Instagram and Facebook would have us believing that every marriage is happy and perfect. When we fall into the social media trap we may believe that our marriage is the only one that needs work. Relationships are hard. They take work and maintenance to keep it running smoothly.

When two people join into a relationship they may feel they have everything in common, birds sign and the sun shines. However, we soon start to notice the clouds, the birds become annoying and the commonalities may start to become misaligned. These misalignments can drive disconnection, breakdown in communication and become the foundation in which resentments start to build.

How Therapy Helps When the Relationship Starts to get “Boring”

Therapy allows for space in which these things can be addresses. When you put the work in, you and your partner can become that couple longingly looking into each other’s eyes.

When to Go to Couples Therapy

We have all heard the saying “Nothing worth having comes easy.”  The problem is that at the beginning of relationships, it can often seem effortless – we let things go because everything else is going good. As these things build up over time, we wonder where the sunshine and rainbows have gone.

The Need for Relationship Check-Ups

We have regular checkups for physical health and other things in our lives and don’t think twice. We have preventative maintenance, annual checkups, and routines to keep other aspects of our lives healthy.  However, many don’t consider couples therapy until the relationship feels unbearable.

Don’t Put Off Seeking Help for Relationship Questions or Problems

Putting off problems is not how we fix them, that’s how we let them get worse… plumbing problems, health problems, and even relationship problems all should be dealt with early and before the problems get out-of-hand.

Couples Therapy As Preventative Maintenance

Many people are under the impression that you go to therapy when something is wrong. Yes and No, while therapy is a great place to learn new skills, learn effective communication and productive ways to have conversations.

“Couples Therapy is Also a Great Idea When the Relationship is Going Well!”

However, couples therapy is also a great idea when relationships are going well. When a couple enters therapy without issues at hand the therapist can help the couple dive deeper and allow the couple to gain a better understanding of one another, allowing for a deeper connection, and working through hurts and frustrations with one another as a team instead of at each other.

What Should I expect from a Couples Therapist

hen finding a therapist to work with you and your partner, there are somethings to keep in mind.  Is this therapist someone we both feel like we can open up to and trust? Not every couple’s therapist is a great fit for every couple.  If one of the members of the couple does not feel they can be open and honest with the therapist, you may want to keep looking.

Does Couples Therapy Work?

Couples Therapy is 100% More Successful Than Ignoring The Problem. Experience has shown therapists WHY individual relationships fail or succeed. Much like medical professionals study individual “cases” to learn how to treat biological problems, therapists employ therapies that have shown success in wide selection of individual cases. Just like going to a doctor when you are sick gives you a better chance of getting through the problem comfortably, couples who recognize and treat their problems with the help of a therapist have a better chance of getting through their problems comfortably.

Therapy and Privacy

Does the couple’s therapist have a “no Secrets” policy? At times during couples therapy, you and your spouse may be asked to meet individually with the therapist. In order for each member of the couple to feel equally aligned with the therapist, they must trust that the therapist is not holding onto secrets for the other member of the relationship.  When there are issues that you or your partner need to process but are not ready to share individual therapy should be considered.

One Therapist, Two Patients Seeking to Work as One

Can the therapist hold space for both you and your partner? Holding space for others feelings is one of the biggest jobs of a therapist.  A couple therapist must be able to hold space for both members of the couple. Even during times when the emotions are at different ends of the spectrum.  Can the therapist allow for feelings of sadness, hurt, fear and the room still feel safe for you to continue to share feelings.

Tips for Finding a Couples Therapist

A couples’ therapist works from a model or has a philosophy on relationships. Learn what model your potential therapist uses and if this is a model that both you and your partner believe in.  If you are looking to learn communication skills, discuss this with your therapist. If you are looking to dive deep and understand where you and your partners emotions derive from, let the therapist know this is what you are looking for. If a couple is looking for the Emotional Focused Model, but end up with a therapist who uses a solution focused model the couple may not get the results they are hoping for and walk away feeling frustrated.

Discuss your Motivations and Commitment to Therapy as a Couple

Commitment level is also something to talk about with your partner.  Have an understanding as to what each of you are hoping to gain.  Are you both looking for a deeper understanding of one another, learn communication skills, or to try and change the other person? (No, that last one doesn’t work) But if that is the motivation behind attending therapy it is the best that all parties involved know.

Also, what is your commitment to the process. Are you both willing to put in the time and make therapy a priority for the weeks and possibly years that it can take to get a relationship where you want it.  When you are bringing up past hurts and finding new ways to communicate those hurts, therapy can leave one or both of you feeling worse before you feel better. I often explain the process to couples as imagining a wound that has been open and not tended to for years. This wound has never been given the opportunity to heal properly. Right now, that wound is sore and festering, it may hurt to look at let alone touch. The wound is headed in the direction of infection; possibly a terrible scar will form.  Therapy is the process of cleaning out that wound and setting it on course to heal in a healthy way. While it may still leave a scar, it will be a scar that can be talked about without the soreness and hurt that were originally there when the wound occurred.

Arizona Relationship Institute Has a Number of Therapists — Each With Their Own Unique Talents, Specializations, and Personalities

Let Us Help You Find the Therapist that Matches Your Needs

Couples therapy can be an amazing tool for couples to reach a variety of goals from communication, deeper understandings of one another or exploring desire discrepancy.  Knowing what it is that you want for your relationship will allow you and your partner to find a couple’s therapist that will help you reach those goals and to have the loving relationship you deserve.