Having healthy relationships and connections with others is imperative to our overall health and wellness as humans. We are built for connection. However, we often don’t consider how our relationship with and view of ourselves impacts our relationships and individual health. There is a quote that says, “we accept the love we think we deserve.” If we do not have a positive view of ourselves, it seems unlikely that we would have healthy and fulfilling relationships with others.
What is Self Esteem?
Self-esteem can be defined as one’s confidence and value in themselves. It is how we see ourselves and thus impacts how we relate to others and the world. It involves our own opinions, beliefs, judgements, feelings and values about ourselves.
People who exude confidence and practice good self-care habits have better self-esteem because they place value in themselves (GoodTherapy, 2018). If we value ourselves, we are motivated to take care of ourselves with positive self-talk, healthy mental/physical nutrition, and a loving/supportive network. Conversely, those with low self-esteem are more likely to suffer from mental and physical health concerns like depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and/or substance use (Henriksen, Ranøyen, Indrdavik, & Stenseng, 2017).
Overcoming Criticism and Negative Judgement
Self-esteem plays a vital role in mental and physical well-being, particularly for developing adolescents. While self-esteem generally increases as people get older, there are big differences for self-esteem depending on age and gender (American Psychological Association, 2016). As a child, if we feel listened to, respected and accepted, we are more likely to grow up having higher self-esteem and confidence in our abilities. If we experience more criticism, negative judgement and doubt for mistakes or our abilities as a child, it is more likely to negatively impact our self-esteem and lead to behavioral and mental health problems (Sussex Publishers, 2019).
Low self-worth can be chronic and ongoing or triggered by an event, stress and/or trauma. Practicing mindfulness and identifying what your triggers are, what the negative thoughts/dialogue sounds like, and with who/where you’re experiencing more self-doubt can be helpful in implementing change.
Therapy for Low Self Esteem & Building Confidence
If you notice that you have low self-esteem and would like to work towards loving yourself more, therapy is a great place to start. In the meantime, you can practice daily affirmations, identifying and focusing on your strengths, and surrounding yourself with others that help you feel loved and accepted. It’s also important to remember that “comparison is the thief of happiness”, so comparing yourself to others is most likely going to be more harmful than helpful in increasing your self-esteem.
Dr. John Gottman, a relationship and marital psychologist and researcher, emphasizes the 5 to 1 ratio for positive to negative interactions in relationships for couples to maintain happiness and balance. My personal spin on this is to utilize the 5 to 1 ratio in our relationship with ourselves, which means catching our negative self-talk and thoughts, then being intentional with changing them to speak more positively, kindly and compassionately to ourselves.
“Remove the ‘I want you to like me’ sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs.”
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American Psychological Association. (2016). Self-esteem gender gap more pronounced in western countries. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2016/01/self-esteem-gender
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GoodTherapy. 2018. Confidence pick-me-up! self-esteem quotes to boost your mood. GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/confidence-pick-me-up-self-esteem-quotes-to-boost-your-mood-0526187
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Henriksen IO, Ranøyen I, Indredavik MS, Stenseng F. 2017. The role of self-esteem in the development of psychiatric problems: a three-year prospective study in a clinical sample of adolescents. Child Adolesc Psychiatry Ment Health. 11:68. doi: 10.1186/s13034-017-0207-y. PMID: 29299058; PMCID: PMC5747942.
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Sussex Publishers. (2019). The relationship with yourself. Psychology Today. https:/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sustainable-life-satisfaction/201906/the-relationship-yourself
