Shannon Barousse, M.S., LMFT, Author at Arizona Relationship Institute

December 23, 2023December 23, 2023

The Therapist’s Toolkit: Crafting Meaningful Goals for the New Year

As the New Year approaches, we are sure to hear “New Year, New You”. You may even be hearing this from yourself. This is the year!!! The year you are going to lose weight, get your finances in order, good back to school…Get your life together. While it is not uncommon to want to set goals for the new year, it is uncommon to still be working or holding to those goals come mid-March.

So how do we set goals and give ourselves the best chance of reaching them? Well, much of that has to do with how we are setting those goals. It is essential to approach goal setting with intention and mindfulness. Use the following 5 steps to set goals for the best chance of reaching them and experiencing the “New Year, New You” everyone talks about.

The Therapist’s Toolkit: Crafting Meaningful Goals for the New Year

Step 1: Reflect on the Past Year: Before setting goals for the future, it’s important to reflect on the past year. As a therapist, I encourage clients to take stock of their achievements, challenges, and areas for growth. Reflecting on what went well and what could have been better is crucial for laying a solid foundation for setting meaningful New Year goals. If done right, this can be difficult to do. We have to be willing to sit in uncomfortable spaces and think about areas where we did not show up how we would have liked and what caused us to show up in the manner we did. Learning to own what we need to own is a huge area of growth and where we need to be honest with ourselves. It can be hard and uncomfortable but will also lead you to real areas of growth.

Step 2: Identify Your Values: When was the last (or first) time you sat down and wrote out what your values are as an individual, couple or family? Goals that are aligned with your core values tend to be more fulfilling and empowering. Take some time to identify your values—the principles and qualities that matter most to you. Are you striving for better relationships, improved health, career advancement, or personal development? Clarifying your values will guide you towards setting goals that resonate with your authentic self.

Step 3: Be SMART: Therapy is one of the many places where the SMART framework is used to set goals. Becoming familiar with and applying this approach to your new year’s goals can bring clarity and structure to your aspirations.

Specific: Think about what it is you want to achieve; then break it down. Then break it down again. Keep breaking it down until it is as specific as possible. “I want to lose weight”, is not specific. What are you truly looking to do, do you want to gain muscle, lose fat, become more flexible? How are you planning on accomplishing this. Change your diet? Lift weights? Start Yoga?

Measurable: Establish clear criteria on how you want to measure your progress. Will it be the number of times you go to the gym? How many days in a week do you prioritize self-care?

Achievable: Ensure your goals are realistic and attainable. Setting the bar too high can lead to discouragement, while aiming too low may not push you to grow. Find the sweet spot that challenges you while being feasible.

Relevant: Do your goals align with your values and broader life aspirations. Ensure they are meaningful to you and contribute to your overall well-being.

Time-Bound: Assign a timeline to your goals to keep yourself accountable. Set deadlines or milestones along the way to monitor your progress and make adjustments if needed. If you are not hitting the milestones, stop and reevaluate the goal. Does it align with your values? Is it realistic? Dose it possibly need to be broken down more. Don’t give up; but do take time to look at the goal again.

STEP 4: Self-Compassion: Goal setting often goes hand-in-hand with self-criticism and perfectionism. As a therapist, I encourage cultivating self-compassion throughout the goal-setting process. Speak to yourself the same way you would your friend, child, or dog if they were trying to reach a goal. When a toddler is learning to walk and they take those first few steps and fall, you don’t say “you’re so stupid, if you couldn’t do it the first time you will never walk.” No, you encourage them…” come on baby you can do it just keep trying.” Practice that same compassion with yourself. Remember, setbacks and challenges are natural. Be kind to yourself when you encounter obstacles. Self-compassion allows you to learn from setbacks and rebounds with renewed determination.

Step 5: Seek Support: Change is hard, and having support can make all the difference. Reach out to loved ones, get an accountability partner. The two of you don’t have to be working on the same goal to hold each other accountable. Consider working with a therapist to help you navigate the ups and downs of your goal-setting journey. Surrounding yourself with a supportive network can provide encouragement, accountability, and valuable insights.

Therapy for Setting Goals

Setting goals in the new year can be an empowering and transformative process when approached with intention. By working through the above 5 steps, you can set yourself up for success in the coming year. Remember, the journey is just as important as the destination. Embrace the growth and self-discovery that accompanies your pursuit of these goals.

May this new year bring you fulfillment, resilience, and abundant opportunities for personal growth.

Be Mindful, stay compassionate with yourself and Have Fun…

February 7, 2022February 7, 2022

Is Therapy Right For Me? What to Know Before Starting Therapy

Whenever people find out what I do for a living the first words out of their mouth is “I need therapy” or “I should go to therapy”. My first thought…”Yes you should.” I believe that everyone can benefit from having a person to talk to who has no emotional stake in the game. You don’t have to wait until you have experienced a crisis to warrant therapy. While many people do use therapy to process trauma, therapy is also helpful in learning more about yourself and how you want to navigate your life.

What to Know Before Starting Therapy

Not sure on where to start when looking for a therapist, here are some pointers to keep in mind.

The Therapist

The biggest indicator in therapy being helpful for a person is the relationship between you and the therapist. Find a therapist who you feel you connect with. Many therapists will provide a free phone consultation. Use this time to ask questions and discuss any certain issues or topics, ask the therapist about their expertise. Are you more goal oriented or do you want a safe space to process your feelings? Asking the therapist what modality they use will also help you gage if the therapist will be a good fit.

Be Honest

People can often feel that they have to put their best foot forward or they may be too embarrassed to tell a therapist about their thoughts or about things they did. However if you are not honest with the therapist chances are you are also not being honest with yourself. A therapist should never judge or shame you for your behaviors or reactions. The therapist is there to help you understand yourself and how you interact with the world. Without honestly the therapeutic relationship will suffer as well as the progress you are capable to making.

Consistency

Making therapy a consistent part of your life is key to having therapy be successful. If you only workout once a month you may feel better for a day or two, but soon as life starts to pile up, no real gains are made. If you only attend therapy once in a while or when something is “wrong”, you will interrupt the learning process and spend most of your sessions “putting out fires.” By attending therapy consistency you are providing a space for you to delve deep into your thought process and self growth.

Practice makes Permanent… Not Perfection

Keeping a therapy note book can be very beneficial. You may want to write down things discussed during session or thoughts you want to remember and try putting into practice during the week. Clients also use notebooks to write down thoughts or questions that come up during the week that they want to process during their next session.

Clients often come to therapy to learn new skills, such as communication, positive self talk or other self growth concepts. Keeping a notebook can help to remind you of the times in-between sessions where you have utilized the new skill or perhaps struggled to use the skill. Either way it reminds you that these are skills they need to practice through the week and not just discussed in the therapy room. When these skills are practiced and not just talked about it will help to make the changes you are seeking.

Therapy is not about making yourself perfect. However it is about understanding yourself and those around you. Learning to accept that we are all perfectly imperfect and we can make changes in our lives permanent and learn to accept they won’t be perfect.

January 29, 2022January 29, 2022

What Issues Can Individual Therapy Help With?

Individual Therapy can be utilized for many issues. People seek therapy to help solve current problems in their lives. These can look like things such as considering a job change, grieving, a break up, or needing to learn how to establish boundaries. However you can also utilize individual therapy on a deeper level, such as processing past traumas, uncovering patterns in your life that may not be serving you and learning self acceptance. No matter how big or small you may feel an issue is in your life, it always helps to have another person to listen who can be objective and provide honest caring feedback.

What Issues Can Individual Therapy Help With?

Can Therapy Help with Avoidance Issues?

Yes! Therapy gets to the root causes of behaviors and helps you to learn how to modify or change those behaviors and “avoidance” is a perfect example of a negative behavior that can be modified with therapy.

Does Therapy Help with Confidence Issues?

Yes! Before starting therapy, most people think that it will hurt ego, confidence, or self-esteem — especially if you already have these issues. However, those in therapy quickly understand how a session can be like opening-up to a friend, unloading your emotions and even over-sharing but still feeling comfortable. TYou will probably start building confidence subconsciously (without realizing it), but therapy can especially be a great first step into building confidence.

Can Therapy Help with Anger Issues?

Yes! Anger isn’t an issue if you have restraint and impulse control. A therapist teaches you these skills, among others.

Can Therapy Help with Intimacy Issues?

Yes! The root causes of intimacy issues live inside the emotions, thoughts and feelings of the individual. Your therapist helps you to understand how to become intimate with yourself so you can more comfortably and confidently be intimate with others.

How Therapy Helps You to Grow

The sign of life is growth. When we look at plants we know they are still alive because they continue to grow. This is true for people as well. In order for us to truly live we must keep growing. How we grow as an individual is up to each individual person. Individual therapy is a way to continue your growth as a person. Utilizing therapy to explore your strengths and weakness, behavior patterns, and how you express your thoughts and emotions.

There has long been a stigma around mental illness and therapy. The belief that only the mentally ill go to therapy or therapy is only for huge issues in your life is a belief that is melting away. People are now realizing the benefits of therapy. Benefits that can help with big issues; but also when you just need a place to talk with a person who is impartial to your life. A therapist truly wants to help you find the best decision for you and how to help you live your life in the most authentic way possible.

Nowadays we hear a lot about living authentically. You may wonder what authentic living means, and what are the benefits.

What does it mean to live Authentic?

When we live an authentic live our actions and words are in line with our beliefs and values. We are not doing or saying things because it is what we “should” do. In fact in authentic living there are no “should”. If I apologize, I did so because it is something I truly believe I needed to do. If I attend an event it is because I want to be present and not because I feel Like I “should” be there.

Many times our beliefs or what we should do has been handed to us from our parents or other family members. There is nothing wrong with these beliefs also being ours. However when we start to notice we are saying or doing things that just don’t feel right we may need to sit with someone and examine what beliefs were given to us and which ones we believe with our whole heart. Our values should align with our personality and spirit.

Individual Therapy can help you to learn to listen to your inner voice and let it guide you, how to make decisions that align with your values and beliefs and how to set boundaries and leave toxic situations. Utilize individual therapy to realize your true personality, values and spirit.

January 28, 2022January 29, 2022

What to Expect from Couples Therapy

Instagram and Facebook would have us believing that every marriage is happy and perfect. When we fall into the social media trap we may believe that our marriage is the only one that needs work. Relationships are hard. They take work and maintenance to keep it running smoothly.

When two people join into a relationship they may feel they have everything in common, birds sign and the sun shines. However, we soon start to notice the clouds, the birds become annoying and the commonalities may start to become misaligned. These misalignments can drive disconnection, breakdown in communication and become the foundation in which resentments start to build.

How Therapy Helps When the Relationship Starts to get “Boring”

Therapy allows for space in which these things can be addresses. When you put the work in, you and your partner can become that couple longingly looking into each other’s eyes.

When to Go to Couples Therapy

We have all heard the saying “Nothing worth having comes easy.” The problem is that at the beginning of relationships, it can often seem effortless – we let things go because everything else is going good. As these things build up over time, we wonder where the sunshine and rainbows have gone.

The Need for Relationship Check-Ups

We have regular checkups for physical health and other things in our lives and don’t think twice. We have preventative maintenance, annual checkups, and routines to keep other aspects of our lives healthy. However, many don’t consider couples therapy until the relationship feels unbearable.

Don’t Put Off Seeking Help for Relationship Questions or Problems

Putting off problems is not how we fix them, that’s how we let them get worse… plumbing problems, health problems, and even relationship problems all should be dealt with early and before the problems get out-of-hand.

Couples Therapy As Preventative Maintenance

Many people are under the impression that you go to therapy when something is wrong. Yes and No, while therapy is a great place to learn new skills, learn effective communication and productive ways to have conversations.

“Couples Therapy is Also a Great Idea When the Relationship is Going Well!”

However, couples therapy is also a great idea when relationships are going well. When a couple enters therapy without issues at hand the therapist can help the couple dive deeper and allow the couple to gain a better understanding of one another, allowing for a deeper connection, and working through hurts and frustrations with one another as a team instead of at each other.

What Should I expect from a Couples Therapist

hen finding a therapist to work with you and your partner, there are somethings to keep in mind. Is this therapist someone we both feel like we can open up to and trust? Not every couple’s therapist is a great fit for every couple. If one of the members of the couple does not feel they can be open and honest with the therapist, you may want to keep looking.

Does Couples Therapy Work?

Couples Therapy is 100% More Successful Than Ignoring The Problem. Experience has shown therapists WHY individual relationships fail or succeed. Much like medical professionals study individual “cases” to learn how to treat biological problems, therapists employ therapies that have shown success in wide selection of individual cases. Just like going to a doctor when you are sick gives you a better chance of getting through the problem comfortably, couples who recognize and treat their problems with the help of a therapist have a better chance of getting through their problems comfortably.

Therapy and Privacy

Does the couple’s therapist have a “no Secrets” policy? At times during couples therapy, you and your spouse may be asked to meet individually with the therapist. In order for each member of the couple to feel equally aligned with the therapist, they must trust that the therapist is not holding onto secrets for the other member of the relationship. When there are issues that you or your partner need to process but are not ready to share individual therapy should be considered.

One Therapist, Two Patients Seeking to Work as One

Can the therapist hold space for both you and your partner? Holding space for others feelings is one of the biggest jobs of a therapist. A couple therapist must be able to hold space for both members of the couple. Even during times when the emotions are at different ends of the spectrum. Can the therapist allow for feelings of sadness, hurt, fear and the room still feel safe for you to continue to share feelings.

Tips for Finding a Couples Therapist

A couples’ therapist works from a model or has a philosophy on relationships. Learn what model your potential therapist uses and if this is a model that both you and your partner believe in. If you are looking to learn communication skills, discuss this with your therapist. If you are looking to dive deep and understand where you and your partners emotions derive from, let the therapist know this is what you are looking for. If a couple is looking for the Emotional Focused Model, but end up with a therapist who uses a solution focused model the couple may not get the results they are hoping for and walk away feeling frustrated.

Discuss your Motivations and Commitment to Therapy as a Couple

Commitment level is also something to talk about with your partner. Have an understanding as to what each of you are hoping to gain. Are you both looking for a deeper understanding of one another, learn communication skills, or to try and change the other person? (No, that last one doesn’t work) But if that is the motivation behind attending therapy it is the best that all parties involved know.

Also, what is your commitment to the process. Are you both willing to put in the time and make therapy a priority for the weeks and possibly years that it can take to get a relationship where you want it. When you are bringing up past hurts and finding new ways to communicate those hurts, therapy can leave one or both of you feeling worse before you feel better. I often explain the process to couples as imagining a wound that has been open and not tended to for years. This wound has never been given the opportunity to heal properly. Right now, that wound is sore and festering, it may hurt to look at let alone touch. The wound is headed in the direction of infection; possibly a terrible scar will form. Therapy is the process of cleaning out that wound and setting it on course to heal in a healthy way. While it may still leave a scar, it will be a scar that can be talked about without the soreness and hurt that were originally there when the wound occurred.

Arizona Relationship Institute Has a Number of Therapists — Each With Their Own Unique Talents, Specializations, and Personalities

Let Us Help You Find the Therapist that Matches Your Needs

Couples therapy can be an amazing tool for couples to reach a variety of goals from communication, deeper understandings of one another or exploring desire discrepancy. Knowing what it is that you want for your relationship will allow you and your partner to find a couple’s therapist that will help you reach those goals and to have the loving relationship you deserve.

November 24, 2021November 24, 2021

How to Handle Stress within the Family During the Holidays

It is that time of year again… the time of year when we get to see family and friends. So why is the thought of having to see parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins feel so overwhelming? Many families have been separated for a year or two in a way no one knew how to plan or navigate.

Reconnecting with Family After COVID

Now that we are able to see one another there are a whole bunch of issues that can be polarizing for a family. With questions such as; “Do you like this president?” “Did you like the last one?” “Did you get vaccinated?” “Do you feel the vaccine is unsafe?”, it is no wonder that the thought of a gathering can feel overwhelming.

While some interactions with family can be annoying; there may also be interactions with family members that are downright hurtful.

Here are some tips to hopefully not only survive the holiday season with your family but also so enjoy this time.

You may have a family where you know the night will erupt into a fight and people will leave the joyous family occasion in anger or with hurt feelings. Doesn’t worry, there are things you can do to navigate the night. These tips will only help you to remain calm.

Realize Your Responsibilities

Remember, you are NOT responsible for other’s behaviors. If Uncle Harry wants to get worked up and be angry you cannot manage his feelings for him. However you have every right to not engage in a conversation that you know will likely turn into an argument. If a family member asks if you are vaccinated or how you feel about possible vaccine mandates you can always replay,” I don’t discuss my vaccine status.”

It takes two people to argue. You do not have to engage in any conversation that you are uncomfortable engaging in. You are free to say. “Wow, this conversation has taken a turn, so I think I am going to take a break.”

Invalidating Feelings

At times family members can make us feel like our feelings or opinions don’t matter or carry as much weight as their feelings. This may come across as put downs, snide remarks, or flat out mean comments. When these comments are directed at us it may cause us to shrink within ourselves and walk away from the interaction feeling as if our feelings do not matter or our opinions are not right.

When people invalidate your feelings it says more about how they feel about themselves then you. It is O.K. to call people out when they engage with you in this way. If someone tells you that you are wrong, or you are just not smart enough to understand the subject; you can remind them that your feelings and opinions are yours and yours alone. Therefore they are not wrong, the other person simply just does not agree with them.

Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail is often used as a tactic for a person to get their way. In some families it can occur for so long that the family has just accepted that this is the “way (insert family member’s name) is.” Even when we know this is how Aunt Nelda is this does not mean that what she says is not hurtful.

When a family member tries to get you to do something or attend a function by using a threat such as “Well I guess I will just die alone” they are using your emotions against you. Emotional blackmailers use fear, obligations, and guilt to get you to do what they want.

Fear: Of course you love grandma and you don’t want her to think otherwise. So when you hear…”Do you want Grandma to think you don’t love her?” You may jump to do what is asked out of fear that Grandma may actually believe this.

Obligations: A family member may say things to make you feel as if you somehow owe them for what they have done for you. When you hear comments such as;” I guess I spent all those late nights helping you with homework for nothing… now you cannot even make time to come see me.” You can be assured the person is using your feelings regarding obligation to repaying acts of kindness or service that should not have come at a cost.

Guilt: When family members cannot handle your circumstances or feelings matching theirs, they may use guilt as a form of emotional blackmail. Hearing things like;”How can you be happy in your relationship when you know your brother is going through a divorce”? “You must think your better than everyone else, with your new fancy job.” There is no reason that you need to feel guilty for your accomplishments or good things going on in your life. You can feel joy and still have empathy for those who are experiencing hard times.

Emotional blackmail can only work when you let it. If you know your truth and can stand in it you are able to let the your family member know that there are valid reasons why you are not able to do what they are asking of you. Reminding these individuals that you can also celebrate your accomplishments while being understanding of others misfortunes just as they would want their accomplishments acknowledged.

Gaslighting:

This word has become more commonly used as of late. Hearing something we don’t like or a differing of opinion is not gas lighting. Gas lighting is much more hurtful and destructive. This occurs when someone tries to make you believed something did not happen. You may not feel comfortable attending a gathering if you have been abused by a family member who would also be present at the gathering. Hearing “Well, I don’t think that ever happened.” “Are you not over that yet?” or “Oh it was just boys being boys.” Can not only be hurtful but can also make you start to doubt your reality or that what happened to you matters.

If you believe that a family member is using Gas lighting as a way to get you to comply with the way they think, feel or believe there are ways to protect yourself. Realize that the person is trying to assert power over you. You can voice what happened to you, them believing it does not change what occurred. Ground yourself. Speaking with a gas lighter can be very triggering. By grounding yourself you are able to see the tactic for what it is; manipulation; and not an attack on you. Do not engage in an argument, someone who gaslights will argue to no end and you will often walk away feeling worse and unheard. When you recognize the gas lighting and you are not able to stop the conversation…WALK AWAY!

Ways to Survive:

If you know anything about therapists you know we love boundaries. We love helping our clients learn to set them, maintain them and express those boundaries to others. When dealing with families members, especially those who may be a little less than mentally healthy for us the only way to have a relationship with them and maintain our stability is to have clear defined boundaries.

You may feel that you cannot tell a family member especially an older family member what an acceptable way to talk to you looks like.

Prior to the holiday visit decide what is and what is not acceptable for you. Rehearse the responses you will use, when someone speaks or treats you in a way that is unacceptable. When the opportunity presents itself, you can respond in a kind but clear way that lets the other person know that what they have done is no longer acceptable and will not be behavior you are willing to tolerate.

Acknowledge the other person’s perspective but let them know that how they speak is not ok.

“I understand you are under a lot of stress, however I am not going to allow you to yell at me. We can continue this conversation at a later time.”

Don’t Isolate

At times the thought of being around family or at an obligatory event can feel overwhelming. Remember you do have the right to say no. You are not required to be anyplace or with anyone you feel is unhealthy for you. However, also making sure you are also surrounding yourself with people you do enjoy and are good for you makes getting through the tough times that much easier.

May 3, 2021

The Importance Of Self Care

As therapist we are taught the importance of self care. We then go on to share this knowledge with our clients, Reminding them… “to put the mask on ourselves before others,” or that you… “can’t pour from an empty cup;” these became mantras within my therapy office. However this was much easier said than done, and I was often left feeling that the roles of wife, mom, therapist, friend, and daughter were draining my cup faster than I could fill it.

Advice from a Therapist on Juggling Roles in your Life

My clients were no different. They also had multiple roles in their lives they were trying to juggle. Roles that also often left them feeling overwhelmed, drained and tired. This was across the board it didn’t matter if my clients were men, women, teenagers or seniors. Why?? Why has it become seen as selfish or even a sin to take time out for ourselves?

Self Care can be defined in a variety of ways. To some this means doing something nice for ourselves such as a pedicure, to others it means finding time to go on a three week retreat. I like to think of self care as being more encompassing, a way in which we live, not just something we do for ourselves. Self care should become a conscious act we take to promote our total well being.

Switching the narrative from I am being selfish to this is what I need can be difficult to accomplish. Start with reframing how you view self care. Begin with thinking of self care as mindful steps you take that will lend resiliency to you when your stress levels starts to rise and life tries to runaway with you.

The Segments of Holistic Self Care

Breaking self care into categories can help you start to make self care into a way of life.

Physical Self Care:

We all know we should stay active and healthy. How many times do we tell ourselves we would do this or that if we just had the time? Here is the thing, there is always time. Caring for yourself physically does not simply mean working out. Sleeping is one of, if not the most important things we can do for ourselves. Determining how much sleep you need, is easy; there are charts, you can Google it or, can ask your dr. Once you have the number…Give yourself that many hours. Develop good sleep habits. Meaning learn what you need to help yourself wind down in the evening. Help you brain prepare for sleep. Stop screen time, take a bath, or stretch. As new parents we are told to develop bedtime routines for our infants and toddlers…because they work. Develop and maintain your own bedtime routine and then be as consistent as you can.

Drink water…hydration is an easy way to care for yourself and you don’t even have to look for extra time in your day to do it. Carry water with you at all times. Don’t wait to be thirsty to start drinking. Sleep and hydration are both vital to our overall well being, illness can result from the depriving ourselves of one or both. Making sleep and hydration as a priority you are helping your body and immune system to work at optimal levels.

Practical Self Care:

Finding ways to prevent or alleviate future stressors is also a form of self care. Setting up a savings account, and creating and maintaining a budget are ways to help prepare for your future. Over buying school supplies at the beginning of the school year, can help alleviate stress when your child says they need a new notebook at 10pm. Practical self care is finding little ways to help yourself through the week to help lessen the stress life throws at us.

Mental Self Care:

Making sure our minds stay sharp is an act of self care. No matter how difficult your job is if you do it every day, our brains can become complacent. Get your brain thinking in different ways. Take time to do a puzzle; crossword, jigsaw or otherwise.

Social Self Care:

The activities we think more of when we think self care; such as getting pedicures, or getting a drink with a friend. We are all busy and can use time as an excuse forever. Reconnecting with friends or family is crucial to us as we are wired for connection and we can often fill out of wack when we go to long without connection.

Emotional Self Care:

Our days and interactions are often measured against how we felt emotionally during our day. Think of your emotional health as a thermometer. When we go to long not tending to our emotional health we can become stressed out or angry. We start to run an emotional fever. We may notice the fever when it is low grade or the fever may hit 102.0 overnight. This fever often leaves us feeling alone in our overwhelmedness. Finding ways to tend to our emotional selves allow the stressors that always appear in our lives more manageable. At times our emotions can seem so heavy and feel as though they weight us down. By processing and exploring out past hurts and the negative self talk that keeps u, help to keep our emotional temperatures at a steady 98.7.

Spiritual self Care:

When people hear the word spirituality they often equate this with religion. Taking care of your spiritual health can include this as many people find peace through organized religion. However if you are not one of these people, you can still tend to your spirituality. Being in touch with ourselves spiritual health means getting in touch with our human spirit or soul. Mediating, taking time to commune with nature, or any activity that puts you in touch with your higher power, nurtures our spiritual health.

Waiting until we are sick, have an injury, or just can’t function, has become the norm for us to seek treatment. It is no wonder that when we do not tend to our physical health that we easily let the areas we don’t see go unattended.

If you are tired and overwhelmed or just don’t know where to start, I challenge you to start tending to these parts of yourself. Discover ways to honor yourself in each category. Prioritize honoring yourself in these ways weekly; if not daily.

Remember the only person’s permission you need to make yourself a priority is yours.

February 28, 2021May 3, 2021

Practical Advice for Speaking with Teens

I remember the first time I held my son. A wave of love rushed over me, one like I had never felt before. This love carried me through the terrible twos, trying threes and the terrifying fours. Once we were over those developmental humps, I started to develop a real relationship with my son. Not a relationship that only consisted of me being able to produce fruit snacks at a moment’s notice. We had become real pals. We talked, listened to music, sang in the car together, laughed and attended sporting events together. I felt like…dare I say we became friends.

Dealing with Rude Teenagers

Then it happened. The teen age years. Now to be completely honest this didn’t just happen overnight, there were signs. The preteen years, or as I like to refer to them as the beginning of the end. As a parent you begin to see some moodiness but usually can explain it away with; it’s their changing bodies, being tired, or hungry. Perhaps I was slacking on my fruit snack skills. Those little blips in my sons – usually charming personality – were becoming more and more the norm until the moodiness, rudeness, and eye rolling consumed our every interaction.

My heart sank. The once precious, fun, loving child who I loved spending time with had become someone I did not even want to be around.

How Can I Change My Teen’s Behavior?

I had to make a plan of action. I had to engage this child – sorry teen – and keep him talking. Even though this was not what he wanted, and I wasn’t completely sure it was what I wanted either.

So I set forth to make him like me again. I would listen to his music. I would make him talk to me. I mean I knew I was a cool mom, I just needed to remind him. Every bid for attention was met with eye rolls, slammed doors, and sometime not very nice words.

I was devastated to say the least. The love of my life the one who thought the sun and moon rose and set with me, the one who would beg for my attention – especially when I was one the phone – no longer wanted me.

How Do You Discipline a Teenager that Doesn’t Care?

I found myself deeply saddened by the change in our relationship. I was positive that our bond and friendship that had been nurtured since day one would carry us through the teenage years, but it didn’t. What had I done wrong? Where had all the parenting books failed me? Was I not worthy of being one of those moms who posted smiling or funny face pictures with their teen? You know the kind of picture that assures you that their relationship is perfect, and there is no yelling or rolling of eyes in their house.

Disciplining a Defiant Teenager

So what was I going to do? How was I going to salvage this relationship and my sanity. I did have an ace in my pocket. Thinking back to my – what seemed like endless – hours in school I remembered a class called child development. I also recalled this class went into the teenage years. Looking back over the literature it assured me that my teens pulling away and trying to assert their independence was a normal part of their childhood development. Not only was it normal it was also healthy. These teenage years were much like those very early years, where my son would move away from me but would look back for a check in or run back into my arms because I was his secure base.

Challenges of Parenting a Teenager

The difference? When he was little, he offered a sweet smile with the check in or ran back into my arms when he needed reassurance he was safe. Now I may only receive the occasional quick conversation or even better the blow up of emotions that typically left me feeling overwhelmed and battered.

What Parents of Teens Need to Know

The teenager just like the toddler needs to know they can explore their world but will always have a safe place to fall. A place where they will feel understood and loved.

In my work with teens, they would often say to me, “I could never talk to my parents about this because they won’t just listen.” So why with all this knowledge and life experience was I unable to get my own teen to speak to me.

Because… it was me… I was mom. The mom who felt – no believed with every fiber of my being – that every moment I had with my son was a moment where I needed to share my wisdom with him. If my son even hinted about relationship issues, wasn’t my duty as a mother and a therapist to cram down his throat everything I knew about red flags and healthy communication?

Well ethical obligation or not this was exactly what I had been doing to my son. Even though it was the exact opposite of what he needed want.

Family Counseling for Teens and Parents in Phoenix, AZFamily Counseling for Teens and Parents in Phoenix, AZ

Changing Parenting Styles

So armed with this new information I set out to change the way I interacted with my son.

I no longer chased him down to see how his day went. I started to wait for him to come to me. And I waited, and waited, and waited. And guess what it happened? He came to me. Now it usually occurred when I was cooking dinner, reading a book, or driving. In other words when I was busy with something else. Excited as I was, I did not drop everything I was doing to turn all my attend to him. Instead, I would continue what I was doing and listen to what he was telling me. That it the KEY, but also the hardest part. No matter what he said I JUST LISTENED, I didn’t ask to many questions and I did not give any of my advice. Even when asked, I would throw the question back and provide him the space to talk out his ideas and feelings. I gave him as much time as he needed to talk and he did… he talked. He talked and talked and kept talking.

Trust me this had to have been the hardest exercise in self-control I have ever experienced. Mainly because I knew if I imparted my vast knowledge upon him, he would never have to feel the pains of first loves and friendships gone wrong. But those were lessons he needed to learn. I needed to learn to just listen.

Parental Boundaries and Questioning Your Teens

Now does that mean I never asked any questions, discussed expectations or life lessons? No it does not. There were times where the stakes were to high and the consequences would have been to big. At these times I did step in. But since this was no longer the norm, I could handle the eye rolls during these discussions and he could handle listening to my advice – which he will one day appreciate, I am sure.

So what did I learn? I learned to listen without expectations, without judgment, but instead with understanding and most importantly LOVE.

Help for Parents & Family Therapy in Phoenix, Arizona

The Arizona Relationship Institute works with families to overcome numerous family problems through family counseling, group therapy and individual therapy.

Family Counseling for Teens and Parents in Phoenix, AZFamily Counseling for Teens and Parents in Phoenix, AZ

Therapy for Setting Goals

What to Know Before Starting Therapy

The Therapist

Be Honest

Consistency

Practice makes Permanent… Not Perfection

What Issues Can Individual Therapy Help With?

Can Therapy Help with Avoidance Issues?

Does Therapy Help with Confidence Issues?

Can Therapy Help with Anger Issues?

Can Therapy Help with Intimacy Issues?

How Therapy Helps You to Grow

What does it mean to live Authentic?

How Therapy Helps When the Relationship Starts to get “Boring”

When to Go to Couples Therapy

The Need for Relationship Check-Ups

Don’t Put Off Seeking Help for Relationship Questions or Problems

Couples Therapy As Preventative Maintenance

“Couples Therapy is Also a Great Idea When the Relationship is Going Well!”

What Should I expect from a Couples Therapist

Does Couples Therapy Work?

Therapy and Privacy

One Therapist, Two Patients Seeking to Work as One

Tips for Finding a Couples Therapist

Advice from a Therapist on Juggling Roles in your Life

The Segments of Holistic Self Care

Dealing with Rude Teenagers

How Can I Change My Teen’s Behavior?

How Do You Discipline a Teenager that Doesn’t Care?

Disciplining a Defiant Teenager

Challenges of Parenting a Teenager

What Parents of Teens Need to Know

Changing Parenting Styles

Parental Boundaries and Questioning Your Teens

Help for Parents & Family Therapy in Phoenix, Arizona

Contact Us Today to Set Up an Appointment:

Call Us to Schedule an Appointment:

Appointments Available Monday Through Saturday:

Location: 7565 East Eagle Crest DriveSuite 201 (Top Floor) Mesa, AZ 85207

Find Us On Google Maps:

The Arizona Relationship Institute © | All Rights Reserved. 2024 | Privacy Policy

Location:
7565 East Eagle Crest Drive
Suite 201 (Top Floor)
Mesa, AZ 85207