before, we were blind to our partner’s flaws and missed that they folded towels differently than us, or that they leave dishes in the sink right after we finish cleaning them. We can handle differences in favorite types of movies or where we want to go out to eat for date night. After other big life transitions, like moving in together, getting married, or having children/pets, it seems like it gets harder and harder to overlook the little things. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had couples come in (whether they’ve been married for decades or dating for a couple years) tell me they wish that “things would be like they were before” or were like “the beginning.”
What To Do When the Butterflies in a Relationship Wear Off?
That’s a pretty tall order. How do we accomplish that? How can we go back to the way things were in the beginning? Or at least be excited and motivated to spend time with our partners so that we can feel close, safe and connected?
So many feel like the “spark” in their relationship is missing, which can cause some distress or panic because that then might feel like it equates to failure or the demise of the relationship. This isn’t necessarily true and continuing to remind yourself that your relationship is not done because the “spark” is gone is a good first step to keeping the relationship healthy.
How to Recover the Spark in a Relationship
I interviewed various couples to see how they keep that spark alive. One man, who has been married to his wife for over 40 years, lists important facets of his relationship like keeping his partner laughing, engaging in physical touch, checking in on how she’s doing emotionally and physically, and ensuring that they stay connected to loved ones in their family. He laughs, stating, “sparks are hard to come by when you’re 70-something.” All jokes aside, he emphasizes that communicating with your partner for continuous check-ins and treating your partner like they “can always get swept off their feet and offered more by someone else” is helpful in keeping them feeling cared for and loved.
Other interviewees suggested continuing to date your partner. A good rule of thumb is the 2-2-2 rule. Every 2 weeks, you go on a date night. Every 2 months, you go on a weekend getaway. Every 2 years, you take a big vacation together. This can be adjusted accordingly—3-3-3, or however works for you best, but the main point being to take the time to focus just on one another without any other responsibilities and do something enjoyable.
Advice For a Happier Relationship
No matter how long you and your honey have been together, it sounds like surefire ways you can keep those butterflies fluttering is by prioritizing time with them, finding ways to be playful, and avoiding just assuming that everything is always fine and dandy by giving them the opportunity to express themselves.
