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Author: Donnella Corey

Donnella is a high-energy mental health professional who enjoys working with couples and individuals that are seeking to improve their personal/intimate relationships; however, she services a variety of clients, including couples/relationships, individuals and groups. She has a master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling.
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Stop Rolling the Dice on Love: Build the Relationship You Deserve

Understanding the patterns behind divorce, and how intentional healing can create lasting connection.

It’s no secret that the divorce rates are high in the United States, with approximately 43% of first marriages ending in divorce, according to Kennedy and Ruggles (2022).  

What may be more surprising to learn is that second, third, and so forth, marriages continue to increase in probability of ending in divorce. So much for old cliches (“fool me once, shame on you…” and “third time’s a charm.”) Roughly 60-67% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages end in divorce (Forbes Advisor, 2025). 

The rates are pretty astounding and let’s just say I wouldn’t be placing any high bets in Vegas hoping for favorable results if marriage tokens keep getting put in the penny slot machines on impulse. 

Why Do Second (and Third) Marriages Fail More Often?

Why is this the case? It seems that lessons would be learned, and I certainly do not have expectations that someone be willing to forego one of the most beautiful feelings of the human experience (AKA love), especially given our innate and biological need for it. It’s a big question and not one that has been explored very much; however, a good place to start is looking to the biggest contributors to divorce in the first place. 

According to Forbes Advisor (2025), the top five contributors to divorce are 1) lack of commitment (75%), 2) infidelity (60%), 3) excessive conflict/frequent arguing (58%), 4) married too young (45%), and 5) financial problems (38%). Domestic abuse and substance abuse are also noteworthy contenders (Forbes Advisor, 2025). 

What Makes Love Last?

Conversely, reasons for long-term successful marriages (because we need to know what we’re doing RIGHT, not just what we’re doing wrong!) include shared religious beliefs and spirituality, commitment/loyalty, intimacy (not just sexually, but that’s important, too!), effective communication/problem-solving skills, and alignment in values and beliefs (Systematic Review, 2022). 

Both the reasons for divorce and longevity/success in marriage are nuanced and complicated. Commitment, for example, is not just agreeing to not engage in infidelity, but to dedicate a concerted effort to the marriage’s welfare on a daily basis. Infidelity, while devastating, also can be overcome with high success rates if intentionally worked on and through in couple’s therapy or workshops. 

These contributors, while not exclusively the responsibility of only one partner in the relationship, need to be taken into serious consideration and thoroughly explored before diving right into another marital relationship to avoid becoming a part of these disheartening statistics. 

How Long Should You Date Before Marriage?

I understand we oftentimes are hoping for a future within our relationships and would like the commitment piece now. We want to be reassured that it’s all going to work out and our efforts aren’t for naught. No one that wants to get married envisions dating or being engaged forever. 

So then how long really is long enough to date someone to truly gauge success in marriage? This isn’t something with a distinct, correct answer; however, research shows that dating for at least a year can decrease the risk of divorce by 20% (Business Insider, 2017) and dating for at least three years can decrease the risk of divorce by 50% (Couples Analytics, 2025). 

The “Honeymoon Phase” and Hidden Red Flags

That’s helpful to know if you have genuinely done the work to heal your attachment patterns, but if you struggle with feelings of loneliness, shame, or self-doubt, then enter into another relationship right away,  you might go and trigger what’s called a “honeymoon phase”, which engages the brains reward response, potentially blurring any “red flags” in your new partner and abruptly shifting the focus to the idealizations of a relationship instead of yourself and own patterns. 

As a result, our love goo-goo eye goggles are tinted red, masking our relational triggers, and thus preventing the imperative need for improved boundaries, better communication skills, or genuine authenticity in being ourselves, which will ultimately lead to the inevitable: if not divorce, then high dissatisfaction and potential symptoms of depression/anxiety. 

Preventative Steps: Building Healthier Relationships

So let’s talk about some preventative measures that can be played strategically from our hands instead of just rolling the dice and hoping for the best:

Start With Self-Reflection and Therapy

Therapy, both individually and/or with your partner, can be incredibly helpful and insightful. Pre-marital or relationship counseling can encourage healthy communication, help you to develop a plan and discuss combined previous patterns by a professional that is an advocate for you as a team. 

Individually, being willing to delve into your own history and patterns with someone who is as objective as possible, but again, an advocate for you, can bring to light important work that can be done on your own behalf. 

Seek Honest Feedback From Loved Ones

Reaching out to trusted friends and family for support. What do the people that care about you and love you think and feel about your potential spouse?

We do want to be careful with this. All too often our own blind spots are generational or enabled by our surrounding circle by blind loyalty, and we don’t necessarily want that, either, but if people in your life that you know have your best interests at heart are telling you to pay attention, we can be curious about what it is that they are trying to say, without giving them final authority on the decision being made. 

Learn From Your Own History

Reading previous journal entries, letters or texts about or to previous partners can also be incredibly insightful as well, if possible. I want to emphasize that here, I don’t mean re-reading or re-living your previous trauma and harboring on all the negative things that your ex contributed to the relationship. 

This is supposed to be with the intention of looking at your own communication styles, your own behaviors, how you reacted or responded to things, how you felt in scenarios, etc. This isn’t meant to be dismissive of your experiences or emotions, but more so intentional in identifying what sort of strategies you employ when you are hurt, in conflict, or desiring in order to give you a leg up on what you do have the power to change and control, without harping on all the wrong-doings of others. 

Moving Forward With Hope

It’s always okay that we make mistakes because that’s how we learn and grow. Just because someone had been married previously does not mean that something is wrong with them, or that they are incapable of being amazing spouses. Anyone can find happiness, love and security in subsequent marriages as long as they are willing to do the work. 

Works cited

Business Insider. (2017). How long you should date before you get married. https://www.businessinsider.com/how-long-you-should-date-before-you-get-married-2017-10

Couples Analytics. (2025). How long should you date before marriage. https://couplesanalytics.com/science/how-long-should-you-date-before-marriage

Forbes Advisor. (2025). Revealing divorce statistics in 2025. In Forbes Advisor. https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/divorce-statistics/

Kennedy, S., & Ruggles, S. (2023). First marriage dissolution by gender and education, 2023 (Family Profile No. FP-23-02). National Center for Family & Marriage Research. https://www.bgsu.edu/ncfmr/resources/data/family-profiles/fp-23-02.html

Systematic Review. (2022). Protective factors of marital stability in long-term marriage globally: A systematic review.BMC Psychology. Retrieved from PubMed Central.

Written 9/30/2025
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Compassion Fatigue in Counseling: What It Is and Why It Matters

The Common Perception of Therapy Work

“I could never do your job” is a commonly expressed sentiment to therapists from others, even amongst specific types of therapists to other types of therapists (working with substance abuse, to kids, to couples, etc.) When this is said, people are usually referencing their perceived limitations of mental and emotional capacity to help others on a consistent basis. The idea is that chronic exposure to the suffering of others would result in what is called compassion fatigue. 

What is Compassion Fatigue?

Compassion fatigue (CF) is defined as indifference and/or exhaustion physically, emotionally and mentally as a result of secondhand traumatic stress combined with burnout from caring for others. Indications of compassion fatigue include irritability, burnout, emotional numbing and reduced empathy, but can include various emotional, cognitive, behavioral and physical symptoms. 

Symptoms and Consequences

Other identifiable CF symptoms are social withdrawal, difficulty concentrating, reduced sense of purpose, fatigue/insomnia, and weakened immune response. These symptoms unchecked can lead to maladaptive ways of coping, such as avoiding certain situations/people, difficulty with boundaries and/or increased use of substances/food/etc.

Who is Affected by Compassion Fatigue?

It’s prevalent in fields where there is emotional and physical caretaking. Healthcare workers, first responders, and educators, for example, have varying rates of CF. Craig and Sprang (2010) reported 23.3% of counselors experience high CF. The rates are actually (and maybe surprisingly) generally lower than other helping professional fields, like veterinary care, legal aid, human resources, and teaching, likely due to required training, supervision and emphasis on self-care in the field of counseling. 

Client Concerns and Boundaries

There have been instances where clients will check in on how I’m doing or worry about how the things that they are telling me are impacting me. While it is usually an intentional kindness conveyed on behalf of a client, it is not a space that is supposed to be held for the therapist. 

Ethical Responsibility of Therapists

As a professional counselor, it is our ethical duty to tend to our own self-care in order to promote competency and effectiveness, as well as prevent doing harm to our clients. It is written in what’s called our ACA Code of Ethics, which are professional guidelines that we must follow in the field of counseling (American Counseling Association, 2014, C.2.g.). 

Impact on the Therapeutic Relationship

CF can impact anyone, but professionally speaking, people who are relying on a mental health professional for support can be dangerously impacted if that therapist is experiencing CF. In therapy, one of the biggest predictors of successful outcomes is the relationship that exists between therapist and client, regardless of techniques and modalities used (Martin, Garske, & Davis, 2000). 

There are many ways that CF can negatively influence how a therapist presents in session, including impaired clinical judgement, blurred boundaries, modeling of unhealthy coping skills, irritability and withdrawal, lack of of professionalism, and more.

If that therapist sends off signals that they have limited or no capacity for presence, have impaired clinical judgement, or the what was already a solid, healthy relationship begins to diminish, then a client may fall victim to harm or regression by missing opportunities for goal accomplishment, no longer trusting the therapist, or feeling confused, conflicted and/or abandoned. 

Recognizing and Addressing Compassion Fatigue

If you are identifying with CF, the first step is awareness. As Brene Brown so eloquently said, “You can’t intervene in a world you can’t see.” Preventative care is always best, but it’s okay if you are already at this point as long as you acknowledge and tend to it. 

Focusing on self-care practices, such as starting therapy, engaging in physical exercise, getting into good sleep routines, setting up supervision or mentorship, identifying and practicing boundaries, and finding fulfillment through enjoyable activities outside of work, are beneficial in lowering symptoms of or preventing CF. 

When You Suspect a Professional is Experiencing CF

If you think that a professional helping you may be experiencing CF, do not dismiss your feelings. Some things to pay attention to are if you notice there are shifts in behavior, continuously missed sessions or time off, and seeing considerable disengagement across sessions. 

Taking note of what has been happening, naming your experience to discuss (only if you feel emotionally safe to do so), and seeking support elsewhere is perfectly okay to do to ensure that you are getting the care you need. Self-compassion is necessary here, regardless of whether you are the professional experiencing CF or you are the person on the receiving end of someone experiencing CF. 

References

American Counseling Association. (2014). ACA Code of Ethics. https://www.counseling.org/resources/aca-code-of-ethics.pdf

Craig, C. D., & Sprang, G. (2010). Compassion satisfaction, compassion fatigue, and burnout in a national sample of trauma treatment therapists. Anxiety, Stress & Coping, 23(3), 319–339. https://doi.org/10.1080/10615800903085818

Martin, D. J., Garske, J. P., & Davis, M. K. (2000). Relation of the therapeutic alliance with outcome and other variables: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 68(3), 438–450. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.68.3.438

Written (9/5/2025)
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5 Tips & Tricks on Effectively Blending Your Families

One of my most enjoyable niches as a couple’s therapist that I’ve discovered is working with blended family couples. Coming from a big blended family myself, as well as living and breathing the blended family life currently, I thought it might be helpful to create a quick tips- and-tricks list for those of you also in a blended family. I’m both a biological and step-parent, so these tips can be applied from either perspective.

1. Prior to blending families, take your time in introducing the kids to your partner and to each other.

It’s a slow roll, and these are big decisions that shouldn’t be made lightly or in haste.

Get your kids’ feedback. Don’t expect your kids to like them just because you do.

Check in on and allow them to have their feelings about your partner, their children, and/or potentiality of integration and transitions before making any big changes like moving in, getting married, etc.

It’s not that they ultimately get to make those calls, but just that you want to reinforce that they are important and a priority and that their feelings matter.

2. Acceptance that you can’t control EVERYTHING

(and also, recognizing if there’s a desire to, how much undue stress comes with unrealistic expectations you’re placing on yourself/others).

Give yourself reassurance that you can control what YOU can control. For example, maybe you don’t have complete control over scheduling because you’ve got 4 kids in different extracurriculars, but when it comes to which kids need to be where during specific times that correspond to your off-hours, you can work with your partner on scheduling needs for your family.

What this might sound like is, “Would you mind taking [x] to their practice, and I’ll take [y] to their gym? Then I can start dinner if you don’t mind finishing up?”

3. Remind yourself that there are multiple relationships and thus relational needs to tend to…

—not just you and your partner/spouse, not just your relationship with the kids, but also the kids’ relationships amongst each other, your partner and their kids, your partner and your kids, etc.

4. Do not speak ill of ex-partners/co-parents.

Seriously. No matter what you hear from the kids, no matter what your perceptions are of what is happening on the other side.

There’s a difference between talking poorly of another because of your own feelings and speaking factually and cordially based on age-appropriate needs.

Teaching and, more importantly, modeling for your kids basic respect, emotional regulation and conflict resolution skills will help enforce that they are the main priority and that the roles are not reversed, nor will they be punished or wrong for loving someone they are naturally bonded to.

Your kids are the ones that suffer the consequences when you speak unfavorably of the other parent—not the other parent, regardless of your intent.

5. Schedule time with just you and your kids, just you and your partner, and self-care time for YOU.

I understand time is of the essence—especially the bigger your family is. It can feel overwhelming to try to balance it all. Every family is different, but date nights for you and your partner should be a necessity.

You have to take care of the foundation, the glue, to make sure there are no big cracks and continuously remind yourselves of what all the hard work is for.

With your own children, you are their main connection. It’s not that they don’t care for the other adult(s) in the home, but just that they need to feel that sense of safety, security and connection with the “home base.”

Finally, you need to take care of you. Blended families have the same problems as nuclear families, but the problems and stress can be much worse due to a variety of factors—financially accommodating a larger family, increased scheduling needs, conflicts with co-parents, strains on the individual or group dynamics in the home, etc.

Identifying and establishing some boundaries/limitations for yourself doesn’t make you a bad parent or stepparent. In fact, it showcases for our children that exhaustion is not a prerequisite for success.

There are so many types of blended families and various factors that contribute to problems and stressors in them.
These 5 tips don’t cover the half of it, but they are a good start!
If you’re needing additional support, find a couple’s counselor to help during the process, check out some podcasts and books, and/or join some support groups for stepparents/blended family life online.
Written (7/13/2025)
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Understanding Narcissism: Why Self-Reflection is Key to Healthier Relationships

Understanding the Narcissist Label

I can’t tell you how many people sit down in my office and say, “I’ve been reading online about narcissists, and [x] fits the textbook definition of one!” Everyone seems to know at least one or two. As your counselor, I’m an advocate for you. I’m on your team. So when you bring up that narcissist in our session, I’m going to hold so much compassion and empathy for you and what you went through with that person because your experience is important. It matters.

However, as an advocate for you, I think it’s also important to consider your own fighting styles, behaviors, and thought processes that went into the results of those outcomes, whether it be continued stress at a job from your employer, separation from a relationship that you never felt peace in, or teetering back-and-forth between inviting your parents to their grandchildren’s birthday parties or refraining from inviting them to anything ever again.

Debunking the Myths About NPD

Contrary to popular belief, if we are following the “textbook definition” of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), then it’s likely that [x] wouldn’t actually meet the clinical requirements for that diagnosis given that only 1-2% of the population actually qualifies for a clinical diagnosis, according to the American Psychiatric Association (2024).

Social media pop culture perpetuates this idea that if someone does not like you, disagrees with you, treats you disrespectfully, or constantly fights with you, then the “reason” for that is because they are grade-A narcissists, do not have it in their nature to see your point of view, nor do they care about your point of view, and you’re just an innocent bystander in the burning path of the wrath of someone who is not capable of compassion in the slightest. They’re too self-absorbed, full of themselves, and busy believing they are always right, no matter what, to lend even an ounce of empathy.

Identifying Unhealthy Communication Patterns

I’ve been in a tumultuous relationship. I can tell you, that while that relationship was not the right one for me, I also was not completely innocent. Looking back, I expressed myself in ways that I’m not proud of. I also don’t judge myself too harshly for reacting in the ways I only knew how at the time.

If you got into an argument with your partner and they yelled at you while you sat there zoning out on the couch, then I know we can all agree that yelling is not going to be the most effective in resolving whatever the conflict is. That is a vastly inappropriate way to communicate anger. That’s not how anyone deserves to be treated.Conversely, If you got into an argument with your partner and they yelled at you while you sat there on the couch and smiled at them to their face to egg them on and instigate a further escalated reaction. Which is way more subtle and covertly aggressive, but you omitted that information from others when sharing the details of the conflict. All you are doing is owning a victim mentality and ignoring your contribution to the fight, which is going to give you the same results you’ve only ever gotten.

Neither of those ways, overtly or covertly, aggressive or passive-aggressive, are healthy and effective ways to communicate negative emotions, which we all experience as human beings and are entitled to express in a safe space.

Addressing Abuse and Maintaining Boundaries

In no way, shape, or form am I or will I ever condone abuse of any type (mental, physical, or emotional). It is your responsibility to treat others with respect and care. If you are being abused or believe you might be being abused, we can get you the help you need and work with you through the traumatic experiences you’ve endured. NPD is a serious concern and will be treated as such.

The Person-Centered Approach to Therapy

As an advocate for mental health and each individual’s story, I use a person-centered therapeutic approach in sessions, which means you as the client bring what you need to the table and that I do not judge it or criticize you, but rather BELIEVE you and your story, then work as a guide or resource to support you while YOU do your own work.

Taking Accountability and Recognizing Boundaries

Judgment (for both others and ourselves) usually doesn’t work too well. Part of doing the work for all of us is recognizing and taking accountability for ourselves, including owning shortcomings and contributions to conflicts. It is perfectly healthy to have boundaries and to abide by the boundaries of others. It is also normal to view the opposing force in a negative light when conflict ensues. Their negative qualities will be emphasized because our own bodies are trained to respond to danger in order to protect ourselves.

What I will encourage is to own your piece of it, whatever that is. Everyone’s “piece” looks differently, and we as counselors are not here to judge it, we just want to help you observe it to incite the changes you need and want.

The Power of Emotionally Focused Therapy

The counselors at AZRI are trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, which is a therapeutic approach that hones in on underlying emotions and relational needs by identifying what is called a “negative communication cycle.” The negative communication cycle is represented by an infinity loop (each side of the loop is each person in the dynamic), and on the surface level, consists of behaviors and interpretations, while the deeper level is comprised of the felt emotions and attachment needs.

Being able to practice mindfulness and minimally take ownership of your side of the cycle is the first step in changing the negative feedback loop so that you can improve your relationships. The couples/individuals that are willing to practice mindfulness, take ownership of their part in the relationship distress, and move with intentionality in their communication usually come out on the other side with additional perspective, healthy, assertive communication skills, and more compassion/empathy for themselves and others.

Empowerment Through Self-Awareness

I ask that before you diagnose your ex, your mother-in-law, your boss, or your partner with NPD, try first to focus your energy on developing an awareness of the work you can do, what boundaries you need to establish to protect yourself, and communication tools that are going to serve you in the long term. That way, moving forward, you can control the change that you actually HAVE control of, and that will help you have healthier relationships with others and with yourself.

If you still land on the other person being a Narcissist, then worst-case scenario, you would have acquired some self-care strategies and tools to keep yourself safe, happy, and healthy.

Therapy for Narcissistic Personality Disorder in Arizona

The Arizona Relationship Institute in Mesa, Arizona has counselors and therapists that specialize in treating personality disorders like NPD. Start your free 15 minute consultation with AZRI to begin…

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American Psychiatric Association. (2024). What is narcissistic personality disorder?. Psychiatry.org – What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder? https://www.psychiatry.org/news-room/apa-blogs/what-is-narcissistic-personality-disorder 
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Children of Divorce

The decision to get a divorce is usually not an easy one. One of the biggest factors to consider is the impact it will have on your family—particularly the children. If divorce ends up being the best course of action for you and your family, then ensuring that the kids’ needs are fulfilled should be a top priority for both parents.

Child Therapist for Divorce Issues in Arizona - AZRI - The Arizona Relationship Institute

Impact of Divorce on Children

Time and time again, teachers, officers, judges, counselors, and other professionals involved in the divorce process with parents/children see the negative impact that the divorce solely can have on the kids. According to Anderson (2014), the effects of divorce on children can bleed into the child’s family relationships, education, emotional development, and projected earning power. The negative consequences are more weighted if the divorce is high-conflict. The potential negative consequences the child(ren) experience are losing time with each of their parents, having less financial and economic security, having less emotional security, are less physically healthy, etc. (Anderson, 2014).
Being asked to choose sides in a divorce.

Parent/Child Roles in Relationships

Reinforcing the message that no matter what, your children are going to be loved, taken care of, and prioritized, is essential to their emotional and physical development and well-being. It is the job of the children to be children, and the job of the parent to be the parent—those roles should not be mixed. It is not up to your kids to relay messages, to share the opinions you might have of the other parent, or to emotionally support you when you are feeling angry, afraid or upset with the other parent, etc. Doing so inevitably can create confusion, stress, and anxiety for the kids.
The message children receive when they have to bear the weight of the parents’ problems is that they have to choose between their parents. The kids, as human beings, are built and wired to be connected to their parents, and so that can lead to the thinking that if they don’t make the “right choice”, their needs won’t be met and they won’t be loved. They hear that they are “bad” for loving their other parent. A child has parts of each of their parents, and if you tell them that they should be estranged from those other parts, then you are telling them they are not safe to be themselves.

Encourage Healthy Relationships to Ease Grief/Loss

Anderson (2014) highlights that the grief that children experience as a result of their parents getting divorced is ongoing. With every important event (birthdays, holidays, etc.), especially when parents do not get along, that grief is perpetuated because it “reminds the child of his/her loss.” Each parent, as a unique individual, has their own strengths and weaknesses that, barring any abuse or neglect, can help balance the other parent in order to positively impact the children with their own unique differences and vice versa.
If divorce is the right path for your family, then doing everything in your power to encourage healthy relationships between your child and the other parent and your own relationship with your child, despite the personal, individualized relationship that you might have with the other parent, in order to maximize the love, nurture and safety that they get and feel with both of you, is going to be a protection for your children against the already difficult consequences they experience from their parents separating.
Divorce and Relationship Therapy for Healing Break Ups in Arizona

Family Divorce Therapy in Mesa, Arizona

The Arizona Relationship Institute offers individual, child, teen, and family counseling for families that are going through a divorce, separation, and associated grief & loss.

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References
Anderson J. (2014). The impact of family structure on the health of children: Effects of divorce. Linacre Q. 81(4):378-87. doi: 10.1179/0024363914Z.00000000087. PMID: 25473135; PMCID: PMC4240051.
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Attachment Theory and Relationships

Attachment Theory and Relationships - AZRI - Arizona Relationship Institute

 

Attachment Theory and Relationships
By Donnella Lincoln, LAC

When we are first born, we are completely helpless. We cannot feed ourselves, change ourselves, or protect ourselves. We have to rely on our parents or caregivers to do that for us. Our survival depends on depending on others. This is not true for every creature on Earth. Snakes, for example, do not need their mother snakes to look after them once they are hatched. They are able to immediately move around, catch their own prey and protect themselves. As a human being, because our survival depends on others fulfilling our needs, we have what’s called proximity seeking behaviors. Our bodies, specifically our nervous systems, are directly connected to our attachments and relationships.

Attachment Therapy Counselors in Mesa Arizona - AZRI - The Arizona Relationship Institute

What Is Attachment Theory?

For example, a baby crying is never a baby crying for no reason. The baby is in some sort of distress. A baby cannot communicate immediately if it is hungry, tired, cold, hurt, etc., so it engages help by crying. Most people are averse to hearing a baby cry, which is the exact evolutionary point of the baby being able to cry to begin with. It ideally springs the caregiver into action to respond to the baby and fulfill its needs so that the crying ceases. Crying is a proximity seeking behavior.

As we grow older, we develop more communication skills and more independence; however, how responsive our caregivers were to our needs and our expectations (usually subconscious) to those needs being met, shapes how we continue to request or demand that our needs be met.

Therapy For Attachment Styles in Mesa Arizona - AZRI

What Are Attachment Styles?

Thus, the concept of attachment theory, styles and strategies is born. Research has shown that we are built and wired for connection. Our bodies are oftentimes more apt at remembering how we have previously succeeded in having our needs met than our logic and reasoning thoughts. If crying has been successful in making sure my needs are met, then that’s what I am going to do next time I have a need that needs to be addressed, even if I am not aware that’s what I’m doing.

Therapy for Attachment Styles - Attachment Theory in Mesa Arizona - AZRI

Secure Attachment VS. Insecure Attachment and Avoidant Attachment Style

There are two categories of attachment styles—secure and insecure. Secure attachment style (secure behavioral and emotional responses) is indicative that a person, either growing up or in their adult relationships, feels safe, nurtured, and responded to sufficiently in their needs, physically and emotionally. Their nervous systems are not thrown into complete dysregulation at every sign of conflict, big or small, and they are not guessing if they are loved or cared for by others. They feel safe to explore the world, manage themselves and fulfill their own needs as well. There is a balance of healthy independence/autonomy and healthy relationships/communication. Insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant and disorganized strategies) are on a scale of how anxious/fearful you are (of abandonment) and how assertive/avoidant you are in dysregulation.

With anxious strategies, there is higher anxiety and fear of abandonment, physical and/or emotional. With avoidant strategies, there is higher avoidance/withdrawal and focus on independence. With disorganized, it’s a conflicting push-pull due to extreme dysregulation with being fearful of abandonment and high avoidance.

Instead of using the attachment styles as identity markers (ie, “I am anxious attachment” or “my style is secure”), I like to think of them more like the different categories are on a graph. It is likely that most people will exhibit different strategies from multiple styles, so the question I like to ask in sessions is, “What strategies do you most often use when vulnerability hits the room?”

Insecure Attachment Therapy in Arizona - AZRI

Can Attachment Therapy Change Your Attachment Styles?

One of the most beautiful things about attachment styles is that wherever you land on the attachment graph is not where you are necessarily stuck. If you primarily use anxious strategies, you can move towards secure. There are lots of research, resources, books, and videos on attachment theory, styles, and strategies. This is also something that you can work with and through in individual or couple’s therapy with a therapist who is well-versed in attachment theory.

 

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We Are Love

We Are Love - Relationship Tips and Advice from Donnella Lincoln - AZRI Couples Therapist

Growing up, I changed my mind about what I wanted to be a few times. My earliest career choice was as a singer/performer. Then it changed to President. Then journalist, actress, teacher and finally, counselor.

I was very active and involved in high school. I was on my school’s newspaper, the theater state board and high school board, was the school’s news anchor, on yearbook, was student teaching a 1st grade English Language Learners class, was in advanced/pre-college courses, etc. I lived and breathed school. I was also in a serious relationship.

That relationship took a lot of my energy and focus. He did not have a supportive, healthy family, had eventually dropped out of school, and did not want me to go to college. After high school, I hadn’t applied to the university I wanted to go to, and we moved in together. I became pregnant with our son and eventually dropped out of the community college I was attending to focus on working and taking care of our household. Around a year after our son was born, our situation became dangerous and, to protect our son, I ended the relationship.

So, he left. And I was left to pick up the pieces. Our circumstances were highly traumatic—but I leaned on my supports and worked hard to provide for us. We sacrificed a lot. His dad was legally obligated to help, but didn’t, and I didn’t pursue it. Our son didn’t deserve that.

I wasn’t even angry for myself. I probably should have been. I was just so heartbroken for my son. But here, I let love win. Because that’s what we needed.

I went back to school. Associate’s to Bachelor’s to Master’s. Worked multiple jobs to make ends meet. Spent time with my son, tried to balance my social life/relationships, slept where I could. Moments of sadness transformed sometimes into spirals of anger.

Somehow, I stayed living in love. It kept me from resorting to attacks, pursuing “justice”, and inviting chaos back into our lives. I was deeply hurt but recognized that my desire to “do” something other than focus on my own relationship with my son and our well-being would have been BECAUSE I was hurt. So the saying goes that “hurt people hurt people.” It wouldn’t have served a purpose. It would have clouded my judgement and blocked love in my heart.

How to Not Be Spiteful After A Bad Relationship

There are so many times, even now, where a specific Game of Thrones scene pops into my head. The Queen of Dragons, who wishes to change the world, end slavery, and protect the lives of innocent people, lets a moment of deep pain and trauma trigger her into violating her own values and beliefs—which are grounded in love. She calls upon her dragon, Dracarys, to burn a whole city filled with innocent lives in order to avenge her most trusted confidant and advisor’s murder.

Moving On After Ending A Relationship

After starting graduate school, I knew that I wanted to specialize working with relationships. Shortly after, I met the loves of my life. My son and I are now a part of a beautiful, blended family. My son now has siblings and I have a teammate. A man that loves and protects us, that is a loving partner and father. I do the work that I do because I believe in love so much. It is always there. It’s our natural state. We are all born full of love and just hoping to have that need fulfilled; we need to be connected for literal survival. We just have to allow it to show itself.

While hurt people may hurt people, hurt people may also love people. Hurt people may also heal people. We are able to break the cycles of pain and instead, move with love. You are Love. We are Love.

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How Self Esteem Plays a Role in Healthy Relationships

How Self Esteem Plays a Role in Healthy Relationships - AZRI - Arizona Relationship Institute Mesa Gilbert JPG

 

Having healthy relationships and connections with others is imperative to our overall health and wellness as humans. We are built for connection. However, we often don’t consider how our relationship with and view of ourselves impacts our relationships and individual health. There is a quote that says, “we accept the love we think we deserve.” If we do not have a positive view of ourselves, it seems unlikely that we would have healthy and fulfilling relationships with others.

Self Esteem Therapy in Mesa Arizona - AZR - The Arizona Relationship Institute

What is Self Esteem?

Self-esteem can be defined as one’s confidence and value in themselves. It is how we see ourselves and thus impacts how we relate to others and the world. It involves our own opinions, beliefs, judgements, feelings and values about ourselves.

People who exude confidence and practice good self-care habits have better self-esteem because they place value in themselves (GoodTherapy, 2018). If we value ourselves, we are motivated to take care of ourselves with positive self-talk, healthy mental/physical nutrition, and a loving/supportive network. Conversely, those with low self-esteem are more likely to suffer from mental and physical health concerns like depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and/or substance use (Henriksen, Ranøyen, Indrdavik, & Stenseng, 2017).

Overcoming Criticism and Self Doubt with Therapy and Counseling in Arizona

Overcoming Criticism and Negative Judgement

Self-esteem plays a vital role in mental and physical well-being, particularly for developing adolescents. While self-esteem generally increases as people get older, there are big differences for self-esteem depending on age and gender (American Psychological Association, 2016). As a child, if we feel listened to, respected and accepted, we are more likely to grow up having higher self-esteem and confidence in our abilities. If we experience more criticism, negative judgement and doubt for mistakes or our abilities as a child, it is more likely to negatively impact our self-esteem and lead to behavioral and mental health problems (Sussex Publishers, 2019).

Low self-worth can be chronic and ongoing or triggered by an event, stress and/or trauma. Practicing mindfulness and identifying what your triggers are, what the negative thoughts/dialogue sounds like, and with who/where you’re experiencing more self-doubt can be helpful in implementing change.

Therapy for Low Self Esteem and Building Confidence

Therapy for Low Self Esteem & Building Confidence

If you notice that you have low self-esteem and would like to work towards loving yourself more, therapy is a great place to start. In the meantime, you can practice daily affirmations, identifying and focusing on your strengths, and surrounding yourself with others that help you feel loved and accepted. It’s also important to remember that “comparison is the thief of happiness”, so comparing yourself to others is most likely going to be more harmful than helpful in increasing your self-esteem.

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship and marital psychologist and researcher, emphasizes the 5 to 1 ratio for positive to negative interactions in relationships for couples to maintain happiness and balance. My personal spin on this is to utilize the 5 to 1 ratio in our relationship with ourselves, which means catching our negative self-talk and thoughts, then being intentional with changing them to speak more positively, kindly and compassionately to ourselves.

John Gottman 5 to 1 ratio - Arizona Relationship Institute

“Remove the ‘I want you to like me’ sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs.”

 

Therapy Tips

  1. American Psychological Association. (2016). Self-esteem gender gap more pronounced in western countries. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2016/01/self-esteem-gender
  2. GoodTherapy. 2018. Confidence pick-me-up! self-esteem quotes to boost your mood. GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/confidence-pick-me-up-self-esteem-quotes-to-boost-your-mood-0526187
  3. Henriksen IO, Ranøyen I, Indredavik MS, Stenseng F. 2017. The role of self-esteem in the development of psychiatric problems: a three-year prospective study in a clinical sample of adolescents. Child Adolesc Psychiatry Ment Health. 11:68. doi: 10.1186/s13034-017-0207-y. PMID: 29299058; PMCID: PMC5747942.
  4. Sussex Publishers. (2019). The relationship with yourself. Psychology Today. https:/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sustainable-life-satisfaction/201906/the-relationship-yourself 

 

 

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Keeping the Spark Alive

Keeping the Spark In Your Relationship - Couples Advice from Therapist Donnella Lincoln - AZRI

Keeping the Spark Alive

By Donnella Lincoln

I’ve always thought of butterflies as a mixture of excitement and anxiety. Butterflies flutter when you’re standing onstage right before performing in a big show, right before jumping out of an airplane, or right before going on a first or second date with someone you really, really like.

The Honeymoon Phase of Relationships

A real butterfly’s lifespan lasts about 2-5 weeks, but when it comes to new relationships, those butterflies in your tummy can last just a little bit longer. It seems like, in the beginning, you and your partner can do no wrong—everything is amazing, carefree, and fun. This is typically known as “the honeymoon phase.” It lasts anywhere from a few months to a few years. At some point, however, that newness fades, relaxation sets in, and maybe even irritability or anxiety presides more often, prompting conflict to arise.

And that’s okay–we can work through some conflict. It’s alright if, before, we were blind to our partner’s flaws and missed that they folded towels differently than us, or that they leave dishes in the sink right after we finish cleaning them. We can handle differences in favorite types of movies or where we want to go out to eat for date night. After other big life transitions, like moving in together, getting married, or having children/pets, it seems like it gets harder and harder to overlook the little things. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had couples come in (whether they’ve been married for decades or dating for a couple years) tell me they wish that “things would be like they were before” or were like “the beginning.”

7 year itch relationship advice

What To Do When the Butterflies in a Relationship Wear Off?

That’s a pretty tall order. How do we accomplish that? How can we go back to the way things were in the beginning? Or at least be excited and motivated to spend time with our partners so that we can feel close, safe and connected?

So many feel like the “spark” in their relationship is missing, which can cause some distress or panic because that then might feel like it equates to failure or the demise of the relationship. This isn’t necessarily true and continuing to remind yourself that your relationship is not done because the “spark” is gone is a good first step to keeping the relationship healthy.

How to Recover the Spark in a Relationship

I interviewed various couples to see how they keep that spark alive. One man, who has been married to his wife for over 40 years, lists important facets of his relationship like keeping his partner laughing, engaging in physical touch, checking in on how she’s doing emotionally and physically, and ensuring that they stay connected to loved ones in their family. He laughs, stating, “sparks are hard to come by when you’re 70-something.” All jokes aside, he emphasizes that communicating with your partner for continuous check-ins and treating your partner like they “can always get swept off their feet and offered more by someone else” is helpful in keeping them feeling cared for and loved.

Other interviewees suggested continuing to date your partner. A good rule of thumb is the 2-2-2 rule. Every 2 weeks, you go on a date night. Every 2 months, you go on a weekend getaway. Every 2 years, you take a big vacation together. This can be adjusted accordingly—3-3-3, or however works for you best, but the main point being to take the time to focus just on one another without any other responsibilities and do something enjoyable.

Advice For a Happier Relationship - The Arizona Relationship Institute - AZRI

Advice For a Happier Relationship

No matter how long you and your honey have been together, it sounds like surefire ways you can keep those butterflies fluttering is by prioritizing time with them, finding ways to be playful, and avoiding just assuming that everything is always fine and dandy by giving them the opportunity to express themselves.

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The Gift of Boundaries

 

The Gift of Boundaries
By Donnella Lincoln

It’s no secret that self-care is important, especially during the holidays. Usually what comes to mind when self-care is mentioned is taking a vacation, getting your nails done, or treating yourself to your favorite dessert at the end of a long day, but there are other forms of (much needed) self-care.

Therapy for Holiday Stress Arizona - AZRI

Setting Boundaries During the Holiday Season

“No” can always be a complete sentence. Keeping your distance from strangers or those with ill-intentions towards you doesn’t need any explanation. ’Tis the Season, and you don’t need a reason, at least when it comes to setting boundaries, with anyone—even family, friends and loved ones; however, communicating those boundaries instead of ignoring or avoiding that person, situation or conversation can be incredibly nourishing to the relationships that are important to you.

Keeping A Healthy Relationship During the Holidays

If you’re going to have healthy relationships and communication with others, then you need to be able to identify what it is that makes you feel safe, respected, and/or loved. What are your boundaries? During the holidays, there are so many things that can come up where being able to express those boundaries can help lift a huge weight off your shoulders.

Help For Setting Boundaries

If you’re wondering how to assert yourself and still make the nice list, here at AZRI, we can help with a boundary script. Including each of these components into your dialogue increases your chances of your boundary being understood and respected since you will be mindfully and respectfully providing as much information as possible. It’s important that you feel like you can be yourself, so the expectation is not that you will be reading from the script word-for-word, but just that you find a way to incorporate each of these elements in a way that feels most natural for you.

      1. “When I saw you (heard you, felt you, discovered that you, noticed that you…)”

        Be specific, repeat what the person said/did literally as factually as possible

      2. “What I thought/made up about that is…”

        Make sure to use “I” instead of “you”, state your perception, interpretation, as it impacts you

      3. “And about that I feel…”

        Share your emotions (fear, joy, guilt, shame, loneliness, anger, etc.)

      4. “Therefore, I request…”

        State the boundary you will create and what it is you would like changed

      5. “If this happens again/comes up again”

        This is not a punishment or a way to manipulate or control someone else. It is something YOU will do in response to your boundary being violated. Be sure to set realistic expectations for yourself of what it is that you will do in response

      6. Thank them for listening, find ways to reinforce when/if they change, etc.

Whether you’re feeling exhausted about driving all over for the holidays, are trying to be better with your finances, do not feel welcomed with certain family members, have different spiritual beliefs than others, or everything in between, your feelings and needs matter.

You deserve to have healthy connections and feel respected in those, so setting and enforcing clear boundaries is a great way to accomplish that. Happy Holidays!