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Author: Donnella Corey

Donnella is a high-energy mental health professional who enjoys working with couples and individuals that are seeking to improve their personal/intimate relationships; however, she services a variety of clients, including couples/relationships, individuals and groups. She has a master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling.
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Choosing Connection Over Comparison: Rethinking Valentine’s Day

Love is in the air! As a couple’s therapist, I carry zero shame about my Valentine’s Day obsession. It is absolutely my favorite holiday. I love love.

Understandably, not everyone shares that same sentiment.

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching (Hello, February!?), there is often pressure for couples to publicly display their love and affection. There are reservations to schedule, gifts to purchase, romantic trips to plan, photos to post…it can feel like a lot.

If you’re not super enthusiastic about celebrating the day—or don’t care to pay attention to it at all—that’s okay. And if you’d like to celebrate but aren’t sure how, let’s explore ways to make it more aligned with your relationship needs.

The Pressure Behind the Holiday

Many people question the holiday’s cultural origins or dislike the idea of focusing on relationships for just one day. Others find it overstimulating to go out when “a billion” other people are doing the same thing.

There can also be mismatched preferences between partners, performative pressures, relationship comparisons, and unspoken expectations. All of these can create tension.

According to Choi (2023), social media data using “Valentine’s Day” as the keyword showed the most associated term was “shop,” even over the word “love.” Recent Google searches focused heavily on Nike Valentine’s Day Air Force 1s and Squishmallows.

Societal and commercial forces often push material expressions of love instead of relational meaning. It’s easy to feel like the day is about what you buy rather than how you connect.

Connection Doesn’t Have to Cost a Thing

If you’re ballin’ on a budget and hoping to “slam dunk” without buying expensive shoes, there are meaningful ways to celebrate that are completely free—or finance-friendly.

Consider making a meal together, playing games at home, taking a walk at a favorite park (especially with this beautiful Arizona weather!), creating a homemade card, writing a love letter, or asking each other intentional relationship questions.

Simple doesn’t mean insignificant. In fact, it often means more.

The Comparison Trap

Pressures and comparisons can easily create resentment, disappointment, or doubts about compatibility.

Social media makes everything look possible—without fully representing reality. We see curated snapshots of “perfect” relationships and romantic gestures. But even couples who build brands around their love stories still face real-life challenges.

Trying to photo-op every romantic moment can amplify pressure to appear “perfectly in love” instead of cozying up in the mindful moments that truly make relationships meaningful.

The photos shouldn’t replace presence.

Love Beyond Romance

If you prefer unconventional celebrations—or you’re not in a romantic relationship—creating your own traditions can be incredibly special.

When I was growing up, my mom gifted my siblings and me a simple treat every Valentine’s Day. Now I carry that tradition forward with my own kids. It’s a reminder that intimate relationships aren’t the only important ones in life.

“Galentine’s” and “Palentine’s” celebrations have also grown in popularity. Whether it’s a movie night, a weekend trip, a dinner out, or a cozy night in catching up, connection is the real reward.

Traditions That Carry Meaning

Finding something meaningful outside the typical dinner-and-gifts routine can deepen tenderness.

For example, every Valentine’s Day my grandpa would fill a tiny heart-shaped vase with red carnations for my grandma. After he passed, my aunts continued the tradition. Now my spouse fills that same vase with red carnations for me each year.

Grandma holding the heart vase with flowers from grandpa in 2002.
Photo coutesy of: Donnella Corey

It fills my heart cup right up—not because of the flowers themselves, but because of the meaning behind them.

Traditions create emotional continuity. They remind us that love is layered, generational, and deeply personal.

Preparing for the Day (So It Doesn’t Prepare You)

However you choose to spend Valentine’s Day—or not—you can prepare by identifying what’s important to you and your partner.

Ask yourself: What would feel meaningful this year? What feels like pressure? What expectations need to be clarified?

Having these conversations ahead of time can prevent disappointment, mawkishness, or resentment.

Then you can structure the day (or an alternative time) around genuine celebration instead of obligation.

Take or leave the sap—Valentine’s Day can be a day of connection for everyone.

References

Choi, J. A. (2023). Commercialization of Valentine’s Day on social media. Montclair State University. DigitalCommons@Montclair. https://digitalcommons.montclair.edu/

Written 01/31/26
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The Self-Care Reset: Moving Into The New Year Without Burning Out

Why Self-Care Matters Now

Most of us are still coming out of 2025 with stress and exhaustion—emotionally, physically, financially, and socially…

Hopefully, everyone has had at least a little recovery time before jumping right into the new year, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to make the most of 2026.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to start strong. However, balancing that eagerness with effective self-care strategies can help prevent burnout, fatigue, and mental or physical health issues.

What Is Self-Care, Really?

Many people believe that self-care looks like getting a haircut, coloring or styling your hair, or going for a manicure or pedicure. And while self-care can include these things, it is much more than a once-a-month expense.

Self-care involves intentional acts of tending to your individualized needs in support of overall well-being. There are several categories of self-care, including:

  • Physical (yes—hair, nails, and body care fit here)
  • Mental
  • Emotional
  • Social
  • Spiritual
  • Educational/Intellectual
  • Vocational/Professional

Each category plays a role in supporting health and balance.

The Foundation: “Nature’s Trifecta”

Let’s begin with what I like to call nature’s trifecta: sleep, nutrition, and movement.

If you’ve spent time with babies or small children, you know that when they’re crying or melting down, you instinctively go through a checklist:

  • Are they tired?
  • Are they hungry?
  • Do they need comfort, movement, or play?
  • Are they uncomfortable or unwell?

These same questions apply to adults.

Addressing physical and physiological needs—ideally before reaching a breaking point—is critical for preventing burnout. The emphasis is not on perfection, but on building a system that works for you.

Practical Ways to Support Physical Self-Care

Consider small, sustainable adjustments such as:

  • Identifying how many hours of uninterrupted sleep you need to function at your best
  • Incorporating rest throughout the day, including short breaks or naps when possible
  • Adding one or two nourishing foods to meals rather than following restrictive diets
  • Scheduling and attending preventative medical appointments
  • Integrating gentle movement, such as stretching or walking around your neighborhood

These practices support your body so it can support you.

Setting Goals Without Overwhelm: The SMART Approach

A helpful rule of thumb when making changes or building new routines is to use the SMART goals framework. This can prevent discouragement and self-criticism when goals feel too big.

Ask yourself whether your goals are:

  • Specific
  • Measurable
  • Attainable
  • Realistic
  • Time-bound

For example, if your goal is to focus on physical health and self-care, clarify what that actually looks like. What specific behaviors are you hoping to change or add? How will you know if it’s working?

The Connection Between Physical and Mental Health

Physical health and mental health are deeply interconnected. Research shows that neglecting basic needs like sleep, nutrition, and movement can contribute to increased stress, irritability, anxiety, and depression (Alvaro et al., 2013; Schuch et al., 2018).

Emotional health also plays a significant role. Healthy emotional expression—rather than avoidance or suppression—is essential for overall well-being. Studies suggest that suppressing emotions contributes to burnout, fatigue, physiological stress, and other health concerns (Kashdan et al., 2006; Hayes et al., 2006).

Expanding Self-Care Beyond the Basics

Identifying your individual needs across all self-care categories is key. Each area requires different forms of attention, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach.

Some often-overlooked but impactful self-care practices include:

  • Setting boundaries with yourself and others
  • Allowing for authentic emotional expression—laughter and tears
  • Prioritizing rest beyond sleep, such as social media breaks or time off work
  • Building small routines, like making your bed or drinking water in the morning
  • Practicing forgiveness and self-compassion without excusing harmful behavior
  • Scheduling and attending ongoing and preventative care, including medical, dental, vision, and therapy appointments

Honoring Individual Differences in Self-Care

Self-care looks different for everyone. Your needs may not match someone else’s—and that’s okay.

For example, your social health may feel depleted more quickly in large gatherings, while someone else may feel energized in the same setting. Recognizing and honoring these differences can help lower unrealistic expectations and reduce self-judgment.

By exploring each category of self-care, identifying your personal needs, and starting small, you create a sustainable approach to caring for yourself—one that supports optimal mental, emotional, and physical health.

References

Alvaro, P. K., Roberts, R. M., & Harris, J. K. (2013). A systematic review assessing bidirectionality between sleep disturbances, anxiety, and depression. Sleep, 36(7), 1059–1068. https://doi.org/10.5665/sleep.2810

Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1–25. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2005.06.006

Kashdan, T. B., Barrios, V., Forsyth, J. P., & Steger, M. F. (2006). Experiential avoidance as a generalized psychological vulnerability: Comparisons with coping and emotion regulation strategies. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(9), 1301–1320. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2005.10.003

Schuch, F. B., Vancampfort, D., Firth, J., Rosenbaum, S., Ward, P. B., Silva, E. S., et al. (2018). Physical activity and incident depression: A meta-analysis of prospective cohort studies. American Journal of Psychiatry, 175(7), 631–648. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2018.17111194

Written 01/19/26
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Why AI Can’t Replace Human Care in Mental Health

A Fictional Warning That Feels Familiar

For those who remember, there was a 1999 film titled “Smart House” where a family moves into a home run by artificial intelligence. PAT (played by Katey Sagal) stands for Personal Applied Technology. She is the head home operator and attempts to stand-in as the lead childrens’ mother, simulating an emotional caretaker as well as a physical one, despite being a computer program installed into the home, and eventually she tries to take over and control the family.

While this may have seemed like an extreme situation, these days, people are using artificial intelligence (AI) for all sorts of things—emotional and mental caretaking included.

The Expanding Role of AI in Everyday Life

I’ve seen and heard that it is used for anything from medical/health advice (diagnosing, prescribing or treating conditions), to legal/financial (giving binding advice/planning investments, drafting co-parenting communications), to making critical life decisions (life-or-death, emergencies), to illegal/unethical activities (hacking, forgery, creating evidence), and mental health replacement (therapy, crisis support, relationship building).

A Tool, Not a Primary Authority

While AI can aid in brainstorming, providing helpful information and learning, it should not be used as a primary way to assert any of these issues, particularly to assess and treat mental health or relationship concerns. There are multiple reasons for this.

1. The Risk of False Information

AI sometimes provides false information. It creates book titles, studies, research papers, dates…essentially anything that “looks” real and is used as evidence or facts can be used to falsify data, according to itself, ChatGPT (2025).

This is why It’s important to always check reliability and credibly of resources.

2. When AI Mimics Authority

Similarly, it can “mimic authority” by using specific language and resources, even if that information is false. It might sound something like, “here are the laws” or “based on the diagnostic criteria for [x], sounds like [x] is [insert mental health diagnosis].” AI has the confidence we all wish we had.

3. Overgeneralizing Complex Human Experiences

With mental health and individuals, AI can overgeneralize complex issues. It may try to present problems from a bird’s eye standpoint or try to compartmentalize when the reality is that every dynamic and factor is different.

Working with others directly, if possible, to discuss those nuances, versus trying to group everything together without communication, proper assessment or taking into account other perspectives, is best practice for efficiency and resolve.

4. Validation Without True Connection

Arguably one of the biggest problems here is the validation and empathy aspects. AI is just that—ARTIFICIAL. It cannot replicate or replace real relationships and real empathy.

It is designed to provide the individual with validation and reassurance, NOT connection, which is the most essential ingredient to being human in the first place.

If you present it with a situation to affirm that YOU are correct in that situation, guess what it’s going to tell you? That you’re RIGHT.

Growth comes from discomfort, not comfort, and unfortunately, it is all too often that we would prefer to bask in our ignorance bliss than be told when we are doing things that keep us in the places that we are at, thus forfeiting our opportunities for advancement.

5. The Danger During Mental Health Crises

AI does not have the ability to assess for emotional and mental health crises. If someone is relying on AI for mental health or relationship guidance, then starts to spiral, panic, cope maladaptively or experiences suicide ideations/suicidality, that individual is now left to their own devices.

They may not have the support, resources or capacity for dealing with that crisis and it may be detrimental.

AI Is Not a Replacement for Human Care

I always say that therapy is a helpful tool, but it’s not the ONLY tool. AI is also a helpful tool, but relying on it in lieu of therapy or professional medical treatment can be dangerous and stunt emotional/mental health growth.

PAT says so herself, that she can give you “synthetic air and virtual exercise” and that you don’t need friends because she can be your “best friend”; however, this dismisses the aspects that make us human, as these things cannot be replaced.

References

ChatGPT. (2025). Explanation of the ways AI can deceive users. OpenAI. https://chat.openai.com

Written 11/30/2025
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How To Find a Therapist

We all have ideas or visualizations of what it’s going to be like to start therapy. If you’re familiar with therapy and the process, you might have more confidence sitting down with someone new and asserting your goals. Even if that’s the case, going to therapy can feel daunting, and nerves can make it harder to effectively express your thoughts, needs, and concerns.

What brings people into the therapy room is usually difficult and complex to open up about. It’s also fairly common for people to say, “This is my first time in therapy,” so it can be hard to know what to expect. Finding a therapist is not a one-size-fits-all situation, so knowing what to look for—and how to look for it—can greatly help you navigate the “let’s talk about it” terrain.

What Is a Therapeutic Alliance?

One of the first points of emphasis when meeting with a new therapist is this: just as every client is different, every therapist is different. The most important factor is what’s called the therapeutic alliance—the unique professional relationship between a client and therapist that plays a critical role in growth and development.

A strong therapeutic alliance is one of the biggest predictors of outcomes in therapy (Del Re, Flückiger, Horvath, Symonds, & Wampold, 2021). Here’s why: clients who feel connected to their therapist tend to stay engaged in the process, continue attending sessions, and feel safe being honest about their thoughts and feelings (Bordin, 1979).

The Three Elements of a Strong Therapeutic Alliance

According to Bordin (1979), the therapeutic alliance includes three main components: bond, goals, and tasks.

Bond

The bond consists of acceptance, trust, and emotional connection. While the relationship remains professional, it should also feel warm and supportive.

Goals

Clear goals guide and direct your sessions. Establishing them early helps ensure your therapist understands what you want to work on and gives you confidence in their ability to help you move toward those goals.

Tasks

Tasks are the means to achieve your goals. Every therapist has different modalities, training, and specialties, so treatment approaches vary. What matters is that your therapist keeps you informed about their methods and includes you in your treatment planning—key elements of a strong alliance and successful therapy outcomes.

It’s Okay to “Shop Around” for a Therapist

Because the client–therapist relationship is so essential, it’s perfectly okay to explore your options. If you have the time and ability, take advantage of free phone or video consultations, filter by specialty on psychologytoday.com, and pay attention to training and expertise.

I tell new clients that it’s most important they feel their therapist is the right match. If that turns out not to be me, it’s truly okay. Therapists are generally happy to help you find someone who may be a better fit. This is part of informed consent—you have the right to decline treatment, just as you would with a medical recommendation from a doctor.

You do not have to explain why you want to switch therapists, though sharing your reasoning may be helpful.

How Do I Know If a Therapist Is the Right Fit for Me?

There are several things to look for when choosing your therapist. Everyone is different, and those differences matter. It’s often recommended that you try a few sessions to get a feel for their style and build comfort, especially since trusting a stranger with vulnerable parts of your life can take time.

Before beginning your search, it can help to create a list of what’s most important to you—your goals, preferences, and the qualities you want in your provider.

A common question clients ask is whether therapists have personal experience with the issues they’re seeking help for. Therapists are trained to share personal information only when it is clinically useful. If your therapist doesn’t share their personal beliefs or experiences, it doesn’t mean they can’t help you. Instead, it can be an invitation to explore why it feels important that they share your experiences.

It’s also essential to know that therapists must stay within their scope. If your concerns fall outside their expertise, they are ethically required to refer you elsewhere.

Your Voice Matters

Ultimately, there is a reason you’re looking for a therapist. Providers want to support you in getting the help you need. Know that you have a voice—you can and should advocate for yourself when it comes to your mental health care.

References

Bordin, E. S. (1979). The generalizability of the psychoanalytic concept of the working alliance. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research & Practice, 16(3), 252–260. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0085885

Del Re, A. C., Flückiger, C., Horvath, A. O., Symonds, D., & Wampold, B. E. (2021). Examining therapist effects in the alliance-outcome relationship: A multi-level meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 89(5), 371–378.

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Stop Rolling the Dice on Love: Build the Relationship You Deserve

Understanding the patterns behind divorce, and how intentional healing can create lasting connection.

It’s no secret that the divorce rates are high in the United States, with approximately 43% of first marriages ending in divorce, according to Kennedy and Ruggles (2022).  

What may be more surprising to learn is that second, third, and so forth, marriages continue to increase in probability of ending in divorce. So much for old cliches (“fool me once, shame on you…” and “third time’s a charm.”) Roughly 60-67% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages end in divorce (Forbes Advisor, 2025). 

The rates are pretty astounding and let’s just say I wouldn’t be placing any high bets in Vegas hoping for favorable results if marriage tokens keep getting put in the penny slot machines on impulse. 

Why Do Second (and Third) Marriages Fail More Often?

Why is this the case? It seems that lessons would be learned, and I certainly do not have expectations that someone be willing to forego one of the most beautiful feelings of the human experience (AKA love), especially given our innate and biological need for it. It’s a big question and not one that has been explored very much; however, a good place to start is looking to the biggest contributors to divorce in the first place. 

According to Forbes Advisor (2025), the top five contributors to divorce are 1) lack of commitment (75%), 2) infidelity (60%), 3) excessive conflict/frequent arguing (58%), 4) married too young (45%), and 5) financial problems (38%). Domestic abuse and substance abuse are also noteworthy contenders (Forbes Advisor, 2025). 

What Makes Love Last?

Conversely, reasons for long-term successful marriages (because we need to know what we’re doing RIGHT, not just what we’re doing wrong!) include shared religious beliefs and spirituality, commitment/loyalty, intimacy (not just sexually, but that’s important, too!), effective communication/problem-solving skills, and alignment in values and beliefs (Systematic Review, 2022). 

Both the reasons for divorce and longevity/success in marriage are nuanced and complicated. Commitment, for example, is not just agreeing to not engage in infidelity, but to dedicate a concerted effort to the marriage’s welfare on a daily basis. Infidelity, while devastating, also can be overcome with high success rates if intentionally worked on and through in couple’s therapy or workshops. 

These contributors, while not exclusively the responsibility of only one partner in the relationship, need to be taken into serious consideration and thoroughly explored before diving right into another marital relationship to avoid becoming a part of these disheartening statistics. 

How Long Should You Date Before Marriage?

I understand we oftentimes are hoping for a future within our relationships and would like the commitment piece now. We want to be reassured that it’s all going to work out and our efforts aren’t for naught. No one that wants to get married envisions dating or being engaged forever. 

So then how long really is long enough to date someone to truly gauge success in marriage? This isn’t something with a distinct, correct answer; however, research shows that dating for at least a year can decrease the risk of divorce by 20% (Business Insider, 2017) and dating for at least three years can decrease the risk of divorce by 50% (Couples Analytics, 2025). 

The “Honeymoon Phase” and Hidden Red Flags

That’s helpful to know if you have genuinely done the work to heal your attachment patterns, but if you struggle with feelings of loneliness, shame, or self-doubt, then enter into another relationship right away,  you might go and trigger what’s called a “honeymoon phase”, which engages the brains reward response, potentially blurring any “red flags” in your new partner and abruptly shifting the focus to the idealizations of a relationship instead of yourself and own patterns. 

As a result, our love goo-goo eye goggles are tinted red, masking our relational triggers, and thus preventing the imperative need for improved boundaries, better communication skills, or genuine authenticity in being ourselves, which will ultimately lead to the inevitable: if not divorce, then high dissatisfaction and potential symptoms of depression/anxiety. 

Preventative Steps: Building Healthier Relationships

So let’s talk about some preventative measures that can be played strategically from our hands instead of just rolling the dice and hoping for the best:

Start With Self-Reflection and Therapy

Therapy, both individually and/or with your partner, can be incredibly helpful and insightful. Pre-marital or relationship counseling can encourage healthy communication, help you to develop a plan and discuss combined previous patterns by a professional that is an advocate for you as a team. 

Individually, being willing to delve into your own history and patterns with someone who is as objective as possible, but again, an advocate for you, can bring to light important work that can be done on your own behalf. 

Seek Honest Feedback From Loved Ones

Reaching out to trusted friends and family for support. What do the people that care about you and love you think and feel about your potential spouse?

We do want to be careful with this. All too often our own blind spots are generational or enabled by our surrounding circle by blind loyalty, and we don’t necessarily want that, either, but if people in your life that you know have your best interests at heart are telling you to pay attention, we can be curious about what it is that they are trying to say, without giving them final authority on the decision being made. 

Learn From Your Own History

Reading previous journal entries, letters or texts about or to previous partners can also be incredibly insightful as well, if possible. I want to emphasize that here, I don’t mean re-reading or re-living your previous trauma and harboring on all the negative things that your ex contributed to the relationship. 

This is supposed to be with the intention of looking at your own communication styles, your own behaviors, how you reacted or responded to things, how you felt in scenarios, etc. This isn’t meant to be dismissive of your experiences or emotions, but more so intentional in identifying what sort of strategies you employ when you are hurt, in conflict, or desiring in order to give you a leg up on what you do have the power to change and control, without harping on all the wrong-doings of others. 

Moving Forward With Hope

It’s always okay that we make mistakes because that’s how we learn and grow. Just because someone had been married previously does not mean that something is wrong with them, or that they are incapable of being amazing spouses. Anyone can find happiness, love and security in subsequent marriages as long as they are willing to do the work. 

Works cited

Business Insider. (2017). How long you should date before you get married. https://www.businessinsider.com/how-long-you-should-date-before-you-get-married-2017-10

Couples Analytics. (2025). How long should you date before marriage. https://couplesanalytics.com/science/how-long-should-you-date-before-marriage

Forbes Advisor. (2025). Revealing divorce statistics in 2025. In Forbes Advisor. https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/divorce-statistics/

Kennedy, S., & Ruggles, S. (2023). First marriage dissolution by gender and education, 2023 (Family Profile No. FP-23-02). National Center for Family & Marriage Research. https://www.bgsu.edu/ncfmr/resources/data/family-profiles/fp-23-02.html

Systematic Review. (2022). Protective factors of marital stability in long-term marriage globally: A systematic review.BMC Psychology. Retrieved from PubMed Central.

Written 9/30/2025
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Compassion Fatigue in Counseling: What It Is and Why It Matters

The Common Perception of Therapy Work

“I could never do your job” is a commonly expressed sentiment to therapists from others, even amongst specific types of therapists to other types of therapists (working with substance abuse, to kids, to couples, etc.) When this is said, people are usually referencing their perceived limitations of mental and emotional capacity to help others on a consistent basis. The idea is that chronic exposure to the suffering of others would result in what is called compassion fatigue. 

What is Compassion Fatigue?

Compassion fatigue (CF) is defined as indifference and/or exhaustion physically, emotionally and mentally as a result of secondhand traumatic stress combined with burnout from caring for others. Indications of compassion fatigue include irritability, burnout, emotional numbing and reduced empathy, but can include various emotional, cognitive, behavioral and physical symptoms. 

Symptoms and Consequences

Other identifiable CF symptoms are social withdrawal, difficulty concentrating, reduced sense of purpose, fatigue/insomnia, and weakened immune response. These symptoms unchecked can lead to maladaptive ways of coping, such as avoiding certain situations/people, difficulty with boundaries and/or increased use of substances/food/etc.

Who is Affected by Compassion Fatigue?

It’s prevalent in fields where there is emotional and physical caretaking. Healthcare workers, first responders, and educators, for example, have varying rates of CF. Craig and Sprang (2010) reported 23.3% of counselors experience high CF. The rates are actually (and maybe surprisingly) generally lower than other helping professional fields, like veterinary care, legal aid, human resources, and teaching, likely due to required training, supervision and emphasis on self-care in the field of counseling. 

Client Concerns and Boundaries

There have been instances where clients will check in on how I’m doing or worry about how the things that they are telling me are impacting me. While it is usually an intentional kindness conveyed on behalf of a client, it is not a space that is supposed to be held for the therapist. 

Ethical Responsibility of Therapists

As a professional counselor, it is our ethical duty to tend to our own self-care in order to promote competency and effectiveness, as well as prevent doing harm to our clients. It is written in what’s called our ACA Code of Ethics, which are professional guidelines that we must follow in the field of counseling (American Counseling Association, 2014, C.2.g.). 

Impact on the Therapeutic Relationship

CF can impact anyone, but professionally speaking, people who are relying on a mental health professional for support can be dangerously impacted if that therapist is experiencing CF. In therapy, one of the biggest predictors of successful outcomes is the relationship that exists between therapist and client, regardless of techniques and modalities used (Martin, Garske, & Davis, 2000). 

There are many ways that CF can negatively influence how a therapist presents in session, including impaired clinical judgement, blurred boundaries, modeling of unhealthy coping skills, irritability and withdrawal, lack of of professionalism, and more.

If that therapist sends off signals that they have limited or no capacity for presence, have impaired clinical judgement, or the what was already a solid, healthy relationship begins to diminish, then a client may fall victim to harm or regression by missing opportunities for goal accomplishment, no longer trusting the therapist, or feeling confused, conflicted and/or abandoned. 

Recognizing and Addressing Compassion Fatigue

If you are identifying with CF, the first step is awareness. As Brene Brown so eloquently said, “You can’t intervene in a world you can’t see.” Preventative care is always best, but it’s okay if you are already at this point as long as you acknowledge and tend to it. 

Focusing on self-care practices, such as starting therapy, engaging in physical exercise, getting into good sleep routines, setting up supervision or mentorship, identifying and practicing boundaries, and finding fulfillment through enjoyable activities outside of work, are beneficial in lowering symptoms of or preventing CF. 

When You Suspect a Professional is Experiencing CF

If you think that a professional helping you may be experiencing CF, do not dismiss your feelings. Some things to pay attention to are if you notice there are shifts in behavior, continuously missed sessions or time off, and seeing considerable disengagement across sessions. 

Taking note of what has been happening, naming your experience to discuss (only if you feel emotionally safe to do so), and seeking support elsewhere is perfectly okay to do to ensure that you are getting the care you need. Self-compassion is necessary here, regardless of whether you are the professional experiencing CF or you are the person on the receiving end of someone experiencing CF. 

References

American Counseling Association. (2014). ACA Code of Ethics. https://www.counseling.org/resources/aca-code-of-ethics.pdf

Craig, C. D., & Sprang, G. (2010). Compassion satisfaction, compassion fatigue, and burnout in a national sample of trauma treatment therapists. Anxiety, Stress & Coping, 23(3), 319–339. https://doi.org/10.1080/10615800903085818

Martin, D. J., Garske, J. P., & Davis, M. K. (2000). Relation of the therapeutic alliance with outcome and other variables: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 68(3), 438–450. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.68.3.438

Written (9/5/2025)
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5 Tips & Tricks on Effectively Blending Your Families

One of my most enjoyable niches as a couple’s therapist that I’ve discovered is working with blended family couples. Coming from a big blended family myself, as well as living and breathing the blended family life currently, I thought it might be helpful to create a quick tips- and-tricks list for those of you also in a blended family. I’m both a biological and step-parent, so these tips can be applied from either perspective.

1. Prior to blending families, take your time in introducing the kids to your partner and to each other.

It’s a slow roll, and these are big decisions that shouldn’t be made lightly or in haste.

Get your kids’ feedback. Don’t expect your kids to like them just because you do.

Check in on and allow them to have their feelings about your partner, their children, and/or potentiality of integration and transitions before making any big changes like moving in, getting married, etc.

It’s not that they ultimately get to make those calls, but just that you want to reinforce that they are important and a priority and that their feelings matter.

2. Acceptance that you can’t control EVERYTHING

(and also, recognizing if there’s a desire to, how much undue stress comes with unrealistic expectations you’re placing on yourself/others).

Give yourself reassurance that you can control what YOU can control. For example, maybe you don’t have complete control over scheduling because you’ve got 4 kids in different extracurriculars, but when it comes to which kids need to be where during specific times that correspond to your off-hours, you can work with your partner on scheduling needs for your family.

What this might sound like is, “Would you mind taking [x] to their practice, and I’ll take [y] to their gym? Then I can start dinner if you don’t mind finishing up?”

3. Remind yourself that there are multiple relationships and thus relational needs to tend to…

—not just you and your partner/spouse, not just your relationship with the kids, but also the kids’ relationships amongst each other, your partner and their kids, your partner and your kids, etc.

4. Do not speak ill of ex-partners/co-parents.

Seriously. No matter what you hear from the kids, no matter what your perceptions are of what is happening on the other side.

There’s a difference between talking poorly of another because of your own feelings and speaking factually and cordially based on age-appropriate needs.

Teaching and, more importantly, modeling for your kids basic respect, emotional regulation and conflict resolution skills will help enforce that they are the main priority and that the roles are not reversed, nor will they be punished or wrong for loving someone they are naturally bonded to.

Your kids are the ones that suffer the consequences when you speak unfavorably of the other parent—not the other parent, regardless of your intent.

5. Schedule time with just you and your kids, just you and your partner, and self-care time for YOU.

I understand time is of the essence—especially the bigger your family is. It can feel overwhelming to try to balance it all. Every family is different, but date nights for you and your partner should be a necessity.

You have to take care of the foundation, the glue, to make sure there are no big cracks and continuously remind yourselves of what all the hard work is for.

With your own children, you are their main connection. It’s not that they don’t care for the other adult(s) in the home, but just that they need to feel that sense of safety, security and connection with the “home base.”

Finally, you need to take care of you. Blended families have the same problems as nuclear families, but the problems and stress can be much worse due to a variety of factors—financially accommodating a larger family, increased scheduling needs, conflicts with co-parents, strains on the individual or group dynamics in the home, etc.

Identifying and establishing some boundaries/limitations for yourself doesn’t make you a bad parent or stepparent. In fact, it showcases for our children that exhaustion is not a prerequisite for success.

There are so many types of blended families and various factors that contribute to problems and stressors in them.
These 5 tips don’t cover the half of it, but they are a good start!
If you’re needing additional support, find a couple’s counselor to help during the process, check out some podcasts and books, and/or join some support groups for stepparents/blended family life online.
Written (7/13/2025)
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Attachment Theory and Relationships

Attachment Theory and Relationships - AZRI - Arizona Relationship Institute

 

Attachment Theory and Relationships
By Donnella Lincoln, LAC

When we are first born, we are completely helpless. We cannot feed ourselves, change ourselves, or protect ourselves. We have to rely on our parents or caregivers to do that for us. Our survival depends on depending on others. This is not true for every creature on Earth. Snakes, for example, do not need their mother snakes to look after them once they are hatched. They are able to immediately move around, catch their own prey and protect themselves. As a human being, because our survival depends on others fulfilling our needs, we have what’s called proximity seeking behaviors. Our bodies, specifically our nervous systems, are directly connected to our attachments and relationships.

Attachment Therapy Counselors in Mesa Arizona - AZRI - The Arizona Relationship Institute

What Is Attachment Theory?

For example, a baby crying is never a baby crying for no reason. The baby is in some sort of distress. A baby cannot communicate immediately if it is hungry, tired, cold, hurt, etc., so it engages help by crying. Most people are averse to hearing a baby cry, which is the exact evolutionary point of the baby being able to cry to begin with. It ideally springs the caregiver into action to respond to the baby and fulfill its needs so that the crying ceases. Crying is a proximity seeking behavior.

As we grow older, we develop more communication skills and more independence; however, how responsive our caregivers were to our needs and our expectations (usually subconscious) to those needs being met, shapes how we continue to request or demand that our needs be met.

Therapy For Attachment Styles in Mesa Arizona - AZRI

What Are Attachment Styles?

Thus, the concept of attachment theory, styles and strategies is born. Research has shown that we are built and wired for connection. Our bodies are oftentimes more apt at remembering how we have previously succeeded in having our needs met than our logic and reasoning thoughts. If crying has been successful in making sure my needs are met, then that’s what I am going to do next time I have a need that needs to be addressed, even if I am not aware that’s what I’m doing.

Therapy for Attachment Styles - Attachment Theory in Mesa Arizona - AZRI

Secure Attachment VS. Insecure Attachment and Avoidant Attachment Style

There are two categories of attachment styles—secure and insecure. Secure attachment style (secure behavioral and emotional responses) is indicative that a person, either growing up or in their adult relationships, feels safe, nurtured, and responded to sufficiently in their needs, physically and emotionally. Their nervous systems are not thrown into complete dysregulation at every sign of conflict, big or small, and they are not guessing if they are loved or cared for by others. They feel safe to explore the world, manage themselves and fulfill their own needs as well. There is a balance of healthy independence/autonomy and healthy relationships/communication. Insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant and disorganized strategies) are on a scale of how anxious/fearful you are (of abandonment) and how assertive/avoidant you are in dysregulation.

With anxious strategies, there is higher anxiety and fear of abandonment, physical and/or emotional. With avoidant strategies, there is higher avoidance/withdrawal and focus on independence. With disorganized, it’s a conflicting push-pull due to extreme dysregulation with being fearful of abandonment and high avoidance.

Instead of using the attachment styles as identity markers (ie, “I am anxious attachment” or “my style is secure”), I like to think of them more like the different categories are on a graph. It is likely that most people will exhibit different strategies from multiple styles, so the question I like to ask in sessions is, “What strategies do you most often use when vulnerability hits the room?”

Insecure Attachment Therapy in Arizona - AZRI

Can Attachment Therapy Change Your Attachment Styles?

One of the most beautiful things about attachment styles is that wherever you land on the attachment graph is not where you are necessarily stuck. If you primarily use anxious strategies, you can move towards secure. There are lots of research, resources, books, and videos on attachment theory, styles, and strategies. This is also something that you can work with and through in individual or couple’s therapy with a therapist who is well-versed in attachment theory.

 

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We Are Love

We Are Love - Relationship Tips and Advice from Donnella Lincoln - AZRI Couples Therapist

Growing up, I changed my mind about what I wanted to be a few times. My earliest career choice was as a singer/performer. Then it changed to President. Then journalist, actress, teacher and finally, counselor.

I was very active and involved in high school. I was on my school’s newspaper, the theater state board and high school board, was the school’s news anchor, on yearbook, was student teaching a 1st grade English Language Learners class, was in advanced/pre-college courses, etc. I lived and breathed school. I was also in a serious relationship.

That relationship took a lot of my energy and focus. He did not have a supportive, healthy family, had eventually dropped out of school, and did not want me to go to college. After high school, I hadn’t applied to the university I wanted to go to, and we moved in together. I became pregnant with our son and eventually dropped out of the community college I was attending to focus on working and taking care of our household. Around a year after our son was born, our situation became dangerous and, to protect our son, I ended the relationship.

So, he left. And I was left to pick up the pieces. Our circumstances were highly traumatic—but I leaned on my supports and worked hard to provide for us. We sacrificed a lot. His dad was legally obligated to help, but didn’t, and I didn’t pursue it. Our son didn’t deserve that.

I wasn’t even angry for myself. I probably should have been. I was just so heartbroken for my son. But here, I let love win. Because that’s what we needed.

I went back to school. Associate’s to Bachelor’s to Master’s. Worked multiple jobs to make ends meet. Spent time with my son, tried to balance my social life/relationships, slept where I could. Moments of sadness transformed sometimes into spirals of anger.

Somehow, I stayed living in love. It kept me from resorting to attacks, pursuing “justice”, and inviting chaos back into our lives. I was deeply hurt but recognized that my desire to “do” something other than focus on my own relationship with my son and our well-being would have been BECAUSE I was hurt. So the saying goes that “hurt people hurt people.” It wouldn’t have served a purpose. It would have clouded my judgement and blocked love in my heart.

How to Not Be Spiteful After A Bad Relationship

There are so many times, even now, where a specific Game of Thrones scene pops into my head. The Queen of Dragons, who wishes to change the world, end slavery, and protect the lives of innocent people, lets a moment of deep pain and trauma trigger her into violating her own values and beliefs—which are grounded in love. She calls upon her dragon, Dracarys, to burn a whole city filled with innocent lives in order to avenge her most trusted confidant and advisor’s murder.

Moving On After Ending A Relationship

After starting graduate school, I knew that I wanted to specialize working with relationships. Shortly after, I met the loves of my life. My son and I are now a part of a beautiful, blended family. My son now has siblings and I have a teammate. A man that loves and protects us, that is a loving partner and father. I do the work that I do because I believe in love so much. It is always there. It’s our natural state. We are all born full of love and just hoping to have that need fulfilled; we need to be connected for literal survival. We just have to allow it to show itself.

While hurt people may hurt people, hurt people may also love people. Hurt people may also heal people. We are able to break the cycles of pain and instead, move with love. You are Love. We are Love.

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How Self Esteem Plays a Role in Healthy Relationships

How Self Esteem Plays a Role in Healthy Relationships - AZRI - Arizona Relationship Institute Mesa Gilbert JPG

 

Having healthy relationships and connections with others is imperative to our overall health and wellness as humans. We are built for connection. However, we often don’t consider how our relationship with and view of ourselves impacts our relationships and individual health. There is a quote that says, “we accept the love we think we deserve.” If we do not have a positive view of ourselves, it seems unlikely that we would have healthy and fulfilling relationships with others.

Self Esteem Therapy in Mesa Arizona - AZR - The Arizona Relationship Institute

What is Self Esteem?

Self-esteem can be defined as one’s confidence and value in themselves. It is how we see ourselves and thus impacts how we relate to others and the world. It involves our own opinions, beliefs, judgements, feelings and values about ourselves.

People who exude confidence and practice good self-care habits have better self-esteem because they place value in themselves (GoodTherapy, 2018). If we value ourselves, we are motivated to take care of ourselves with positive self-talk, healthy mental/physical nutrition, and a loving/supportive network. Conversely, those with low self-esteem are more likely to suffer from mental and physical health concerns like depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and/or substance use (Henriksen, Ranøyen, Indrdavik, & Stenseng, 2017).

Overcoming Criticism and Self Doubt with Therapy and Counseling in Arizona

Overcoming Criticism and Negative Judgement

Self-esteem plays a vital role in mental and physical well-being, particularly for developing adolescents. While self-esteem generally increases as people get older, there are big differences for self-esteem depending on age and gender (American Psychological Association, 2016). As a child, if we feel listened to, respected and accepted, we are more likely to grow up having higher self-esteem and confidence in our abilities. If we experience more criticism, negative judgement and doubt for mistakes or our abilities as a child, it is more likely to negatively impact our self-esteem and lead to behavioral and mental health problems (Sussex Publishers, 2019).

Low self-worth can be chronic and ongoing or triggered by an event, stress and/or trauma. Practicing mindfulness and identifying what your triggers are, what the negative thoughts/dialogue sounds like, and with who/where you’re experiencing more self-doubt can be helpful in implementing change.

Therapy for Low Self Esteem and Building Confidence

Therapy for Low Self Esteem & Building Confidence

If you notice that you have low self-esteem and would like to work towards loving yourself more, therapy is a great place to start. In the meantime, you can practice daily affirmations, identifying and focusing on your strengths, and surrounding yourself with others that help you feel loved and accepted. It’s also important to remember that “comparison is the thief of happiness”, so comparing yourself to others is most likely going to be more harmful than helpful in increasing your self-esteem.

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship and marital psychologist and researcher, emphasizes the 5 to 1 ratio for positive to negative interactions in relationships for couples to maintain happiness and balance. My personal spin on this is to utilize the 5 to 1 ratio in our relationship with ourselves, which means catching our negative self-talk and thoughts, then being intentional with changing them to speak more positively, kindly and compassionately to ourselves.

John Gottman 5 to 1 ratio - Arizona Relationship Institute

“Remove the ‘I want you to like me’ sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs.”

 

Therapy Tips

  1. American Psychological Association. (2016). Self-esteem gender gap more pronounced in western countries. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2016/01/self-esteem-gender
  2. GoodTherapy. 2018. Confidence pick-me-up! self-esteem quotes to boost your mood. GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/confidence-pick-me-up-self-esteem-quotes-to-boost-your-mood-0526187
  3. Henriksen IO, Ranøyen I, Indredavik MS, Stenseng F. 2017. The role of self-esteem in the development of psychiatric problems: a three-year prospective study in a clinical sample of adolescents. Child Adolesc Psychiatry Ment Health. 11:68. doi: 10.1186/s13034-017-0207-y. PMID: 29299058; PMCID: PMC5747942.
  4. Sussex Publishers. (2019). The relationship with yourself. Psychology Today. https:/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sustainable-life-satisfaction/201906/the-relationship-yourself