It is that time of year again… the time of year when we get to see family and friends.  So why is the thought of having to see parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins feel so overwhelming? Many families have been separated for a year or two in a way no one knew how to plan or navigate.

Reconnecting with Family After COVID

Now that we are able to see one another there are a whole bunch of issues that can be polarizing for a family. With questions such as; “Do you like this president?”  “Did you like the last one?”  “Did you get vaccinated?”  “Do you feel the vaccine is unsafe?”, it is no wonder that the thought of a gathering can feel overwhelming.

While some interactions with family can be annoying; there may also be interactions with family members that are downright hurtful.

Here are some tips to hopefully not only survive the holiday season with your family but also so enjoy this time.  

You may have a family where you know the night will erupt into a fight and people will leave the joyous family occasion in anger or with hurt feelings. Doesn’t worry, there are things you can do to navigate the night.  These tips will only help you to remain calm.

Realize Your Responsibilities

Remember, you are NOT responsible for other’s behaviors.  If Uncle Harry wants to get worked up and be angry you cannot manage his feelings for him.  However you have every right to not engage in a conversation that you know will likely turn into an argument. If a family member asks if you are vaccinated or how you feel about possible vaccine mandates you can always replay,” I don’t discuss my vaccine status.”

It takes two people to argue. You do not have to engage in any conversation that you are uncomfortable engaging in.  You are free to say.  “Wow, this conversation has taken a turn, so I think I am going to take a break.”

Invalidating Feelings

At times family members can make us feel like our feelings or opinions don’t matter or carry as much weight as their feelings. This may come across as put downs, snide remarks, or flat out mean comments. When these comments are directed at us it may cause us to shrink within ourselves and walk away from the interaction feeling as if our feelings do not matter or our opinions are not right.

When people invalidate your feelings it says more about how they feel about themselves then you. It is O.K. to call people out when they engage with you in this way. If someone tells you that you are wrong, or you are just not smart enough to understand the subject; you can remind them that your feelings and opinions are yours and yours alone.  Therefore they are not wrong, the other person simply just does not agree with them.

 Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail is often used as a tactic for a person to get their way.  In some families it can occur for so long that the family has just accepted that this is the “way (insert family member’s name) is.” Even when we know this is how Aunt Nelda is this does not mean that what she says is not hurtful.

When a family member tries to get you to do something or attend a function by using a threat such as “Well I guess I will just die alone” they are using your emotions against you.  Emotional blackmailers use fear, obligations, and guilt to get you to do what they want.

Fear: Of course you love grandma and you don’t want her to think otherwise. So when you hear…”Do you want Grandma to think you don’t love her?”  You may jump to do what is asked out of fear that Grandma may actually believe this.

Obligations:   A family member may say things to make you feel as if you somehow owe them for what they have done for you.  When you hear comments such as;” I guess I spent all those late nights helping you with homework for nothing… now you cannot even make time to come see me.” You can be assured the person is using your feelings regarding obligation to repaying acts of kindness or service that should not have come at a cost.

Guilt: When family members cannot handle your circumstances or feelings matching theirs, they may use guilt as a form of emotional blackmail. Hearing things like;”How can you be happy in your relationship when you know your brother is going through a divorce”?  “You must think your better than everyone else, with your new fancy job.”  There is no reason that you need to feel guilty for your accomplishments or good things going on in your life.  You can feel joy and still have empathy for those who are experiencing hard times.

Emotional blackmail can only work when you let it.  If you know your truth and can stand in it you are able to let the your family member know that there are valid reasons why you are not able to do what they are asking of you.  Reminding these individuals that you can also celebrate your accomplishments while being understanding of others misfortunes just as they would want their accomplishments acknowledged.

Gaslighting:

This word has become more commonly used as of late.  Hearing something we don’t like or a differing of opinion is not gas lighting.  Gas lighting is much more hurtful and destructive. This occurs when someone tries to make you believed something did not happen.  You may not feel comfortable attending a gathering if you have been abused by a family member who would also be present at the gathering.   Hearing “Well, I don’t think that ever happened.” “Are you not over that yet?” or “Oh it was just boys being boys.” Can not only be hurtful but can also make you start to doubt your reality or that what happened to you matters.

If you believe that a family member is using Gas lighting as a way to get you to comply with the way they think, feel or believe there are ways to protect yourself. Realize that the person is trying to assert power over you. You can voice what happened to you, them believing it does not change what occurred.  Ground yourself.  Speaking with a gas lighter can be very triggering. By grounding yourself you are able to see the tactic for what it is; manipulation; and not an attack on you.  Do not engage in an argument, someone who gaslights will argue to no end and you will often walk away feeling worse and unheard.  When you recognize the gas lighting and you are not able to stop the conversation…WALK AWAY!

Ways to Survive:

If you know anything about therapists you know we love boundaries.  We love helping our clients learn to set them, maintain them and express those boundaries to others. When dealing with families members, especially those who may be a little less than mentally healthy for us the only way to have a relationship with them and maintain our stability is to have clear defined boundaries.

You may feel that you cannot tell a family member especially an older family member what an acceptable way to talk to you looks like.

Prior to the holiday visit decide what is and what is not acceptable for you.  Rehearse the responses you will use, when someone speaks or treats you in a way that is unacceptable. When the opportunity presents itself, you can respond in a kind but clear way that lets the other person know that what they have done is no longer acceptable and will not be behavior you are willing to tolerate.

Acknowledge the other person’s perspective but let them know that how they speak is not ok.

“I understand you are under a lot of stress, however I am not going to allow you to yell at me.  We can continue this conversation at a later time.”

Don’t Isolate

At times the thought of being around family or at an obligatory event can feel overwhelming. Remember you do have the right to say no.  You are not required to be anyplace or with anyone you feel is unhealthy for you. However, also making sure you are also surrounding yourself with people you do enjoy and are good for you makes getting through the tough times that much easier.