The Gift of Boundaries
By Donnella Lincoln

It’s no secret that self-care is important, especially during the holidays. Usually what comes to mind when self-care is mentioned is taking a vacation, getting your nails done, or treating yourself to your favorite dessert at the end of a long day, but there are other forms of (much needed) self-care.

Setting Boundaries During the Holiday Season

“No” can always be a complete sentence. Keeping your distance from strangers or those with ill-intentions towards you doesn’t need any explanation. ’Tis the Season, and you don’t need a reason, at least when it comes to setting boundaries, with anyone—even family, friends and loved ones; however, communicating those boundaries instead of ignoring or avoiding that person, situation or conversation can be incredibly nourishing to the relationships that are important to you.

Keeping A Healthy Relationship During the Holidays

If you’re going to have healthy relationships and communication with others, then you need to be able to identify what it is that makes you feel safe, respected, and/or loved. What are your boundaries? During the holidays, there are so many things that can come up where being able to express those boundaries can help lift a huge weight off your shoulders.

Help For Setting Boundaries

If you’re wondering how to assert yourself and still make the nice list, here at AZRI, we can help with a boundary script. Including each of these components into your dialogue increases your chances of your boundary being understood and respected since you will be mindfully and respectfully providing as much information as possible. It’s important that you feel like you can be yourself, so the expectation is not that you will be reading from the script word-for-word, but just that you find a way to incorporate each of these elements in a way that feels most natural for you.

1. 1. 1. “When I saw you (heard you, felt you, discovered that you, noticed that you…)”

         Be specific, repeat what the person said/did literally as factually as possible

      2. “What I thought/made up about that is…”

         Make sure to use “I” instead of “you”, state your perception, interpretation, as it impacts you

      3. “And about that I feel…”

         Share your emotions (fear, joy, guilt, shame, loneliness, anger, etc.)

      4. “Therefore, I request…”

         State the boundary you will create and what it is you would like changed

      5. “If this happens again/comes up again”

         This is not a punishment or a way to manipulate or control someone else. It is something YOU will do in response to your boundary being violated. Be sure to set realistic expectations for yourself of what it is that you will do in response

      6. Thank them for listening, find ways to reinforce when/if they change, etc.

Whether you’re feeling exhausted about driving all over for the holidays, are trying to be better with your finances, do not feel welcomed with certain family members, have different spiritual beliefs than others, or everything in between, your feelings and needs matter.

You deserve to have healthy connections and feel respected in those, so setting and enforcing clear boundaries is a great way to accomplish that. Happy Holidays!