Category: Couples Therapy

It’s the event most of us dream about at some point. We all hope that we will only have one of them in our lifetime. Whether it is a large event, a small gathering of close friends and family, or a romantic elopement, your wedding can be a beautiful moment that the two of you can reflect upon fondly with one another throughout the course of your marriage. 

As a marriage counselor, I often ask couples to tell me about their wedding as a strategy for assisting them in recalling any positive memories they have of their spouse. Usually, even the most conflictual of couples will warm up at the memory of the moment they looked at their spouse and said, “I do.” In fact, if they don’t warm up, tear up, or at least giggle impishly with the slightest bit of delight, I get worried about whether or not the couple can pull through. It isn’t what the dress looks like, or what was served for dinner that matters to these couples, and as their counselor, it is of very little importance to me. What matters is how the couple felt toward one another that day as they committed to share their lives. 

So how do you plan a wedding to remember? Plan your marriage. Open up to one another about your greatest hopes and fears regarding the life you would like to create together. Be honest and take responsibility for the areas in which you know you need to improve. Maybe the groom is excellent at finances and a wiz at Quicken but the bride never balances her check book. These are challenges that can be overcome but they must be identified honestly in order to do so. For some reason, it is easier to resolve these types of issues and concerns in an effective manner before the wedding than after it. 

Before you say “I do”, take some time to think about what you will really be committing to. Saying “I do” does mean a firm commitment to actively loving your spouse. It means committing to work through challenges together: to do your part, come what may, and to show your love for the spouse in the process. It means committing to appreciate all that your spouse does for you…especially the small things. It means committing to forgive your spouse, to take responsibility for your own personal growth, and do what you can to promote the growth of your spouse. It means being dedicated to your spouse above and beyond your dedication to any other person or pursuit. 

Each spouse should also commit to themselves and each other to maintain a baseline of kindness and respect in the marriage relationship and to alert each other to things that they are doing that are hurtful. There is bound to be conflict in planning the wedding, even if the couple has not experienced significant conflict in their relationship up to this point. Planning a wedding can be a good time to learn how to effectively solve problems together: to find compromises you both feel good about and to do so in a way that each person continues to feel loved and respected. 

When attempting to resolve conflict, whether it be in planning the wedding festivities or in planning your marriage, here are a few tips to keep in mind. Most pain in a marriage is unintentional. Please do not expect your spouse to read your mind and know when you are hurting because of something they have done. Share your feelings with them in a non defensive manner as possible. Give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they will want to work with you to make the necessary changes to rectify the problem. 

Try to understand the other person’s point of view even if you don’t agree with their conclusions or share their concern. You can agree to disagree and still understand the other person’s point of view. If at all possible, find a way to accomplish what you both want, perhaps by coming up with an option together that integrates your two desires. 

Despite how difficult this may sound, it is the bedrock upon which many happy marriages are founded. To the extent that each person is truly dedicated to furthering the growth and happiness of the other person and they have the communication and conflict resolution skills to do so, marriage can be a deep and richly happy experience, despite inevitable ups and downs in life. 

If discussing the topics of finances, childrearing, in-laws, or sexuality are difficult for you and your fiancée, or if you tend to have difficulty handling conflict or communicating openly with one another, I strongly urge you to get comfortable with these issues before saying “I do”. This is not to say that you should not get married if you struggle with these issues as a couple, but rather that your marriage will be stronger to the extent that you are able to improve in these areas prior to marriage and be committed to working on them throughout your marriage.  

If you love each other enough to get married, please love each other enough to face any fears you may have about these areas I have mentioned and address them with one another. By doing so, the moment you say “I do”, can be the beginning of a lifetime of love that grows deeper throughout the years. 

You can find therapists that are trained in working with couples on these issues by contacting AzAMFT.org or AAMFT.org (the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy). My colleagues and I would be happy to work with you on helping your wedding be one to remember…and hopefully make it a once in a lifetime event. You can reach us at contactus@azri.org or 480-788-5069 if you have any questions about this or other articles or wish to schedule an appointment for counseling. 

For example, a relationship characterized by passion and friendship, would be predominately a relationship of romantic love. 

One of my favorite answers to the age old question has been offered by the psychologist Robert Sternberg in his triangular theory of love. He asserts that there are different types of love (e.g. parent-child love, romantic love, companionate love) and that each type of love is distinct from the other due to varying degrees of three distinct aspects of love, These three aspects of love are what Sternberg refers to as compromising the love triangle; Passion (sexual attraction), Friendship (genuinely liking, enjoying, and concern for the person’s well-being) and Commitment. 

A long term, loyal friendship would be characterized by a love composed of friendship and commitment but devoid of sexual passion. Passion with commitment, but not friendship is said by Sternberg to be a “fatuous” love; that is, the persons involved have made a commitment prior to taking the time to develop their connection to one another as friends. 

Sternberg describes the love that is established on a foundation of equal measures of passion, friendship, and commitment as “consummate love”. Consummate love does not mean that there is not conflict or differences of opinion. It means that despite the challenges that life may throw at a couple, they are committed to finding a solution that works well for the two of them. The friendship they feel for one another will not allow them to take a course of action that would intentionally hurt their loved one or in anyway, diminish that person’s dignity or dreams. The passion they feel for one another is something they view as a gift that they share with each other rather than en entitlement. There is a deep respect for the loved one as an individual separate from one’s self, as well as a deep respect for the commitment they each have made to nurture their relationship. 

Sound idealist or Pollyannaish? It isn’t. It is rare, but I’ve seen it in action. It requires the following: 1) humility (willingness to admit you are wrong & gratitude for your loved one), 2) flexibility (willingness and ability to create a shared vision for the future), and 3) healthy emotional boundaries (genuine respect for self and your loved one as well as the skills to effectively demonstrate that respect). 

Consummate love requires much of each partner in order to attain it, but it’s also a great gift and a blessing: no one, no matter how hard they might work on their relationship, can develop this kind of love on their own. It takes two people committed to improving themselves and giving of themselves to their partner. If you are lucky enough to have a partner willing to engage in the journey of creating such a love, be grateful and bask in the joy of how blessed you are. Recommit each day to one another and to yourself to live your life in a manner that will perpetuate the development of this love…this is the only way of sustaining it over a lifetime. 

Romantic Date Idea: Make a candlelight dinner for two at home. Cook your loved one’s favorite dinner (or order take out if you must) and dine while listening to a custom made soundtrack of music that reminds you of the person you love. 

Just as there are environmental toxins that can wear down the body and make it susceptible to disease, certain ways of interacting are actually toxic to relationships. These toxic interactions will inevitably destroy  any relationship if they are consistently present over time. Criticism, contempt:, defensiveness and stonewalling have been describe by John Gottman (one of the most well-respected researchers on couple relationships) as being a “cancer” to relationships. He nicknamed these four patterns of interaction “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” because they usher in the end of the world. These four behaviors are all too often the cause of death of relationships.

It is a natural by-product of “expectations meeting reality” in relationships. However, how we deal with it, for some may appear unnatural. It isn’t easy. By resolving conflict respectfully and working together to find a mutually beneficial and agreed upon solution, couples can actually deepen their trust and appreciation for each other. The extent to which each person is genuinely committed to finding a solution that works not only for themselves but also for their loved one, increases the likelihood that the couple’s love will increase and deepen through the inevitable challenges life will bring. This process is not one of negotiating or compromise where one partner doesn’t get everything they want or acquiesces this time with the expectation that they will wait until the next “round” of negotiation and have everything their way. The process of conflict resolution is based in each person communicating clearly their desires and then each working to see how they can help the other get what they ultimately desire to have. This process is neither normal nor easy in today’s society. It is not quick-fix solution and it takes thought, time and effort.

There is a difference between bringing your partner’s attention to something that is bothering you, and the act of criticizing them. Toxic criticism is a criticism of the person and a generalization of the person as being fundamentally flawed: “You always….”, “You never…”, “You are so selfish”, “How stupid can you be?!”,  “All you care about is…. ”

Contempt involves feelings of disgust toward your partner. Defensiveness essentially entails creating an emotional barrier between yourself and your partner by entrenching yourself in your view of the situation. Stonewalling is shutting out your loved one and ignoring them. There are many ways to stonewall. You can be in the same room but ignore them by engaging in some other activity, such as watching TV, reading or listening to your iPod. You can also stonewall by also physically leaving their presence. If you are failing to acknowledge or respond to what your partner is saying, chances are you are stonewalling.

Each of these patterns share a fundamental philosophy of turning away from your loved one instead of turning toward them. They all involve a view of the partner as being untrustworthy and therefore unsafe. To the degree that individuals view a loved on this way, they are more likely to harden their heart toward them as a protection against being hurt by them. Even neutral cues from their loved one will likely be interpreted to the degree that both person in a relationship view each other this way, negatively and malicious intent is assumed. To they are are likely to become caught in a down ward spiral of mutual defending. Each person perceives themselves as being attacked by the other and believes that their interaction is merely a justifiable defense to the other’s attacks.

Each of these patterns can be remedied to the extent that, as Steven Covey says, we “seek first to understand, then to be understood”. Truly trying to understand the other person’s perspective even if we don’t agree with it, can be an antidote to feelings of contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. I work with my clients on developing healthy ways of communicating and resolving conflict by having them practice focusing on what their loved one is saying with the sole goal of trying to understand their loved one’s perspective. That is, listening without coming up with a rebuttal as to why their loved one is wrong or unjustified in thinking of feeling the way they do, but instead trying to view the situation from their loved one’s perspective. Too often, our defensiveness may literally keep us from believing what the other is saying, when, in fact, what they are saying may actually be the first step towards resolving the conflict.

I encourage my clients to take turns listening to each other until they each feel that they both understand each other and feel understood. This does not require that they agree with each other. I suggest following these guidelines until the emotion is addressed and then they can address the facts of the situation. First, the listener summarizes the main points they have heard from their partner and then ask their partner to clarify any part of the message that they may not have clearly understood. The listener continues to ask questions until he or she is able to understand his/her partner’s point of view. Again, understanding how someone could view something a certain way does not require agreement with the point of view. Once this is accomplished, the listener and the speaker switch roles. After each person feels understood, then the couple can work towards finding a solution that takes into consideration the things that are most important to both of them.

There is something very powerful about having someone you love acknowledge that they understand how you could feel the way you do. It is even more powerful if they can express that they are sorry you have been experiencing any distress and they demonstrate a desire to fin a solution to alleviate that distress. The amazing thing is that your partner doesn’t even have to agree with how you see things in order to do this…they just have to validate that you are not crazy or stupid for seeing things the way you do.

When two people are able to work through conflicts in this way, they are usually able to develop solutions that work well for both of them. Perhaps even more importantly, by engaging in this type of genuine regard for each other, their trust in and gratitude for each other grows exponentially. Conflict, when approached from this type of commitment to each other’s well-being, can then become an opportunity for growth and deepening love.