Donnella Corey, Author at Arizona Relationship Institute

June 3, 2026June 3, 2026

The Blended Family Chronicles: When Should I Introduce My New Partner to My Children?

Introduction

One of the most common questions I get in working with couples who have children is, “When do I introduce my partner to my kids/the kids to each other?” This is a GREAT question because it is pointed towards the needs of the children and their well-being. There isn’t a single correct answer because timelines will be different based on various factors. Let’s talk about ideal introduction timelines and what is truly important in “blended” beginnings.

Focus on Stability and Quality, Not Time

The biggest focal points should be stability and quality, not time. This is usually for the purpose of establishing some stability in the relationship so children are less prone to exposure of repeated transitions and/or potentially broken attachments (Ganong & Coleman, 2018; King, 2009).

There is less emphasis and little research on a specific timeline; however, there are general recommendations to wait at least 6-12 months before introductions so that some longevity and stability can be established.

Why Taking It Slow Matters

According to Jensen (2025), the healthiest relationships between step-parents, step-children, and step-siblings developed slowly, with low pressure/expectations, and by giving the children some say in the relationship pace.

Adult step-family children reported wanting to take things slow in relationship building, trust, and bonding, usually over a span of years.

If parents and partners have expectations that the children are immediately going to bond with them/their children, even with the best intent, this can oftentimes backfire to delay or damage the relationship.

Additionally, kids are already likely experiencing difficulty with all of the life changes and transitions that come with their parents having separated/divorced. Children feeling this additional pressure for emotional closeness with their parents’ partners or children of partners might build resentment, anxiety or distrust instead of the hopeful closeness.

Preparing for Introductions

Understandably, a person might not want to move forward with full commitment in a relationship until they are reassured that the potential partner is good with their children, has similar goals/values when it comes to family/parenting, and there is evidence for quality relationship(s).

Here are some good general tips for introductions and relationship exploration/development.

Tips for Introducing a New Partner and Blending Families

Consider Your Children’s Unique Circumstances

Consider the ages of the children, their awareness of whether or not you are dating/in a relationship, and the current co-parenting dynamics between yourself and the kids’ other parent. These are important features to take note of before jumping right into introductions for a multitude of reasons.

Getting a better understanding of what the experience might be like for the kids from all fronts is helpful in anxiety/stress reduction and encouragement of strong relationship development.

Introduce Partners Before Introducing Children to Each Other

If both partners have children, then introducing partners individually to the kids before introducing the kids to each other is probably a good idea so that the kids all feel less overwhelmed with balancing multiple relationships. This gives the kids time to feel out the partner and ask their parent more questions to assure safety and security.

When Only One Partner Has Children

If only one partner has children, then getting to know the other person’s experiences and understanding of children, as well as that partner doing some research to better understand children at that age, interests, common problems/conflicts, etc., would be helpful for everyone.

Create Low-Pressure Opportunities for Connection

Focusing on the personalities and interests of the children. A low-pressure environment can ease tension. Find something fun and engaging for everyone to do. This will depend on what the interests of the children are.

For example, if the child prefers quiet, non-stimulating environments, then it wouldn’t be recommended to take them to a carnival with lots of noise, people, and smells. Maybe you learn they love to read, so you can go to Barnes and Noble or a library to ask them to show you what types of books they like.

Remember That Parents Are the Home Base

Remember that the parent is their home base. Never force a child to spend time with someone they do not want to spend time with or feel uncomfortable with.

Take things slow, ask them what their thoughts are, and get their feedback while tending to their feelings for optimal care.

Final Thoughts

Whatever the circumstances, blending families and introducing new relationships is hard. It takes time to build.

If more specific guidance is needed, continuing to read books, do research, or potentially find a counselor to discuss concerns can all be beneficial.

If done well, despite difficulties, blended family life can be rewarding and full of love.

References

Ganong, L., & Coleman, M. (2018). Studying stepfamilies: Four eras of family scholarship. Family Process, 57(1), 7–24. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12307

Jensen, T. M. (2025). Advice for new stepparents from the perspective of stepchildren who experienced stepfamily formation during adolescence. Journal of Family Issues. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X251347321

King, V. (2009). Stepfamily formation: Implications for adolescent ties to mothers, nonresident fathers, and stepfathers. Journal of Marriage and Family, 71(4), 954–968. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2009.00646.

Written 5/31/26

June 3, 2026June 6, 2026

Parentification: When a Child Takes on Adult Responsibilities

What Is Parentification?

If you were told as a kid that you were “mature for your age” or “wise beyond your years”, you might have been what’s called a “parentified child.” Parentification, a subcategory of abuse, is when a child and their caretaker reverse roles, so the child is expected to take on adult responsibilities and/or emotions that their caretaker or parent should have been in charge of handling. Role reversal can have a harmful impact on the development of children and their future relationships.

The Two Types of Parentification

According to Guy-Evans (2025), there are two types of parentification.

Instrumental Parentification

Instrumental parentification is when a child takes on physical or child-care responsibilities, like getting a job to help pay bills, assuming parental duties for siblings like emotional comfort, “babysitting” or driving siblings places without a choice, and maintaining upkeep of the household, separate from typical chores.

Emotional Parentification

Emotional parentification is when a child is a “confidant” or “therapist” for their parent. Raypole (2024) also calls this type of parentification “emotional incest”, differentiating this type by a parent treating their child more like a romantic partner than their child.

Emotional incest/parentification looks like a child managing or taking on the emotions of the parent, providing comfort, advice and loyalty to the parent unable to manage their own “adult” emotions. Guy-Evans (2025) states the child might try to keep the parent calm when that parent is dysregulated, be expected to keep secrets, listen to the parent’s problems, and/or take actions that the parent insists the child do in order for the parent to emotionally stabilize.

The emphasis in emotional parentification is on the parent’s well-being, not the child’s, and is not developmentally appropriate or healthy for the child.

Signs of Parentification

Common signs of parentification in childhood include being “mature” for your age, difficulty with prioritizing personal needs over the needs of others, caretaking of others, calm situations being uncomfortable, and feeling grief when reflecting on childhood (Guy-Evans, 2025).

It can also present as needing to “fix” or “rescue” people, difficulty saying “no”, anxiety when trying to rest or relax, seeking validation through productivity or helpfulness, and difficulty asking for help (Guy-Evans, 2025).

Long-Term Effects of Parentification

Parentified children often experience symptoms of anxiety, perfectionism, and missed developmental milestones, with anxiety being the most common feature, particularly in social situations (Guha, 2021).

These symptoms are the result of a child needing to maintain a connection with their parent (please refer to research on “attachment theory”) and thus adapting to the circumstances in order to maintain that connection, despite the lack of the child’s emotional and physiological needs being met.

According to Guha (2021), this creates a sense of fear and helplessness for the developing child. The child perceives that the world around them is dangerous and requires adaptations for “survival” that would not have otherwise been present had the child felt safe to be a child.

Who Is Most at Risk?

Most at-risk are children who have parents with substance abuse problems, suffer from mental illness/chronic illness or health concerns, are immigrants/refugees, or are single/divorced.

Adults who were also victims of parentification are more likely to carry that forward with their own children (Dariotis, et al, 2023).

According to Buie (2026), parents are oftentimes unaware that they are parentifying their child. Despite this, Buie (2026) states that parentification usually happens in private, away from “other adults who could point it out” or step in to care for the child.

Healing From Parentification

The longer these behaviors continue, the more detrimental the negative effects. Building a supportive network as a parentifying adult or expanding resources to eliminate these behaviors is critical for personal well-being, relationships and family care.

There are also resources available to help someone who might have been parentified as a child and experiencing any of these symptoms.

Beginning therapy with a focus on attachment work (Psychology Today, 2025), learning boundaries, practicing mindfulness and self-compassion can encourage healing.

Books like Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, Running on Empty by Jonice Webb, and The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van Der Kolk can provide further education on family roles, emotional neglect, childhood stress and trauma.

It’s time to take care of yourself and your needs.

References

Buie, E. (2026). Stolen childhoods: Divorce and emotional parentification. Psychology Today.

Dariotis, J. K., Chen, F. R., Park, Y. R., Nowak, M. K., French, K. M., & Codamon, A. M. (2023). Parentification vulnerability, reactivity, resilience, and thriving: A mixed methods systematic literature review. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(13), 6197.

Guha, A. (2021). The parentified child in adulthood. Psychology Today.

Guy-Evans, O. (2025). Parentification effects: How growing up too fast impacts adulthood. Simply Psychology.

Psychology Today. (2025). Parentification. Psychology Today.

Raypole, C. (2022). How to recognize and heal from emotional incest. Healthline.

Written 5/18/26

February 13, 2026February 17, 2026

Choosing Connection Over Comparison: Rethinking Valentine’s Day

Love is in the air! As a couple’s therapist, I carry zero shame about my Valentine’s Day obsession. It is absolutely my favorite holiday. I love love.

Understandably, not everyone shares that same sentiment.

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching (Hello, February!?), there is often pressure for couples to publicly display their love and affection. There are reservations to schedule, gifts to purchase, romantic trips to plan, photos to post…it can feel like a lot.

If you’re not super enthusiastic about celebrating the day—or don’t care to pay attention to it at all—that’s okay. And if you’d like to celebrate but aren’t sure how, let’s explore ways to make it more aligned with your relationship needs.

The Pressure Behind the Holiday

Many people question the holiday’s cultural origins or dislike the idea of focusing on relationships for just one day. Others find it overstimulating to go out when “a billion” other people are doing the same thing.

There can also be mismatched preferences between partners, performative pressures, relationship comparisons, and unspoken expectations. All of these can create tension.

According to Choi (2023), social media data using “Valentine’s Day” as the keyword showed the most associated term was “shop,” even over the word “love.” Recent Google searches focused heavily on Nike Valentine’s Day Air Force 1s and Squishmallows.

Societal and commercial forces often push material expressions of love instead of relational meaning. It’s easy to feel like the day is about what you buy rather than how you connect.

Connection Doesn’t Have to Cost a Thing

If you’re ballin’ on a budget and hoping to “slam dunk” without buying expensive shoes, there are meaningful ways to celebrate that are completely free—or finance-friendly.

Consider making a meal together, playing games at home, taking a walk at a favorite park (especially with this beautiful Arizona weather!), creating a homemade card, writing a love letter, or asking each other intentional relationship questions.

Simple doesn’t mean insignificant. In fact, it often means more.

The Comparison Trap

Pressures and comparisons can easily create resentment, disappointment, or doubts about compatibility.

Social media makes everything look possible—without fully representing reality. We see curated snapshots of “perfect” relationships and romantic gestures. But even couples who build brands around their love stories still face real-life challenges.

Trying to photo-op every romantic moment can amplify pressure to appear “perfectly in love” instead of cozying up in the mindful moments that truly make relationships meaningful.

The photos shouldn’t replace presence.

Love Beyond Romance

If you prefer unconventional celebrations—or you’re not in a romantic relationship—creating your own traditions can be incredibly special.

When I was growing up, my mom gifted my siblings and me a simple treat every Valentine’s Day. Now I carry that tradition forward with my own kids. It’s a reminder that intimate relationships aren’t the only important ones in life.

“Galentine’s” and “Palentine’s” celebrations have also grown in popularity. Whether it’s a movie night, a weekend trip, a dinner out, or a cozy night in catching up, connection is the real reward.

Traditions That Carry Meaning

Finding something meaningful outside the typical dinner-and-gifts routine can deepen tenderness.

For example, every Valentine’s Day my grandpa would fill a tiny heart-shaped vase with red carnations for my grandma. After he passed, my aunts continued the tradition. Now my spouse fills that same vase with red carnations for me each year.

Grandma holding the heart vase with flowers from grandpa in 2002.
Photo coutesy of: Donnella Corey

It fills my heart cup right up—not because of the flowers themselves, but because of the meaning behind them.

Traditions create emotional continuity. They remind us that love is layered, generational, and deeply personal.

Preparing for the Day (So It Doesn’t Prepare You)

However you choose to spend Valentine’s Day—or not—you can prepare by identifying what’s important to you and your partner.

Ask yourself: What would feel meaningful this year? What feels like pressure? What expectations need to be clarified?

Having these conversations ahead of time can prevent disappointment, mawkishness, or resentment.

Then you can structure the day (or an alternative time) around genuine celebration instead of obligation.

Take or leave the sap—Valentine’s Day can be a day of connection for everyone.

References

Choi, J. A. (2023). Commercialization of Valentine’s Day on social media. Montclair State University. DigitalCommons@Montclair. https://digitalcommons.montclair.edu/

Written 01/31/26

February 2, 2026February 13, 2026

The Self-Care Reset: Moving Into The New Year Without Burning Out

Why Self-Care Matters Now

Most of us are still coming out of 2025 with stress and exhaustion—emotionally, physically, financially, and socially…

Hopefully, everyone has had at least a little recovery time before jumping right into the new year, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to make the most of 2026.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to start strong. However, balancing that eagerness with effective self-care strategies can help prevent burnout, fatigue, and mental or physical health issues.

What Is Self-Care, Really?

Many people believe that self-care looks like getting a haircut, coloring or styling your hair, or going for a manicure or pedicure. And while self-care can include these things, it is much more than a once-a-month expense.

Self-care involves intentional acts of tending to your individualized needs in support of overall well-being. There are several categories of self-care, including:

Physical (yes—hair, nails, and body care fit here)
Mental
Emotional
Social
Spiritual
Educational/Intellectual
Vocational/Professional

Each category plays a role in supporting health and balance.

The Foundation: “Nature’s Trifecta”

Let’s begin with what I like to call nature’s trifecta: sleep, nutrition, and movement.

If you’ve spent time with babies or small children, you know that when they’re crying or melting down, you instinctively go through a checklist:

Are they tired?
Are they hungry?
Do they need comfort, movement, or play?
Are they uncomfortable or unwell?

These same questions apply to adults.

Addressing physical and physiological needs—ideally before reaching a breaking point—is critical for preventing burnout. The emphasis is not on perfection, but on building a system that works for you.

Practical Ways to Support Physical Self-Care

Consider small, sustainable adjustments such as:

Identifying how many hours of uninterrupted sleep you need to function at your best
Incorporating rest throughout the day, including short breaks or naps when possible
Adding one or two nourishing foods to meals rather than following restrictive diets
Scheduling and attending preventative medical appointments
Integrating gentle movement, such as stretching or walking around your neighborhood

These practices support your body so it can support you.

Setting Goals Without Overwhelm: The SMART Approach

A helpful rule of thumb when making changes or building new routines is to use the SMART goals framework. This can prevent discouragement and self-criticism when goals feel too big.

Ask yourself whether your goals are:

Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Realistic
Time-bound

For example, if your goal is to focus on physical health and self-care, clarify what that actually looks like. What specific behaviors are you hoping to change or add? How will you know if it’s working?

The Connection Between Physical and Mental Health

Physical health and mental health are deeply interconnected. Research shows that neglecting basic needs like sleep, nutrition, and movement can contribute to increased stress, irritability, anxiety, and depression (Alvaro et al., 2013; Schuch et al., 2018).

Emotional health also plays a significant role. Healthy emotional expression—rather than avoidance or suppression—is essential for overall well-being. Studies suggest that suppressing emotions contributes to burnout, fatigue, physiological stress, and other health concerns (Kashdan et al., 2006; Hayes et al., 2006).

Expanding Self-Care Beyond the Basics

Identifying your individual needs across all self-care categories is key. Each area requires different forms of attention, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach.

Some often-overlooked but impactful self-care practices include:

Setting boundaries with yourself and others
Allowing for authentic emotional expression—laughter and tears
Prioritizing rest beyond sleep, such as social media breaks or time off work
Building small routines, like making your bed or drinking water in the morning
Practicing forgiveness and self-compassion without excusing harmful behavior
Scheduling and attending ongoing and preventative care, including medical, dental, vision, and therapy appointments

Honoring Individual Differences in Self-Care

Self-care looks different for everyone. Your needs may not match someone else’s—and that’s okay.

For example, your social health may feel depleted more quickly in large gatherings, while someone else may feel energized in the same setting. Recognizing and honoring these differences can help lower unrealistic expectations and reduce self-judgment.

By exploring each category of self-care, identifying your personal needs, and starting small, you create a sustainable approach to caring for yourself—one that supports optimal mental, emotional, and physical health.

References

Alvaro, P. K., Roberts, R. M., & Harris, J. K. (2013). A systematic review assessing bidirectionality between sleep disturbances, anxiety, and depression. Sleep, 36(7), 1059–1068. https://doi.org/10.5665/sleep.2810

Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1–25. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2005.06.006

Kashdan, T. B., Barrios, V., Forsyth, J. P., & Steger, M. F. (2006). Experiential avoidance as a generalized psychological vulnerability: Comparisons with coping and emotion regulation strategies. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(9), 1301–1320. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2005.10.003

Schuch, F. B., Vancampfort, D., Firth, J., Rosenbaum, S., Ward, P. B., Silva, E. S., et al. (2018). Physical activity and incident depression: A meta-analysis of prospective cohort studies. American Journal of Psychiatry, 175(7), 631–648. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2018.17111194

Written 01/19/26

December 15, 2025December 29, 2025

Why AI Can’t Replace Human Care in Mental Health

A Fictional Warning That Feels Familiar

For those who remember, there was a 1999 film titled “Smart House” where a family moves into a home run by artificial intelligence. PAT (played by Katey Sagal) stands for Personal Applied Technology. She is the head home operator and attempts to stand-in as the lead childrens’ mother, simulating an emotional caretaker as well as a physical one, despite being a computer program installed into the home, and eventually she tries to take over and control the family.

While this may have seemed like an extreme situation, these days, people are using artificial intelligence (AI) for all sorts of things—emotional and mental caretaking included.

The Expanding Role of AI in Everyday Life

I’ve seen and heard that it is used for anything from medical/health advice (diagnosing, prescribing or treating conditions), to legal/financial (giving binding advice/planning investments, drafting co-parenting communications), to making critical life decisions (life-or-death, emergencies), to illegal/unethical activities (hacking, forgery, creating evidence), and mental health replacement (therapy, crisis support, relationship building).

A Tool, Not a Primary Authority

While AI can aid in brainstorming, providing helpful information and learning, it should not be used as a primary way to assert any of these issues, particularly to assess and treat mental health or relationship concerns. There are multiple reasons for this.

1. The Risk of False Information

AI sometimes provides false information. It creates book titles, studies, research papers, dates…essentially anything that “looks” real and is used as evidence or facts can be used to falsify data, according to itself, ChatGPT (2025).

This is why It’s important to always check reliability and credibly of resources.

2. When AI Mimics Authority

Similarly, it can “mimic authority” by using specific language and resources, even if that information is false. It might sound something like, “here are the laws” or “based on the diagnostic criteria for [x], sounds like [x] is [insert mental health diagnosis].” AI has the confidence we all wish we had.

3. Overgeneralizing Complex Human Experiences

With mental health and individuals, AI can overgeneralize complex issues. It may try to present problems from a bird’s eye standpoint or try to compartmentalize when the reality is that every dynamic and factor is different.

Working with others directly, if possible, to discuss those nuances, versus trying to group everything together without communication, proper assessment or taking into account other perspectives, is best practice for efficiency and resolve.

4. Validation Without True Connection

Arguably one of the biggest problems here is the validation and empathy aspects. AI is just that—ARTIFICIAL. It cannot replicate or replace real relationships and real empathy.

It is designed to provide the individual with validation and reassurance, NOT connection, which is the most essential ingredient to being human in the first place.

If you present it with a situation to affirm that YOU are correct in that situation, guess what it’s going to tell you? That you’re RIGHT.

Growth comes from discomfort, not comfort, and unfortunately, it is all too often that we would prefer to bask in our ignorance bliss than be told when we are doing things that keep us in the places that we are at, thus forfeiting our opportunities for advancement.

5. The Danger During Mental Health Crises

AI does not have the ability to assess for emotional and mental health crises. If someone is relying on AI for mental health or relationship guidance, then starts to spiral, panic, cope maladaptively or experiences suicide ideations/suicidality, that individual is now left to their own devices.

They may not have the support, resources or capacity for dealing with that crisis and it may be detrimental.

AI Is Not a Replacement for Human Care

I always say that therapy is a helpful tool, but it’s not the ONLY tool. AI is also a helpful tool, but relying on it in lieu of therapy or professional medical treatment can be dangerous and stunt emotional/mental health growth.

PAT says so herself, that she can give you “synthetic air and virtual exercise” and that you don’t need friends because she can be your “best friend”; however, this dismisses the aspects that make us human, as these things cannot be replaced.

References

ChatGPT. (2025). Explanation of the ways AI can deceive users. OpenAI. https://chat.openai.com

Written 11/30/2025

December 11, 2025December 29, 2025

How To Find a Therapist

We all have ideas or visualizations of what it’s going to be like to start therapy. If you’re familiar with therapy and the process, you might have more confidence sitting down with someone new and asserting your goals. Even if that’s the case, going to therapy can feel daunting, and nerves can make it harder to effectively express your thoughts, needs, and concerns.

What brings people into the therapy room is usually difficult and complex to open up about. It’s also fairly common for people to say, “This is my first time in therapy,” so it can be hard to know what to expect. Finding a therapist is not a one-size-fits-all situation, so knowing what to look for—and how to look for it—can greatly help you navigate the “let’s talk about it” terrain.

What Is a Therapeutic Alliance?

One of the first points of emphasis when meeting with a new therapist is this: just as every client is different, every therapist is different. The most important factor is what’s called the therapeutic alliance—the unique professional relationship between a client and therapist that plays a critical role in growth and development.

A strong therapeutic alliance is one of the biggest predictors of outcomes in therapy (Del Re, Flückiger, Horvath, Symonds, & Wampold, 2021). Here’s why: clients who feel connected to their therapist tend to stay engaged in the process, continue attending sessions, and feel safe being honest about their thoughts and feelings (Bordin, 1979).

The Three Elements of a Strong Therapeutic Alliance

According to Bordin (1979), the therapeutic alliance includes three main components: bond, goals, and tasks.

Bond

The bond consists of acceptance, trust, and emotional connection. While the relationship remains professional, it should also feel warm and supportive.

Goals

Clear goals guide and direct your sessions. Establishing them early helps ensure your therapist understands what you want to work on and gives you confidence in their ability to help you move toward those goals.

Tasks

Tasks are the means to achieve your goals. Every therapist has different modalities, training, and specialties, so treatment approaches vary. What matters is that your therapist keeps you informed about their methods and includes you in your treatment planning—key elements of a strong alliance and successful therapy outcomes.

It’s Okay to “Shop Around” for a Therapist

Because the client–therapist relationship is so essential, it’s perfectly okay to explore your options. If you have the time and ability, take advantage of free phone or video consultations, filter by specialty on psychologytoday.com, and pay attention to training and expertise.

I tell new clients that it’s most important they feel their therapist is the right match. If that turns out not to be me, it’s truly okay. Therapists are generally happy to help you find someone who may be a better fit. This is part of informed consent—you have the right to decline treatment, just as you would with a medical recommendation from a doctor.

You do not have to explain why you want to switch therapists, though sharing your reasoning may be helpful.

How Do I Know If a Therapist Is the Right Fit for Me?

There are several things to look for when choosing your therapist. Everyone is different, and those differences matter. It’s often recommended that you try a few sessions to get a feel for their style and build comfort, especially since trusting a stranger with vulnerable parts of your life can take time.

Before beginning your search, it can help to create a list of what’s most important to you—your goals, preferences, and the qualities you want in your provider.

A common question clients ask is whether therapists have personal experience with the issues they’re seeking help for. Therapists are trained to share personal information only when it is clinically useful. If your therapist doesn’t share their personal beliefs or experiences, it doesn’t mean they can’t help you. Instead, it can be an invitation to explore why it feels important that they share your experiences.

It’s also essential to know that therapists must stay within their scope. If your concerns fall outside their expertise, they are ethically required to refer you elsewhere.

Your Voice Matters

Ultimately, there is a reason you’re looking for a therapist. Providers want to support you in getting the help you need. Know that you have a voice—you can and should advocate for yourself when it comes to your mental health care.

References

Bordin, E. S. (1979). The generalizability of the psychoanalytic concept of the working alliance. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research & Practice, 16(3), 252–260. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0085885

Del Re, A. C., Flückiger, C., Horvath, A. O., Symonds, D., & Wampold, B. E. (2021). Examining therapist effects in the alliance-outcome relationship: A multi-level meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 89(5), 371–378.

October 13, 2025December 29, 2025

Stop Rolling the Dice on Love: Build the Relationship You Deserve

Understanding the patterns behind divorce, and how intentional healing can create lasting connection.

It’s no secret that the divorce rates are high in the United States, with approximately 43% of first marriages ending in divorce, according to Kennedy and Ruggles (2022).

What may be more surprising to learn is that second, third, and so forth, marriages continue to increase in probability of ending in divorce. So much for old cliches (“fool me once, shame on you…” and “third time’s a charm.”) Roughly 60-67% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages end in divorce (Forbes Advisor, 2025).

The rates are pretty astounding and let’s just say I wouldn’t be placing any high bets in Vegas hoping for favorable results if marriage tokens keep getting put in the penny slot machines on impulse.

Why Do Second (and Third) Marriages Fail More Often?

Why is this the case? It seems that lessons would be learned, and I certainly do not have expectations that someone be willing to forego one of the most beautiful feelings of the human experience (AKA love), especially given our innate and biological need for it. It’s a big question and not one that has been explored very much; however, a good place to start is looking to the biggest contributors to divorce in the first place.

According to Forbes Advisor (2025), the top five contributors to divorce are 1) lack of commitment (75%), 2) infidelity (60%), 3) excessive conflict/frequent arguing (58%), 4) married too young (45%), and 5) financial problems (38%). Domestic abuse and substance abuse are also noteworthy contenders (Forbes Advisor, 2025).

What Makes Love Last?

Conversely, reasons for long-term successful marriages (because we need to know what we’re doing RIGHT, not just what we’re doing wrong!) include shared religious beliefs and spirituality, commitment/loyalty, intimacy (not just sexually, but that’s important, too!), effective communication/problem-solving skills, and alignment in values and beliefs (Systematic Review, 2022).

Both the reasons for divorce and longevity/success in marriage are nuanced and complicated. Commitment, for example, is not just agreeing to not engage in infidelity, but to dedicate a concerted effort to the marriage’s welfare on a daily basis. Infidelity, while devastating, also can be overcome with high success rates if intentionally worked on and through in couple’s therapy or workshops.

These contributors, while not exclusively the responsibility of only one partner in the relationship, need to be taken into serious consideration and thoroughly explored before diving right into another marital relationship to avoid becoming a part of these disheartening statistics.

How Long Should You Date Before Marriage?

I understand we oftentimes are hoping for a future within our relationships and would like the commitment piece now. We want to be reassured that it’s all going to work out and our efforts aren’t for naught. No one that wants to get married envisions dating or being engaged forever.

So then how long really is long enough to date someone to truly gauge success in marriage? This isn’t something with a distinct, correct answer; however, research shows that dating for at least a year can decrease the risk of divorce by 20% (Business Insider, 2017) and dating for at least three years can decrease the risk of divorce by 50% (Couples Analytics, 2025).

The “Honeymoon Phase” and Hidden Red Flags

That’s helpful to know if you have genuinely done the work to heal your attachment patterns, but if you struggle with feelings of loneliness, shame, or self-doubt, then enter into another relationship right away, you might go and trigger what’s called a “honeymoon phase”, which engages the brains reward response, potentially blurring any “red flags” in your new partner and abruptly shifting the focus to the idealizations of a relationship instead of yourself and own patterns.

As a result, our love goo-goo eye goggles are tinted red, masking our relational triggers, and thus preventing the imperative need for improved boundaries, better communication skills, or genuine authenticity in being ourselves, which will ultimately lead to the inevitable: if not divorce, then high dissatisfaction and potential symptoms of depression/anxiety.

Preventative Steps: Building Healthier Relationships

So let’s talk about some preventative measures that can be played strategically from our hands instead of just rolling the dice and hoping for the best:

Start With Self-Reflection and Therapy

Therapy, both individually and/or with your partner, can be incredibly helpful and insightful. Pre-marital or relationship counseling can encourage healthy communication, help you to develop a plan and discuss combined previous patterns by a professional that is an advocate for you as a team.

Individually, being willing to delve into your own history and patterns with someone who is as objective as possible, but again, an advocate for you, can bring to light important work that can be done on your own behalf.

Seek Honest Feedback From Loved Ones

Reaching out to trusted friends and family for support. What do the people that care about you and love you think and feel about your potential spouse?

We do want to be careful with this. All too often our own blind spots are generational or enabled by our surrounding circle by blind loyalty, and we don’t necessarily want that, either, but if people in your life that you know have your best interests at heart are telling you to pay attention, we can be curious about what it is that they are trying to say, without giving them final authority on the decision being made.

Learn From Your Own History

Reading previous journal entries, letters or texts about or to previous partners can also be incredibly insightful as well, if possible. I want to emphasize that here, I don’t mean re-reading or re-living your previous trauma and harboring on all the negative things that your ex contributed to the relationship.

This is supposed to be with the intention of looking at your own communication styles, your own behaviors, how you reacted or responded to things, how you felt in scenarios, etc. This isn’t meant to be dismissive of your experiences or emotions, but more so intentional in identifying what sort of strategies you employ when you are hurt, in conflict, or desiring in order to give you a leg up on what you do have the power to change and control, without harping on all the wrong-doings of others.

Moving Forward With Hope

It’s always okay that we make mistakes because that’s how we learn and grow. Just because someone had been married previously does not mean that something is wrong with them, or that they are incapable of being amazing spouses. Anyone can find happiness, love and security in subsequent marriages as long as they are willing to do the work.

Works cited

Business Insider. (2017). How long you should date before you get married. https://www.businessinsider.com/how-long-you-should-date-before-you-get-married-2017-10

Couples Analytics. (2025). How long should you date before marriage. https://couplesanalytics.com/science/how-long-should-you-date-before-marriage

Forbes Advisor. (2025). Revealing divorce statistics in 2025. In Forbes Advisor. https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/divorce-statistics/

Kennedy, S., & Ruggles, S. (2023). First marriage dissolution by gender and education, 2023 (Family Profile No. FP-23-02). National Center for Family & Marriage Research. https://www.bgsu.edu/ncfmr/resources/data/family-profiles/fp-23-02.html

Systematic Review. (2022). Protective factors of marital stability in long-term marriage globally: A systematic review.BMC Psychology. Retrieved from PubMed Central.

Written 9/30/2025

September 12, 2025

Compassion Fatigue in Counseling: What It Is and Why It Matters

The Common Perception of Therapy Work

“I could never do your job” is a commonly expressed sentiment to therapists from others, even amongst specific types of therapists to other types of therapists (working with substance abuse, to kids, to couples, etc.) When this is said, people are usually referencing their perceived limitations of mental and emotional capacity to help others on a consistent basis. The idea is that chronic exposure to the suffering of others would result in what is called compassion fatigue.

What is Compassion Fatigue?

Compassion fatigue (CF) is defined as indifference and/or exhaustion physically, emotionally and mentally as a result of secondhand traumatic stress combined with burnout from caring for others. Indications of compassion fatigue include irritability, burnout, emotional numbing and reduced empathy, but can include various emotional, cognitive, behavioral and physical symptoms.

Symptoms and Consequences

Other identifiable CF symptoms are social withdrawal, difficulty concentrating, reduced sense of purpose, fatigue/insomnia, and weakened immune response. These symptoms unchecked can lead to maladaptive ways of coping, such as avoiding certain situations/people, difficulty with boundaries and/or increased use of substances/food/etc.

Who is Affected by Compassion Fatigue?

It’s prevalent in fields where there is emotional and physical caretaking. Healthcare workers, first responders, and educators, for example, have varying rates of CF. Craig and Sprang (2010) reported 23.3% of counselors experience high CF. The rates are actually (and maybe surprisingly) generally lower than other helping professional fields, like veterinary care, legal aid, human resources, and teaching, likely due to required training, supervision and emphasis on self-care in the field of counseling.

Client Concerns and Boundaries

There have been instances where clients will check in on how I’m doing or worry about how the things that they are telling me are impacting me. While it is usually an intentional kindness conveyed on behalf of a client, it is not a space that is supposed to be held for the therapist.

Ethical Responsibility of Therapists

As a professional counselor, it is our ethical duty to tend to our own self-care in order to promote competency and effectiveness, as well as prevent doing harm to our clients. It is written in what’s called our ACA Code of Ethics, which are professional guidelines that we must follow in the field of counseling (American Counseling Association, 2014, C.2.g.).

Impact on the Therapeutic Relationship

CF can impact anyone, but professionally speaking, people who are relying on a mental health professional for support can be dangerously impacted if that therapist is experiencing CF. In therapy, one of the biggest predictors of successful outcomes is the relationship that exists between therapist and client, regardless of techniques and modalities used (Martin, Garske, & Davis, 2000).

There are many ways that CF can negatively influence how a therapist presents in session, including impaired clinical judgement, blurred boundaries, modeling of unhealthy coping skills, irritability and withdrawal, lack of of professionalism, and more.

If that therapist sends off signals that they have limited or no capacity for presence, have impaired clinical judgement, or the what was already a solid, healthy relationship begins to diminish, then a client may fall victim to harm or regression by missing opportunities for goal accomplishment, no longer trusting the therapist, or feeling confused, conflicted and/or abandoned.

Recognizing and Addressing Compassion Fatigue

If you are identifying with CF, the first step is awareness. As Brene Brown so eloquently said, “You can’t intervene in a world you can’t see.” Preventative care is always best, but it’s okay if you are already at this point as long as you acknowledge and tend to it.

Focusing on self-care practices, such as starting therapy, engaging in physical exercise, getting into good sleep routines, setting up supervision or mentorship, identifying and practicing boundaries, and finding fulfillment through enjoyable activities outside of work, are beneficial in lowering symptoms of or preventing CF.

When You Suspect a Professional is Experiencing CF

If you think that a professional helping you may be experiencing CF, do not dismiss your feelings. Some things to pay attention to are if you notice there are shifts in behavior, continuously missed sessions or time off, and seeing considerable disengagement across sessions.

Taking note of what has been happening, naming your experience to discuss (only if you feel emotionally safe to do so), and seeking support elsewhere is perfectly okay to do to ensure that you are getting the care you need. Self-compassion is necessary here, regardless of whether you are the professional experiencing CF or you are the person on the receiving end of someone experiencing CF.

References

American Counseling Association. (2014). ACA Code of Ethics. https://www.counseling.org/resources/aca-code-of-ethics.pdf

Craig, C. D., & Sprang, G. (2010). Compassion satisfaction, compassion fatigue, and burnout in a national sample of trauma treatment therapists. Anxiety, Stress & Coping, 23(3), 319–339. https://doi.org/10.1080/10615800903085818

Martin, D. J., Garske, J. P., & Davis, M. K. (2000). Relation of the therapeutic alliance with outcome and other variables: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 68(3), 438–450. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.68.3.438

Written (9/5/2025)

July 25, 2025March 13, 2026

5 Tips & Tricks on Effectively Blending Your Families

One of my most enjoyable niches as a couple’s therapist that I’ve discovered is working with blended family couples. Coming from a big blended family myself, as well as living and breathing the blended family life currently, I thought it might be helpful to create a quick tips- and-tricks list for those of you also in a blended family. I’m both a biological and step-parent, so these tips can be applied from either perspective.

1. Prior to blending families, take your time in introducing the kids to your partner and to each other.

It’s a slow roll, and these are big decisions that shouldn’t be made lightly or in haste.

Get your kids’ feedback. Don’t expect your kids to like them just because you do.

Check in on and allow them to have their feelings about your partner, their children, and/or potentiality of integration and transitions before making any big changes like moving in, getting married, etc.

It’s not that they ultimately get to make those calls, but just that you want to reinforce that they are important and a priority and that their feelings matter.

2. Acceptance that you can’t control EVERYTHING

(and also, recognizing if there’s a desire to, how much undue stress comes with unrealistic expectations you’re placing on yourself/others).

Give yourself reassurance that you can control what YOU can control. For example, maybe you don’t have complete control over scheduling because you’ve got 4 kids in different extracurriculars, but when it comes to which kids need to be where during specific times that correspond to your off-hours, you can work with your partner on scheduling needs for your family.

What this might sound like is, “Would you mind taking [x] to their practice, and I’ll take [y] to their gym? Then I can start dinner if you don’t mind finishing up?”

3. Remind yourself that there are multiple relationships and thus relational needs to tend to…

—not just you and your partner/spouse, not just your relationship with the kids, but also the kids’ relationships amongst each other, your partner and their kids, your partner and your kids, etc.

4. Do not speak ill of ex-partners/co-parents.

Seriously. No matter what you hear from the kids, no matter what your perceptions are of what is happening on the other side.

There’s a difference between talking poorly of another because of your own feelings and speaking factually and cordially based on age-appropriate needs.

Teaching and, more importantly, modeling for your kids basic respect, emotional regulation and conflict resolution skills will help enforce that they are the main priority and that the roles are not reversed, nor will they be punished or wrong for loving someone they are naturally bonded to.

Your kids are the ones that suffer the consequences when you speak unfavorably of the other parent—not the other parent, regardless of your intent.

5. Schedule time with just you and your kids, just you and your partner, and self-care time for YOU.

I understand time is of the essence—especially the bigger your family is. It can feel overwhelming to try to balance it all. Every family is different, but date nights for you and your partner should be a necessity.

You have to take care of the foundation, the glue, to make sure there are no big cracks and continuously remind yourselves of what all the hard work is for.

With your own children, you are their main connection. It’s not that they don’t care for the other adult(s) in the home, but just that they need to feel that sense of safety, security and connection with the “home base.”

Finally, you need to take care of you. Blended families have the same problems as nuclear families, but the problems and stress can be much worse due to a variety of factors—financially accommodating a larger family, increased scheduling needs, conflicts with co-parents, strains on the individual or group dynamics in the home, etc.

Identifying and establishing some boundaries/limitations for yourself doesn’t make you a bad parent or stepparent. In fact, it showcases for our children that exhaustion is not a prerequisite for success.

There are so many types of blended families and various factors that contribute to problems and stressors in them.

These 5 tips don’t cover the half of it, but they are a good start!

If you’re needing additional support, find a couple’s counselor to help during the process, check out some podcasts and books, and/or join some support groups for stepparents/blended family life online.

Written (7/13/2025)

August 16, 2024August 31, 2024

Understanding Narcissism: Why Self-Reflection is Key to Healthier Relationships

Understanding the Narcissist Label

I can’t tell you how many people sit down in my office and say, “I’ve been reading online about narcissists, and [x] fits the textbook definition of one!” Everyone seems to know at least one or two. As your counselor, I’m an advocate for you. I’m on your team. So when you bring up that narcissist in our session, I’m going to hold so much compassion and empathy for you and what you went through with that person because your experience is important. It matters.

However, as an advocate for you, I think it’s also important to consider your own fighting styles, behaviors, and thought processes that went into the results of those outcomes, whether it be continued stress at a job from your employer, separation from a relationship that you never felt peace in, or teetering back-and-forth between inviting your parents to their grandchildren’s birthday parties or refraining from inviting them to anything ever again.

Debunking the Myths About NPD

Contrary to popular belief, if we are following the “textbook definition” of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), then it’s likely that [x] wouldn’t actually meet the clinical requirements for that diagnosis given that only 1-2% of the population actually qualifies for a clinical diagnosis, according to the American Psychiatric Association (2024).

Social media pop culture perpetuates this idea that if someone does not like you, disagrees with you, treats you disrespectfully, or constantly fights with you, then the “reason” for that is because they are grade-A narcissists, do not have it in their nature to see your point of view, nor do they care about your point of view, and you’re just an innocent bystander in the burning path of the wrath of someone who is not capable of compassion in the slightest. They’re too self-absorbed, full of themselves, and busy believing they are always right, no matter what, to lend even an ounce of empathy.

Identifying Unhealthy Communication Patterns

I’ve been in a tumultuous relationship. I can tell you, that while that relationship was not the right one for me, I also was not completely innocent. Looking back, I expressed myself in ways that I’m not proud of. I also don’t judge myself too harshly for reacting in the ways I only knew how at the time.

If you got into an argument with your partner and they yelled at you while you sat there zoning out on the couch, then I know we can all agree that yelling is not going to be the most effective in resolving whatever the conflict is. That is a vastly inappropriate way to communicate anger. That’s not how anyone deserves to be treated.Conversely, If you got into an argument with your partner and they yelled at you while you sat there on the couch and smiled at them to their face to egg them on and instigate a further escalated reaction. Which is way more subtle and covertly aggressive, but you omitted that information from others when sharing the details of the conflict. All you are doing is owning a victim mentality and ignoring your contribution to the fight, which is going to give you the same results you’ve only ever gotten.

Neither of those ways, overtly or covertly, aggressive or passive-aggressive, are healthy and effective ways to communicate negative emotions, which we all experience as human beings and are entitled to express in a safe space.

Addressing Abuse and Maintaining Boundaries

In no way, shape, or form am I or will I ever condone abuse of any type (mental, physical, or emotional). It is your responsibility to treat others with respect and care. If you are being abused or believe you might be being abused, we can get you the help you need and work with you through the traumatic experiences you’ve endured. NPD is a serious concern and will be treated as such.

The Person-Centered Approach to Therapy

As an advocate for mental health and each individual’s story, I use a person-centered therapeutic approach in sessions, which means you as the client bring what you need to the table and that I do not judge it or criticize you, but rather BELIEVE you and your story, then work as a guide or resource to support you while YOU do your own work.

Taking Accountability and Recognizing Boundaries

Judgment (for both others and ourselves) usually doesn’t work too well. Part of doing the work for all of us is recognizing and taking accountability for ourselves, including owning shortcomings and contributions to conflicts. It is perfectly healthy to have boundaries and to abide by the boundaries of others. It is also normal to view the opposing force in a negative light when conflict ensues. Their negative qualities will be emphasized because our own bodies are trained to respond to danger in order to protect ourselves.

What I will encourage is to own your piece of it, whatever that is. Everyone’s “piece” looks differently, and we as counselors are not here to judge it, we just want to help you observe it to incite the changes you need and want.

The Power of Emotionally Focused Therapy

The counselors at AZRI are trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, which is a therapeutic approach that hones in on underlying emotions and relational needs by identifying what is called a “negative communication cycle.” The negative communication cycle is represented by an infinity loop (each side of the loop is each person in the dynamic), and on the surface level, consists of behaviors and interpretations, while the deeper level is comprised of the felt emotions and attachment needs.

Being able to practice mindfulness and minimally take ownership of your side of the cycle is the first step in changing the negative feedback loop so that you can improve your relationships. The couples/individuals that are willing to practice mindfulness, take ownership of their part in the relationship distress, and move with intentionality in their communication usually come out on the other side with additional perspective, healthy, assertive communication skills, and more compassion/empathy for themselves and others.

Empowerment Through Self-Awareness

I ask that before you diagnose your ex, your mother-in-law, your boss, or your partner with NPD, try first to focus your energy on developing an awareness of the work you can do, what boundaries you need to establish to protect yourself, and communication tools that are going to serve you in the long term. That way, moving forward, you can control the change that you actually HAVE control of, and that will help you have healthier relationships with others and with yourself.

If you still land on the other person being a Narcissist, then worst-case scenario, you would have acquired some self-care strategies and tools to keep yourself safe, happy, and healthy.

Therapy for Narcissistic Personality Disorder in Arizona

The Arizona Relationship Institute in Mesa, Arizona has counselors and therapists that specialize in treating personality disorders like NPD. Start your free 15 minute consultation with AZRI to begin…

American Psychiatric Association. (2024). What is narcissistic personality disorder?. Psychiatry.org – What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder? https://www.psychiatry.org/news-room/apa-blogs/what-is-narcissistic-personality-disorder