The decision to get a divorce is usually not an easy one. One of the biggest factors to consider is the impact it will have on your family—particularly the children. If divorce ends up being the best course of action for you and your family, then ensuring that the kids’ needs are fulfilled should be a top priority for both parents.
Impact of Divorce on Children
Time and time again, teachers, officers, judges, counselors, and other professionals involved in the divorce process with parents/children see the negative impact that the divorce solely can have on the kids. According to Anderson (2014), the effects of divorce on children can bleed into the child’s family relationships, education, emotional development, and projected earning power. The negative consequences are more weighted if the divorce is high-conflict. The potential negative consequences the child(ren) experience are losing time with each of their parents, having less financial and economic security, having less emotional security, are less physically healthy, etc. (Anderson, 2014).
Parent/Child Roles in Relationships
Reinforcing the message that no matter what, your children are going to be loved, taken care of, and prioritized, is essential to their emotional and physical development and well-being. It is the job of the children to be children, and the job of the parent to be the parent—those roles should not be mixed. It is not up to your kids to relay messages, to share the opinions you might have of the other parent, or to emotionally support you when you are feeling angry, afraid or upset with the other parent, etc. Doing so inevitably can create confusion, stress, and anxiety for the kids.
The message children receive when they have to bear the weight of the parents’ problems is that they have to choose between their parents. The kids, as human beings, are built and wired to be connected to their parents, and so that can lead to the thinking that if they don’t make the “right choice”, their needs won’t be met and they won’t be loved. They hear that they are “bad” for loving their other parent. A child has parts of each of their parents, and if you tell them that they should be estranged from those other parts, then you are telling them they are not safe to be themselves.
Encourage Healthy Relationships to Ease Grief/Loss
Anderson (2014) highlights that the grief that children experience as a result of their parents getting divorced is ongoing. With every important event (birthdays, holidays, etc.), especially when parents do not get along, that grief is perpetuated because it “reminds the child of his/her loss.” Each parent, as a unique individual, has their own strengths and weaknesses that, barring any abuse or neglect, can help balance the other parent in order to positively impact the children with their own unique differences and vice versa.
If divorce is the right path for your family, then doing everything in your power to encourage healthy relationships between your child and the other parent and your own relationship with your child, despite the personal, individualized relationship that you might have with the other parent, in order to maximize the love, nurture and safety that they get and feel with both of you, is going to be a protection for your children against the already difficult consequences they experience from their parents separating.
Family Divorce Therapy in Mesa, Arizona
The Arizona Relationship Institute offers individual, child, teen, and family counseling for families that are going through a divorce, separation, and associated grief & loss.
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