Divorce rates are high across the United States, and many couples with children are separating or divorcing. When a couple with children decide to separate they often are so caught up in their own problems that that the thoughts and feelings of the children often become secondary.

A strong focus on co-parenting teaches parents to consider the thoughts and feelings of children when making family decisions with outcomes that also affect the children.

How Do We Define “Co-Parenting”?

There are many views on what co-parenting truly is, but co-parenting’s most basic definition is simply 1 or more parents working together for the benefit of a child or children. “Working for the benefit of the child”, being the main point  of co-parenting, parents often need to learn how to put their own wants and needs behind what is best for the benefit of the child or children.

Co-Parenting and Divorced Parents

The most popular view of co-parenting is that of divorced parents working together to raise their children. This easy to understand and relatable situation sees parents setting aside their differences for the benefit of the children. (Think “Mrs. Doubtfire” and other stories that illustrate the need for parents to get over their fighting in order to be better parents to their children).

Can Married Couples Benefit from Co-Parenting Counseling?

Yes! Often simply referred to as “Family Therapy” or “Family Counseling,” families with un-divorced parents can also benefit from the teachings of co parenting therapy. Sometimes even married couples have differences in opinions when it comes to how to raise a child, or what is expected from the children. When the differences of opinions are un-resolvable, parents seek help from family counselors and co-parenting therapists for help to mediate.

Tips for Better Co-Parenting:

Talk, Communicate & Plan – you and your co-parent won’t always agree on everything, but communicating and planning help you to bridge the gaps where you don’t see eye-to-eye. Talk through the differences — use communication as your tool to set aside the issues and focus on the goal: provide the best opportunities possible for your child. With the goal in-mind, and with effective communication, parents can get past any impasse.

Really Listen to What Your Children Say – A child’s mind works more simply than an adult’s, but that does not make them ignorant to what is happening in their lives and what their parents are discussing and acting-out. You should never discount what a child has to say about a situation or a family decision. In fact, it is usually the adults that over-complicate and make situations more complex, while children often have simpler views.

Acknowledge Real World Examples – The world is full of people who are products of their parents decisions. We can see the effects of parenting decisions every day. Sometimes the examples are too real or disturbing for us to bear, so we ignore them. (e.g. acknowledge the statistical issues that children face with limited visitation of a parent, before making a decision that removes/limits a parent’s custody).

Come Together As Strong Parents – Parents should have solidarity in their decisions and actions. If your child is pushing back, or testing the limits of your parental powers, you and your co-parent need to combine powers and stand together firmly. Parents divided against themselves can’t stand together. Unite for the benefit of your child.

Don’t Allow Your Fears and Anxieties Reproduce in Your Children – Many parents are too afraid to say something to their children, or are anxious about telling the truth. This is common in families with more traditional religious or societal values (Parents afraid to answer questions about sexuality from their kids). What you tell your kids is up to you… but don’t run away from their questions. Fear and anxiety is like a virus and your kids can develop fears and anxieties about certain topics, subjects, or their own feelings if they recognize this fear in their parents.

Professionalism as a Parent – When you are dealing with a difficult client or customer at work, you put on a business “hat” or “persona”. You speak politely, softly, and empathetically, working towards a common goal. This is exactly how parents that don’t get along need to act when co-parenting. Set aside your differences and get the job done.

Scheduling Tips for Co-Parenting – Most often, one parent is more organized and better at scheduling and planning than the other. Use each other strengths to work together! Don’t see this as a difference between you, show your child how human beings work together with strengths to overcome weaknesses and get better. Teach your child a positive lesson, instead of being critical of another’s strengths and weaknesses.

Make Sure Your Child Has a Healthy Personal Space – This is all too important; especially when a child is moved between 2 homes. A child needs to have his/her special personal space. A place where they feel comfortable with themselves, away from each parent. It might be as simple as their room or a place in the yard, or maybe at Grandma’s house, or at the library. Children need a safe place that they can “recognize” as their own. The importance of this can be lost in the shuffle between houses, sometimes. Remember to allow your child to be able to personalize their space, or have a space that they can call their own and allow their creativities to run free. Children who don’t have a personal space of their own often seek this out in negative actions (drugs and  alcohol), or at a friend’s house or personal space.

Easily, the most important tip for parents who are separated, divorced, and/or co-parenting is to keep respect for each other as parents.

Couples don’t get along all the time. This is 100% normal. Human beings don’t get along all the time. Human beings can even fight or hurt the ones we love… we are a complex mess. Respect for each other is what holds the whole mess together. Mutual respect is what keeps some married couples together for over 50 years, and is what builds strong families.

Divorced and Separated couples can pass the value of respect to their children, which is one of the most priceless gifts a parent can give.

With respect, you can start co parenting and being friends again.

Why You Should Respect Your Co Parent

You should respect the mother of your child, because she is the mother of your child. This great miracle alone commands the respect of the father. Likewise, you should respect the father of your child, because he is the father of your child. Without the father, there is no child and no miracle. You two have come-together from across the universe to create this miracle and let it grow and learn.

The great miracles of motherhood and fatherhood go beyond our understanding, and sometimes we need to step back and look at the miracle when we get too caught up in the “small stuff.”

The Arizona Relationship Institute offers Co-Parenting Classes and Therapy in Mesa, Arizona.