Donnella Lincoln, Author at Arizona Relationship Institute

March 29, 2024March 31, 2024

We Are Love

Growing up, I changed my mind about what I wanted to be a few times. My earliest career choice was as a singer/performer. Then it changed to President. Then journalist, actress, teacher and finally, counselor.

I was very active and involved in high school. I was on my school’s newspaper, the theater state board and high school board, was the school’s news anchor, on yearbook, was student teaching a 1st grade English Language Learners class, was in advanced/pre-college courses, etc. I lived and breathed school. I was also in a serious relationship.

That relationship took a lot of my energy and focus. He did not have a supportive, healthy family, had eventually dropped out of school, and did not want me to go to college. After high school, I hadn’t applied to the university I wanted to go to, and we moved in together. I became pregnant with our son and eventually dropped out of the community college I was attending to focus on working and taking care of our household. Around a year after our son was born, our situation became dangerous and, to protect our son, I ended the relationship.

So, he left. And I was left to pick up the pieces. Our circumstances were highly traumatic—but I leaned on my supports and worked hard to provide for us. We sacrificed a lot. His dad was legally obligated to help, but didn’t, and I didn’t pursue it. Our son didn’t deserve that.

I wasn’t even angry for myself. I probably should have been. I was just so heartbroken for my son. But here, I let love win. Because that’s what we needed.

I went back to school. Associate’s to Bachelor’s to Master’s. Worked multiple jobs to make ends meet. Spent time with my son, tried to balance my social life/relationships, slept where I could. Moments of sadness transformed sometimes into spirals of anger.

Somehow, I stayed living in love. It kept me from resorting to attacks, pursuing “justice”, and inviting chaos back into our lives. I was deeply hurt but recognized that my desire to “do” something other than focus on my own relationship with my son and our well-being would have been BECAUSE I was hurt. So the saying goes that “hurt people hurt people.” It wouldn’t have served a purpose. It would have clouded my judgement and blocked love in my heart.

There are so many times, even now, where a specific Game of Thrones scene pops into my head. The Queen of Dragons, who wishes to change the world, end slavery, and protect the lives of innocent people, lets a moment of deep pain and trauma trigger her into violating her own values and beliefs—which are grounded in love. She calls upon her dragon, Dracarys, to burn a whole city filled with innocent lives in order to avenge her most trusted confidant and advisor’s murder.

Moving On After Ending A Relationship

After starting graduate school, I knew that I wanted to specialize working with relationships. Shortly after, I met the loves of my life. My son and I are now a part of a beautiful, blended family. My son now has siblings and I have a teammate. A man that loves and protects us, that is a loving partner and father. I do the work that I do because I believe in love so much. It is always there. It’s our natural state. We are all born full of love and just hoping to have that need fulfilled; we need to be connected for literal survival. We just have to allow it to show itself.

While hurt people may hurt people, hurt people may also love people. Hurt people may also heal people. We are able to break the cycles of pain and instead, move with love. You are Love. We are Love.

February 25, 2024March 2, 2024

How Self Esteem Plays a Role in Healthy Relationships

Having healthy relationships and connections with others is imperative to our overall health and wellness as humans. We are built for connection. However, we often don’t consider how our relationship with and view of ourselves impacts our relationships and individual health. There is a quote that says, “we accept the love we think we deserve.” If we do not have a positive view of ourselves, it seems unlikely that we would have healthy and fulfilling relationships with others.

What is Self Esteem?

Self-esteem can be defined as one’s confidence and value in themselves. It is how we see ourselves and thus impacts how we relate to others and the world. It involves our own opinions, beliefs, judgements, feelings and values about ourselves.

People who exude confidence and practice good self-care habits have better self-esteem because they place value in themselves (GoodTherapy, 2018). If we value ourselves, we are motivated to take care of ourselves with positive self-talk, healthy mental/physical nutrition, and a loving/supportive network. Conversely, those with low self-esteem are more likely to suffer from mental and physical health concerns like depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and/or substance use (Henriksen, Ranøyen, Indrdavik, & Stenseng, 2017).

Overcoming Criticism and Negative Judgement

Self-esteem plays a vital role in mental and physical well-being, particularly for developing adolescents. While self-esteem generally increases as people get older, there are big differences for self-esteem depending on age and gender (American Psychological Association, 2016). As a child, if we feel listened to, respected and accepted, we are more likely to grow up having higher self-esteem and confidence in our abilities. If we experience more criticism, negative judgement and doubt for mistakes or our abilities as a child, it is more likely to negatively impact our self-esteem and lead to behavioral and mental health problems (Sussex Publishers, 2019).

Low self-worth can be chronic and ongoing or triggered by an event, stress and/or trauma. Practicing mindfulness and identifying what your triggers are, what the negative thoughts/dialogue sounds like, and with who/where you’re experiencing more self-doubt can be helpful in implementing change.

Therapy for Low Self Esteem & Building Confidence

If you notice that you have low self-esteem and would like to work towards loving yourself more, therapy is a great place to start. In the meantime, you can practice daily affirmations, identifying and focusing on your strengths, and surrounding yourself with others that help you feel loved and accepted. It’s also important to remember that “comparison is the thief of happiness”, so comparing yourself to others is most likely going to be more harmful than helpful in increasing your self-esteem.

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship and marital psychologist and researcher, emphasizes the 5 to 1 ratio for positive to negative interactions in relationships for couples to maintain happiness and balance. My personal spin on this is to utilize the 5 to 1 ratio in our relationship with ourselves, which means catching our negative self-talk and thoughts, then being intentional with changing them to speak more positively, kindly and compassionately to ourselves.

“Remove the ‘I want you to like me’ sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs.”

American Psychological Association. (2016). Self-esteem gender gap more pronounced in western countries. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2016/01/self-esteem-gender
GoodTherapy. 2018. Confidence pick-me-up! self-esteem quotes to boost your mood. GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/confidence-pick-me-up-self-esteem-quotes-to-boost-your-mood-0526187
Henriksen IO, Ranøyen I, Indredavik MS, Stenseng F. 2017. The role of self-esteem in the development of psychiatric problems: a three-year prospective study in a clinical sample of adolescents. Child Adolesc Psychiatry Ment Health. 11:68. doi: 10.1186/s13034-017-0207-y. PMID: 29299058; PMCID: PMC5747942.
Sussex Publishers. (2019). The relationship with yourself. Psychology Today. https:/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sustainable-life-satisfaction/201906/the-relationship-yourself

February 5, 2024

Keeping the Spark Alive

Keeping the Spark In Your Relationship - Couples Advice from Therapist Donnella Lincoln - AZRI

Keeping the Spark Alive

By Donnella Lincoln

I’ve always thought of butterflies as a mixture of excitement and anxiety. Butterflies flutter when you’re standing onstage right before performing in a big show, right before jumping out of an airplane, or right before going on a first or second date with someone you really, really like.

The Honeymoon Phase of Relationships

A real butterfly’s lifespan lasts about 2-5 weeks, but when it comes to new relationships, those butterflies in your tummy can last just a little bit longer. It seems like, in the beginning, you and your partner can do no wrong—everything is amazing, carefree, and fun. This is typically known as “the honeymoon phase.” It lasts anywhere from a few months to a few years. At some point, however, that newness fades, relaxation sets in, and maybe even irritability or anxiety presides more often, prompting conflict to arise.

And that’s okay–we can work through some conflict. It’s alright if, before, we were blind to our partner’s flaws and missed that they folded towels differently than us, or that they leave dishes in the sink right after we finish cleaning them. We can handle differences in favorite types of movies or where we want to go out to eat for date night. After other big life transitions, like moving in together, getting married, or having children/pets, it seems like it gets harder and harder to overlook the little things. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had couples come in (whether they’ve been married for decades or dating for a couple years) tell me they wish that “things would be like they were before” or were like “the beginning.”

What To Do When the Butterflies in a Relationship Wear Off?

That’s a pretty tall order. How do we accomplish that? How can we go back to the way things were in the beginning? Or at least be excited and motivated to spend time with our partners so that we can feel close, safe and connected?

So many feel like the “spark” in their relationship is missing, which can cause some distress or panic because that then might feel like it equates to failure or the demise of the relationship. This isn’t necessarily true and continuing to remind yourself that your relationship is not done because the “spark” is gone is a good first step to keeping the relationship healthy.

How to Recover the Spark in a Relationship

I interviewed various couples to see how they keep that spark alive. One man, who has been married to his wife for over 40 years, lists important facets of his relationship like keeping his partner laughing, engaging in physical touch, checking in on how she’s doing emotionally and physically, and ensuring that they stay connected to loved ones in their family. He laughs, stating, “sparks are hard to come by when you’re 70-something.” All jokes aside, he emphasizes that communicating with your partner for continuous check-ins and treating your partner like they “can always get swept off their feet and offered more by someone else” is helpful in keeping them feeling cared for and loved.

Other interviewees suggested continuing to date your partner. A good rule of thumb is the 2-2-2 rule. Every 2 weeks, you go on a date night. Every 2 months, you go on a weekend getaway. Every 2 years, you take a big vacation together. This can be adjusted accordingly—3-3-3, or however works for you best, but the main point being to take the time to focus just on one another without any other responsibilities and do something enjoyable.

Advice For a Happier Relationship

No matter how long you and your honey have been together, it sounds like surefire ways you can keep those butterflies fluttering is by prioritizing time with them, finding ways to be playful, and avoiding just assuming that everything is always fine and dandy by giving them the opportunity to express themselves.

December 1, 2023December 2, 2023

The Gift of Boundaries

The Gift of Boundaries
By Donnella Lincoln

It’s no secret that self-care is important, especially during the holidays. Usually what comes to mind when self-care is mentioned is taking a vacation, getting your nails done, or treating yourself to your favorite dessert at the end of a long day, but there are other forms of (much needed) self-care.

Setting Boundaries During the Holiday Season

“No” can always be a complete sentence. Keeping your distance from strangers or those with ill-intentions towards you doesn’t need any explanation. ’Tis the Season, and you don’t need a reason, at least when it comes to setting boundaries, with anyone—even family, friends and loved ones; however, communicating those boundaries instead of ignoring or avoiding that person, situation or conversation can be incredibly nourishing to the relationships that are important to you.

Keeping A Healthy Relationship During the Holidays

If you’re going to have healthy relationships and communication with others, then you need to be able to identify what it is that makes you feel safe, respected, and/or loved. What are your boundaries? During the holidays, there are so many things that can come up where being able to express those boundaries can help lift a huge weight off your shoulders.

Help For Setting Boundaries

If you’re wondering how to assert yourself and still make the nice list, here at AZRI, we can help with a boundary script. Including each of these components into your dialogue increases your chances of your boundary being understood and respected since you will be mindfully and respectfully providing as much information as possible. It’s important that you feel like you can be yourself, so the expectation is not that you will be reading from the script word-for-word, but just that you find a way to incorporate each of these elements in a way that feels most natural for you.

1. 1. “When I saw you (heard you, felt you, discovered that you, noticed that you…)”
    
    Be specific, repeat what the person said/did literally as factually as possible
  2. “What I thought/made up about that is…”
    
    Make sure to use “I” instead of “you”, state your perception, interpretation, as it impacts you
  3. “And about that I feel…”
    
    Share your emotions (fear, joy, guilt, shame, loneliness, anger, etc.)
  4. “Therefore, I request…”
    
    State the boundary you will create and what it is you would like changed
  5. “If this happens again/comes up again”
    
    This is not a punishment or a way to manipulate or control someone else. It is something YOU will do in response to your boundary being violated. Be sure to set realistic expectations for yourself of what it is that you will do in response
  6. Thank them for listening, find ways to reinforce when/if they change, etc.

Whether you’re feeling exhausted about driving all over for the holidays, are trying to be better with your finances, do not feel welcomed with certain family members, have different spiritual beliefs than others, or everything in between, your feelings and needs matter.

You deserve to have healthy connections and feel respected in those, so setting and enforcing clear boundaries is a great way to accomplish that. Happy Holidays!

Author: Donnella Lincoln

We Are Love

Moving On After Ending A Relationship