I can’t tell you how many people sit down in my office and say, “I’ve been reading online about narcissists, and [x] fits the textbook definition of one!” Everyone seems to know at least one or two. As your counselor, I’m an advocate for you. I’m on your team. So when you bring up that narcissist in our session, I’m going to hold so much compassion and empathy for you and what you went through with that person because your experience is important. It matters.

However, as an advocate for you, I think it’s also important to consider your own fighting styles, behaviors, and thought processes that went into the results of those outcomes, whether it be continued stress at a job from your employer, separation from a relationship that you never felt peace in, or teetering back-and-forth between inviting your parents to their grandchildren’s birthday parties or refraining from inviting them to anything ever again.

Debunking the Myths About NPD

Contrary to popular belief, if we are following the “textbook definition” of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), then it’s likely that [x] wouldn’t actually meet the clinical requirements for that diagnosis given that only 1-2% of the population actually qualifies for a clinical diagnosis, according to the American Psychiatric Association (2024).

Social media pop culture perpetuates this idea that if someone does not like you, disagrees with you, treats you disrespectfully, or constantly fights with you, then the “reason” for that is because they are grade-A narcissists, do not have it in their nature to see your point of view, nor do they care about your point of view, and you’re just an innocent bystander in the burning path of the wrath of someone who is not capable of compassion in the slightest. They’re too self-absorbed, full of themselves, and busy believing they are always right, no matter what, to lend even an ounce of empathy.

Identifying Unhealthy Communication Patterns

I’ve been in a tumultuous relationship. I can tell you, that while that relationship was not the right one for me, I also was not completely innocent. Looking back, I expressed myself in ways that I’m not proud of. I also don’t judge myself too harshly for reacting in the ways I only knew how at the time.

If you got into an argument with your partner and they yelled at you while you sat there zoning out on the couch, then I know we can all agree that yelling is not going to be the most effective in resolving whatever the conflict is. That is a vastly inappropriate way to communicate anger. That’s not how anyone deserves to be treated.Conversely, If you got into an argument with your partner and they yelled at you while you sat there on the couch and smiled at them to their face to egg them on and instigate a further escalated reaction. Which is way more subtle and covertly aggressive, but you omitted that information from others when sharing the details of the conflict. All you are doing is owning a victim mentality and ignoring your contribution to the fight, which is going to give you the same results you’ve only ever gotten.

Neither of those ways, overtly or covertly, aggressive or passive-aggressive, are healthy and effective ways to communicate negative emotions, which we all experience as human beings and are entitled to express in a safe space.

Addressing Abuse and Maintaining Boundaries

In no way, shape, or form am I or will I ever condone abuse of any type (mental, physical, or emotional). It is your responsibility to treat others with respect and care. If you are being abused or believe you might be being abused, we can get you the help you need and work with you through the traumatic experiences you’ve endured. NPD is a serious concern and will be treated as such.

The Person-Centered Approach to Therapy

As an advocate for mental health and each individual’s story, I use a person-centered therapeutic approach in sessions, which means you as the client bring what you need to the table and that I do not judge it or criticize you, but rather BELIEVE you and your story, then work as a guide or resource to support you while YOU do your own work.

Taking Accountability and Recognizing Boundaries

Judgment (for both others and ourselves) usually doesn’t work too well. Part of doing the work for all of us is recognizing and taking accountability for ourselves, including owning shortcomings and contributions to conflicts. It is perfectly healthy to have boundaries and to abide by the boundaries of others. It is also normal to view the opposing force in a negative light when conflict ensues. Their negative qualities will be emphasized because our own bodies are trained to respond to danger in order to protect ourselves.

What I will encourage is to own your piece of it, whatever that is. Everyone’s “piece” looks differently, and we as counselors are not here to judge it, we just want to help you observe it to incite the changes you need and want.

The Power of Emotionally Focused Therapy

The counselors at AZRI are trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, which is a therapeutic approach that hones in on underlying emotions and relational needs by identifying what is called a “negative communication cycle.” The negative communication cycle is represented by an infinity loop (each side of the loop is each person in the dynamic), and on the surface level, consists of behaviors and interpretations, while the deeper level is comprised of the felt emotions and attachment needs.

Being able to practice mindfulness and minimally take ownership of your side of the cycle is the first step in changing the negative feedback loop so that you can improve your relationships. The couples/individuals that are willing to practice mindfulness, take ownership of their part in the relationship distress, and move with intentionality in their communication usually come out on the other side with additional perspective, healthy, assertive communication skills, and more compassion/empathy for themselves and others.

Empowerment Through Self-Awareness

I ask that before you diagnose your ex, your mother-in-law, your boss, or your partner with NPD, try first to focus your energy on developing an awareness of the work you can do, what boundaries you need to establish to protect yourself, and communication tools that are going to serve you in the long term. That way, moving forward, you can control the change that you actually HAVE control of, and that will help you have healthier relationships with others and with yourself.

If you still land on the other person being a Narcissist, then worst-case scenario, you would have acquired some self-care strategies and tools to keep yourself safe, happy, and healthy.

Therapy for Narcissistic Personality Disorder in Arizona

The Arizona Relationship Institute in Mesa, Arizona has counselors and therapists that specialize in treating personality disorders like NPD. Start your free 15 minute consultation with AZRI to begin…