Donnella Corey, Author at Arizona Relationship Institute

September 15, 2026September 16, 2026

The Living Garden: Protecting the Roots: Supporting the Framework That Upholds the Garden

In a garden, everyone notices the beauty of the flowers. What no one sees is what makes the blooming all possible—the roots underneath the surface.

In typical nuclear families, both relationship and intimacy satisfaction levels decline when becoming parents. As the number of children increases, the satisfaction levels continue to decrease (Twenge, Campbell, & Foster, 2003).

Delicate, Ayers and McMullen (2018) recommend couples receive antenatal education that includes preparation for relationship changes and transitional resolutions. Given the stress that accompanies parenthood, the decline in satisfaction makes sense.

The Added Stress of Blended Families

It should come as no surprise then that blended family couples are susceptible to increased stress that could negatively affect the relationship between them.

There are many more variables of stress for blended families that can influence whether a couple is satisfied or not. Parenting differences, conflicts between co-parents or chronic tension between stepparents and stepchildren can dramatically influence stress levels of a marriage and be determining factors of separation/divorce in remarriages (DeLongis & Zwicker, 2017).

According to Aughinbaugh and Rothstein (2024), approximately 46% of first marriages end in divorce. Second marriages have a divorce rate ranging from 39-41% and continue to show higher risk of dissolution as the number of remarriages increases (Aughinbaugh & Rothstein, 2024).

With the exposure of additional stress and risks posed in blended families, protection of the foundational relationship is vital.

It’s a different feel than what exists when a nuclear couple becomes “new” parents, but if the relationship is going to last, there needs to be intentional focus on nurture and care.

Parenting differences is a significant factor in relationship stress of blended families, but that stressor already existed in nuclear families. In fact, in blended families, research shows that relationship satisfaction actually increases long-term with the introduction of a shared biological child (Ivanova & Balbo, 2019).

If you don’t share any children, don’t feel the need to start baking in hopes of increasing your relational satisfaction. Please defer to the (6) ways below to protect and nourish the relationship so a strong foundation leads your family.

1. Prioritize the Relationship

Dates nights, weekends, or little moments in between. With or without the children in the house, making sure your partner feels seen and cared for by being intentional with your time and affection goes a long way.

It’s also a plus if there is time for the two of you to connect when the kids are at their other household.

Try to make time to foster that emotional connection that brought the two of you together in the first place.

2. Find Good Educational Resources and Materials on Blended Families

Like the recommendation above for couples stepping foot into parenthood, preparing ahead of time and continuing to resource can provide armor for any conflicts or stress presented in blended family life.

Finding books, podcasts, research, blogs (look at you, already doing this!) or even seeking counseling support can all contribute to strengthening your relationship.

3. Establish Clear Family Roles

Children AND adults in the house benefit when everyone knows what to expect.

Ensuring clear family roles, boundaries and expectations can provide reassurance and ease anxiety/frustration all-around.

(Note: see previous blogs on establishing roles as stepdads/stepmoms).

4. Present as a United Parenting Team

As much as possible, work together as a team to identify any problem areas or disputes in parenting.

It’s not going to be perfect, but working to establish a good understanding of what each of your ideal expectations, rules and consequences for your household is critical to relationship stability and health.

5. Practice Flexibility

It’s going to change. Constantly.

As children develop and grow, seemingly so do needs, rules, scheduling demands and routines.

Being able to easily adjust, hopefully with open and frequent communication, can help immensely.

6. Create New Family Traditions

There is grief for everyone in blended families, even if the circumstances are mostly positive.

Creating your own traditions as a couple and family can promote closeness and create something to look forward to in the relationships.

Nourishing the Roots

In a blended family, the chaos never stops.

If you let it, the stress can take hold and quickly overwhelm the foundation supplying all the nutrients and holding it all together.

The strength of your partnership is the root system that nourishes every other family relationship, giving the entire garden a better chance to flourish.

References

Aughinbaugh, A., & Rothstein, D. S. (2024). Patterns of marriage and divorce from ages 15 to 55: Evidence from the NLSY79. Monthly Labor Review. U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. https://doi.org/10.21916/mlr.2024.15

Delicate, A., Ayers, S., & McMullen, S. (2018). A systematic review and meta-synthesis of the impact of becoming parents on the couple relationship. Midwifery, 61, 88–96. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.midw.2018.02.022

DeLongis, A., & Zwicker, A. (2017). Marital satisfaction and divorce in couples in stepfamilies. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 158–161. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.09.003

Ivanova, K., & Balbo, N. (2019). Cementing the stepfamily? Biological and stepparents’ relationship satisfaction after the birth of a common child in stepfamilies. Journal of Family Issues, 40(10), 1346–1363. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X19836456

Twenge, J. M., Campbell, W. K., & Foster, C. A. (2003). Parenthood and marital satisfaction: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Marriage and Family, 65(3), 574–583. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2003.00574.x

Written 9/07/26

September 15, 2026

The Living Garden: One Garden, Many Roots: Finding Her Place

Understanding the Stepmother’s Role in a Blended Family

Finding Her Place

Blended family life is so beautiful.

I can personally attest that there are so many parts of being a stepmom specifically that are indescribably fulfilling.

While I wholeheartedly mean that, blended family life can feel like you’re trying to force a glass slipper on a foot that just won’t cooperate.

Every stepmom’s experience and family dynamic is different.

The role of a stepmother all-too-oftentimes seems conflicting.

There are unique challenges that stepmoms navigate that can contribute to frustration, anxiety and exhaustion.

Stepmoms are constantly on the receiving end of other’s negative thoughts and feelings.

I have seen and heard horror stories about stepmom experiences from stepmoms, co-parents/ex-partners, children, and family members.

Stepmom Issues Can Extend Beyond the Immediate Blended Family Roles

School officials, extracurricular activity coaches/leaders, and children’s friends’ families/parents all have difficulty keeping up…and I can’t say I don’t get it.

In the previous blog addressing the role of stepfathers, we talked about common expectations of men as fathers (emphasis on not if these expectations are right or wrong, just what is common) and how those messages conflicted with stepfather roles and expectations.

For this discussion, we will focus on messages mothers and stepmothers receive, as well as ways to support stepmoms in navigation of their role.

The Expectations Placed on Stepmoms

Mothers of a household are frequently expected to provide nurture, love, affection and warmth—in effect, making the house a “home.”

So naturally, those expectations can transfer to a stepmom in her home.

It’s her perceived job to organize the chaos and add layers of comfort and calm.

At the same time, stepmoms are constantly battling these messages:

“You’re not the mom.”

“Stop trying to replace their mom.”

“Stay in your lane.”

“Be endlessly patient and selfless.”

“Don’t have negative feelings.”

“You signed up for this.”

I don’t know that I need to describe the problem much more here.

When the Rules Feel Contradictory

Conflicting expectations of women in general is to provide emotional warmth and nurture, but to simultaneously back off.

There are sometimes demands to respect the matriarchal balance in a completely different household or to not take on responsibilities that are “parent” responsibilities.

Additionally, these messages directly conflict with general stepparent research and relationship development.

All the research indicates that building trust and bonds in blended families takes time…like, a long time.

So be loving, but not too soon,…or at all, I guess?

These conflicting messages can come from the kids, extended family members, the other household, the stepmom herself in trying to respect existing family relationships, or a combination of all of these places.

The Paradox of Stepmotherhood

Regardless of where the messages originate from, all of these imprint a painful paradox, resulting in confusion, anxiety and frustration for everyone.

Expecting to be loving, nurturing, caring, and providing for physical and emotional needs of the household when everyone needs something different is already difficult.

Mix in the warmth of the house seemingly relying all on her, all whilst not crossing the ambiguous, invisible lanes lines, seems like an impossible feat.

Whether or not the stepmom is coming into the family dynamic with or without children of her own also complicates things in different ways.

Being A mom but not the mom blurs the lines and makes it difficult to treat everyone fairly and with the same notes of blended affection and discipline.

Not being a mom and “only” being a stepmom sometimes sends the message that she doesn’t know what she’s doing because she doesn’t have kids of her own.

It’s really seemingly hurtful on all fronts.

The “Wicked Stepmother” Stereotype

To add to complexities, media coverage and famous movies oftentimes depict stepmothers as cruel, jealous and unloving (see Cinderella).

According to Even (2025), approximately 60% of feature films lean heavily on the “wicked stepmother” trope.

Stepfathers are oftentimes applauded as heroes for “stepping up/stepping in” or just positioned as outright clueless in trying to connect with their hesitant stepchildren.

Conversely, women in stepmother roles are criticized for “overstepping.”

These societally influenced messages can contribute to tension in the relationships, thus fueling inefficiency when it comes to focusing on children and household needs.

Supporting Stepmoms

As a partner/spouse, some ways to support stepmoms are to check in on emotions/feelings, validate her role, establish clear boundaries and present as a united front in both your relationship and in parenting.

This means having conversations and asking her what would feel supportive, what her thoughts are, including her in decisions about the household, and working together on establishing/communicating to the family what the expectations/rules are for the household as a team.

As a co-parent, there are ways to be supportive of the stepmom in your children’s lives (with the same note with stepfathers, seeing as the children are safe and taken care of, of course).

Encourage the relationship with the kids and her
Speak positively of her and her role in your children’s lives
Remove any pressure of loyalty binds
Respect any boundaries surrounding separate household rules or communications

All of these strategies can foster a positive united support system for children’s well-being.

Finding Compassion for Yourself

If you’re feeling burnt out or chronically exhausted as a stepmom, please be gentle with yourself.

I always thought the hardest, and most incredible, thing I’ve ever done was become a parent… until I became a stepparent.

Finding your footing as a stepmom does not happen overnight.

It’s not something you dreamt of wanting to be as a child growing up or like anything you’ve learned about in home economics class.

It can also be so, so isolating.

Balancing all the different needs of others—managing schedules, explaining family dynamics at schools or extracurriculars, coordinating with friend’s families, can be a lot.

Trying to stay positive amidst everyone else’s confusion, questioning, or negativity can produce some serious inflammation on top of it all.

The truth is though, if the shoe fits, you don’t have to walk in it alone.

The Importance of Connection

According to the Pew Research Center (2011), approximately 12% of women in the United States are cohabitating with a partner who has children under the age of 18.

Compassion and connections in stepmotherhood are vital in combating outsider syndrome and processing complex emotions, without being viewed as a villain for doing so.

Clearly, there are many other stepmoms and various ways to connect with them that can be complemented by getting some professional support.

The health of a garden doesn’t just rely on one person, but by support and care from everyone.

Healthy “gardening” of families requires multiple relationships adjusting simultaneously.

Complexity and ongoing changes are a normal part of the process.

You don’t need a perfect royal palace or to blister your feet up in those shiny glass slippers just the right connections, self-compassion and a team that backs you up.

References

Even. (2025). Still wicked? Pop culture perpetuates negative stereotypes of stepmothers, study shows [Research report]. Anglia Ruskin University. https://www.thesun.co.uk/tv/34471857/on-screen-stepmothers-negatively-influence-real-life-perceptions/

Pew Research Center. (2011). A portrait of stepfamilies. Pew Research Center’s Social & Demographic Trends Project. pewresearch.org

Written 8/30/26

August 31, 2026

The Living Garden: One Garden, Many Roots Finding His Place: Understanding the Stepfather’s Role in a Blended Family

The role of a stepfather can be complicated. Hollywood’s depiction of stepfathers is much sparser than stepmothers, but general stereotypes of stepfathers portray them either as over-the-top competitors or comedic outsiders.

Hollywood’s Stepfather Stereotypes

For example, in the film Daddy’s Home, audiences laugh as the children’s dad and stepdad compete for affection and approval of the children. Similarly, the movie Stepbrothers mostly focuses on a stepsibling rivalry, but does contain notes of skepticism and resistance of acceptance for the stepfather, even though the stepchildren are adults. This really highlights that one of the biggest struggles of a stepfather’s journey is finding their place.

Finding His Place in a Blended Family

Building trust, establishing healthy boundaries and developing meaningful relationships with stepchildren takes time, patience and understanding from everyone involved.

Understanding the role of a stepfather begins with setting aside stereotypes and recognizing that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to becoming part of a blended family.

The Stepfather’s Role Takes Time

Research indicates that it takes minimally 4-7 years for complex stepfamilies to have a solid sense of stable family identity, maybe even longer.

The “Head of Household” Expectations

Oftentimes, outside of blended families, gender roles and societal expectations are often pushed on the primary adult male as the “head of household.” That stereotypically comes with expectations of being the primary disciplinarian of the children, financial provider and protector of the family.

Without getting into whether or not these stereotypes are right or wrong, expectations for the “head of the house,” accompanied by the blended family timeline, that can extend this longer probably feels like a constant losing battle.

When Family Dynamics Get More Complicated

It’s much more complicated when you take into account whether or not that stepparent has children of their own or how involved the stepchildren’s other household parent is.

It might be easier for a child to be receptive to a stepfather if their other parent has little to no involvement.

Conversely, if a father is involved in their child’s life and the co-parenting relationship between primary parents is tense or high-conflict, that may increase resistance from a child to accept a stepfather whenever he tries to enforce rules in their household.

When Protection Gets Complicated

Additionally, the protection elements are very difficult to maneuver when you see your partner/spouse be disrespected by children or their coparent.

Being witness to or hearing about these issues sometimes makes the stepfather feel inclined to get involved in parenting/co-parenting issues.

As a stepfather, you might be indirectly or directly pressured to get involved in hopes of supporting your partner or the children, but this approach can exacerbate the issue(s) and directly set flames to your relationship with your stepchildren.

When Both Partners Have Children

It becomes especially difficult to maintain the role of provider, protector, and disciplinarian when both partners in a relationship have children because it is also common for them to have differences in parenting strategies, regardless of compatibility.

Building Trust Before Authority

Typically, a child’s primary caregiver serves as their safe “home base,” with a natural bond built through established trust, familiarity, and connection.

If a stepparent comes in and immediately demands things like respect or trust without patience and limited understanding of children’s development or blended family dynamics, then that’s a recipe for disaster for everyone involved.

Building a Bond First

The best strategy as a stepfather is to build a bond (again, this takes time and is slow), establish trust, and slowly transition to only assisting the primary parent with things like discipline and expectations/rules.

The primary parent should be the one to take on most of the discipline seeing as though the stepfather needs to build a bond and trust with the kids.

Ways to Build Trust

Trust can be built by being interested in the child’s interests, modeling a healthy relationship and conflict resolution skills with their primary parent, and following through with the set expectations as the adult in a calm manner.

Stepfathers that engage with and inquire about thoughts/feelings of the kids as much as possible promote healthy relationships.

When Stepchildren Are Upset

If your stepchildren are expressing disinterest or are upset/angry with you, then do your best not to get discouraged.

Children are much more naturally forgiving of their primary parent; however, they can be forgiving towards you as well.

Taking ownership of your mistakes and continuing to attempt to be close to them shows them that you actually care.

Ways to Be Supportive of Stepfathers and Stepchildren

As the partner/spouse of a stepfather, you can have conversations with your partner to discuss expectations and child-rearing strategies prior to the relationship.

Listening to Everyone’s Experiences

Asking your partner and children about their experiences, observations and feelings/thoughts can be incredibly validating as well to better balance the needs of the stepfather and your children.

This way, the two of you can integrate any adaptations or accommodations needed as the family dynamics and expectations change (and they will as kids get older).

Making Time for Individual Relationships

Other ways to support stepfathers and stepchildren are to spend time separately and individually with everyone.

I understand this can be tricky sometimes with work, school, and extracurricular schedules but encouraging time spent for everyone to be heard while being able to have fun and bond is critical for relationship development.

Supporting the Stepfather-Child Relationship

If you are the co-parent and seeing that your children are safe and loved in their other household, then also hearing them out about their stepfather and encouraging that relationship can be supportive as well, even if there are conflicts between the other co-parent and yourself.

Reassuring Children About Loyalty

Assuring your children that there are no loyalty binds, that you as a father are not threatened (in kid-speak, of course!) If you have the inkling or directly hear that they are worried about that can really help ease a strain between the children and their stepfather so they are more receptive to bonding with him.

The Importance of Feeling Loved, Cared For, and Safe

The most important thing is that children feel loved, cared for, and safe so having an additional adult to physically, financially, emotionally support, and potentially love them only adds to their well-being.

Finding His Place in the Garden

I genuinely hope this blog is validating that stepfathers experience struggles and difficulties specific to their role and role development.

It’s more complicated than just having good intentions.

The relationship with stepdads and their stepchildren are slow to strengthen, but can be incredibly rewarding and net positive for the children and adults alike.

Even if the kids don’t call him dad, and especially if there’s a fire.

References

Papernow, P. L. (2013). Surviving and thriving in stepfamily relationships: What works and what doesn’t. Routledge.

Written 8/13/26

August 13, 2026

The Living Garden: One Garden, Many Roots: What is a Blended Family?

What Is a Blended Family?

The term “blended family” came about in the 1970s to soften more negative connotations impressed by the term “stepfamily,” which most often pertained to divorced and remarried couples with children, according to Merriam-Webster (n.d.)

A blended family is used more broadly now as a term for any family that has stepparents, stepchildren, stepsiblings, or half-siblings, although those labels and dynamics vary. These families are also not necessarily a product of a parent’s passing or divorce. They can also be single-parent families, stepchildren adopted families, or families unified by cohabitation. In sum, the term “blended” carries a lot of different sizes, shapes, and meanings.

To be honest, I’ve never understood the term “blended” in reference to describing a family. Thinking about a “blender” mixing everyone all up doesn’t feel like an accurate depiction of what really happens within blended families. Stepparents, children, primary parents, half-siblings, and extensions of these families don’t all “blend” together to make one giant smoothie…and it’s definitely not smooth.

When I was growing up, I didn’t call my siblings “half” siblings—they were just my brothers and sisters; however, I understand the term is blanketed for covering complexities amongst families where (sometimes) it’s important to know who is who.

I think a more accurate and beautiful visual for blended families is a living garden where different plants grow in one space. Each plant is unique, brings its own strengths/fruits, and faces its own challenges. Sometimes, the plants need to be moved from place to place to ensure they get all of their needs sufficiently met.

One garden, many roots.

Blended Families in the United States

Approximately 17% of children in the United States live in blended families, according to Hays (2026). This means that almost one in five children in the country have at least one parent who is remarried or cohabiting with a new partner after divorce or separation, have siblings with at least one different parent, and/or are legally adopted by a stepparent.

There are so many common challenges to be aware of, as well as an exorbitant amount of positives that come from being in a blended family.

Common Challenges for Blended Families

Common challenges that blended families experience are adjusting to new family roles, building trust and relationships between stepparents and stepchildren, sibling rivalry/stepsibling rivalry, co-parenting with former partners, financial changes and stressors, managing holidays/traditions/family schedules, differences in parenting styles and household roles, loyalty conflicts and binds between children and parents, and more.

Safety and security, both physical and emotional, should be a number one priority for blended families. Emotions can run high and blended family burnout can come quicker with these dynamics since blended families tend to experience increased challenges that nuclear families do not experience.

The Benefits of Blended Families

Benefits or positives of blended families are additional sources of support (love, financial, emotional, etc), new relationships/opportunities for healthy bonds, more positive adult role models, expanded family traditions, extended family, increased resilience and coping skills, and greater appreciation for relationships.

Despite not having any current research for “success” rates of blended families, with patience, realistic expectations, proper communication, and support, blended families are able to overcome challenges to fertilize and grow a beautiful living garden that blooms and fruits super “seed” everything else, and make it all worth it.

References

Hays, J. (2026). 5 facts about U.S. children living in blended families. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2026/04/21/5-facts-about-u-s-children-living-in-blended-families/

Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Blended family. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/blended%20family

August 12, 2026August 13, 2026

The Living Garden: One Garden, Many Roots

Meet the Writer

Hi! I’m a Licensed Professional Counselor, a mom, a stepmom, and someone who’s spent most of my life living in the wonderfully complicated world of blended families. I grew up in a big blended family with eight siblings, and as an adult, I’ve experienced life with stepparents, too. Today, I also have the joy (and occasional chaos) of helping raise four amazing kids in my own blended family.

Some people collect hobbies—I seem to collect family roles.

Through The Living Garden: One Garden, Many Roots, I’ll be digging into the research behind blended families while keeping things practical, relatable, and grounded in real life. We’ll explore everything from stepparenting and co-parenting to communication, boundaries, loyalty binds, and why “just treat them like your own” may be one of the most well-intentioned—but least helpful—pieces of advice out there.

Blended families don’t need to look like anyone else’s to be healthy and thriving. Like any good garden, they grow at their own pace, with their own mix of roots, seasons, and surprises.

I’m so glad you’re here. I hope you’ll pull up a chair, stay awhile, and grow with me.

August 10, 2026August 10, 2026

Changing the Stigma

A New Definition of Strength

Men grow up receiving all sorts of messages about what they can and cannot do when it comes to emotions and vulnerability. Thankfully, those messages are beginning to be challenged, as the United States has shown an increase in men seeking mental health treatment. According to Panchal and Lo (2024), mental health treatment across demographic groups has increased significantly between the years 2019 and 2022, including for men.

With Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month having just passed in June, this blog is going to highlight contributing factors to mental health issues for men, barriers to seeking care, and ways that loved ones can help to support so that men/boys can seek adequate mental health care without believing they are any less for it.

The Importance of Men’s Mental Health

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention ([CDC] 2025), 80% of the suicide deaths in the United States occurred in males. That’s not because males experience higher rates of suicidal ideation or symptoms of suicidality, but because males are less likely to seek mental health care, combined with increased social isolation, higher engagement rates of substance use, and using more lethal means (CDC, 2025).

Additionally, the messages males often receive are that they need to handle things all on their own in order to uphold others’ expectations and truly be “a man.”

As a daughter, sister, mother, and wife, I feel very passionately about bringing awareness to this silent suffering largely as a result of cultural norms surrounding masculinity, especially since these messages are often conflicting. Challenging these messages as a loved one can mean the difference between untreated depression, anxiety, negative self-esteem/body image, and more.

Messages Boys and Men Receive

“Boys don’t cry”, “man up”, and “be strong” are common messages that boys/men receive from the beginning of their childhood and throughout their lifetimes.

Unfortunately, while these are common societally gender influenced messages that constantly bombard men/boys, these messages are not just conveyed in schools, workplaces, or social media. Oftentimes, these messages are communicated right in the comfort of their own homes.

Parents, siblings, partners/spouses, and friends, despite good intent, can send signals that make it difficult for men/boys to have a strong sense of belonging, confidence, and self-worth.

Warning Signs to Look For

There are common warning signs to look out for that might indicate mental health struggles for men/boys.

Irritability or anger, changes in sleep or appetite, withdrawal or isolation from loved ones, loss of interest in activities, increased substance use, or working excessively can all be signs of suppressing difficulties.

Additionally, because men/boys oftentimes try to avoid bringing any of these things as a greater problem or issue at all, that might mean a need for increased gentleness and care when addressing these symptoms.

How Loved Ones Can Help

Some ways to be supportive of the boys and men in your life when acknowledging mental health struggles are to check in, stay present, and normalize emotions.

It may sound simple, but by not avoiding their emotions, shifting the emotional focus, or personalizing their emotions, we can create an emotionally safer room.

Attention shifting towards the reassurance of someone else, addressing another person’s interpretation of a situation, or focusing on how the other people have been impacted by an experience is a sentiment that I professionally hear about frequently from men that is frustrating or discouraging.

Checking in means genuinely asking how they’re doing, asking open-ended questions, and being accepting of the emotions that are brought to the table, even if they are uncomfortable.

Generally, there is no intent to communicate shame or minimize the emotions experienced by men by loved ones, but the subtle cues of body language, tone of voice, and sometimes direct expressions of emotional discomfort in a moment of vulnerability can quickly shatter any little bit of trust potentially given.

This can lead to further suppression of and permeated beliefs about emotional safety when, given the stats, our men/boys so clearly need it.

Creating Change

Every person deserves respect, compassion and safety.

When men and boys are given the ability to share their emotions without fear of being dismissed, compared, or redirected, they are more likely to develop emotional awareness, healthy relationships, and resilience.

The quote, “Be the change you wish to see in the world,” resonates here as we can all do our best to model emotional attunement, care, and empathy so that mental health advocacy prevails.

References

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2025). Suicide data and statistics. https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/facts/data.html

Panchal, N., & Lo, J. (2024). Exploring the rise in mental health care use by demographics and insurance status. KFF. https://www.kff.org/mental-health/exploring-the-rise-in-mental-health-care-use-by-demographics-and-insurance-status/

Written 7/20/26

July 28, 2026July 28, 2026

More Than a Pet: Understanding the Deep Grief of Losing a Beloved Companion

My Best Friend

Almost three years ago, I lost my best friend. She was the best listener, always gave me hugs, comforted me when I was sad, and was there for me through everything. Her big, brown eyes always softened with love anytime she saw me. Her smile was my favorite. She and I were together for 13 years.

Every time I think about her, my chest tightens and I can feel tears welling behind my eyes. It doesn’t matter that 1) she was a dog and 2) it’s been three years since she passed. Let me tell you why.

The Bond Between Humans and Animals

Her being a dog does not make the grief any less. For those who have not experienced deep connection with an animal, it is much like a relationship with another person. For many, a bond between pet and human can emulate family relationships. Pets of all kinds provide comfort during difficult moments, build fond memories, and implement structure and daily routines.

My dog was there in a span of 13 years for graduations, moving homes, the birth of my son, relationship beginnings and endings, and so much more. She and I went on trips together (camping was her favorite!), family nighttime walks, and hikes. There’s an unexplainable love that exists with animals and their humans. In many ways, she taught me love.

The Science Behind Our Connection

While love is pretty abstract, this type of bond makes sense even from a scientific perspective when thinking of attachment theory. Human beings are built and wired for connection. We seek relationships that provide safety, security and comfort, especially during times of stress.

Initially, this bond begins with our parents/caregivers, but what I learned through personal experience is that this can manifest through animal/human relationships as well. She was the constant. No matter what I went through, she loved me, comforted me, and was always game for some sort of adventure.

This is where there is capacity for even closer relationships than between humans, because pets are not privy to communicating social judgments, criticisms, or expectations. They tend to be content with basic needs being met and forthcoming with an abundance of love and affection as a result.

Why Pet Loss Can Feel So Painful

The second common misconception mentioned earlier was that because it was pet loss, the grief should be shorter or not as big as if it were a human loss. Three years may seem like a long time, but as bereavement counselor Lois Tonkin so eloquently states, “You don’t get over grief. You grow around it.”

Grief is one of the most complex emotions we can experience. It can come not only with death, but loss in various forms—relationship endings, moving, losing a job, etc. There are many layers to grief.

With losing a pet, misunderstandings from others on the grief severity can further exacerbate loneliness and confusion. Grief can impact emotional, physical and mental well-being.

It can show up as:

Distractedness
Changes in appetite or sleep
Isolation
Sadness or tearfulness
Anger or irritability
Forgetfulness/“grief brain”
Substance use
And more

Finding Ways to Navigate Pet Loss

When I lost my dog, some of the most helpful things in navigating that grief was having a burial for her, printing out pictures, getting her paw print for traditions in holidays, sharing with others my feelings and need for support, and counseling.

Everyone’s grief shows up differently, but if you start to notice that your grief is impacting one or more of these areas of your life, getting some additional support can be a beneficial way to process that grief.

There is no timeline for grief, so please be gentle with yourself or others experiencing pet loss.

Written 6/29/26

June 3, 2026June 3, 2026

The Blended Family Chronicles: When Should I Introduce My New Partner to My Children?

Introduction

One of the most common questions I get in working with couples who have children is, “When do I introduce my partner to my kids/the kids to each other?” This is a GREAT question because it is pointed towards the needs of the children and their well-being. There isn’t a single correct answer because timelines will be different based on various factors. Let’s talk about ideal introduction timelines and what is truly important in “blended” beginnings.

Focus on Stability and Quality, Not Time

The biggest focal points should be stability and quality, not time. This is usually for the purpose of establishing some stability in the relationship so children are less prone to exposure of repeated transitions and/or potentially broken attachments (Ganong & Coleman, 2018; King, 2009).

There is less emphasis and little research on a specific timeline; however, there are general recommendations to wait at least 6-12 months before introductions so that some longevity and stability can be established.

Why Taking It Slow Matters

According to Jensen (2025), the healthiest relationships between step-parents, step-children, and step-siblings developed slowly, with low pressure/expectations, and by giving the children some say in the relationship pace.

Adult step-family children reported wanting to take things slow in relationship building, trust, and bonding, usually over a span of years.

If parents and partners have expectations that the children are immediately going to bond with them/their children, even with the best intent, this can oftentimes backfire to delay or damage the relationship.

Additionally, kids are already likely experiencing difficulty with all of the life changes and transitions that come with their parents having separated/divorced. Children feeling this additional pressure for emotional closeness with their parents’ partners or children of partners might build resentment, anxiety or distrust instead of the hopeful closeness.

Preparing for Introductions

Understandably, a person might not want to move forward with full commitment in a relationship until they are reassured that the potential partner is good with their children, has similar goals/values when it comes to family/parenting, and there is evidence for quality relationship(s).

Here are some good general tips for introductions and relationship exploration/development.

Tips for Introducing a New Partner and Blending Families

Consider Your Children’s Unique Circumstances

Consider the ages of the children, their awareness of whether or not you are dating/in a relationship, and the current co-parenting dynamics between yourself and the kids’ other parent. These are important features to take note of before jumping right into introductions for a multitude of reasons.

Getting a better understanding of what the experience might be like for the kids from all fronts is helpful in anxiety/stress reduction and encouragement of strong relationship development.

Introduce Partners Before Introducing Children to Each Other

If both partners have children, then introducing partners individually to the kids before introducing the kids to each other is probably a good idea so that the kids all feel less overwhelmed with balancing multiple relationships. This gives the kids time to feel out the partner and ask their parent more questions to assure safety and security.

When Only One Partner Has Children

If only one partner has children, then getting to know the other person’s experiences and understanding of children, as well as that partner doing some research to better understand children at that age, interests, common problems/conflicts, etc., would be helpful for everyone.

Create Low-Pressure Opportunities for Connection

Focusing on the personalities and interests of the children. A low-pressure environment can ease tension. Find something fun and engaging for everyone to do. This will depend on what the interests of the children are.

For example, if the child prefers quiet, non-stimulating environments, then it wouldn’t be recommended to take them to a carnival with lots of noise, people, and smells. Maybe you learn they love to read, so you can go to Barnes and Noble or a library to ask them to show you what types of books they like.

Remember That Parents Are the Home Base

Remember that the parent is their home base. Never force a child to spend time with someone they do not want to spend time with or feel uncomfortable with.

Take things slow, ask them what their thoughts are, and get their feedback while tending to their feelings for optimal care.

Final Thoughts

Whatever the circumstances, blending families and introducing new relationships is hard. It takes time to build.

If more specific guidance is needed, continuing to read books, do research, or potentially find a counselor to discuss concerns can all be beneficial.

If done well, despite difficulties, blended family life can be rewarding and full of love.

References

Ganong, L., & Coleman, M. (2018). Studying stepfamilies: Four eras of family scholarship. Family Process, 57(1), 7–24. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12307

Jensen, T. M. (2025). Advice for new stepparents from the perspective of stepchildren who experienced stepfamily formation during adolescence. Journal of Family Issues. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X251347321

King, V. (2009). Stepfamily formation: Implications for adolescent ties to mothers, nonresident fathers, and stepfathers. Journal of Marriage and Family, 71(4), 954–968. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2009.00646.

Written 5/31/26

June 3, 2026June 6, 2026

Parentification: When a Child Takes on Adult Responsibilities

What Is Parentification?

If you were told as a kid that you were “mature for your age” or “wise beyond your years”, you might have been what’s called a “parentified child.” Parentification, a subcategory of abuse, is when a child and their caretaker reverse roles, so the child is expected to take on adult responsibilities and/or emotions that their caretaker or parent should have been in charge of handling. Role reversal can have a harmful impact on the development of children and their future relationships.

The Two Types of Parentification

According to Guy-Evans (2025), there are two types of parentification.

Instrumental Parentification

Instrumental parentification is when a child takes on physical or child-care responsibilities, like getting a job to help pay bills, assuming parental duties for siblings like emotional comfort, “babysitting” or driving siblings places without a choice, and maintaining upkeep of the household, separate from typical chores.

Emotional Parentification

Emotional parentification is when a child is a “confidant” or “therapist” for their parent. Raypole (2024) also calls this type of parentification “emotional incest”, differentiating this type by a parent treating their child more like a romantic partner than their child.

Emotional incest/parentification looks like a child managing or taking on the emotions of the parent, providing comfort, advice and loyalty to the parent unable to manage their own “adult” emotions. Guy-Evans (2025) states the child might try to keep the parent calm when that parent is dysregulated, be expected to keep secrets, listen to the parent’s problems, and/or take actions that the parent insists the child do in order for the parent to emotionally stabilize.

The emphasis in emotional parentification is on the parent’s well-being, not the child’s, and is not developmentally appropriate or healthy for the child.

Signs of Parentification

Common signs of parentification in childhood include being “mature” for your age, difficulty with prioritizing personal needs over the needs of others, caretaking of others, calm situations being uncomfortable, and feeling grief when reflecting on childhood (Guy-Evans, 2025).

It can also present as needing to “fix” or “rescue” people, difficulty saying “no”, anxiety when trying to rest or relax, seeking validation through productivity or helpfulness, and difficulty asking for help (Guy-Evans, 2025).

Long-Term Effects of Parentification

Parentified children often experience symptoms of anxiety, perfectionism, and missed developmental milestones, with anxiety being the most common feature, particularly in social situations (Guha, 2021).

These symptoms are the result of a child needing to maintain a connection with their parent (please refer to research on “attachment theory”) and thus adapting to the circumstances in order to maintain that connection, despite the lack of the child’s emotional and physiological needs being met.

According to Guha (2021), this creates a sense of fear and helplessness for the developing child. The child perceives that the world around them is dangerous and requires adaptations for “survival” that would not have otherwise been present had the child felt safe to be a child.

Who Is Most at Risk?

Most at-risk are children who have parents with substance abuse problems, suffer from mental illness/chronic illness or health concerns, are immigrants/refugees, or are single/divorced.

Adults who were also victims of parentification are more likely to carry that forward with their own children (Dariotis, et al, 2023).

According to Buie (2026), parents are oftentimes unaware that they are parentifying their child. Despite this, Buie (2026) states that parentification usually happens in private, away from “other adults who could point it out” or step in to care for the child.

Healing From Parentification

The longer these behaviors continue, the more detrimental the negative effects. Building a supportive network as a parentifying adult or expanding resources to eliminate these behaviors is critical for personal well-being, relationships and family care.

There are also resources available to help someone who might have been parentified as a child and experiencing any of these symptoms.

Beginning therapy with a focus on attachment work (Psychology Today, 2025), learning boundaries, practicing mindfulness and self-compassion can encourage healing.

Books like Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, Running on Empty by Jonice Webb, and The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van Der Kolk can provide further education on family roles, emotional neglect, childhood stress and trauma.

It’s time to take care of yourself and your needs.

References

Buie, E. (2026). Stolen childhoods: Divorce and emotional parentification. Psychology Today.

Dariotis, J. K., Chen, F. R., Park, Y. R., Nowak, M. K., French, K. M., & Codamon, A. M. (2023). Parentification vulnerability, reactivity, resilience, and thriving: A mixed methods systematic literature review. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(13), 6197.

Guha, A. (2021). The parentified child in adulthood. Psychology Today.

Guy-Evans, O. (2025). Parentification effects: How growing up too fast impacts adulthood. Simply Psychology.

Psychology Today. (2025). Parentification. Psychology Today.

Raypole, C. (2022). How to recognize and heal from emotional incest. Healthline.

Written 5/18/26

February 13, 2026February 17, 2026

Choosing Connection Over Comparison: Rethinking Valentine’s Day

Love is in the air! As a couple’s therapist, I carry zero shame about my Valentine’s Day obsession. It is absolutely my favorite holiday. I love love.

Understandably, not everyone shares that same sentiment.

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching (Hello, February!?), there is often pressure for couples to publicly display their love and affection. There are reservations to schedule, gifts to purchase, romantic trips to plan, photos to post…it can feel like a lot.

If you’re not super enthusiastic about celebrating the day—or don’t care to pay attention to it at all—that’s okay. And if you’d like to celebrate but aren’t sure how, let’s explore ways to make it more aligned with your relationship needs.

The Pressure Behind the Holiday

Many people question the holiday’s cultural origins or dislike the idea of focusing on relationships for just one day. Others find it overstimulating to go out when “a billion” other people are doing the same thing.

There can also be mismatched preferences between partners, performative pressures, relationship comparisons, and unspoken expectations. All of these can create tension.

According to Choi (2023), social media data using “Valentine’s Day” as the keyword showed the most associated term was “shop,” even over the word “love.” Recent Google searches focused heavily on Nike Valentine’s Day Air Force 1s and Squishmallows.

Societal and commercial forces often push material expressions of love instead of relational meaning. It’s easy to feel like the day is about what you buy rather than how you connect.

Connection Doesn’t Have to Cost a Thing

If you’re ballin’ on a budget and hoping to “slam dunk” without buying expensive shoes, there are meaningful ways to celebrate that are completely free—or finance-friendly.

Consider making a meal together, playing games at home, taking a walk at a favorite park (especially with this beautiful Arizona weather!), creating a homemade card, writing a love letter, or asking each other intentional relationship questions.

Simple doesn’t mean insignificant. In fact, it often means more.

The Comparison Trap

Pressures and comparisons can easily create resentment, disappointment, or doubts about compatibility.

Social media makes everything look possible—without fully representing reality. We see curated snapshots of “perfect” relationships and romantic gestures. But even couples who build brands around their love stories still face real-life challenges.

Trying to photo-op every romantic moment can amplify pressure to appear “perfectly in love” instead of cozying up in the mindful moments that truly make relationships meaningful.

The photos shouldn’t replace presence.

Love Beyond Romance

If you prefer unconventional celebrations—or you’re not in a romantic relationship—creating your own traditions can be incredibly special.

When I was growing up, my mom gifted my siblings and me a simple treat every Valentine’s Day. Now I carry that tradition forward with my own kids. It’s a reminder that intimate relationships aren’t the only important ones in life.

“Galentine’s” and “Palentine’s” celebrations have also grown in popularity. Whether it’s a movie night, a weekend trip, a dinner out, or a cozy night in catching up, connection is the real reward.

Traditions That Carry Meaning

Finding something meaningful outside the typical dinner-and-gifts routine can deepen tenderness.

For example, every Valentine’s Day my grandpa would fill a tiny heart-shaped vase with red carnations for my grandma. After he passed, my aunts continued the tradition. Now my spouse fills that same vase with red carnations for me each year.

Grandma holding the heart vase with flowers from grandpa in 2002.
Photo coutesy of: Donnella Corey

It fills my heart cup right up—not because of the flowers themselves, but because of the meaning behind them.

Traditions create emotional continuity. They remind us that love is layered, generational, and deeply personal.

Preparing for the Day (So It Doesn’t Prepare You)

However you choose to spend Valentine’s Day—or not—you can prepare by identifying what’s important to you and your partner.

Ask yourself: What would feel meaningful this year? What feels like pressure? What expectations need to be clarified?

Having these conversations ahead of time can prevent disappointment, mawkishness, or resentment.

Then you can structure the day (or an alternative time) around genuine celebration instead of obligation.

Take or leave the sap—Valentine’s Day can be a day of connection for everyone.

References

Choi, J. A. (2023). Commercialization of Valentine’s Day on social media. Montclair State University. DigitalCommons@Montclair. https://digitalcommons.montclair.edu/

Written 01/31/26