Just as there are environmental toxins that can wear down the body and make it susceptible to disease, certain ways of interacting are actually toxic to relationships. These toxic interactions will inevitably destroy any relationship if they are consistently present over time. Criticism, contempt:, defensiveness and stonewalling have been describe by John Gottman (one of the most well-respected researchers on couple relationships) as being a “cancer” to relationships. He nicknamed these four patterns of interaction “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” because they usher in the end of the world. These four behaviors are all too often the cause of death of relationships.
It is a natural by-product of “expectations meeting reality” in relationships. However, how we deal with it, for some may appear unnatural. It isn’t easy. By resolving conflict respectfully and working together to find a mutually beneficial and agreed upon solution, couples can actually deepen their trust and appreciation for each other. The extent to which each person is genuinely committed to finding a solution that works not only for themselves but also for their loved one, increases the likelihood that the couple’s love will increase and deepen through the inevitable challenges life will bring. This process is not one of negotiating or compromise where one partner doesn’t get everything they want or acquiesces this time with the expectation that they will wait until the next “round” of negotiation and have everything their way. The process of conflict resolution is based in each person communicating clearly their desires and then each working to see how they can help the other get what they ultimately desire to have. This process is neither normal nor easy in today’s society. It is not quick-fix solution and it takes thought, time and effort.
There is a difference between bringing your partner’s attention to something that is bothering you, and the act of criticizing them. Toxic criticism is a criticism of the person and a generalization of the person as being fundamentally flawed: “You always….”, “You never…”, “You are so selfish”, “How stupid can you be?!”, “All you care about is…. ”
Contempt involves feelings of disgust toward your partner. Defensiveness essentially entails creating an emotional barrier between yourself and your partner by entrenching yourself in your view of the situation. Stonewalling is shutting out your loved one and ignoring them. There are many ways to stonewall. You can be in the same room but ignore them by engaging in some other activity, such as watching TV, reading or listening to your iPod. You can also stonewall by also physically leaving their presence. If you are failing to acknowledge or respond to what your partner is saying, chances are you are stonewalling.
Each of these patterns share a fundamental philosophy of turning away from your loved one instead of turning toward them. They all involve a view of the partner as being untrustworthy and therefore unsafe. To the degree that individuals view a loved on this way, they are more likely to harden their heart toward them as a protection against being hurt by them. Even neutral cues from their loved one will likely be interpreted to the degree that both person in a relationship view each other this way, negatively and malicious intent is assumed. To they are are likely to become caught in a down ward spiral of mutual defending. Each person perceives themselves as being attacked by the other and believes that their interaction is merely a justifiable defense to the other’s attacks.
Each of these patterns can be remedied to the extent that, as Steven Covey says, we “seek first to understand, then to be understood”. Truly trying to understand the other person’s perspective even if we don’t agree with it, can be an antidote to feelings of contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. I work with my clients on developing healthy ways of communicating and resolving conflict by having them practice focusing on what their loved one is saying with the sole goal of trying to understand their loved one’s perspective. That is, listening without coming up with a rebuttal as to why their loved one is wrong or unjustified in thinking of feeling the way they do, but instead trying to view the situation from their loved one’s perspective. Too often, our defensiveness may literally keep us from believing what the other is saying, when, in fact, what they are saying may actually be the first step towards resolving the conflict.
I encourage my clients to take turns listening to each other until they each feel that they both understand each other and feel understood. This does not require that they agree with each other. I suggest following these guidelines until the emotion is addressed and then they can address the facts of the situation. First, the listener summarizes the main points they have heard from their partner and then ask their partner to clarify any part of the message that they may not have clearly understood. The listener continues to ask questions until he or she is able to understand his/her partner’s point of view. Again, understanding how someone could view something a certain way does not require agreement with the point of view. Once this is accomplished, the listener and the speaker switch roles. After each person feels understood, then the couple can work towards finding a solution that takes into consideration the things that are most important to both of them.
There is something very powerful about having someone you love acknowledge that they understand how you could feel the way you do. It is even more powerful if they can express that they are sorry you have been experiencing any distress and they demonstrate a desire to fin a solution to alleviate that distress. The amazing thing is that your partner doesn’t even have to agree with how you see things in order to do this…they just have to validate that you are not crazy or stupid for seeing things the way you do.
When two people are able to work through conflicts in this way, they are usually able to develop solutions that work well for both of them. Perhaps even more importantly, by engaging in this type of genuine regard for each other, their trust in and gratitude for each other grows exponentially. Conflict, when approached from this type of commitment to each other’s well-being, can then become an opportunity for growth and deepening love.
