Author: The Arizona Relationship Institute

When speaking with a relationship counselor, the therapist may mention “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” They are referring to the  4 toxic communication habits that hurt relationships — not to the biblical harbingers of doom. This article is designed to educate you about the 4 horsemen, so you understand what your counselor or therapist is talking about…

Dr. John Gottman

Dr. John Gottman studied couples and how they approach issues in their relationship in a groundbreaking study in 1984. Based on what he observed, he categorized couples into those who were able to “Master” their problems, and those whose relationships turned into “Disasters.”

Masters and Disasters of Relationships

Dr Gottman studied the communication styles of couples and was able identify 4 behaviors in the “Disasters” group that all shared:

• • • Criticism
    • Defensiveness
    • Contempt
    • Stonewalling

By simply looking for these 4 communication styles, Dr Gottman was able to accurately predict (within 90%) which couples would not be able to work-out their problems, and would end their relationship in a divorce or separation.

Further, Gottman found that helping couples to intervene in these 4 negative behaviors would increase the likelihood that the problems would be worked-out and the couple would stay together. He found that these four horsemen indicated the 4 points of communication that make-or-break the relationship. Couples that master these points can overcome even the bleakest of situations. — while those that let these points overcome them, end in disaster.

Criticism Between Couples

It is important to understand the difference between a “complaint,” and a “criticism.” A complaint – is something (like an annoying behavior or action) that partner points-out to another, with the hopes of fixing it together. A criticism is usually not specific to one action or behavior that is used more as an attack than pointing-out to help fix it.

The best example that everyone can understand, is a local store that you have shopped at for a while. As time goes by and your relationship with this store changes, you might have complaints or criticisms.

EXAMPLE #1: A Company

Example of a Complaint:

Your store used to offer loyalty rewards points, where I would get my 10th cup of coffee for free. You don’t do that anymore, and I really miss it. Will you be bringing it back?

Example of a Criticism:

This store has gone downhill! Don’t you even care about your customers anymore? I much prefer the way it used to be. I hope the management gets it together soon, or I will not be shopping here anymore!

EXAMPLE #2: A Person

Example of a Complaint:

You used to come home and kiss me first thing when you got home. Now you come home and the first thing you do is unload your problems from the day on me.  That snowballs into the rest of the night being about our problems and not about us. Maybe we should try to change our first priority in the evenings, and that will help the rest of our issues.

Example of a Criticism:

You’ve changed! Your not the same person you used to be any I don’t like who you are turning into. All you care-about and focus-on is our problems. I can’t keep going on this way and I don’t want to live like this with you.

With the above examples, it is clear to see how your attitude toward the situation can how you communicate can completely change the likely outcome. There are problems in every relationship, and couples need to address those problems; but, if you choose to communicate your issues as a criticism instead of a complaint, you will likely make the problem worse.

Defensiveness Between Couples

Everyone has the right to defend themselves, but much like “Complaint VS Criticism,” there is a right way and wrong way to go about it. Interestingly enough, the First Horsemen (Criticism) also usually leads to the Second Horsemen (Defensiveness). This creates a cycle that the couple cannot seem to get out of — a criticism leads to a defense and/or a criticism back at the other.

The best way to avoid defensiveness is to avoid criticism. However, once the fight has been started, it takes 2 cool heads to prevail, and both need to back down from their positions atop the first two horsemen. Otherwise, it will continue on its cycle between the two until one or both unleash the Third Horseman: Contempt.

Contempt Between Couples

This is a scary place for people to reach — and often the point where couples reach out to a Couples Therapist. The definition of “Contempt” says it all…

“Contempt: the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.”

Contempt is actually a natural reaction when we feel we have been attacked. It not a good feeling or a positive reaction, but it is a natural defense mechanism, nonetheless.

Contempt for our partners and the ones we care-for is not good, however. And the situation needs to be dismantled just like a ticking time bomb — before it dismantles the relationship.

When couples have contempt for one another, the criticisms and attacks continue. You will often hear couples say things like, “He/she doesn’t care about me anyway so I am doing what I need to do  focusing on myself, and doing what makes me happy.”  – This statement is stuffed full of criticism, defensiveness, attack AND places the partner as worthless and beneath their happiness.

The best way to avoid contempt in a relationship is to once-again avoid the first horseman: Criticism. Work on the problems at their roots — don’t wait until the blossom into a thorny bush, deeply anchored.

Stonewalling Between Couples

At this point the arguments and relationship is almost not salvageable. Stonewalling is when a person “shuts down” and refuses to acknowledge the situation or respond. They sit there, like a stone wall, and let words just bounce right off of them. Again, this is another natural defense mechanism — that the body triggers to avoid further stress on the body and mind.

Stonewalling happens in the short-term and the long-term. During an argument or an intense conversation, a person might shut down temporarily to avoid furthering the argument. However, stonewalling can happen in the long-term as well. This is when huge problems are living just below surface of the relationship, but one or both partners refuse to acknowledge them or bring them up again. The problems have not been addressed or solved, but hidden away while to couple keeps living day-to-day.

Why Do Some People Refuse to Believe Their Partner is Cheating on them?

An example of long-term stonewalling is when 1 partner is cheating, or having multiple affairs, and the other partner refuses to believe it or refuses to address the problem — hoping that the relationship can be saved and go on by pretending the problems don’t exist. This refusal to believe their partner is cheating is simply them stonewalling themselves.

Avoiding the Four Horsemen of Relationship Problems

As we have said multiple times in this article — the best way to avoid any and all of the 4 horsemen is to avoid the first horsemen: Criticism. Criticism in a relationship is like poison. This is easier-said-than-done, however. And this is why we strongly recommend couples therapy when couples get into problems that they cannot work out themselves. Most often, it is the four horsemen that are making their issues “unresolvable.” Therapists are trained to look for these negative behaviors and communication styles, and can help both partners to learn what they are and learn how to avoid them.