Donnella Corey, Author at Arizona Relationship Institute

October 29, 2026

One Garden, Many Roots: How to Best Care for a Community Garden When the Gardeners Disagree

Raising children is arguably one of the most difficult things that people do. If you add in blended family dynamics and chronic disagreements/conflicts between co-parents, it becomes even more difficult. This blog is going to cover effective ways to navigate communication through disagreements and conflicts between co-parents using a “business strategy” lens.

Identify Your Shared Goals

The business relationship metaphor is great because it’s relatable. Most of us have probably worked at a place at some point in our lives where we did not agree with a decision, had different ideas, or experienced difficulty with a co-worker. Thinking about sharing mutual goals (i.e., raising healthy, well-adjusted, and loving humans), similar to a business’ mission statement, is the first step in being able to effectively co-parent. As a first step, identify what you are trying to accomplish together.

Let Go of Trying to Make Everything the Same

Next, trash the idea that everything has to be the same between households or that you need to try to control other household routines, expectations, and rules. It’s not that it’s a bad idea in theory, but just that it’s not going to work and will only add to your own stress when it inevitably doesn’t go the way you were hoping it would.

Instead, try to compost the idea. Try to build routines, expectations, and rules as best as you can with the co-parent. If there is still disagreement, defer to your family’s parenting plan, then continue to keep consistency and structure so long as the main guidelines (similar to a work policy or handbook) are followed. Those guidelines are structured with the best interests of the children in mind and following it as much as possible will help mitigate any unnecessary stress.

Establish Business Hours and Clear Communication

Another helpful strategy is to establish “business hours” and clear routes of communication. Determine what exceptions can be made if operating outside of business hours when you would immediately need to tend to the “garden.” For instance, maybe you decide that you are willing to operate outside of business hours if there is an emergency with a child, or if there is a certain thing that needs to be communicated with a time limit or deadline.

Maintaining boundaries is essential for parenting self-care, just like in a work environment. There needs to be a point where you wave goodbye to your co-workers, then clock out to focus on your other areas of life, like family time and hobbies.

Additionally, establishing a consistent and ideally easily-documented means of communication facilitates healthy boundaries when it comes to co-parenting from a business lens. Oftentimes, courts will assign co-parents that have challenges communicating an app to communicate through, such as OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents. Similar to email or company communication tools like Teams, these apps eliminate “he said/she said” disputes, and can sometimes help with filtering potentially harsh, inappropriate or aggressive language that can be interpreted as combative and hostile. Sticking to one means of communication as much as possible is easiest and best for organizational purposes.

Remove Emotion from the Sandbox

The next important strategy would be to remove emotion from the “sandbox.” Businesses run on facts, logistics, and data. Anytime emotions get mixed in, it creates vulnerabilities and sometimes escalates issues that could have been avoided otherwise.

In a company, there are conflict of interest (COI) policies where corporations require employees to disclose any personal conflicts of interest that might skew their judgment or lead to biased, emotionally-driven decisions rather than what is best for the company. In the context of co-parenting, this is where it is best to consider if you are operating from your personal feelings of the relationship when making a decision about the kids, or if what you are advocating for and doing is genuinely in their best interest.

If conflict is unavoidable, keeping it between co-parents is ultimately best so that the kids are not impacted. You wouldn’t yell at a colleague in front of a client—so pretend that the kids are clients and resume any further necessary communication after they are no longer present.

Every Gardener Has a Role

You don’t have to love the other “gardeners” to effectively work together to accomplish your “company’s” mission. Every gardener is different. The reality is that even most nuclear families experience differences in parenting strategies and child-rearing expectations. Using a business lens to tend to your mutual community garden (aka family) can be assistive in keeping the blended family garden strong, healthy and flourishing.

Written 10/07/26

October 16, 2026

The Living Garden: One Garden, Many Roots: Transition Day Transplant Shock

Understanding Transition Days

Blended family life presents unique challenges that are not experienced in nuclear families. One of the biggest challenges is what are called “transition days.”

Transition days are the times/days when children go from one household to another. That means it can be the end of your designated time period with the kids and now they are going to their other household, or they are ending their designated time period with their other household and are now coming to yours.

When Reunions Don’t Go as Expected

Case scenario—it’s been five days since you’ve seen your kids/stepkids. Thankfully, it’s transition day, so they will be home with you right after school.

You get so excited to see them because it’s felt like years (and sometimes looks like it, too. I swear my stepkids come home and they’ve grown a couple inches in a span of days…).

They get home and you’re all smiles, waiting at the door to give them big hugs, and they barely grunt a “hello” as you wrap your arms around their limp arms.

They drop their bags, drag themselves to their bedrooms, and proceed to spend the next few hours in there until you force them out for dinnertime. That’s not how you expected that to go.

It can feel deflating and personal when you’ve missed them so much and were just hoping to reconnect with them.

“Did I do something wrong?” “What happened in their other home?” “Maybe they don’t want to see me anymore.” All the negative thoughts come flooding.

It can be helpful to recognize that this is rarely a reflection of your parenting. The first 24-hours of transitionary periods between households are almost always the most difficult.

Why Transitions Can Be Difficult for Children

Children often experience loyalty conflicts, sadness or grief from leaving a parent/family member(s), or are just needing to mentally prepare/decompress from the big differences between households.

As a child growing up in a blended family myself, I distinctly remember each household being incredibly different.

I had different siblings/family dynamics in each home, different routines with school, extracurriculars, household chores/responsibilities, different rules with bedtime, curfew, and grades.

My parents’ approaches to independence and discipline were completely opposite. Even when parents get along between homes, it can still be difficult for kids to adapt to those changes immediately and abruptly.

To help ease the strain for yourself and the kids, I came up with a list of tips and tricks for parents to use for transition periods.

Tips and Best Practices for Transition Days

1. Keep It Low-Key

Avoid heavy questioning, immediate demands like chores, school-work, etc., or big family plans and events right away. This isn’t a time to bombard them with information or interrogate about their other household/parent(s). Transitions should be as warm, welcoming and comfortable as possible.

2. Try Not to Take Things Personally

If you’re sensing or experiencing distance, behavioral challenges, or negative emotions between you and your kids/stepkids, then pause and consider the possibility that it probably does not have anything to do with you. This can increase later receptivity to children unburdening emotional weights about what is really going on for them or help to encourage safety and security to decrease any interpersonal tensions.

3. Protect the Household Roles

Here is the emphasis on kids being allowed to just be kids. The primary parents/caregivers should be responsible for initial greetings, responsibilities and discipline. The stepparents will generally do best in the supportive role, providing a low-pressure and warm presence.

4. Don’t Make Assumptions

When the kids come back from their other household and are seemingly on edge or present with challenges, do not automatically assume it is because of their other parent(s) or what their time was like at their other household.

One thing I remember hearing from someone who grew up in a blended family and is now an adult is that, “My problems were never just my problems. Both of my parents always made my problems about the other parent.” Let them have their own problems that just come with being a kid.

If something comes up that absolutely needs to be addressed with the other parent, do not take that as an opportunity to bash their other parent(s) in front of the kids, insist they recount details, or try to guide their opinions/beliefs about their other parent(s) care and love towards them. Also, communications about safety and logistics should always be between the adults.

5. Above All, Extend Empathy and Grace

The kids are constantly adjusting to differences between households as they move through their own daily problems and growth, even if they know what to expect, so giving them time to recoup and ease back into routines and expectations can benefit everyone. They might be carrying more emotional weight than they’re communicating, so if you find yourselves facing behavioral challenges, try to lead with calm and compassionate energy.

A Blended Family Is a Wild, Resilient Garden

In the gardening world, transferring a plant from one pot to another is generally accepted as “transplant shock.” It is tended to accordingly, with nurture and care.

Transition days are reminders that we aren’t “blenders” and thus, we should stop looking for the “puree button.” Instead, we can have gratitude and celebrate the wild, resilient garden that blended families are.

Written 10/07/26

October 15, 2026

The Living Garden: One Garden, Many Roots: Stress-free Blending When Children Are Adults

When the Children Grow Up

When children are grown, there seems to be a misconception that blended family life is easier and stress-free. After all, there are no custody schedules, bedtime routines, school pickups, or questions about who gets to discipline whom. There are no obligations regarding meal preparations, extracurricular activities, and disputes over who is paying for what. Family stressors may look different with adult children, as they do with nuclear families, but they don’t necessarily disappear.

It doesn’t matter if you blend families while the children are minors and then they grow into adults, or if they were already adults when you became an established couple, there are unique tensions that come with “blending” adult children.

When the Stepparent Was There From the Beginning

Complications can vary depending on whether the stepparent was present during childhood or became part of the picture later, after the children entered adulthood. When a stepparent becomes a part of the family while the children are still being raised, children becoming adults is oftentimes seen as the light at the end of the tunnel.

I know some families still have adult children residing in the home, so that’s a topic for another blog.

Here, we are talking about a parent/stepparent who has been involved in a child’s upbringing and has some sort of established history and now, that child is an adult.

Big sigh of relief…or so you thought.

New Independence, New Challenges

Adult stepchildren, no longer bound by household rules, scheduled time with parents, and/or financial constraints, are able to decide when and where they would like to spend their time.

Even if a parent/stepparent and adult child have good relationships, there are natural life stressors that can take a toll on the relationship dynamics.

The adult children may be focusing on school, work, or creating their own families. They may also experience additional pressures now that court orders and custody disputes between parents don’t have the final say as to where to spend holidays or who to have present for major life events, like weddings, vacations and child births.

Of course, the best outcomes will always be if all adult children, parents/co-parents and new partners/spouses can all get along, but every family is different.

When a Parent Starts a New Relationship

When a parent remarries or enters a new relationship, several important factors can influence the development and ongoing dynamics of relationships within adult-child and blended-family systems.

That adult child already has an established history and relationship with their parent(s). Even though they are adults and the new partner was not a part of their childhood, the adult child may still have some ambivalence.

They might be skeptical or even jealous of the newcomer. Those feelings might create resistance to developing a relationship with their parent’s new partner or in continuing the relationship with their parent.

Grief, Jealousy, and Changing Family Traditions

Jealousy or skepticism might emerge from family traditions changing, their parent spending less time with them, or feeling like their parent has changed since the new relationship/marriage.

This experienced grief can be a two-way or three-way street, since parents and new partners might hope to have healthy relationships with the kids.

Building Relationships Takes Time

Stepparents of adult children may not have the same opportunities to build a relationship over time, as adult children are not bound by custody schedules and can choose how and where they spend their time.

They are also not given multiple opportunities to work through conflicts to establish closeness, respect, and resiliency since there really is no requirement to do so.

All adults have the independence and autonomy to decide if they want to work on things or not. Everyone is free to spend their time and energy as they please.

Getting to Know a Parent’s New Partner

Each person might have different expectations of what the relationship(s) look like.

For adult children whose parents have a new spouse, investing some time to try to get to know the new partner could prove worthwhile. You may be surprised to discover that you enjoy their company or find unexpected points of connection when you approach the relationship with curiosity and openness.

It’s understandable that there might be some hesitancy. If you don’t know them that well and are not sure if you’d get along, or even if there has already been some friction, it might be beneficial to give it some effort before completely giving up.

Finding Common Ground While Maintaining Boundaries

As is true with any relationship, relationships are work. It might help to try and focus on what the two of you have in common versus what makes you so different.

If it doesn’t seem like there is going to be any common ground or the relationship suffers too many difficulties, it’s always okay to have some boundaries.

Making Space for a New Stepparent

As a new partner or spouse of someone with adult children, the same concept can be applied to you.

Recognizing that, for blended families, even if you’re not technically doing any child-raising or co-parenting, it takes time to establish rapport and trust with children, of any age.

Setting Expectations in a Shared Family Home

Even though you and your partner/spouse may be living together, the adult children likely grew up with a certain understanding or expectations of the home with their parent.

For example, walking right into the house might be a normal thing for the adult child and parent, without realizing it may be uncomfortable or disrespectful for a new spouse/partner in their home.

You are allowed to establish boundaries/expectations for your relationship(s) with your new partner and their adult children, but giving time and opportunities to grow those relationships can be incredibly rewarding and fulfilling.

One Garden, Many Roots

In blended families, one “garden” can hold many different histories, relationships, and experiences, yet still grow alongside one another.

When we make room for the differences, rather than expect all of the relationships to look the same, we cultivate a cornucopia of fruits.

The goal isn’t to completely change the garden, but to make room for new relationships while honoring the roots that were already there.

Written 9/25/26

September 15, 2026September 16, 2026

The Living Garden: Protecting the Roots: Supporting the Framework That Upholds the Garden

In a garden, everyone notices the beauty of the flowers. What no one sees is what makes the blooming all possible—the roots underneath the surface.

In typical nuclear families, both relationship and intimacy satisfaction levels decline when becoming parents. As the number of children increases, the satisfaction levels continue to decrease (Twenge, Campbell, & Foster, 2003).

Delicate, Ayers and McMullen (2018) recommend couples receive antenatal education that includes preparation for relationship changes and transitional resolutions. Given the stress that accompanies parenthood, the decline in satisfaction makes sense.

The Added Stress of Blended Families

It should come as no surprise then that blended family couples are susceptible to increased stress that could negatively affect the relationship between them.

There are many more variables of stress for blended families that can influence whether a couple is satisfied or not. Parenting differences, conflicts between co-parents or chronic tension between stepparents and stepchildren can dramatically influence stress levels of a marriage and be determining factors of separation/divorce in remarriages (DeLongis & Zwicker, 2017).

According to Aughinbaugh and Rothstein (2024), approximately 46% of first marriages end in divorce. Second marriages have a divorce rate ranging from 39-41% and continue to show higher risk of dissolution as the number of remarriages increases (Aughinbaugh & Rothstein, 2024).

With the exposure of additional stress and risks posed in blended families, protection of the foundational relationship is vital.

It’s a different feel than what exists when a nuclear couple becomes “new” parents, but if the relationship is going to last, there needs to be intentional focus on nurture and care.

Parenting differences is a significant factor in relationship stress of blended families, but that stressor already existed in nuclear families. In fact, in blended families, research shows that relationship satisfaction actually increases long-term with the introduction of a shared biological child (Ivanova & Balbo, 2019).

If you don’t share any children, don’t feel the need to start baking in hopes of increasing your relational satisfaction. Please defer to the (6) ways below to protect and nourish the relationship so a strong foundation leads your family.

1. Prioritize the Relationship

Dates nights, weekends, or little moments in between. With or without the children in the house, making sure your partner feels seen and cared for by being intentional with your time and affection goes a long way.

It’s also a plus if there is time for the two of you to connect when the kids are at their other household.

Try to make time to foster that emotional connection that brought the two of you together in the first place.

2. Find Good Educational Resources and Materials on Blended Families

Like the recommendation above for couples stepping foot into parenthood, preparing ahead of time and continuing to resource can provide armor for any conflicts or stress presented in blended family life.

Finding books, podcasts, research, blogs (look at you, already doing this!) or even seeking counseling support can all contribute to strengthening your relationship.

3. Establish Clear Family Roles

Children AND adults in the house benefit when everyone knows what to expect.

Ensuring clear family roles, boundaries and expectations can provide reassurance and ease anxiety/frustration all-around.

(Note: see previous blogs on establishing roles as stepdads/stepmoms).

4. Present as a United Parenting Team

As much as possible, work together as a team to identify any problem areas or disputes in parenting.

It’s not going to be perfect, but working to establish a good understanding of what each of your ideal expectations, rules and consequences for your household is critical to relationship stability and health.

5. Practice Flexibility

It’s going to change. Constantly.

As children develop and grow, seemingly so do needs, rules, scheduling demands and routines.

Being able to easily adjust, hopefully with open and frequent communication, can help immensely.

6. Create New Family Traditions

There is grief for everyone in blended families, even if the circumstances are mostly positive.

Creating your own traditions as a couple and family can promote closeness and create something to look forward to in the relationships.

Nourishing the Roots

In a blended family, the chaos never stops.

If you let it, the stress can take hold and quickly overwhelm the foundation supplying all the nutrients and holding it all together.

The strength of your partnership is the root system that nourishes every other family relationship, giving the entire garden a better chance to flourish.

References

Aughinbaugh, A., & Rothstein, D. S. (2024). Patterns of marriage and divorce from ages 15 to 55: Evidence from the NLSY79. Monthly Labor Review. U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. https://doi.org/10.21916/mlr.2024.15

Delicate, A., Ayers, S., & McMullen, S. (2018). A systematic review and meta-synthesis of the impact of becoming parents on the couple relationship. Midwifery, 61, 88–96. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.midw.2018.02.022

DeLongis, A., & Zwicker, A. (2017). Marital satisfaction and divorce in couples in stepfamilies. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 158–161. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.09.003

Ivanova, K., & Balbo, N. (2019). Cementing the stepfamily? Biological and stepparents’ relationship satisfaction after the birth of a common child in stepfamilies. Journal of Family Issues, 40(10), 1346–1363. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X19836456

Twenge, J. M., Campbell, W. K., & Foster, C. A. (2003). Parenthood and marital satisfaction: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Marriage and Family, 65(3), 574–583. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2003.00574.x

Written 9/07/26

September 15, 2026

The Living Garden: One Garden, Many Roots: Finding Her Place

Understanding the Stepmother’s Role in a Blended Family

Finding Her Place

Blended family life is so beautiful.

I can personally attest that there are so many parts of being a stepmom specifically that are indescribably fulfilling.

While I wholeheartedly mean that, blended family life can feel like you’re trying to force a glass slipper on a foot that just won’t cooperate.

Every stepmom’s experience and family dynamic is different.

The role of a stepmother all-too-oftentimes seems conflicting.

There are unique challenges that stepmoms navigate that can contribute to frustration, anxiety and exhaustion.

Stepmoms are constantly on the receiving end of other’s negative thoughts and feelings.

I have seen and heard horror stories about stepmom experiences from stepmoms, co-parents/ex-partners, children, and family members.

Stepmom Issues Can Extend Beyond the Immediate Blended Family Roles

School officials, extracurricular activity coaches/leaders, and children’s friends’ families/parents all have difficulty keeping up…and I can’t say I don’t get it.

In the previous blog addressing the role of stepfathers, we talked about common expectations of men as fathers (emphasis on not if these expectations are right or wrong, just what is common) and how those messages conflicted with stepfather roles and expectations.

For this discussion, we will focus on messages mothers and stepmothers receive, as well as ways to support stepmoms in navigation of their role.

The Expectations Placed on Stepmoms

Mothers of a household are frequently expected to provide nurture, love, affection and warmth—in effect, making the house a “home.”

So naturally, those expectations can transfer to a stepmom in her home.

It’s her perceived job to organize the chaos and add layers of comfort and calm.

At the same time, stepmoms are constantly battling these messages:

“You’re not the mom.”

“Stop trying to replace their mom.”

“Stay in your lane.”

“Be endlessly patient and selfless.”

“Don’t have negative feelings.”

“You signed up for this.”

I don’t know that I need to describe the problem much more here.

When the Rules Feel Contradictory

Conflicting expectations of women in general is to provide emotional warmth and nurture, but to simultaneously back off.

There are sometimes demands to respect the matriarchal balance in a completely different household or to not take on responsibilities that are “parent” responsibilities.

Additionally, these messages directly conflict with general stepparent research and relationship development.

All the research indicates that building trust and bonds in blended families takes time…like, a long time.

So be loving, but not too soon,…or at all, I guess?

These conflicting messages can come from the kids, extended family members, the other household, the stepmom herself in trying to respect existing family relationships, or a combination of all of these places.

The Paradox of Stepmotherhood

Regardless of where the messages originate from, all of these imprint a painful paradox, resulting in confusion, anxiety and frustration for everyone.

Expecting to be loving, nurturing, caring, and providing for physical and emotional needs of the household when everyone needs something different is already difficult.

Mix in the warmth of the house seemingly relying all on her, all whilst not crossing the ambiguous, invisible lanes lines, seems like an impossible feat.

Whether or not the stepmom is coming into the family dynamic with or without children of her own also complicates things in different ways.

Being A mom but not the mom blurs the lines and makes it difficult to treat everyone fairly and with the same notes of blended affection and discipline.

Not being a mom and “only” being a stepmom sometimes sends the message that she doesn’t know what she’s doing because she doesn’t have kids of her own.

It’s really seemingly hurtful on all fronts.

The “Wicked Stepmother” Stereotype

To add to complexities, media coverage and famous movies oftentimes depict stepmothers as cruel, jealous and unloving (see Cinderella).

According to Even (2025), approximately 60% of feature films lean heavily on the “wicked stepmother” trope.

Stepfathers are oftentimes applauded as heroes for “stepping up/stepping in” or just positioned as outright clueless in trying to connect with their hesitant stepchildren.

Conversely, women in stepmother roles are criticized for “overstepping.”

These societally influenced messages can contribute to tension in the relationships, thus fueling inefficiency when it comes to focusing on children and household needs.

Supporting Stepmoms

As a partner/spouse, some ways to support stepmoms are to check in on emotions/feelings, validate her role, establish clear boundaries and present as a united front in both your relationship and in parenting.

This means having conversations and asking her what would feel supportive, what her thoughts are, including her in decisions about the household, and working together on establishing/communicating to the family what the expectations/rules are for the household as a team.

As a co-parent, there are ways to be supportive of the stepmom in your children’s lives (with the same note with stepfathers, seeing as the children are safe and taken care of, of course).

Encourage the relationship with the kids and her
Speak positively of her and her role in your children’s lives
Remove any pressure of loyalty binds
Respect any boundaries surrounding separate household rules or communications

All of these strategies can foster a positive united support system for children’s well-being.

Finding Compassion for Yourself

If you’re feeling burnt out or chronically exhausted as a stepmom, please be gentle with yourself.

I always thought the hardest, and most incredible, thing I’ve ever done was become a parent… until I became a stepparent.

Finding your footing as a stepmom does not happen overnight.

It’s not something you dreamt of wanting to be as a child growing up or like anything you’ve learned about in home economics class.

It can also be so, so isolating.

Balancing all the different needs of others—managing schedules, explaining family dynamics at schools or extracurriculars, coordinating with friend’s families, can be a lot.

Trying to stay positive amidst everyone else’s confusion, questioning, or negativity can produce some serious inflammation on top of it all.

The truth is though, if the shoe fits, you don’t have to walk in it alone.

The Importance of Connection

According to the Pew Research Center (2011), approximately 12% of women in the United States are cohabitating with a partner who has children under the age of 18.

Compassion and connections in stepmotherhood are vital in combating outsider syndrome and processing complex emotions, without being viewed as a villain for doing so.

Clearly, there are many other stepmoms and various ways to connect with them that can be complemented by getting some professional support.

The health of a garden doesn’t just rely on one person, but by support and care from everyone.

Healthy “gardening” of families requires multiple relationships adjusting simultaneously.

Complexity and ongoing changes are a normal part of the process.

You don’t need a perfect royal palace or to blister your feet up in those shiny glass slippers just the right connections, self-compassion and a team that backs you up.

References

Even. (2025). Still wicked? Pop culture perpetuates negative stereotypes of stepmothers, study shows [Research report]. Anglia Ruskin University. https://www.thesun.co.uk/tv/34471857/on-screen-stepmothers-negatively-influence-real-life-perceptions/

Pew Research Center. (2011). A portrait of stepfamilies. Pew Research Center’s Social & Demographic Trends Project. pewresearch.org

Written 8/30/26

August 31, 2026

The Living Garden: One Garden, Many Roots Finding His Place: Understanding the Stepfather’s Role in a Blended Family

The role of a stepfather can be complicated. Hollywood’s depiction of stepfathers is much sparser than stepmothers, but general stereotypes of stepfathers portray them either as over-the-top competitors or comedic outsiders.

Hollywood’s Stepfather Stereotypes

For example, in the film Daddy’s Home, audiences laugh as the children’s dad and stepdad compete for affection and approval of the children. Similarly, the movie Stepbrothers mostly focuses on a stepsibling rivalry, but does contain notes of skepticism and resistance of acceptance for the stepfather, even though the stepchildren are adults. This really highlights that one of the biggest struggles of a stepfather’s journey is finding their place.

Finding His Place in a Blended Family

Building trust, establishing healthy boundaries and developing meaningful relationships with stepchildren takes time, patience and understanding from everyone involved.

Understanding the role of a stepfather begins with setting aside stereotypes and recognizing that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to becoming part of a blended family.

The Stepfather’s Role Takes Time

Research indicates that it takes minimally 4-7 years for complex stepfamilies to have a solid sense of stable family identity, maybe even longer.

The “Head of Household” Expectations

Oftentimes, outside of blended families, gender roles and societal expectations are often pushed on the primary adult male as the “head of household.” That stereotypically comes with expectations of being the primary disciplinarian of the children, financial provider and protector of the family.

Without getting into whether or not these stereotypes are right or wrong, expectations for the “head of the house,” accompanied by the blended family timeline, that can extend this longer probably feels like a constant losing battle.

When Family Dynamics Get More Complicated

It’s much more complicated when you take into account whether or not that stepparent has children of their own or how involved the stepchildren’s other household parent is.

It might be easier for a child to be receptive to a stepfather if their other parent has little to no involvement.

Conversely, if a father is involved in their child’s life and the co-parenting relationship between primary parents is tense or high-conflict, that may increase resistance from a child to accept a stepfather whenever he tries to enforce rules in their household.

When Protection Gets Complicated

Additionally, the protection elements are very difficult to maneuver when you see your partner/spouse be disrespected by children or their coparent.

Being witness to or hearing about these issues sometimes makes the stepfather feel inclined to get involved in parenting/co-parenting issues.

As a stepfather, you might be indirectly or directly pressured to get involved in hopes of supporting your partner or the children, but this approach can exacerbate the issue(s) and directly set flames to your relationship with your stepchildren.

When Both Partners Have Children

It becomes especially difficult to maintain the role of provider, protector, and disciplinarian when both partners in a relationship have children because it is also common for them to have differences in parenting strategies, regardless of compatibility.

Building Trust Before Authority

Typically, a child’s primary caregiver serves as their safe “home base,” with a natural bond built through established trust, familiarity, and connection.

If a stepparent comes in and immediately demands things like respect or trust without patience and limited understanding of children’s development or blended family dynamics, then that’s a recipe for disaster for everyone involved.

Building a Bond First

The best strategy as a stepfather is to build a bond (again, this takes time and is slow), establish trust, and slowly transition to only assisting the primary parent with things like discipline and expectations/rules.

The primary parent should be the one to take on most of the discipline seeing as though the stepfather needs to build a bond and trust with the kids.

Ways to Build Trust

Trust can be built by being interested in the child’s interests, modeling a healthy relationship and conflict resolution skills with their primary parent, and following through with the set expectations as the adult in a calm manner.

Stepfathers that engage with and inquire about thoughts/feelings of the kids as much as possible promote healthy relationships.

When Stepchildren Are Upset

If your stepchildren are expressing disinterest or are upset/angry with you, then do your best not to get discouraged.

Children are much more naturally forgiving of their primary parent; however, they can be forgiving towards you as well.

Taking ownership of your mistakes and continuing to attempt to be close to them shows them that you actually care.

Ways to Be Supportive of Stepfathers and Stepchildren

As the partner/spouse of a stepfather, you can have conversations with your partner to discuss expectations and child-rearing strategies prior to the relationship.

Listening to Everyone’s Experiences

Asking your partner and children about their experiences, observations and feelings/thoughts can be incredibly validating as well to better balance the needs of the stepfather and your children.

This way, the two of you can integrate any adaptations or accommodations needed as the family dynamics and expectations change (and they will as kids get older).

Making Time for Individual Relationships

Other ways to support stepfathers and stepchildren are to spend time separately and individually with everyone.

I understand this can be tricky sometimes with work, school, and extracurricular schedules but encouraging time spent for everyone to be heard while being able to have fun and bond is critical for relationship development.

Supporting the Stepfather-Child Relationship

If you are the co-parent and seeing that your children are safe and loved in their other household, then also hearing them out about their stepfather and encouraging that relationship can be supportive as well, even if there are conflicts between the other co-parent and yourself.

Reassuring Children About Loyalty

Assuring your children that there are no loyalty binds, that you as a father are not threatened (in kid-speak, of course!) If you have the inkling or directly hear that they are worried about that can really help ease a strain between the children and their stepfather so they are more receptive to bonding with him.

The Importance of Feeling Loved, Cared For, and Safe

The most important thing is that children feel loved, cared for, and safe so having an additional adult to physically, financially, emotionally support, and potentially love them only adds to their well-being.

Finding His Place in the Garden

I genuinely hope this blog is validating that stepfathers experience struggles and difficulties specific to their role and role development.

It’s more complicated than just having good intentions.

The relationship with stepdads and their stepchildren are slow to strengthen, but can be incredibly rewarding and net positive for the children and adults alike.

Even if the kids don’t call him dad, and especially if there’s a fire.

References

Papernow, P. L. (2013). Surviving and thriving in stepfamily relationships: What works and what doesn’t. Routledge.

Written 8/13/26

August 13, 2026

The Living Garden: One Garden, Many Roots: What is a Blended Family?

What Is a Blended Family?

The term “blended family” came about in the 1970s to soften more negative connotations impressed by the term “stepfamily,” which most often pertained to divorced and remarried couples with children, according to Merriam-Webster (n.d.)

A blended family is used more broadly now as a term for any family that has stepparents, stepchildren, stepsiblings, or half-siblings, although those labels and dynamics vary. These families are also not necessarily a product of a parent’s passing or divorce. They can also be single-parent families, stepchildren adopted families, or families unified by cohabitation. In sum, the term “blended” carries a lot of different sizes, shapes, and meanings.

To be honest, I’ve never understood the term “blended” in reference to describing a family. Thinking about a “blender” mixing everyone all up doesn’t feel like an accurate depiction of what really happens within blended families. Stepparents, children, primary parents, half-siblings, and extensions of these families don’t all “blend” together to make one giant smoothie…and it’s definitely not smooth.

When I was growing up, I didn’t call my siblings “half” siblings—they were just my brothers and sisters; however, I understand the term is blanketed for covering complexities amongst families where (sometimes) it’s important to know who is who.

I think a more accurate and beautiful visual for blended families is a living garden where different plants grow in one space. Each plant is unique, brings its own strengths/fruits, and faces its own challenges. Sometimes, the plants need to be moved from place to place to ensure they get all of their needs sufficiently met.

One garden, many roots.

Blended Families in the United States

Approximately 17% of children in the United States live in blended families, according to Hays (2026). This means that almost one in five children in the country have at least one parent who is remarried or cohabiting with a new partner after divorce or separation, have siblings with at least one different parent, and/or are legally adopted by a stepparent.

There are so many common challenges to be aware of, as well as an exorbitant amount of positives that come from being in a blended family.

Common Challenges for Blended Families

Common challenges that blended families experience are adjusting to new family roles, building trust and relationships between stepparents and stepchildren, sibling rivalry/stepsibling rivalry, co-parenting with former partners, financial changes and stressors, managing holidays/traditions/family schedules, differences in parenting styles and household roles, loyalty conflicts and binds between children and parents, and more.

Safety and security, both physical and emotional, should be a number one priority for blended families. Emotions can run high and blended family burnout can come quicker with these dynamics since blended families tend to experience increased challenges that nuclear families do not experience.

The Benefits of Blended Families

Benefits or positives of blended families are additional sources of support (love, financial, emotional, etc), new relationships/opportunities for healthy bonds, more positive adult role models, expanded family traditions, extended family, increased resilience and coping skills, and greater appreciation for relationships.

Despite not having any current research for “success” rates of blended families, with patience, realistic expectations, proper communication, and support, blended families are able to overcome challenges to fertilize and grow a beautiful living garden that blooms and fruits super “seed” everything else, and make it all worth it.

References

Hays, J. (2026). 5 facts about U.S. children living in blended families. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2026/04/21/5-facts-about-u-s-children-living-in-blended-families/

Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Blended family. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/blended%20family

August 12, 2026August 13, 2026

The Living Garden: One Garden, Many Roots

Meet the Writer

Hi! I’m a Licensed Professional Counselor, a mom, a stepmom, and someone who’s spent most of my life living in the wonderfully complicated world of blended families. I grew up in a big blended family with eight siblings, and as an adult, I’ve experienced life with stepparents, too. Today, I also have the joy (and occasional chaos) of helping raise four amazing kids in my own blended family.

Some people collect hobbies—I seem to collect family roles.

Through The Living Garden: One Garden, Many Roots, I’ll be digging into the research behind blended families while keeping things practical, relatable, and grounded in real life. We’ll explore everything from stepparenting and co-parenting to communication, boundaries, loyalty binds, and why “just treat them like your own” may be one of the most well-intentioned—but least helpful—pieces of advice out there.

Blended families don’t need to look like anyone else’s to be healthy and thriving. Like any good garden, they grow at their own pace, with their own mix of roots, seasons, and surprises.

I’m so glad you’re here. I hope you’ll pull up a chair, stay awhile, and grow with me.

August 10, 2026August 10, 2026

Changing the Stigma

A New Definition of Strength

Men grow up receiving all sorts of messages about what they can and cannot do when it comes to emotions and vulnerability. Thankfully, those messages are beginning to be challenged, as the United States has shown an increase in men seeking mental health treatment. According to Panchal and Lo (2024), mental health treatment across demographic groups has increased significantly between the years 2019 and 2022, including for men.

With Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month having just passed in June, this blog is going to highlight contributing factors to mental health issues for men, barriers to seeking care, and ways that loved ones can help to support so that men/boys can seek adequate mental health care without believing they are any less for it.

The Importance of Men’s Mental Health

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention ([CDC] 2025), 80% of the suicide deaths in the United States occurred in males. That’s not because males experience higher rates of suicidal ideation or symptoms of suicidality, but because males are less likely to seek mental health care, combined with increased social isolation, higher engagement rates of substance use, and using more lethal means (CDC, 2025).

Additionally, the messages males often receive are that they need to handle things all on their own in order to uphold others’ expectations and truly be “a man.”

As a daughter, sister, mother, and wife, I feel very passionately about bringing awareness to this silent suffering largely as a result of cultural norms surrounding masculinity, especially since these messages are often conflicting. Challenging these messages as a loved one can mean the difference between untreated depression, anxiety, negative self-esteem/body image, and more.

Messages Boys and Men Receive

“Boys don’t cry”, “man up”, and “be strong” are common messages that boys/men receive from the beginning of their childhood and throughout their lifetimes.

Unfortunately, while these are common societally gender influenced messages that constantly bombard men/boys, these messages are not just conveyed in schools, workplaces, or social media. Oftentimes, these messages are communicated right in the comfort of their own homes.

Parents, siblings, partners/spouses, and friends, despite good intent, can send signals that make it difficult for men/boys to have a strong sense of belonging, confidence, and self-worth.

Warning Signs to Look For

There are common warning signs to look out for that might indicate mental health struggles for men/boys.

Irritability or anger, changes in sleep or appetite, withdrawal or isolation from loved ones, loss of interest in activities, increased substance use, or working excessively can all be signs of suppressing difficulties.

Additionally, because men/boys oftentimes try to avoid bringing any of these things as a greater problem or issue at all, that might mean a need for increased gentleness and care when addressing these symptoms.

How Loved Ones Can Help

Some ways to be supportive of the boys and men in your life when acknowledging mental health struggles are to check in, stay present, and normalize emotions.

It may sound simple, but by not avoiding their emotions, shifting the emotional focus, or personalizing their emotions, we can create an emotionally safer room.

Attention shifting towards the reassurance of someone else, addressing another person’s interpretation of a situation, or focusing on how the other people have been impacted by an experience is a sentiment that I professionally hear about frequently from men that is frustrating or discouraging.

Checking in means genuinely asking how they’re doing, asking open-ended questions, and being accepting of the emotions that are brought to the table, even if they are uncomfortable.

Generally, there is no intent to communicate shame or minimize the emotions experienced by men by loved ones, but the subtle cues of body language, tone of voice, and sometimes direct expressions of emotional discomfort in a moment of vulnerability can quickly shatter any little bit of trust potentially given.

This can lead to further suppression of and permeated beliefs about emotional safety when, given the stats, our men/boys so clearly need it.

Creating Change

Every person deserves respect, compassion and safety.

When men and boys are given the ability to share their emotions without fear of being dismissed, compared, or redirected, they are more likely to develop emotional awareness, healthy relationships, and resilience.

The quote, “Be the change you wish to see in the world,” resonates here as we can all do our best to model emotional attunement, care, and empathy so that mental health advocacy prevails.

References

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2025). Suicide data and statistics. https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/facts/data.html

Panchal, N., & Lo, J. (2024). Exploring the rise in mental health care use by demographics and insurance status. KFF. https://www.kff.org/mental-health/exploring-the-rise-in-mental-health-care-use-by-demographics-and-insurance-status/

Written 7/20/26

July 28, 2026July 28, 2026

More Than a Pet: Understanding the Deep Grief of Losing a Beloved Companion

My Best Friend

Almost three years ago, I lost my best friend. She was the best listener, always gave me hugs, comforted me when I was sad, and was there for me through everything. Her big, brown eyes always softened with love anytime she saw me. Her smile was my favorite. She and I were together for 13 years.

Every time I think about her, my chest tightens and I can feel tears welling behind my eyes. It doesn’t matter that 1) she was a dog and 2) it’s been three years since she passed. Let me tell you why.

The Bond Between Humans and Animals

Her being a dog does not make the grief any less. For those who have not experienced deep connection with an animal, it is much like a relationship with another person. For many, a bond between pet and human can emulate family relationships. Pets of all kinds provide comfort during difficult moments, build fond memories, and implement structure and daily routines.

My dog was there in a span of 13 years for graduations, moving homes, the birth of my son, relationship beginnings and endings, and so much more. She and I went on trips together (camping was her favorite!), family nighttime walks, and hikes. There’s an unexplainable love that exists with animals and their humans. In many ways, she taught me love.

The Science Behind Our Connection

While love is pretty abstract, this type of bond makes sense even from a scientific perspective when thinking of attachment theory. Human beings are built and wired for connection. We seek relationships that provide safety, security and comfort, especially during times of stress.

Initially, this bond begins with our parents/caregivers, but what I learned through personal experience is that this can manifest through animal/human relationships as well. She was the constant. No matter what I went through, she loved me, comforted me, and was always game for some sort of adventure.

This is where there is capacity for even closer relationships than between humans, because pets are not privy to communicating social judgments, criticisms, or expectations. They tend to be content with basic needs being met and forthcoming with an abundance of love and affection as a result.

Why Pet Loss Can Feel So Painful

The second common misconception mentioned earlier was that because it was pet loss, the grief should be shorter or not as big as if it were a human loss. Three years may seem like a long time, but as bereavement counselor Lois Tonkin so eloquently states, “You don’t get over grief. You grow around it.”

Grief is one of the most complex emotions we can experience. It can come not only with death, but loss in various forms—relationship endings, moving, losing a job, etc. There are many layers to grief.

With losing a pet, misunderstandings from others on the grief severity can further exacerbate loneliness and confusion. Grief can impact emotional, physical and mental well-being.

It can show up as:

Distractedness
Changes in appetite or sleep
Isolation
Sadness or tearfulness
Anger or irritability
Forgetfulness/“grief brain”
Substance use
And more

Finding Ways to Navigate Pet Loss

When I lost my dog, some of the most helpful things in navigating that grief was having a burial for her, printing out pictures, getting her paw print for traditions in holidays, sharing with others my feelings and need for support, and counseling.

Everyone’s grief shows up differently, but if you start to notice that your grief is impacting one or more of these areas of your life, getting some additional support can be a beneficial way to process that grief.

There is no timeline for grief, so please be gentle with yourself or others experiencing pet loss.

Written 6/29/26