The Arizona Relationship Institute, Author at Arizona Relationship Institute

January 1, 2024December 25, 2023

Overcoming The Trauma of Infidelity And Betrayal

Anyone who has been cheated-on knows the deep pain that infidelity causes. Cheating is a betrayal that cuts deep and scars a person mentally and emotionally for years. In 2024, we now know the importance of treating trauma and traumatic experiences in order to keep positive mental health. We also know that betrayal and trauma caused by cheating and infidelity is extremely important to treat, as it can spiral into worsening emotional and mental problems if left untreated.

Cheating: The Ultimate Betrayal

Some individuals (both men and women) can take a nonchalant look at cheating, considering it “not a big deal” or a part of their own open sexuality. But even in open sexual relationships, feelings can get hurt, messages can get mixed, and people develop a feeling of betrayal.

Some serial-cheaters themselves are deeply racked with their own feelings of betrayal, and sub-consciously or consciously tie their own infidelities with negative feelings of resentment, remorse, and regret.

Overcoming Soft Infidelity

So-called “soft infidelity” is a rising trend in the social media age. Men and women alike can put way too much personal info or intimate images out onto Facebook, Instagram, Tik Tok, and other platforms. Jealousy issues from Instagram and Social Media can arise between couples leaving 1 or both partners feeling betrayed.

In an over-sexualized society like we have today, many social media influencers, artists, models, and content producers may feel pressured to sexualize themselves more in their art, photos, dress, and behaviors. If your job is to sell your sexiness, beauty, image, or appeal, your significant other may develop negative feelings in-time.

These feelings can lead to infidelity from both sides, with one or the other partner cheating. Overcoming these challenges in a relationship is NOT impossible, but takes work and communication. Work and communication is aided with the help of a sex therapist or couples therapist.

When Should You See A Therapist After Being Cheated On?

If the issues are causing you any mental strain at all, and you cannot deal with it yourself, you should consider the help of a therapist. That is what therapists are here for, to assist you in dealing with your thoughts and feelings. The thoughts and feelings that erupt after the betrayal of infidelity are quite immense and usually quite negative. Dealing with so many negatives at once is difficult for even the soundest of people; so, don’t be ashamed to reach out for help.

Taking Friends Advice On Infidelity

Our blog on “Taking Relationship Advice From Friends and Family” does a great job of explaining why friends and family are not certified, trained therapists and not the best answer for your therapeutic needs. In general, don’t take relationships advice from your friends and family, or at least take it with a large grain of salt.

Dealing with the Trauma of Infidelity

The first order of business is to treat the initial trauma of infidelity in the person being cheated-on. The feelings of shock, disgust, disbelief, and grief can take an emotional toll on the individual and cause them to make rash decisions, lose control of their emotions, or engage in unhealthy behaviors themselves.

No “Eye For An Eye” Cheating

The worst idea you can have in response to infidelity is to think that you “deserve” to cheat also, or that cheating yourself will also cause your significant other the same pain you are feeling. This is a rash decision that can have significant negative repercussions on your mental and physical health.

Also, be very careful about immediately pursuing other relationships or sexual encounters immediately after experiencing the betrayal of infidelity and being cheated-on. Once again, you may think you “deserve” the new encounter or relationship, but that is not a healthy way to start a relationship.

Overcoming Trust Issues After Infidelity

The biggest therapy issue facing those who have been cheated-on is learning to trust again. Men and women alike identify a lack of trust in their partner as the longest-lasting of the negative symptoms of trauma from infidelity. Many cheaters themselves also are acting out of their own long-term symptoms of trauma, including deep trust issues.

Ironically it is often a lack of trust that makes many individuals cheat; a lack of trust that they are loved or cared for, or lack of trust that anyone will be sexually faithful to them.

Trauma-Informed Therapists in Mesa Arizona

At the Arizona Relationships Institute (AZRI) in Mesa, we focus on overcoming the hardest of challenges in relationships, especially infidelity. Additionally, many of our therapists are expertly trained in the latest trauma-informed therapies and trauma-focused education. As an institution, we recognize the large part that trauma plays on the human psyche and the importance of treating trauma for a healthy and sound mind, body and soul.

Therapy for Overcoming Cheating and Infidelity

If you have experienced a particular devastating betrayal in your life that has caused you significant trauma, we invite you to reach out to the Arizona Relationship Institute or other Competent Trauma Therapists to start the healing process.

Without overcoming infidelity, many individuals let the effects of trauma last for months or even years, and allow the trauma to negatively affect positive relationships with good people. AZRI wants to help you rebuild connections in your life and rebuild yourself into someone who can safely and comfortably build new relationships.

November 12, 2023December 2, 2023

Male Therapists or Female Therapists? Which Is Better For Your Needs?

This is an important question that each individual seeking therapy must ask when trying to find a therapist nearby. It is also incredibly important to be open-minded and overcome gender stereotypes when looking for a therapist.

Men and women can BOTH learn a lot from therapy with a male therapist, just as they can with a female therapist. Your admissions specialist may even recommend that you see both a male and female therapist at the same time or off-and-on between the two.

The Differences Between Male and Female Mindsets

Men think differently than women, and women think differently than men — this is the way nature made us, and it is a very intelligent design, actually. Males and females work together with their strengths and weaknesses to form a better single unit.

Females tend to have similar thinking patters while males tend to share the opposite thinking patterns; this leads to 2 distinct perspectives to every problem, a side-view and top view, if you will. Just as you can turn a Two-Dimensional Drawing (2D) into a Three-Dimensional Drawing (3D) with an additional perspective, you can see problems and their solutions more clearly with an additional DIFFERENT perspective.

Gender Preferences For Therapists

Usually a person already has a preferred gender in-mind for their therapist before they start searching for nearby therapists. In the beginning, patients of therapists are very adamant about the gender of a therapist that they want to see: male or female. Quite often, patients are also very adamant that they DO NOT want to be seen by a therapist of a certain gender. Your intake specialist will take your preferences into consideration when matching you with the best therapist that matches your needs.

Should Men See A Male Therapist and Women See A Female Therapist?

It is a popular opinion and pre-conceived notion that women should automatically see a female therapist, and men should see a male therapist. This is NOT TRUE, and in some cases, matching a patient and a therapist solely on gender can lead to a mismatch with your counselor / therapist.

In the cases of sexual trauma, sexual dysfunction, and other sensitive topics, the gender of the therapist may weigh more heavily on the decision of which therapist is best for you. However, intake specialists see past many gender and cultural stereotypes, and focus on therapeutic specializations and experience.

The Benefits of a Female Therapist for Therapy

Females (in general) are more emotionally-minded than males, and they are much better-equipped to give their perspective on your concerns from an emotional standpoint, whereas males are more logic-minded and give a more mechanical perspective from a standpoint of what is logical (to them). These are very general perspectives and are gender stereotypes themselves; each therapist brings their own unique perspective, experiences, and education to the therapy session, and their dedication should always exceed their own gender and/or knee-jerk stereotypes.

Why Women Should Consider Seeing a Male Therapist

Some of the best advice many women have gotten has come from men, and likewise the best advice men have gotten as often come from women. Women see their own problems from their own FLAT (2D) point of view most of the time, but can see their own problems and concerns from a second perspective with the view of a male therapist.

Using this better view of both sides of their problems, a women can find their own solution to mental and emotional problems on their own. Likewise, the same process can happen with men who see female counselors.

Why Men Should Consider Seeing a Female Therapist

Men should consider seeing a female therapist for their own emotional and mental health concerns to get a different perspective of the concerns. Quite often the very first session with a female therapist can show a man the female perspective on their problems. This new perspective can offer better and quicker successes in therapy than may have been achieved without the unique perspective of a female therapist.

Relationships Problems in Men Versus Women

In therapy and counseling for relationships and sexual, intimate relationships, men have a tendency to only want to discuss the issues with another man. Vice-versa, women are compelled to only want to divulge their sexual and relationship secrets to another women. This comes from our social standards — in society; men are expected and taught to discuss and learn-from each others intimacy and relationship issues in a group of men, while women are encouraged to keep their discussions within their own gender group.

Relationships are built on the bridging of opposites — you learn each others’ differences and similarities. You and your significant other meld your own personalities together and your relationship becomes a part of you. Looking at your own relationships and diagnosing problems with it is as difficult as looking at yourself and diagnosing your own faults. This is why we usually seek the outside opinions of our friends for relationship problems.

Because of our own gender stereotypes, and what we are taught is normal, men tend to only feel comfortable talking about their relationship problems with other men, and women with women. This usually does NOT help, and is why we seek further advice from a therapist. At this point is important to be open-minded to the therapeutic opinions of the opposite sex.

Being Open to Cultural Uniqueness in Your Therapist

Just as you should be open to the idea of a therapist of the opposite gender, you should openly embrace the cultural differences you and your therapist share. Even if you are in a heterosexual relationship, you can benefit from the perspective of an individual in an LQBTQ+ relationship, just as queer, gay, and lesbian couples can benefit from the perspective of a heterosexual male or female.

Everyone has unique backgrounds, and when people of different background get together and simply talk, that is when the magic of humanity happens. Someone from the “East Coast” can learn from the perspective of a person from the “West Coast,” Christians can learn from the culture and perspective of those of the of faiths, and so-on…

Be Open-Minded in Your Search For a Therapist

Our best advice is to be open-minded to a therapist who DOES NOT share the same gender as you, especially for emotional, mental, and intimacy therapy. Breakthroughs in therapy happen when you see your problems from a different perspective and are able to take-action to resolve those problems. Breakthroughs are harder to attain if you are staying only in your comfort zone versus seeing your problem from all different sides.

It is important for you to be open-minded to your therapist’s background and characteristics, just as it is important for them to be open-minded to yours…

At The Arizona Relationship Institute We Have a Diverse Team of Different Genders, Gender Identities, Cultural Backgrounds, and Faiths

We Invite You To Start A Free 15 Minute Consultation to See Which Therapist Matches Your Needs Best! Your Match May Surprise You, and That Is A Good Thing!

Meet our Team >>

October 15, 2023December 2, 2023

What is Polyvagal Theory?

The “Polyvagal Theory” is an idea that people have a range of physiological/psychological states in our everyday behaviors that affect our overall health and wellness. Simply-put, the idea is that our nervous system has a “mind of its own” and regulates our mental and physical health. It does this without the brain and our consciousness being aware that it is happening.

Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) per Polyvagal Theory

The Polyvagal Theory theorizes that an Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) not only acts as an autopilot for the body, but suggests to us how we should consciously react to situations. This is thought to be the mechanism behind our “instincts” that have an affect on our behaviors.

Image Source: Wikipedia | https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyvagal_theory

What Are The 3 Principal States Per Polyvagal Theory?

Polyvagal theory states that the mind and body moves fluidly through 3 primary states:

- Relaxed
- Immobilized
- Mobilized

Relaxed – Paraysmpathetic Nervous System | Ventral Vagal Pathway. The relaxed state is characterized by normal heart rate and muscle tone, and this state encourage the conscious being to be: Relaxed, Engaged, Curious, Creative, and Hopeful.

Immobilized – Parasympathetic Nervous System | Dorsal Vagal Pathway. The immobilized state is characterized by low heart rage and muscle tone. Immobilized individuals show low energy, and emotions of: bliss, dreaminess, tranquility, meditativeness when feeling safe. When feeling unsafe in the immobilized state, you can expect an individual to react with emotions of: depression, unhappiness, loneliness, and hopelessness.

Mobilized – Sympathetic Nervous System. The mobilized state is characherized by increase heart rate and blood pressure. Hormone flow is also elevated in the mobilized state, and accompanies increased muscle tone. Mobilized individuals are energetic, active, playful and motivated when feeling safe. When feeling unsafe, the mobilized individual shows ‘fight or flight’ emotions, is fearful, anxious and increased stress leads to feelings of impending doom.

Your Current State + Outside Stressors and Stimuli = Your Behavioral Reaction

As an example, if you are stressed and on edge (Your Current State is: Mobilized) and are subjected to another stressful situation, then the Polyvagal Theory suggests that you will most likely react with a “fight or flight” instinct.

Therapists and counselors have seen that applying the Polyvagal Theory to psychotherapy can help to analyze behavioral responses. Used in combination with Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), therapists can better understand why we react and behave the way we do.

This is especially helpful in therapy for individuals with self-destructive behaviors that they cannot seem to avoid. It is often found that past trauma keeps the individual in a mobilized state more than is healthy for daily behaviors. In this mobilized state, an individual is more likely to react to stress, fear, and anger in a negative way. Helping the individual work around these states is easier for the therapist and individual once these states and behaviors are recognized.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Polyvagal Theory

DBT and the Polyvagal Theory work-together very well for therapists and those in therapy. Before we can fix the mental, behavioral and physiological issues that face us in daily life, we must first understand the issues thoroughly. Using DBT and Polyvagal Theory, therapists can find the root causes of addictive behaviors, substance abuse, sex addiction, sexual and arousal issues, anger issues, and anxiety issues.

Treating Anxiety and Panic With Polyvagal Theory

Anxiety and panic disorders leave individuals in a constant state of worry. Small details cause so much worry in anxiety sufferers, that sometimes even leaving the house or going to work is an excruciatingly painful experience. The Polyvagal Theory shows that these individuals are constantly at a mobilized state, and this constant state of nervous system arousal causes automated emotions and responses.

Recognizing that state, and being able to calm yourself into a state of relaxation can prepare you to make a more positive reaction to stressors. Some anxiety sufferers that work deeply with DBT, Polyvagal Theory and recognizing their own behaviors, are able to recognize negative thoughts BEFORE they become a negative behavior. Recognizing your own negative behaviors and changing them is a key turning point in therapy; and can be achieved more quickly when therapists are cognizant of Polyvagal Theory and implement the core principals into their own process.

Polyvagal Theory and Couples Therapy

Your Polyvagal State not only dictates your mental state, but it plays a part in your part of the state of the relationship. Think about it… the 3 states easily translate into a person’s perspective on the relationship. A person has one of 3 views on their own relationship with their intimate partner:

- Relaxed
- Immobilized
- Mobilized

We want to have a good balance between Relaxed, Immobilized and Mobilized with our partner. We need to be: strong, comfortable, and vulnerable in a healthy intimate relationship, especially a sexual relationship. Problems arise when the 3 states are imbalanced or don’t match-up (much like mismatched desires).

Sexual Trauma, Polyvagal Therapy, and Sexual Trauma Therapy

Some of the deeper work with Polyvagal Theory involves identifying the behaviors around trauma, sexual trauma, past traumatic experiences, PTSD, and Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). Polyvagal Theory has helped therapists grasp a deeper understanding of the “fight or flight” mechanisms of the brain that are involved with trauma.

Polyvagal Theory breaks down the stages and reactions of the brain and body when a person has an “emotional shutdown” (complete Immobilization due to fear, stress, and perceived threats). Likewise, it outlines the process and behaviors surrounding aggressive or violent responses and behaviors from some individuals. This highly focused Mobilization state can also be more focused on the positive end of the spectrum also — leading to very intense and passionate responses.

Sexual Trauma Therapists at The Arizona Relationship Institute

The Arizona Relationship Institute has therapists and counselors that are specialists in dealing with trauma, PTSD, past sexual trauma, and Adverse Childhood Experiences. We invite readers to Start With a Free Consultation to find the right Therapist that matches your needs.

Polyvagal Theory at The Arizona Relationship Institute

Many of our therapists are Polyvagal Theory-Informed, competent with the principals, and/or are studying further on the topic. It is a valid theory that has shown great benefits in real-life therapy sessions.

Meet The AZRI Team >>

August 15, 2023August 22, 2023

How Therapy Can Help You Find Direction In Your Life

Therapy is not only for those with serious, complex issues; the light touch of therapy can help guide individuals through life and keep a focus on their goals and priorities. Therapy is a great option for those that are seeking advice about their lives and directions in life, but have more questions than friends and family can answer.

Nobody ‘Has It All Figured Out’ in Life

There is no secret formula that will guarantee that you make all the right moves and decisions in life. We all do our best to ponder the choices and opportunities we have, and try and make the best set of decisions that lead us to a better outcome.

It is scientifically-proven that group discussion (including 2 or more individuals) will yield more perspectives and evidence for decision-making than just a single person can conjure-up themselves. Even the most open-minded people can have narrow views and perspectives on topics — especially when it is about themselves. Therefore, outside eyes and ears can help us see picture our lives differently.

Affordable Therapy Options offer individuals an outside, objective perspective on their life problems, struggles, challenges, and questions. This outside perspective is NOT meant to TELL you what to do in life, it is meant to help you better-decide what to do in life.

Do I Need A Therapist or a Life Coach? Is there a Difference?

It all depends on the unique aspects of YOUR life and your journey. A life coach is primarily for those who ONLY need the moral support and constant push from someone else to keep up their own endurance. Like a “hype-man” or someone that builds you up and pushes you through to your goals.

Whereas, a Therapist is more of a teacher that shows you skills for building your own confidence and showing you the way towards your goals. There is a lot of overlapping area between life coaches and therapists, and it is not uncommon for an individual to work with both at different times.

At Arizona Relationship Institute, we have a large staff of therapists, life coaches, and other specialists to offer our clients a wide range of help that is as unique and varied as their individual lives.

Life Coach Therapist

The Arizona Relationship Institute invites those in Mesa, AZ and near Phoenix to inquire about our Life Coach Therapist and Therapy Services.

Affordable Therapists in Arizona

The Arizona Relationship Institute proudly works with therapists-in-training and those that are continuing their education towards becoming a full licensed therapist. These “Associate Therapists” are available to AZRI clients at a more affordable rate than our “Therapists”, and offer cost-saving benefits to our guests while giving real-world experience to our “Associates.” Learn More about our Affordable Therapy through Associate Therapists Program >>

Getting Over Grief and Getting On With Your Life

There are many obstacles in life that keep us from achieving our goals or cause us to stray from the path. Grief is the most common negative factor in life that holds us back. Fear of death, fear of grief, and unresolved grief can keep you from taking steps forward in life.

Grieving is a process that should resolve itself in “closure.” A person MUST move healthily through the stages of grief into eventual acceptance so that they can continue on with their lives. A Grief Therapist can help you overcome the negatives that are holding you back in life.

Death is not the only form of grief. People grieve the death of ideas, the closing of businesses, and the loss of friends and family (to communication issues — not death). Divorce too can cause a form of grief — where individuals mourn the death of their former life and can go through months of years of grieving.

Getting over grief is essential to healing and puts you back on the correct path in life (towards your goals) so that only should need the “light touch” of a life coach or therapist to give gentle nudges that keep you on the right track.

What Is Life Transitions Therapy?

Life is made up of phases, and the changing between these phases can be difficult. Moving from childhood to teenage years, and teenage years to adulthood, are two phases that are known for their difficulties. These awkward times in life are natural changes, but our reaction to the change can cause us to falter in life.

Individuals that do not healthily adjust to changes in their lives often fall into negative habits like drugs, drinking, and exhibit negative relationship patterns. This is where therapy and counseling are critical: when individuals are struggling to find the meaning in their lives.

Without a healthy guide through these life-changes, we run the risk of going down the wrong paths that do not lead to our goals, but rather to endless searching and questions. Life Transition Therapy in Arizona is available through The Arizona Relationship Institute.

Online Therapy to Help You Through Life

Therapy should be flexible and fit into your life. If you do not feel comfortable laying down on a couch and telling someone your problems, then that is not the style of therapy for you. Instead, you need a different approach to therapy that fits your unique needs.

At The Arizona Relationship Institute, we allow for flexibility in style and approach, and all of our therapists have their own style. This makes therapy more comfortable for those that do not know what to expect, or have only stigmatized expectations of therapy from the images of therapy on TV and Movies.

Online Therapy Options are available, as well as in-person, and group therapy options. See our Arizona Group Therapy Events coming up on the calendar…

Individual, Couples, and Family Counseling in Mesa, Arizona

At The Arizona Relationship Institute, we offer counseling and therapy for individuals, couples, and families, as well as teen and adolescent counseling. Start with your FREE CONSULTATION and see which of our many options for therapy and counseling will fit your needs best.

Feel free to contact us with any questions, and we accept patient referrals for outpatient therapy.

July 4, 2023July 23, 2023

How Does Counseling and Therapy Help Depression?

If you are suffering from depression and anxiety, counseling and therapy can help… but how exactly does it help?

Too many people think that counseling and therapy can’t help their depression/anxiety because they don’t understand how it is designed to work. This article will help you understand the mechanisms of counseling and therapy, and learn exactly how therapy helps depression.

How Therapists Help Depression & Anxiety

People need the help of a therapist or a counselor in dealing with depression and anxiety for two main reasons:

1. Therapists can teach you skills to deal with the emotions and thoughts that cause or worsen depression.
2. The ongoing sessions give an outlet for stress and allow an individual to go through the very important action of “unloading” their thoughts and emotions (opening-up, getting it off your chest, venting).

Why You Should Talk To A Therapist About Your Depression, Not Your Friends and Family

When it comes to “venting” or letting-out all the thoughts, feelings and frustrations surrounding your depression, your friends and family are NOT the best choice. It is fine if your family and friends just listen and don’t get too involved in trying to fix your problems.

The problem arises when family and friends give bad advice about your depression and anxiety. This can lead to a worsening of the smaller issues that lead to the bigger issue of looming depression and anxiety.

Depression and anxiety is like a knot your body and mind that needs to be worked-out. To work out that knot, you need precise actions in-order to untangle all of the strands. There are many smaller strands (problems, thoughts and frustrations) that make up your depression and anxiety. It requires focus on the individual strands to loosen the knot and relieve the depression and anxiety that have you “all tied up.”

What Skills Help Fight Depression?

There are numerous skills that therapists teach that can help with your depression and anxiety. The triggers for depression are just as numerous (a bad day, anxiety about an upcoming event, financial/life worries, etc.). Different skills can help to battle different triggers for depression.

For instance, if your depression is triggered or worsened by memories of childhood trauma or adverse childhood experiences, a therapist will teach you skills for dealing with the thoughts and feelings that re-surface in the form of depression and anxiety.

Skills to battle depression and anxiety may include any of the following:

- - CBT
  - EMDR
  - DBT
  - Analytical Psychotherapy
  - More…

The best medicine truly depends on what exactly triggers your depression.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) For Depression

CBT, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, is one of the leading forms of psychotherapy for depression. It is also used to help treat those with addictive behaviors (Addiction, substance abuse, and/or alcoholism), and can help you break personality traits and habits.

How CBT Helps Depression and Anxiety

Depression is characterized by periods of time when a person’s sadness is overwhelming and interferes with their day-to-day lives. Those periods of time are usually caused and worsened by “triggers.” For instance:

- A song could remind you of an ex-friend or lover…
- The thoughts of this person can remind you of past actions you are ashamed-of…
- This feeling of shame leads to doubt in yourself and thoughts/feelings that are painful or scary…
- You become anxious about your future, feel like there is “something wrong with you”, and/or feel hopeless…
- The cycle of depression digs deeper…
- More triggers cause a pileup of negative thoughts and feelings until every moment of the day is filled with only negative (Sadness, shame, anxiety, self-doubt, etc.)

The triggers are different for each person, but this is a real example of how one small strand can snowball into extended periods of depression and melancholy.

CBT Therapy teaches you how to deal with these triggers and not allow the small strands to build up into a bigger knot. CBT teaches you to look at that sad song trigger for what it really is — it is just a trigger that will lead you down a negative road if you let it… You don’t need it, and it has no bearing on your life and your happiness, whatsoever.

An individual that is experienced with CBT and has-practice will easily shrug-off the trigger and will not allow it to get to them. This is the magical difference between someone with untreated depression and someone that is working with a therapist.

The untreated may ask, “How am I supposed to just shrug it off? How am I supposed to NOT let it bother me?” Whereas, those with the skills to fight depression and anxiety recognize the trigger as something that will hurt them or make them feel bad, so they avoid it just as they would a dangerous snake or spider. CBT creates learned behaviors that keep the body and mind away from the pain and dangers of depression.

Treating Depression and Anxiety from Childhood Trauma

Depression that stems from childhood trauma, adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and PTSD, is slightly different that melancholia or depression that stems from a chemical deficiency.

With trauma, there is a past experience that put the person into a state of danger. The danger might be from a sexual assault, physical assault, mental assault, or other perceived threat to a person’s safety. The traumatic experience itself left a “learned behavior” in the individual’s mind. The triggers for depression and anxiety in trauma victims trigger feelings of sadness, anxiety or fear in-order to “Warn” of a dangerous situation.

This warning is kind of like a short-circuit in the brain that was hard-wired by the trauma. This is why a survivor of sexual assault my be triggered into depression and anxiety by the thoughts and feelings of sex, even with a trusted partner in a safe setting. The brain is still warning of a situation that it fears.

Re-Setting Trauma Triggers for Depression

Seeing a therapist for depression can help you to learn techniques to re-wire your brain in a positive manner. Utilizing CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy can show you how to teach your brain new positive learned behaviors. Teaching your brain to relate touch of a loved one to happiness, safety and love can help to re-set the trauma triggers for depression seen in those suffering with trauma from a past sexual assault.

Learn More About CBT For Treating Clinical Depression

CBT for depression has shown such great results, that we encourage readers to read-on in our companion article HERE >>

May 14, 2023May 14, 2023

What is Discernment Therapy for Couples Counseling?

When couples are stuck in deciding whether or not to break-up, Discernment Counselors can offer a way to sort through the pros and cons of a decision in either direction.

What is Discernment Therapy for Couples Counseling?

Discernment Therapy is recommended for couples who are “ambivalent” about breaking up or divorcing. This means that they are unsure of whether or not they want to break up or stay together. Ambivalent couples tend to “lean-in and -out of their desire to break-up.

Couples needing discernment therapy and counseling are unsure of how to move-forward and are at a stalemate. A discernment relationship counseling can help couples to break the stalemate and move-forward with a decision confidently (whether that decision is to break-up or stay-together).

Discernment Therapy for Couples Looking to Make A Big Step Forward

Couples do not only use discernment therapy for the decision to end a relationship; couples can also discern whether or not to make a big step forward in the relationship: either getting engaged, married, having kids, or other life events.

What Are The Core Principles of Discernment Counseling?

Bill Doherty, a University of Minnesota counselor, developed the principals of Discernment Counseling as a way for couples to clarify whether or not their relationship problems can be fixed. The principals are based of 4 core questions that couples should ask each other and themselves:

- - What happened in the relationship that caused us to consider ending it?
  - What has been done to try and fix the relationship?
  - How do children factor in the the decision to end the relationship?
    - Either existing children or hopes for future children
  - What were the best best times we experienced in our relationship?

These 4 questions start the framework for looking-at the foundation of their relationship in the past, present and future. This foundation is the groundwork on-which the discernment of the relationship rests.

Interfaith Pre-Marital Counseling >>

Discernment Therapy Before Marriage Counseling

Often times, marriage counseling can begin with a lot of arguing and non-productive fighting and bickering. In these cases, discernment counseling BEFORE the marriage counseling can help to clear away many of the small issues that do not play a big part in the relationship, but cause a lot of arguments.

Pre-marital Counseling Services >>

By clearing away the mess, and getting the couple to ask themselves if the want to continue, the couple and the counselor start marriage counseling with the ability to get directly to the core issues.

When Should You See A Discernment Counselor?

When you are thinking about ending your relationship or taking a big step forward is the best time to see a discernment counselor. A Discernment Therapist will help couples to organize their thoughts, ideas, worries and goals. This organization helps couples to confidently make decisions about moving-forward or ending a relationship.

Separating The Decision to Save the Relationship from the Work to Save The Relationship

Not only does saving the relationship take a lot of work, but simply deciding whether or not to save the relationship is a big step. Discernment Therapy breaks it down into 2 separate phases: First, decide whether or not the relationship is worth saving. Then start building a path forward in the second phase; either a path forward together, or separately.

What Is The Difference Between Marriage Counseling and Discernment Counseling?

Couples in marriage counseling have already agreed to save their marriage. Couples in Discernment Counseling are weighing whether they want to save the marriage.

A big problem in marriage counseling is when 1 partner wants to save the marriage and the other has already decided to give up on the marriage. Marriage counseling will never be successful if the two partners have not yet agreed on whether to save the marriage — and technically, these couples are still stuck in discernment therapy, not marriage counseling.

“Is My Marriage Worth Saving?”

The 3 Conclusions of Discernment Therapy

There are 3 conclusions, or outcomes, from discernment therapy:

- - Both partners commit to the work of couples therapy (commit to fix the problems).
  - Both partners agree to proceed with a separation.
  - The partners maintain the status quo (stay stuck in the stalemate and not commit to separating or working on the relationship)

It is important to understand that the third outcome (Maintaining the Status Quo) can be maintained for years… Like Tic-Tac-Toe, it will always end in a stalemate unless the two partners both allow the game to end.

Discernment Counseling in Mesa, Arizona

At The Arizona Relationship Institute, Discernment Counseling is an integral part of all of our couples therapy and marriage counseling services. All couples must first decide whether or not the relationship is worth saving, and commit to saving the relationship — or no progress will be made.

Our therapists have a wide range of backgrounds, education, and specialties in their therapeutic backgrounds. Making us capable of successfully assisting with individuals, couples, and families in dealing with an equally wide range of issues.

Our integrated team of medical professionals, nutritional wellness technicians, behavioral health technicians, and nurses give us the ability to address numerous life-concerns that play a part in relationships.

For Marriage Counseling, Discernment Counseling, and Couples Counseling, Contact Our Team:

March 17, 2023March 29, 2023

What Are The Four Horsemen of Bad Relationship Communication Habits?

When speaking with a relationship counselor, the therapist may mention “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” They are referring to the 4 toxic communication habits that hurt relationships — not to the biblical harbingers of doom. This article is designed to educate you about the 4 horsemen, so you understand what your counselor or therapist is talking about…

Dr. John Gottman

Dr. John Gottman studied couples and how they approach issues in their relationship in a groundbreaking study in 1984. Based on what he observed, he categorized couples into those who were able to “Master” their problems, and those whose relationships turned into “Disasters.”

Masters and Disasters of Relationships

Dr Gottman studied the communication styles of couples and was able identify 4 behaviors in the “Disasters” group that all shared:

- - Criticism
  - Defensiveness
  - Contempt
  - Stonewalling

By simply looking for these 4 communication styles, Dr Gottman was able to accurately predict (within 90%) which couples would not be able to work-out their problems, and would end their relationship in a divorce or separation.

Further, Gottman found that helping couples to intervene in these 4 negative behaviors would increase the likelihood that the problems would be worked-out and the couple would stay together. He found that these four horsemen indicated the 4 points of communication that make-or-break the relationship. Couples that master these points can overcome even the bleakest of situations. — while those that let these points overcome them, end in disaster.

Criticism Between Couples

It is important to understand the difference between a “complaint,” and a “criticism.” A complaint – is something (like an annoying behavior or action) that partner points-out to another, with the hopes of fixing it together. A criticism is usually not specific to one action or behavior that is used more as an attack than pointing-out to help fix it.

The best example that everyone can understand, is a local store that you have shopped at for a while. As time goes by and your relationship with this store changes, you might have complaints or criticisms.

EXAMPLE #1: A Company

Example of a Complaint:

Your store used to offer loyalty rewards points, where I would get my 10th cup of coffee for free. You don’t do that anymore, and I really miss it. Will you be bringing it back?

Example of a Criticism:

This store has gone downhill! Don’t you even care about your customers anymore? I much prefer the way it used to be. I hope the management gets it together soon, or I will not be shopping here anymore!

EXAMPLE #2: A Person

Example of a Complaint:

You used to come home and kiss me first thing when you got home. Now you come home and the first thing you do is unload your problems from the day on me. That snowballs into the rest of the night being about our problems and not about us. Maybe we should try to change our first priority in the evenings, and that will help the rest of our issues.

Example of a Criticism:

You’ve changed! Your not the same person you used to be any I don’t like who you are turning into. All you care-about and focus-on is our problems. I can’t keep going on this way and I don’t want to live like this with you.

With the above examples, it is clear to see how your attitude toward the situation can how you communicate can completely change the likely outcome. There are problems in every relationship, and couples need to address those problems; but, if you choose to communicate your issues as a criticism instead of a complaint, you will likely make the problem worse.

Defensiveness Between Couples

Everyone has the right to defend themselves, but much like “Complaint VS Criticism,” there is a right way and wrong way to go about it. Interestingly enough, the First Horsemen (Criticism) also usually leads to the Second Horsemen (Defensiveness). This creates a cycle that the couple cannot seem to get out of — a criticism leads to a defense and/or a criticism back at the other.

The best way to avoid defensiveness is to avoid criticism. However, once the fight has been started, it takes 2 cool heads to prevail, and both need to back down from their positions atop the first two horsemen. Otherwise, it will continue on its cycle between the two until one or both unleash the Third Horseman: Contempt.

Contempt Between Couples

This is a scary place for people to reach — and often the point where couples reach out to a Couples Therapist. The definition of “Contempt” says it all…

“Contempt: the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.”

Contempt is actually a natural reaction when we feel we have been attacked. It not a good feeling or a positive reaction, but it is a natural defense mechanism, nonetheless.

Contempt for our partners and the ones we care-for is not good, however. And the situation needs to be dismantled just like a ticking time bomb — before it dismantles the relationship.

When couples have contempt for one another, the criticisms and attacks continue. You will often hear couples say things like, “He/she doesn’t care about me anyway so I am doing what I need to do focusing on myself, and doing what makes me happy.” – This statement is stuffed full of criticism, defensiveness, attack AND places the partner as worthless and beneath their happiness.

The best way to avoid contempt in a relationship is to once-again avoid the first horseman: Criticism. Work on the problems at their roots — don’t wait until the blossom into a thorny bush, deeply anchored.

Stonewalling Between Couples

At this point the arguments and relationship is almost not salvageable. Stonewalling is when a person “shuts down” and refuses to acknowledge the situation or respond. They sit there, like a stone wall, and let words just bounce right off of them. Again, this is another natural defense mechanism — that the body triggers to avoid further stress on the body and mind.

Stonewalling happens in the short-term and the long-term. During an argument or an intense conversation, a person might shut down temporarily to avoid furthering the argument. However, stonewalling can happen in the long-term as well. This is when huge problems are living just below surface of the relationship, but one or both partners refuse to acknowledge them or bring them up again. The problems have not been addressed or solved, but hidden away while to couple keeps living day-to-day.

Why Do Some People Refuse to Believe Their Partner is Cheating on them?

An example of long-term stonewalling is when 1 partner is cheating, or having multiple affairs, and the other partner refuses to believe it or refuses to address the problem — hoping that the relationship can be saved and go on by pretending the problems don’t exist. This refusal to believe their partner is cheating is simply them stonewalling themselves.

Avoiding the Four Horsemen of Relationship Problems

As we have said multiple times in this article — the best way to avoid any and all of the 4 horsemen is to avoid the first horsemen: Criticism. Criticism in a relationship is like poison. This is easier-said-than-done, however. And this is why we strongly recommend couples therapy when couples get into problems that they cannot work out themselves. Most often, it is the four horsemen that are making their issues “unresolvable.” Therapists are trained to look for these negative behaviors and communication styles, and can help both partners to learn what they are and learn how to avoid them.

January 22, 2023January 28, 2023

Tips for Better Co-Parenting: From Co-Parenting Counseling Professionals

Divorce rates are high across the United States, and many couples with children are separating or divorcing. When a couple with children decide to separate they often are so caught up in their own problems that that the thoughts and feelings of the children often become secondary.

A strong focus on co-parenting teaches parents to consider the thoughts and feelings of children when making family decisions with outcomes that also affect the children.

How Do We Define “Co-Parenting”?

There are many views on what co-parenting truly is, but co-parenting’s most basic definition is simply 1 or more parents working together for the benefit of a child or children. “Working for the benefit of the child”, being the main point of co-parenting, parents often need to learn how to put their own wants and needs behind what is best for the benefit of the child or children.

Co-Parenting and Divorced Parents

The most popular view of co-parenting is that of divorced parents working together to raise their children. This easy to understand and relatable situation sees parents setting aside their differences for the benefit of the children. (Think “Mrs. Doubtfire” and other stories that illustrate the need for parents to get over their fighting in order to be better parents to their children).

Can Married Couples Benefit from Co-Parenting Counseling?

Yes! Often simply referred to as “Family Therapy” or “Family Counseling,” families with un-divorced parents can also benefit from the teachings of co parenting therapy. Sometimes even married couples have differences in opinions when it comes to how to raise a child, or what is expected from the children. When the differences of opinions are un-resolvable, parents seek help from family counselors and co-parenting therapists for help to mediate.

Tips for Better Co-Parenting:

Talk, Communicate & Plan – you and your co-parent won’t always agree on everything, but communicating and planning help you to bridge the gaps where you don’t see eye-to-eye. Talk through the differences — use communication as your tool to set aside the issues and focus on the goal: provide the best opportunities possible for your child. With the goal in-mind, and with effective communication, parents can get past any impasse.

Really Listen to What Your Children Say – A child’s mind works more simply than an adult’s, but that does not make them ignorant to what is happening in their lives and what their parents are discussing and acting-out. You should never discount what a child has to say about a situation or a family decision. In fact, it is usually the adults that over-complicate and make situations more complex, while children often have simpler views.

Acknowledge Real World Examples – The world is full of people who are products of their parents decisions. We can see the effects of parenting decisions every day. Sometimes the examples are too real or disturbing for us to bear, so we ignore them. (e.g. acknowledge the statistical issues that children face with limited visitation of a parent, before making a decision that removes/limits a parent’s custody).

Come Together As Strong Parents – Parents should have solidarity in their decisions and actions. If your child is pushing back, or testing the limits of your parental powers, you and your co-parent need to combine powers and stand together firmly. Parents divided against themselves can’t stand together. Unite for the benefit of your child.

Don’t Allow Your Fears and Anxieties Reproduce in Your Children – Many parents are too afraid to say something to their children, or are anxious about telling the truth. This is common in families with more traditional religious or societal values (Parents afraid to answer questions about sexuality from their kids). What you tell your kids is up to you… but don’t run away from their questions. Fear and anxiety is like a virus and your kids can develop fears and anxieties about certain topics, subjects, or their own feelings if they recognize this fear in their parents.

Professionalism as a Parent – When you are dealing with a difficult client or customer at work, you put on a business “hat” or “persona”. You speak politely, softly, and empathetically, working towards a common goal. This is exactly how parents that don’t get along need to act when co-parenting. Set aside your differences and get the job done.

Scheduling Tips for Co-Parenting – Most often, one parent is more organized and better at scheduling and planning than the other. Use each other strengths to work together! Don’t see this as a difference between you, show your child how human beings work together with strengths to overcome weaknesses and get better. Teach your child a positive lesson, instead of being critical of another’s strengths and weaknesses.

Make Sure Your Child Has a Healthy Personal Space – This is all too important; especially when a child is moved between 2 homes. A child needs to have his/her special personal space. A place where they feel comfortable with themselves, away from each parent. It might be as simple as their room or a place in the yard, or maybe at Grandma’s house, or at the library. Children need a safe place that they can “recognize” as their own. The importance of this can be lost in the shuffle between houses, sometimes. Remember to allow your child to be able to personalize their space, or have a space that they can call their own and allow their creativities to run free. Children who don’t have a personal space of their own often seek this out in negative actions (drugs and alcohol), or at a friend’s house or personal space.

Easily, the most important tip for parents who are separated, divorced, and/or co-parenting is to keep respect for each other as parents.

Keep Respect for Each Other As Co Parents

Couples don’t get along all the time. This is 100% normal. Human beings don’t get along all the time. Human beings can even fight or hurt the ones we love… we are a complex mess. Respect for each other is what holds the whole mess together. Mutual respect is what keeps some married couples together for over 50 years, and is what builds strong families.

Divorced and Separated couples can pass the value of respect to their children, which is one of the most priceless gifts a parent can give.

With respect, you can start co parenting and being friends again.

Why You Should Respect Your Co Parent

You should respect the mother of your child, because she is the mother of your child. This great miracle alone commands the respect of the father. Likewise, you should respect the father of your child, because he is the father of your child. Without the father, there is no child and no miracle. You two have come-together from across the universe to create this miracle and let it grow and learn.

The great miracles of motherhood and fatherhood go beyond our understanding, and sometimes we need to step back and look at the miracle when we get too caught up in the “small stuff.”

The Arizona Relationship Institute offers Co-Parenting Classes and Therapy in Mesa, Arizona.

January 2, 2023January 4, 2023

How Faith-Based Couples Therapy Can Help Your Relationship

The benefits of faith-based couples therapy are miraculous, and it is no wonder that the institution of marriage has its roots in a number of different religions. Whether Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Atheist, or Agnostic, every soul on earth can benefit from couples therapy that draws from faith and spirituality.

All couples are invited to bring their own beliefs and spiritual ideas to to a faith-based couples therapy session; the point is not to press religious teachings or values on a person, but rather to educate couples on what different faiths say about relationships and relationship problems.

Faith-Based Couples Counseling Offers Thousands Of Years of Experience

Religious scriptures (like the Bible, The Talmud, or Quran) are the main source of what we know about the lives of people who lived hundreds or thousands of years ago. These books tell parables and stories about problems that people faced throughout history, including marital issues, infertility issues, jealousy issues, cheating spouses, and betrayal.

Nothing New Under The Sun

“Nothing New Under the Sun” is a phrase that simply means anything a person can think or do as already been done by another human being before them. Even though it feels like we are the first and only ones to experience our problems in love and loss, every aspect of every possible relationship has already happened to someone before.

So, when it comes to your own situation, it helps to recognize there is nothing new under the sun, and another relationship has experienced the exact same issues as yours. This is a good thing — this means that a solution and process to get you to that solution has already been invented. These processes are called faith-based couples counseling techniques.

Faith-Based Couples Counseling for Grief and Loss

We often turn to faith and spirituality in times of grief and loss, because grief transcends our daily understanding of the world. Grief reminds us of the fragility of life, and how quickly it can be lost.

When a person has lost someone close to them — through death, mental illness, or through separation — it hurts. The pain is mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual. This pain and trauma must be treated mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Those who heal physically and mentally, but fail to heal spiritually, may leave an open wound that causes pain or negative issues later in life.

Helping to bring spiritual closure to people in times of extreme grief is the main job of a Faith Based Couples Counselor.

Faith-Based Couples Counseling for Life Changing Events

There are a lot of life changing events that come throughout the phases of life. Remember, there is nothing new under the sun, and someone else has been through the exact situation before. Therefore, we can learn valuable lessons from those who came before us.

- Birth of a First Child
- Growing Family
- Relationship Issues With In-Laws
- Relationship and Money Issues
- A Family’s Big Move
- Changing a Job or Career Path
- Kids Moving Away
- Divorce or Separation
- Transitioning to Retirement
- Death or Loss

For all of the above situations, there are also stories of spiritual guidance from our ancestors. Many written years ago, some written more recently, but all timeless in their validity to relationships.

Faith-Based Couples Counseling for Interfaith Couples

We all have different beliefs and creeds, which is a beautiful freedom that allows us to live our lives in a way that makes sense to us, and brings us fulfilment.

Even those of us in the closest of relationships will have different ideas and beliefs when it comes to spirituality and philosophy; but, it is important to not let these differences drive a wedge between us. That wedge will grow and separate close couples before they even realize what is happening.

When couples have a hard time dealing with life changing events, the spiritual differences may be too much to bear, and could prove to be the proverbial ‘straw that breaks the camel’s back.’ These couples desperately need the help of Interfaith Couples Counseling.

Interfaith Couples Counseling is provided by a therapist that helps both individuals in the relationship to sort through religious differences and differences of faith and practice (as they relate to the couple’s relationship and surrounding issues).

How The Arizona Relationship Institute Helps Couples with Faith-Based Therapy

At AZRI, we specialize in relationship therapy and the complex issues surrounding couples and their lives together. Faith, spirituality, religious upbringing, social customs, and practices play a much larger part in our lives than we realize — especially in relationships and marriages.

Our therapists are all from diverse backgrounds and spiritual beliefs, and have a wealth of education and experience that allows us to help couples with a wide range of issues and concerns. As the saying goes. “There’s nothing new under the sun…” Let us help you to understand how that saying can help you and your significant other.

December 15, 2022August 13, 2023

How To Deal with Jealousy in a Relationship

Jealousy can be one of the biggest issues and tests in an intimate relationship. One person’s jealousy can put strain on a relationship, just as the other person’s reaction to the jealousy can cause further issues. These issues of jealousy often cause one or both partners to question the foundation of their relationship and seek counseling for jealousy issues.

What is Jealousy?

There are 3 common “definitions” or meanings for the word “Jealousy.”

1. “hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage” (ENVY)
2. “intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness” / “disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness” (RELATIONSHIPS)
3. “vigilant in guarding a possession” (SAFE IN ASSUMPTION / GUARD)

SOURCE: Merriam-Webster Definitions for The Word Jealous

What Does the Bible Say About Jealousy?

The bible speaks more on “Envy” than “Jealousy”, that is to say the first definition for the word jealousy. The bible calls “Envy” a mortal sin because it causes hostility and rivalry. Envy is considered a reaction a person has to another person’s possessions, family, or perceived advantages.

See Another: Resource on “Jealousy in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints”

Why is The Bible Important When Talking About Jealousy?

We mention the biblical definitions of jealousy and the 3 different definitions for a very good reason… there are 3 different types of jealousy and the circumstances around them differ greatly. When speaking about jealousy in a relationship, one must speak about the traditional views on monogamy, which are also rooted in biblical tradition.

Is There A Good Kind of Jealousy?

Merriam-Webster’s 3rd Definition for “Jealousy” is about as close to a “Good” kind of jealousy as you can get. This version of the word was much more common in past centuries, but can still be understood today by the quote by Scott Buchanan – “…new colonies were jealous of their new independence.”

The above quote give a “justification” for jealousy, and is more likened to the word “Prideful” — though, in the use of the word like this, a strong defense (of the possession / object of desire and jealousy) is implied.

Misunderstanding of the Definition of Jealousy Itself Causes Relationship Issues

Which of the 3 definitions do you think of when you hear the word “Jealousy?” This varies drastically between different people, and the most confusion lies between 1 person who believes their jealousy is “Good Jealousy” (Definition #3, prideful and ready to defend your possessions, family, object of jealousy), and another person who believes the jealousy to be more of definition 1 or 2 (not valiant, but envious or overly suspicious).

With this simple misunderstanding or miscommunication on how one defines their own (Jealous) actions, 2 people can quickly feel like they don’t understand each other.

Just Because One Person Believes Their (Jealous) Actions Are Valiant or Warranted, Does Not Mean They Truly Are

1 single person can also misunderstand their own jealousy, believing they are being noble, valiant, sticking up for the relationship and their partner, and still be acting out feelings of hostility and (bad) jealousy. Humans are complex emotional machines, with lots of quirks like this.

Insecurity and Jealousy

Jealousy that stems from your own insecurity or lack of self confidence is an example of the most negative forms of jealousy. The problem does not lie in your partner or perceived threats from others, but the problem lives inside you. Until you face the problem and fix it inside yourself, this type of jealousy is like a poison that will rot away at your own sanity and happiness until it ruins the relationship as well.

How to Overcome Insecurity and Jealousy

Insecurity can be overcome, and you can be confident and happy. At this point, jealousy issues seem to dissolve away, because they no longer matter. The only problem is that it is a problem that lives inside you and only you can take the steps to fix it. Many cannot get themselves going toward building their own confidents, and end up stuck in a rut. Working with a therapist can help you to build confidence and sort through the issues that accompany lack of confidence and insecurity.

Don’t Let an Impasse With Jealousy Ruin The Relationship

“Irreconcilable Differences” is the leading cause of divorce and relationships ending. It means that the two parties were simply not able to get over their differences or miscommunications, to the point where the relationship needs to be ended.

All too often, couples are eager to give-up and call something “Irreconcilable,” without seeking to understand more about why the problem exists or persists. Some problems NEED a counselor or relationship therapist to intervene and help to rectify. Jealousy issues are the perfect example of marital and relationship problems that require counseling.

Jealousy Treatment from Relationship Therapists

A relationship in the midst of jealousy problems is an urgent case for relationship therapists. Jealousy issues push couples quickly toward frustration and extreme pressures that put the relationship to the test.

It is important that couples — that truly want to save their relationship — seek help from a counselor or therapist for jealousy issues before it is too late.

Jealousy Issues and Relationship Counseling and The Arizona Relationship Institute (AZRI)

At AZRI, we employ therapists with a wide range of personal, educational, and professional backgrounds. Our caring therapists and staff are as diverse as those individuals, couples, and families who come to us and trust us for their counseling and therapy needs.

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